AN: You know the deal. I don't own them, and if I did, Claire would not be dead. Please read and review.

For Regrets I Do Not Know

-Elisabeth Carmichael-

"There's a sidecar," he observed, "You know you can't go as fast with a sidecar."

Claire looked at him, mouth open slightly, "Yes Jack, but now it can fit three people if need be."

"Your mom fits in that thing?" he asked with a smile.

"Not exactly my mom, Jack," she stared at him for a moment, wanting to freeze time, her mouth open again, "I need to tell you something."

Jack shook his head and pulled her into another kiss. It lasted for a minute, a very sweet and wonderful minute.

"What?" he finally asked.

Claire tucked her hair behind her ears, straightened her leather jacket, and tried to compose herself to tell him.

She couldn't, "Just kiss me," and they were kissing again.

I want to tell him. But if I could only freeze time, or rewind it. I…he…I should have told him so long ago. Now he'll be mad. We'll lose it, whatever we have. I know he'll find out, but I don't want to tell him right now. I just want to be lost in his kiss.

Claire let out a slight moan as she tousled his hair with her hands, more intensely with each passing second. He pulled her in closer, hands on her delicate head, trying to make up for eight years.

"Get…a…room," Kadey said disgustedly, imitating people on television, as she walked up.

Claire quickly ended the kiss and tried to compose herself, tidied her hair and flattened her clothing. Tiny red flames flickered in her cheeks as Kadey stared at her, waiting for an explanation.

Jack looked at Claire stunned. He had no idea who this little girl was, even though she looked a lot like Claire, and he had no idea why Claire stopped for her.

"Sorry," Claire apologized to Kadey, "let me see your hat."

Kadey looked incredulously at the man hovering over her mom before modeling the baseball cap for Claire.

"It looks fantastic on you!" Claire tried at enthusiastic to hide her embarrassment, "Do you have the change?"

Kadey handed her some bills and change, still staring at that man.

"Why were you kissing him?" she asked in her innocent, seven year old voice.

"Claire," Jack said sternly, "why do you have that sidecar?"

"I'm sorry. Kadey, this is Jack. He's a friend of mine. Jack, this is Kadey."

Neither Jack nor Kadey seemed satisfied with this introduction.

"Is Kadey your niece, your cousin, your friend's daughter, your daughter?" Jack asked exasperated.

"Tattoo Jack?" Kadey demanded.

"She's none of those Jack. Kadey is, um, remember how I wasn't feeling good, and you said I could take the day off? You said it must be the flu," he nodded for her to continue, "It was the beginnings of morning sickness. Jack, she's our daughter," Claire looked at Kadey, "Yes, this is Jack, your daddy from the tattoo."

Jack frowned at Claire, "What? How come no one told me? I don't understand."

"My mother and Mac thought it was best that I not tell you. But Jack, this is Kadey Savannah Brielle Kincaid. She was born on February 14, 1997, and I came out of my coma on February 14, 1997. Kadey, this is who I was visiting at where I used to work when you and Serena went to the park."

Jack was still stunned. He wasn't quite sure how to react.

"Kincaid, her last name is Kincaid?" he said slowly to Claire.

"Yes, well, not on her birth certificates, but no one aside from my mother, Mac, and I know that. I suppose Kadey's name really is Kadey Savannah Brielle McCoy, but she never knew you were alive."

"Kind of like how I didn't know you were alive? Claire, I don't know how I'm supposed to react to this. Let's get going. We can talk on the way."

Jack looked partially hurt, slightly upset, but most of all, extremely confused.

How am I supposed to react to this? I've missed out on seven years of my daughter's life. How do I begin to know her? And what about Claire, I hope I haven't hurt her by how I've reacted. But how did she expect me to react? I love her.

Jack reached for Claire's hand. Once in his grasp, she looked at him with a look of sincere apology and love. Kadey held on to Claire's other hand, staring at Jack.

"Mommy, remember how you say your ten wishes to me every night before bed when you think I'm sleeping?" Kadey asked innocently.

Claire looked down at Kadey surprised and nodded.

"And they are always the same, every one is always, 'I love Jack, please, he's the love of my life. Let me find him, for me, for Kadey.' Well, what does this mean that you found him?"

Claire blushed severely, not realizing that Kadey heard her, and definitely not wanting Jack to hear.

"It means that maybe we can move out of Nana J and Grandpa Mac's house, and we can live in the city. And you'll be able to maybe see your daddy sometimes," Claire was completely unsure of everything she was saying.

