Chapter 7: The road to hell is paved with good intentions

In the silence that followed Severus' words, you could have heard a pin drop. Then, all hell broke loose. Emily, Greg, healer Simmons, all were talking to Severus at once, which lead to Severus understanding none of them. "Silence!" he snapped in his best teacher voice and all of them obeyed instantly.

Taking a calming breath, Severus then addressed the healer, "Healer Simmons, I asked you for your assistance in a personal matter, not for your advice regarding my life. I trust that you are bound to your oath not to talk to anyone about my medical records or any findings. So, you will help JOHN DOE to bind his magic again until he is good and ready to join the wizarding world. You will not reveal the identity of John Doe to anyone else outside this room. Have I made myself clear?" Severus' tone was icy, his voice dangerously low.

"Yes, of…of course, Professor Snape," Simmons stammered, intimidated by his patient's behaviour. He had not met Professor Snape before the war had ended, but he had, of course, heard stories about him and his role in the war. No wonder Simmons was scared by him.

Severus ignored Simmons now and turned around to look at his two freinds. His face softened and he allowed some of his anger to drain away. Severus knew they only meant well, they didn't deserve his wrath. He smiled at the couple slightly and said, "Emily, Greg, I know you mean well and I am very thankful for everything you have done for me. But due to reasons I cannot explain right now, it is important for me that no-one finds out that I am Severus Snape. I have to take care of some important issues first and if it were common knowledge that I am not dead, things would become complicated very quickly." He looked into the eyes of his friends and silently begged them to understand.

Emily smiled at him, taking his hand. "John…Severus, you don't have to explain anything at all to us. If that is your decision, if that is really what you want, then we will support you, of course." She looked over to her husband expectantly, who nodded silently in confirmation.

Severus felt a rush gratitude towards them. The Smiths had been so supportive, so understanding that it truly amazed him. Severus Snape, Ex-Death Eater turned spy wasn't accustomed to this sort of loyalty and trust, wasn't used to this amount of selflessness. Not even from Albus, the one person he had called friend for a long time. But, if he was completely honest with himself, the person he had been before Malfoy had tried to kill him, the old Snape, would most probably have made a sarcastic remark about such Gryffindorish foolishness. He'd never known anyone like Greg and Emily – besides Harry, of course. It still pained Severus that he had been forced to treat Harry so badly during his schooldays. Severus always had known that Harry was a good – if a bit reckless – person and sometimes he had wished he could have expressed it. Even later, after Harry had graduated, it was necessary to sustain the façade of cold indifference. To think something other than a careful truce would be possible before Voldemort was gone would have been suicide. It was a cruel twist of fate that he had gotten a glimpse of what could have been between them, that night before the final battle.

"Thank you. It's good to know I won't be alone after this is sorted out. I am sure my return to the wizarding world will go anything but smoothly," Severus said imagining the problems that would arise if he came 'back from the dead' after all this time.

Then he turned to the healer again and fixed him with a stern look. "Healer Simmons, I believe you have a few spells to cast on me."

oooooOooooo

Albus Dumbledore re-arranged the papers on his desk and sighed. He didn't like paperwork much and today it seemed to be even worse than usual. The syllabi were a mess, the new DADA teacher a catastrophe, and he still had not won Hermione Weasley over for teaching Potions.

"I'm getting too old for this, Fawkes," he murmured and the Phoenix trilled at him encouragingly. Albus reached for his tea-cup, when he caught a movement out of the corner of his eye. It was the magical clock he now didn't really need any more. During the war it had been a good way of keeping track of the order members, but since the war had ended it had no longer any real use. Albus hadn't had the heart to take it down though, it was a dear memento to him.

The hand with Harry's picture had been stuck somewhere between 'Infirmary' and 'Indifferent' since his disappearance, while Severus' one had been firmly stuck on the 'gone' position. To his great surprise, Albus realized that it was the hand with Severus' picture that was moving now. A jolt of excitement rushed through the headmaster as he watched how the hand moved around the clock. To his disappointment though, Severus' hand came once again to rest on the 'gone' position – the position it had been in for over two and a half years. Where had it been before it had began to move, Albus wondered. It was a pity that he obviously had missed the first movement of the hand. Albus was sure it was either the Burrow, St. Mungos or the Ministry of Magic it had been at. It shouldn't be to hard to find out where Severus had been and maybe even find out where he had gone.

The possibility that Severus could actually be alive and well made Albus' breath catch in his throat. Maybe his boy had survived after all – somehow, somewhere. They shouldn't have given up the search, they should have kept trying to find him. It was a sobering thought, like being doused in ice-water. They had failed Severus again – he had failed him. The tea-cup tumbled out of Albus' numb hands, spilling tea all over the papers on his desk. Fawkes trilled in a comforting manner, but was ignored.

Paperwork and tea forgotten, Albus shot out of his seat and headed to the fireplace – he had research to do.

oooooOooooo

'Nate's totally out of it,' Harry thought and smiled, as he looked down at his sleeping son. The birthday boy had fallen asleep halfway through the walk around the zoo. Nate had eaten loads of cake and ice-cream and two bright balloons were now attached to the stroller he was sitting in. A huge smile had been plastered over his face every waking minute of the day. Harry knew he had had a blast. Now the boy had fallen asleep, totally exhausted from the days events.

