Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Pot Plant

Disclaimer: GAH do I really have to write this? Because I an NOT JK Rowling. I DO NOT own any of her stuff. My alter ego does BWAHAHAHA hehe lame joke alert. Oh well, here comes the next lame chapter. However, it is amusing my friends and me (when I have caffeine coming out of my ears), so I am resigned to continue. What a hard life I do live (snort snort LLAMA). Oh, and I don't own the lyrics to 'This Old Hammer', either. Sorry if anyone wrote and/or likes that song, because I find it incredibly boring and pointless, and therefore, I am mocking it. EVERYBODY LAUGH. MUAHAHA. Oh, and 'We Are Family' either. Sheesh.

Author's note: One of my friends features in this chapter. Hope you (and she) don't mind. I don't own my friend either. LOL. I just know her.

Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to Stevè-llama-child: the one who motivated me to drink more Coke and continue this parody.

Colours, Lubbles and Bumps

Ten years later, Harry Potter was like, totally living it up at the Dursleys. He thought he was hard-off because they treated him like total crap BUT really, he was very lucky to have a roof over his head and at least two meals a day. And a flushing toilet. (A/N: You never realise how much you need a flushing toilet until they deprive you of one ... can you say YEAR 9 CHALLENGE CAMP! GAH! THE PAIN! AND THE STINK! I'M MELTING! MELTING, I SAY, MELTING!) Ahem. Anyway, Harry Potter was very lucky as he had a flushing toilet. Moving on.

But his only two friends in the entire world were his rubber ducky and the irrelevant pot plant, but, sadly then they both left him. Harry sat on his flushing toilet, remembering the sad, sad day ...

Flashback

"So, whatcha wanna do today, pot plant?" said Harry.

Silence.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."

More silence.

And then Stevè-llama-child and a crowd of the author's other friends (who she will not name, as she doesn't know if they will appreciate being shoved into this random fic) appeared doing the conga/can-can and yelling:

"THIS OLD HAMMER KILLED JOHN HENRY. THIS OLD HAMMER KILLED JOHN HENRY. THIS OLD HAMMER KILLED JOHN HENRY. BUT WON'T KILL ME. WON'T KILL ME."

And then the pot plant developed arms, legs and vocal cords and ran after them.

"Wait for me!" it yelled. "WE ARE FAMILY!"

And then the rubber duck followed yelling

"Squeak, squeak, long squeak, short squeak, squeeeeak!"

Which roughly translates to "All fear the naughty little blue dog of DOOM and then bring me a cheeseburger with everything MUAHAHAHA."

End Flashback

But that is irrelevant.

So Harry was all alone. ALONE. So he sat. Alone. And cried. In the dark. On the flushing toilet. And saw this fic.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Why is the chapter called 'Colours, Lubbles and Bumps?"

"Because," I said triumphantly. "It is the name of the experiment some people did in science. And it sounds cooler than 'Study of Gases' or 'Chemical Analysis' or even 'Percentage Composition', but it IS a tough call."

So Harry rolled his eyes and made a mental note to take away the author's entire supply of Coke. Forever.

"I HEARD THAT," I yelled.

And Harry just sat there, thinking of his evil plan. Muahaha. And because the author got pissed off that Harry was ignoring her, Harry immediately came down with a rare disease that causes one to have the words 'I have hairy pimples on my back' printed on one's forehead and gives one the uncontrollable desire to yell out completely random words from time to time.

"Bob the super-macro-organism," said Harry.

"Eh?" said Dudley, who was walking past. "You're supposed to be making breakfast for my birthday, not talking about super-macro-organisms."

So Harry got up, and went to cook bacon. Vernon and Petunia sat there watching. What incredibly interesting lives they lead ... yawn. Honestly, one would think one had better things to do on a Saturday morning than watch a ten-year-old boy cook bacon. But, oh well.

"Gosling," said Harry.

Vernon and Petunia started backing away slowly.

"Eucalypt," said Harry.

Vernon and Petunia exchanged worried looks and backed away faster.

"MITTEN!" yelled Harry and ran around the room.

Dudley came in and ate all the bacon. And laughed. Oh, how he laughed. It was amusing.

Then Vernon stood up, grabbed Harry by the hair and held him up (where he kept making running motions), sighed, then turned to the rest of the human specimens.

"Since today is Dudder's birthday, we are all going to the zoo to see the animals. Dudder's friends, Piers Polkiss is coming, too."

Dudley cheered and stared at the massive pile of presents. But then the doorbell rang and Dudley ran outside, grabbed the door-to-door salesman and jumped in the car. Then he realised that the door-to-door salesman was, in fact, not Piers. So he cried. The door-to-door salesman, not Dudley. And then he jumped out of the car and ran away crying. And Dudley sulked. Alone. MUAHA. But then Piers came :all groan:. So the whole family piled into the car and drove to the zoo.

At the zoo, Dudley ate two big chocolate icecreams, three hot dogs, a large serve of French fries and a random lolly he found on the ground. And then he threw up. Harry ate a lemon. A little lemon. Because for some unknown reason someone was selling lemons. Don't ask.

They were in the reptile house when IT happened. :cue scary music:

"Grapefruit," said Harry.

Everyone rolled their eyes. And then Harry saw it the POT PLANT! It was poking, oh yes, it was poking the cages and maniacally laughing. It was also amusing. Harry got all teary-eyed and ran to it, but then it just developed a hand and a face and vocal chords and said ...

"Talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it."

So Harry sat down and cried. But that is irrelevant.

"Library!" he sobbed, before giving the author an angry look. "PLEASE take this bloody curse off me! Everybody's looking at me like I'm retarded."

So the author took the curse off ... partially. Muahahaha.

And then the second IT happened: Dudley saw the snake. :cue slightly less scary music: He started whacking the glass, trying to make the snake move, but it didn't. So he sat down and sulked. ALONE. And then the snake saw Harry.

"God, you're a loser," said the snake. "Who has 'I have hairy pimples on my back' tattooed on their forehead?"

Harry growled and was about to blast the snake into next century, when he remembered he couldn't. So he scrunched up his nose. Ooooh, scary!

And then the glass disappeared. And Dudley took a great flying leap and landed in the water. And cried. Alone.

And then the pot plant did a striptease. But that is irrelevant, and everybody was looking at Harry, anyway. And laughing. OH, HOW THEY WERE LAUGHING!

And then the snake slithered out of the enclosure and did a striptease, too. And it considered crushing Harry, but then decided it wasn't worth the bother, so he slithered away. And then an escaped rhinocerous ate him. RIP snake. MUAHAHA.

So Vernon picked up Harry and Dudley and left Piers at the zoo and took them home. He got Dudley some really nice computer game. And he gave Harry another lemon, which he then picked up and ran arround Privet Drive with, screaming "LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON LEMON!"

And then Vernon told him to shut up.