Jack spun his head to look at Claire; he stopped walking, causing Claire and Kadey to do the same.

"I love you Claire. You're not going to get away again," he focused his gaze on Kadey, "And Kadey, my daughter, I'm sorry that I haven't been in your life. I wish I could have been. And now that you're here, I want to make up for the last seven years of your life."

"Can I call you Daddy?"

Jack looked at Claire for the answer.

"You can call him Daddy if you want to," Claire lovingly replied.

"Daddy," Kadey proudly said, "I love you."

Jack's eyes twinkled. He didn't realize how good it would feel to hear those words. She loved him, Jack McCoy, without hesitation. Jack had a clean slate to make an impression on her.

He took his thick hands and picked Kadey up, placed her on his hip, and planted a kiss on her forehead.

She giggled.

"I love you Kadey Savannah Brielle McCoy."

Claire smiled as she reached for Jack's free hand. They continued walking to the stadium, Kadey in Jack's arms, Claire holding his hand, smiles all the way.

It was an enjoyable game; the Mets won. Claire and Jack were able to discuss everything they needed to. And Kadey enjoyed immensely the time spent with her daddy. A stranger took a picture of the three of them, all in their leather jackets, smiling.

"I'll call you tomorrow," Claire said as she looked over to Jack, who was again holding Kadey.

"Why not stay at my place?" his eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Kadey, I don't want her to…"

"So I'll sleep on the couch and she can sleep in Emily's room," Jack said, referring to the guest room that his daughter sometimes slept in.

"Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt."

Back at Jack's brownstone, Claire was in her flannel pajamas, calling her mother.

"Kadey and I caught a Mets game. She liked Central Park, and we went to the cutest little ice cream parlor for dessert."

"I think we'll be back tomorrow maybe by six depending on traffic."

"No, I'm not doing anything stupid."

"Some Marriott," Claire sounded exasperated.

"Umm, Kadey," Claire glanced into the living room where Jack was reading her a story, "she's wiped out. As soon as we got in the room she was out."

"Okay, I love you too, bye."

Jack made some great voices for the story he was reading to Kadey. It was about a group of kids who got into all sorts of mischief, and Jack added his own twists to it. Claire smiled. Kadey was resting in Jack's lap, happy and relaxed, as if they had known and loved each other their whole lives; Jack's arms wrapped around her, eyes twinkling, facial lines smiling. She snapped a picture with a disposable camera before sitting down next to Jack with her arm around him, resting on his shoulder.

She awoke in a strange bed, with foreign sheets, and a stiff pillow. No soft light filtered in through the draperies. Gradually it came back to her. She turned to the other half of the bed to find it empty, tidy. He had really slept on the couch. The smell of eggs and bacon drifted past Claire's nose. Greedily she hurried out of bed, wanting some of those delicious fumes. Before reaching the kitchen, she carefully undid the top four buttons on her flannel pajama top and tousled her hair.

"Morning," Jack smiled as Claire yawned into the kitchen, "how'd you sleep?"

"Alright," she was still yawning, "what's for breakfast?"

"Bacon and eggs, Kadey said it's her favorite," Jack looked pleased with himself.

"Where is she?"

"In the living room, watching cartoons. She was up at seven," Jack smiled as he took the sizzling bacon off of the popping griddle.

"Sorry, I didn't think she'd be up so soon or I would've been up sooner to take care of her. She hasn't bothered you, right?" Claire looked at him in a look entirely foreign to Jack.

"What?" he didn't know quite how to react, "I want to be in her life, Claire. I'm her father, and I love her. Please, let me help."

He quickly slid the scrambled eggs onto three plates and turned off the burner.

"Smells good," Claire gazed at Jack.

He hadn't had a free chance to really look at her when she had walked in. Jack noticed the unbuttoned buttons on the shirt, how it limply hung off of her slender shoulders, gently draping her body in softness. Her hair caught his attention. It was messy, not like the Claire of old, and stringy. He figured that it was probably a lot harder to keep tame. Anyways, the style suited her. His muscular arms, a deep sun tanned and worn leather, wrapped around her, pulling her body to his; Claire nuzzled her head in his strong shoulder. They shared a brief, but sweet, kiss.

"Kadey, breakfast," Claire called in her alto voice.

