AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote Chapter 1 and then thought "What if we could hear Josh's point of view about what happened?"

Nothing like some PMS to make for some angsty thoughts.

Here it is. Josh's POV.

xxx

I see you, Donnatella.

You are sitting in those huge, blue pajamas that C.J. gave me. You're practically swimming in them. You could fit two of you in them.

And you've been crying. You know how I feel about women and crying, Donna. You have to stop that.

And yes, I know what you wrote in your diary.

xxx

Don't be sorry for spreading your wings. Don't ever be sorry for trying to find out who you are. Life is too short for you not to live.

I was an ass for not realizing that sooner.

The day you went to work for Russell, I swear I would have physically restrained you and kept you with me if I thought it would do any good. I couldn't believe you would leave me. Me! Of all people!

But I couldn't do it. You were so determined to make your own way. And I couldn't offer you what Russell could – not the big salary or the prestige. There was nothing I could give you but me and I was too stupid to do even that.

So, I was angry and you were angry and I let you go. We both thought we were going to go out and do good.

I just wish we could have done it together.

xxx

You're right. We never were together when the shit hit the fan.

I'm so sorry for that.

I want you to know that I always felt guilty I wasn't the one to tell you about President Bartlet's MS. That I wasn't there for you in Gaza. That there were things you had to hear about and live through when I wasn't there.

There were so many times that I wanted to protect you. Yes, I wanted to protect you.

There, I said it. Josh Lyman, ultimate screw-up, thought enough to want to protect someone else.

I just wasn't able to do it.

I always thought that maybe that was why you left. Because I wasn't able to protect you like I should have. That I wasn't there in Gaza and you suffered all that pain because of me.

I'm sorry.

xxx

Matt Santos will be a great president. Just watch. I knew he was the real thing when I met with him that first time. I felt the same way I did those years ago when I went to see President Bartlet for the first time.

He will go on to do great things. Just wait and see, Donna. Great things will happen.

Don't hate him for what happened. Join him if you can. You have an incredible mind and a wonderful heart and you shouldn't spend your life running from what you know you can do.

Go back to Washington and fight the good fight. We need more people like Donna Moss there. Being a librarian, even for the President, (while it is an entertaining thought and does make me laugh) is not your future.

If you have to do it for a reason, do it for me.

xxx

Oh yes, the night of the good cop/bad cop routine.

When I think of you, sometimes, I think back to that night. You were hanging out of your window like Rapunzel and the snowballs were flying. I was so angry with you for lying and so proud of you for being strong. And that dress…

You were beautiful, Donna. Did I tell you that? I hope I did. Sometimes I forgot to tell you.

Actually, there were many times I forgot to tell you.

xxx

It was the sun, by the way. I saw a flash –the barrel of the gun in the sunlight.

What was I thinking?

It's funny, because what they say is true… time slows down and it allows for a lot of thought.

I thought of Matt Santos and his wife and his children. I thought of all the good he could do and all the things he had left to achieve.

I thought of Dad and Joanie and that it would be nice to see them again.

I thought of Mom and the fact that I was all she had left and I wished I had called her back the night before when she left me a message.

And I thought of you. You were never far from my mind, no matter what I was doing, so it's not that big of a shock that you were in my thoughts. I was sorry that I would hurt you again. You had been through so much and had been so strong. I thought that I had wasted a lot of time when it came to you and that it would probably be my greatest regret.

And I thought about how much I loved you.

But I wasn't afraid. I hope you realize that one day.

xxx

I don't really remember much about the hospital.

I remember seeing Leo. I tried to tell him I was sorry I was a disappointment. That I had really tried to make him proud.

And I remember you. I wanted to badly to make sure you knew that I loved you. And that I didn't want to leave you but I couldn't fight any more.

I'm glad you heard me. You were right, I was worrying.

xxx

You're sleeping now. Under the blankets, all curled in a ball.

I want to take you in my arms and tell you that it will get easier. In time, things won't hurt so much and one day, you'll wake up and this won't be the first thing you think about in the morning.

Don't ask me how I know, but I know these things.

xxx

When you talk to Sam again, tell him that I remember Gage Whitney. That it's funny the things you learn. And you remember.

Tell C.J. that I'm not angry about the fact she got Leo's job. That she's really doing wonderful and she needs to hold her head up. She's incredible and she needs to remember that.

Let Toby know that I'm not mad. I understand now and I'm not mad.

xxx

There are a lot of things I regret, Donna. Things I didn't do and didn't say. Or, being me, things I did do and did say.

There are things I don't regret, though.

The first is taking that step when I saw the gun. One day, I hope you'll understand why I did it. I'd do it again, if I had to. Let's just say that for once, I didn't completely screw up.

The second is that you weren't with us in Philadelphia. Because I can look at you, safe in that bed, under that old quilt, in my giant, blue pajamas and know that tomorrow is another day for you. I can hold that next to my heart and be thankful.

I don't regret either of those things.

xxx

I think of New Hampshire, too, sometimes.

I think back to that day when I walked into my office and found a scared, strong, beautiful woman talking on my phone.

I think that it was the best day of my life.

xxx

I miss you, Donnatella. And I'll never stop watching over you.

Keep writing in that journal.

I'll keep sitting by your bed watching you sleep.