The morning had been spent with Hermione, she had brought chocolate frogs, a miniature broom and her own version of a Weasley jumper for Nate. After she had left and Harry put Nate in bed for a short nap, John had arrived and the three of them made their way to the zoo. Large portions of ice-cream turned Nate into an hyperactive little whirlwind and for a moment Harry had been worried that John might have difficulties keeping up with them. But John had surprised him by saying he'd finally had a breakthrough in his rehab, so even though he was still limping a bit, he was feeling much better. Harry felt a weird sense of foreboding when John said that, but couldn't explain why.

Now they were sitting on a bench in the shadow, Nate sleeping in his stroller, a comfortable silence surrounding them. Still, Harry had the feeling that something about John – or maybe the problem lay in himself – was off. He couldn't put a finger on it, it just seemed like John was holding back on something. Harry knew this feeling so well, because he felt a bit out of sync with his new life persona, Jim, at the moment. The morning with Hermione, the little 'saying goodbye ritual' he'd done so recently – they all had brought 'Harry' more to the surface than was strictly good for 'Jim'. And Harry was beginning to feel slightly schizophrenic.

It was Harry who interacted with Hermione, and he was also the one who had needed to say goodbye to Severus in order for Jim to be able to maybe fall in love with John. Jim, who had once had a wife he had loved and who was a Muggle, just like John.

Harry suppressed a sigh as he thought about how complicated his life had become again, but there was no other way; he could never be 'Harry' with John and, if he really wanted to maybe see if there could be more than friendship, then Jim better remembered that. He'd just have to learn to deal.

oooooOooooo

Severus Snape was not a happy man. He'd been a spy for most of his life and yet, pretending to be John Doe was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his whole life. He looked at Harry, this new Harry who called himself "Jim" and his heart ached.

Severus had always been a 'no nonsense' person, believing in what was past and gone should stay gone. He firmly believed that dwelling on missed opportunities and 'might have been' brought more trouble than it did good. And yet, when he looked at Harry, seeing the man he had become – a single father, pretending to be a Muggle – then Severus wondered how things would have turned out had Lucius Malfoy not almost killed him.

Would Harry and he have had a future? Would Harry still have fled the wizarding world? Would they have raised Nathaniel….ah, no, Nathaniel wouldn't exist in that reality because most likely Harry would never have met that woman. That thought gave Severus pause. He couldn't imagine Harry's life without Nate in it – the little boy was a wonderful child and a true blessing. It wasn't right to imagine him gone, not even for a moment.

When Severus had first met with Harry and Nate earlier that day, he had known he couldn't say goodbye to them today. Not on Nate's birthday, not when both of them were so happy. He knew he'd have to see this day through, as hard as it would be with the knowledge that this might very well their last time together. But leaving was necessary. He couldn't go on being John Doe and he couldn't step into their lives as Severus Snape, either. It really was better this way, Severus knew that. Cut the bond before it could get any stronger, and the hurt would be lessened.

Last night, alone in his bed, Severus had allowed himself a moment of weakness. He had laid there, picturing how his life could be if Harry would somehow, miraculously accept him into his life as Severus Snape. How he would not only be overjoyed that Severus wasn't dead, but how he would ask him to share their lives, raise Nathaniel together maybe even think about going back to the wizarding world. They could be a family – something Severus never would have thought he would long for so much.

Those dreams, fantasies, had left him with a burning pain of loss and longing in his chest. He knew he couldn't have this life, and thinking about it only meant torturing himself. It was wishful thinking, nothing more. They were the dreams of a man who had gained a glimpse of what happiness could be and then had it snatched away again.

He couldn't go back to his old life, his old routine, and, even if he could, he didn't want to. Severus knew he wouldn't want to go back to just teaching children every day. He didn't want to live at Hogwarts, knowing Harry was out there without him. Severus knew that he could never let anyone know that he had actually found Harry, that he knew he was alive, had seen and talked to him.

And in turn, he couldn't let it be known that he was back from the dead, that he was alive and teaching, claiming back the life he had once had. Harry wasn't stupid, besides the asafoetida, there was no indication whatsoever, that he had in fact still connections to the wizarding world. And if it hadn't been for his re-acquired memories, he hadn't know what the strong smelling bag of herbs was, either. Anyway, Harry would get to know about his mysterious resurrection in no time and all would go downhill from there. No, Severus had made up his mind. He would register with the Ministry of Magic, keep his new face, choose a new name and move someplace far away from Hogwarts. He'd open a little Potions Shop and live the rest of his life as someone else. Severus Snape could stay dead for all he cared. That name hadn't brought him any luck ever. Anonymity could be a good thing, as Harry's case showed. He and Nate were obviously very happy and Harry had even left the wizarding world completely.

Yes, that was what Severus would do – stay dead and start over someplace else. No-one besides the Smith's and the healer knew who he was, and they wouldn't say a word. He didn't possess anything any more, his worldly goods had gone to Albus and – hopefully – Harry too, when he had been declared dead. Severus hadn't possessed much of value in the first place and he knew that Albus would take good care of the few precious books Severus had held dear. The only thing Severus regretted was, that he wouldn't be able to pay back Emily and Greg any of the money they had spent on him.

Severus considered taking an identity that would somehow connect him to the couple that meant so much to him. They would definitely stay in touch. He'd make sure his floo was connected to their fireplace and they would be always welcome, wherever he might end up at.

Still, somehow the life Severus had ahead of him didn't hold as much appeal to him as the life he was currently living. Of course he knew that one day this had to end – it wasn't real – but parting from the life he had lead for the last couple of months would be harder than he'd thought. But his decision was made and he didn't waver.

He would say goodbye to Harry and Nate within a week's time and he would never look back. A life with Harry wasn't his for the taking and no matter how much it hurt, leaving them was his final decision.