They all three sat at the tiny table in Jack's kitchen. The wooden tabletop had been bored into by pens, cups, knives, fists, years and years of abuse. Jack never bothered to throw it out.

"Daddy, you make good eggs," Kadey smiled.

"I eat them a lot."

"What are we going to do today?" Kadey asked with a piece of bacon crisping away in her mouth.

Claire and Jack looked at each other with uncertainty.

"We have to go back home today around four," Claire said slowly.

Jack shot Claire his "we need to talk," look.

"I told your grandma that we went to Central Park. Do you want to do that?"

Kadey looked at her mother, "Okay, can Daddy come?"

Jack smiled as he ran his hand through Kadey's hair.

Kadey was squatting down next to the pond, feeding the ducks and fish. Jack and Claire sat on a bench talking.

"When are you moving back?" Jack asked Claire.

"What?" she looked stunned, "I'm not."

"Come on Claire, how else is this going to work out? I can't kiss you every night if you live two hours away."

"Jack, I…I…" she paused, not able to think of a good reason why she couldn't move back.

"You love me. I love you. Claire, I've spent the last eight years grieving. Every day, waking up, I'd ask why I'm still here. It has been constant pain. You don't get over death. I had a hard time working with it. Every day I regret not loving you enough. With all of the arguments during those last weeks, I couldn't ask you. I wanted to, after what Ruthie said," Jack paused, his face looked older, "and then you were gone. You can't marry a dead person."

"Jack, you weren't going to…"

"I bought the ring. I was prepared to ask you."

"Where is it?"

"I have the setting on my nightstand. But the diamond, I had it taken out of the setting. The jeweler has it now."

"Oh," she let out a disappointed sigh, "it's getting late. Kadey and I better get going."

Jack put a hand on her arm, "Don't."

Her eyes flickered for a moment, back to the old Claire, and then the new Claire.

Claire's mother stood at the large living room window, waiting with arms crossed and lips pursed for Claire and Kadey to arrive home. One large yellow tunnel of light accompanied by a soft purring came up the drive and ceased to exist at the blink of an eye. Jeanine walked over to the door and opened it.

"Have a good trip?" she asked in a spine chilling voice.

"We're both tired. I'll tell you about it in the morning," Claire tried to sidle by her mother.

"No, put Kadey to bed and you can join me for a cup of coffee," Jeanine definitively said.

"It was a spur of the moment decision. Honestly, if I had known we would be going to New York, I would have chosen a day when the Yankees were in town."

"What if something happened to you or Kadey?"

"Then life would go on. Mother, you can't expect me to continue this porcelain doll of a life."

"No, get married, have more children, find a house, those are all good things for you to do. But Claire, I love you honey, you just can't go back there. You can't expect anything to be the same."

"Fine!" Claire stormed out on her mother.

After a long week of disagreements with her mother, Claire left early on Saturday morning for the city, leaving Kadey with her grandparents.

Dear Kadey, (and Mom and Mac)

I've gone back to the city for the weekend. Please, don't worry about me. I'll call as soon as I get there. I have some important business to attend to. Kadey, sweetie, be good for Nana J and Grandpa Mac. Mom, please, I know, but I'll be alright. Hopefully you'll here from me in a few minutes.

Love,

Mommy (Claire)

The weather still wasn't very agreeable. Claire was stuck in jeans and a Harvard sweatshirt. Her black leather, pointed toe boot tapped the worn cement as she sipped from her Vente size drink from Starbucks. She fingered the strand of pearls that she had removed from her armoire and placed in her pocket. Her head, which donned wavy tied back locks, spun abruptly as the thick green door opened. A young woman walked out, dressed in a casual pair of jeans and a modest sweater, swinging her purse in the air. The woman looked briefly at Claire before briskly walking off in the direction of the Starbucks. The door opened yet again, but this time Claire didn't bother looking. Five people had opened that door since she sat down on the stoop an hour ago. The weary man fumbled with locking the door back up; his keys dropped to the ground and landed at Claire's feet. She lazily picked them up and haphazardly held them up to the man, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Your back," the man grunted.

Claire spun around, not expecting to see him. She stood up and flung her arms around him.

"Jack, oh, I've been waiting for ages."

"Why didn't you come up?" his eyes twinkled.

"I figured you might be asleep."

"Not when there's work to do. I'm on my way to the office, but it can wait."

"I've about finished this," she held up her cardboard coffee mug, "so how about grabbing some coffee."

Jack agreed.

The heavy scented fumes of the coffee shop lingered on their thick clothing. Incense and perfume, the coffee shop scent, it seemed as though they designed the style of the shop around that aroma. It must have been a marketing tool; the scent sticks, so do the cravings. Even the brisk wind coming off of the trees in Central Park couldn't extract that scent.

Their hands interlaced, swinging rhythmically with their gate. Jack smiled as he and Claire frequently bumped into each other. Not as many people stared at them, now that Claire was older. A few stragglers came along, but times had grown to accept this sort of thing.

"I love you," Claire kissed Jack's cheek.

"I know," he smiled hugely as he said this.

They sat down on a bench that hugged the shore of a tiny pond. The surface was a sapphire blue gem, clear and smooth, and the grasses around it were of a photo-worthy green. Her arm rested behind his shoulders, on the seat back. Jack's hand was on her knee.

"You still haven't said why you came back this weekend," he prompted.

"The same reasons as last time, and last time itself. I didn't really want to go back, but Kadey has school."

Jack smiled, "What grade is she?"

"She's in second grade already. I can't believe it."

"Yeah," he mumbled.

Claire gazed at Jack with admiration. Nothing about him had changed, and everything was different. For short spurts of time, she could so clearly see the Jack from eight years ago, and then he was back to his contemporary self.

"After she finishes school, we're going to move out of my mother's house," she paused, "I want to move back to the city."

"Are you saying that you want to move into my apartment?" he asked with a hint of yearning.

"Maybe, after a bit, but for Kadey, I know my actions haven't always been very, well, motherly. She doesn't understand it all, the whole mommy and daddy arrangement."

"Would anything change your mind?"

"I want to Jack, and if I didn't have Kadey I would have moved in with you sooner, but I do. I need to think about her," Claire gave Jack a look of pure longing.

The coffee shop aroma wafted by Jack's nose. He wrinkled it. The wind had picked up, blowing soft ripples across the pond. Soft, soft like velvet, smooth like silk, pure like diamonds, simple like beauty, like Claire, like love, he fingered it gingerly as he gently removed it from his pocket. Claire, in a trance, did not notice him.

Jagged stones carved into his knee, staining his jeans, causing what should have been a great deal of pain. A little water brushed up against his shoe, damp, wet. The wind blew stray strands of her hair across the gentle planes of her face. His salt and peppered hair waved madly. The sky danced in a deep dress-shirt blue, pure and true, sad and lovely. Rays of sun reflected off the lake in patterns, wonderful, like a precious cut diamond. It was chilly, smelled strongly of coffee, and there was no romantic picnic. That picnic dinner under a star-y moonlit sky was all well and dandy, but it wasn't right. It wasn't out of necessity, more out of tradition.

"Marry me Claire," he smiled, oblivious to the pain that he should have felt.

Stunned, Claire smiled as tears formed in her eyes, "Of course Jack McCoy. I love you."

He slid the ring onto her finger. A single precious diamond sat in the natural white gold setting. They kissed. She cried tears of joy.

Jeanine appeared more relaxed when Claire arrived back that Sunday. Kadey was glad to have her mommy back, and Claire seemed to be much more like her old idealistic self. Her mother passed it off as the "city bug," and allowed it to go all throughout dinner. But the light reflected too brightly in their dining room as Claire was clearing the table, and her mother came tumbling down.

"Let me explain," Claire began but was cut off.

"Engaged? How could you? I though you weren't dating anyone."

Claire wanted so badly to snap back, but she didn't.

"I thought I wasn't, but I couldn't. I've known him for ten years, and I love him. Mom, I have tried so hard to get over him, but love, love is not that easy to conquer. I love Jack, and I know you tried to make me forget, but my heart still remembers."

Jack walked in from the hall and wrapped his arms around Claire from behind. They shared a quick kiss, lighting up both of their faces. He had been hiding in Claire's study. Kadey ran in from the family room at the sight of him.

"Daddy!" she cried as she gave him a huge hug.

Jack smiled, aware that he was lucky to have been so well received by Kadey.

"Kadey," he picked her up, "how's my little girl been?"

Those words sounded so bitter-sweet.

"I missed you. But we made flags in school on Friday and then we don't have any tomorrow. Are you staying?"

Claire and Jack looked at each other.

"I can stay for a few days Kadey…"

"Guess what?" Claire interjected, "Kadey, sweetheart, Mommy and Daddy are getting married. That means we can live together everyday."

"Really?" her eyes widened, looking more like Jack each passing second.

"Yes," Jack kissed her forehead, "it's true."

Jeanine had remained silent, not wanting to upset Kadey, but she couldn't keep her tongue any longer.

"When's the wedding?"

"We think around Christmas. He wants to have a simple wedding, but I have other ideas…"

After Kadey was sound asleep, Jack, Claire, Jeanine, and Mac continued discussing wedding plans.

"Anyways, I spent much of the time in my coma dreaming about my wedding to Jack. Months formed it into a wonderful, perfect wedding for both our personalities. I'd like to be married in the winter, snowing maybe, near Lac de la Cours. It's all planned out in my mind."

Claire and Jack purchased a brownstone in the city. They decided that until they were married, Claire and Kadey would live there while Jack kept his apartment. Jeanine finally came to peace with Claire's upcoming marriage to Jack, concluding that she was to blame for her own shock. Besides, she didn't want to miss out on helping Claire plan her wedding. Jack was pretty useless for planning because his caseload was growing with the chilling months. He had yet to notify anyone at work about his engagement, and therefore Claire couldn't even consult him during the day.

As December neared, Jack became increasingly overworked. His assistant Serena was becoming disenchanted with the system, and he was not looking forward to cultivating a new assistant. Nonetheless, he still found time to spend with his fiancée and daughter.

Tiny crystals of Heaven fluttered softly around the air. The ground was a faded shade of jade, growing whiter and more glistening. Bare arms swayed rhythmically in the background. The cool brook crackled as it passed frozen water, pouring into the tiny glimmering lake with a musical quality.

Organic silk draped delicately over her petite frame as a crown of white flowers topped her flake speckled hair. A soft organza flowed freely from beneath the crown of flowers, dragging behind her. Tiny white glimpses of the past lay simply against her bare skin, shining brightly. The white and red petals that Kadey had scattered padded the frozen ground as she proceeded barefoot to the alter.

Heart felt words were exchanged, as their hands connected. Her mouth formed the word "regret" with a slow mourning. Jack repeated the word with soft admiration.

Claire's nephew presented the rings on a scarlet satin pillow. Two rings, white gold, simple bands with a tiny braided design on either rim, were picked up by the priest. Claire slid Jack's on his finger first as a tear crystallized under her eye. He repeated the act of love. Their hands connected, eyes locked, tears of joy streaming. He reached to touch the strand of pearls around her neck, her idealism, her old self.

Together they faced the guests, hand in hand, tearing with joy, brimming with love. In unison, Jack and Claire repeated what was engraved on the inside of each of their rings, "For regrets I do not know, only wishes for the past, and joy for the future."

Epilogue

Claire and Jack slowly became much more of their old selves. Her idealism was re-ignited, and Jack looked younger each day. Kadey finally got her wish to have a brother or sister when a year after the wedding Claire gave birth to a second daughter, Martha Jillian McCoy (Mattie).

Jack continued to have a fiery passion for the law and his job despite having to transition into a new assistant after Serena quit while he was on his honeymoon. Soon after Mattie's birth, Claire returned to work as a civil rights advocate, occasionally doing pro bono criminal defense.

Two years later, Claire and Jack were enjoying their family immensely. Both were happy with their jobs, children, and partner. So it came as a surprise when Claire became pregnant again. Neither one minded; both Kadey and Mattie were thrilled.

A short eight months later, John Adam McCoy (Jack) was welcomed into the family, causing Jack extreme joy in having a son.

Around the same time, Emily, Jack's daughter from his first wife, showed up after a five year absence from Jack's life. She had moved to the west coast after getting married to her long time boyfriend, and had lost contact with Jack and his new family. Now, she was almost due with her first child, and wanted to make amends with her father and half siblings.

Jack became a grandfather soon after to Sienna Elizabeth McCoy Greenberger.

Jeanine and Mac, they visited often. Both were proud of their grandchildren.

At the end of the day, Claire could look at her eleven year old daughter, Kadey, her three year old, Mattie, her newborn son Jack, and her wonderful husband, and smile. She pulled the covers over her head; sunlight was shining through, and removed her wedding ring. Reading the inscription, she smiled. The thick scent of bacon and eggs drifted past her nose, as she heard Jack with the kids in the kitchen. Saturday morning tradition, no, but today was a special day, May 22nd. A tear fell down her cheek.

"No regrets."