Disclaimer: Even though I don't own any of these characters, making them do things like this is just oh so fun...

Summary Now Added: Take one messed up Harry Potter. Add one extremely uninterested Severus Snape. Mix it all up with some wacky random plots and you get my story! HarrySev...sorta. Absolutely odd.

Something I wrote to pass the time. I think I'm high on pocky. And because I am a yaoi freak. I was lazy. Once again. I didn't feel like adding all those 'said Harry', 'said Severus' and junk. So you get to figure out who's talking.

Haha.

The stupid thing doesn't even have a title. No wait, how about...

Things That Can Go Wrong While Seducing Your Potions Master

Harry yawned, covering his mouth with his hand. It was, after all, already past eleven o'clock. His shadow flickered on the wall, projected there by a single candle, as he situated himself more comfortably on the edge of the desk.

"Will you stop moving?" Severus Snape snapped, shifting his papers over as Harry slid around. "You're distracting me."

Harry pouted. "Hmph. Sorry, you just take too long..." he dragged out the word 'long.' "Can't you do that any faster?"

"Grading papers is harder than it looks," Severus replied, setting aside another paper and picking up the next one. "I'd like to see you try it."

"Don't you just check to see what house the person that wrote it is in, then, depending on that, give them a good or bad grade?" Harry shot back. Severus's eye twitched.

"Will you PLEASE stop it?" he grumbled, as Harry started to scrutinize the paper he was grading currently.

"Nope. Let's see, Hufflepuff. That's a D. Easy enough."

"That's NOT how I grade things, Potter," Severus said as he rolled his eyes, trying to push Harry off his desk.

Harry kept his place, he wouldn't be forced out of his seat so easily. "Oh, back on last name terms now, Snape? When did this happen?"

"You, Potter, are the bane of my existence."

"I thought that was my dad's job?"

"He passed the job down to you."

"Along with his charming personality and smashing good looks?"

Severus snorted and laughed so hard that he started choking. "Yeah, I'm sure." He burst into another fit of laughter.

"I wish I was taping this. It would be the perfect blackmail. 'Severus Snape Laughs.' Everyone would be so surprised," Harry grinned.

The potions master stopped laughing enough to breathe properly. "Tape? Like that sticky muggle stuff they use? What the hell?"

It was Harry's turn to start laughing. "Tape, you moron, like a VHS, on a camcorder. Geez, you'd think that grown-ups would have more common sense than that."

"You'd think that children would have more common sense to know when their teachers want them to leave!" Severus growled.

Harry frowned and flopped back onto the desk, crushing Severus's hands under him. "I don't wanna go."

"You're getting ink all over your back," Severus said calmly. "And, I think my hand is being squashed beneath your ass. Now move."

"I don't care."

"About the ink or my hand?"

"Both. Ink comes off clothes...sometimes...and your hand will be on my ass soon anyway. If you'd HURRY UP! Hint-hint."

"Whoever said I was going to sleep with you tonight?" Severus raised an eyebrow.

"You, jackass! You promised!"

"Did I really?"

"Yes, you did! Would you like me to remind you of the last time you turned me down...?"

Severus shuddered. "No, thank you. I'm going to be very frightened of green jell-o for the longest time, now."

Harry laughed again. "Come on, Sevvie...It's almost midnight. Who on earth is going to walk in on us at midnight?"

"You'd be surprised," Severus muttered.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing. I just think it's a stupid idea, what with your tendency for trouble and my very unlucky streak."

"I wasn't suggesting we do it on a table in the Great Hall or something."

"Good thing too, or I would crucio you into next Tuesday if you would even bring up something like that."

"But now that you mention it..."

"Potter!"

"I thought we got rid of this last name thing? My name's Harry. Say that with me. Har-ry." He paused. "Or, if it turns you on, you can pretend I'm James."

"My God, Potter! I don't even want to know what goes through that head of yours!" Severus yelped, looking completely disgusted.

"Come on, Sev, you can't mean to say that you don't think I look like my father. Isn't the resemblance uncanny?"

"If you're trying to get me to have sex with you, this is most definitely not the way to do it, boy."

"You mean you were considering it?"

"Maybe."

"Ah-ha! So you DO like me!"

"No way. I don't even know why you're here. Leave now."

"Sev, we're going in circles."

"I don't care! WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE?"

Harry looked genuinely about to cry. "But, but Sev..."

"Oh, crap Potter, please don't cry in my office. It's not...a very manly thing to do..."

"Why do you care if I'm manly or not? I'm gay, isn't that all you need to know to tell what my masculinity level is. "

"...Please leave me alone before I kill you."

"Aw, Sevvie, you do like me!"

Unexpectedly, Harry leapt off the desk, turned on his heel very fast, and embraced Severus in a bone-crushing hug. This didn't go exactly as planned, though, because he knocked over Severus's chair in the process, which then led to Severus dragging half of what was on the desk down with him in an attempt to remain in an upright position. Papers and ink were everywhere, all eventually coming to settle onto the two on the floor.

It was at this moment Draco Malfoy decided to walk in.

"HOLY SHIT!" he cried, spotting Harry and Severus tangled together on the floor. "Er, should I come back later? I just had some Order stuff..." Draco trailed off as he saw Severus rhythmically beat his head against the floor. "Professor, are you okay?" His eyes darted nervously from the teacher to Harry, who was laughing his head off.

"Potter! What did I tell you?" Severus spat, attempting to push Harry off his chest. "This is all your fault!"

"Now, now — Professor," Harry smirked. "This is your fault too. Weren't you saying something earlier about your very unlucky streak? Besides, I'd say this worked out particularly well, wouldn't you? I got you away from the desk."

"And now you're crushing my ribs!"

"Um, Professor? Potter? Do I even want to know what's going on?

"No."

"Yes."

"Potter, shut up! I'll do the talking here. And get off me, for the last time!"

Still smiling, Harry slid off the potions master and allowed him to get up. "Happy?" he asked.

"Not really. You're still in my line of sight."

"I'm sitting on the floor, idiot. Don't look at me if you don't want to."

"I'd really appreciate it if you got out of my office."

Harry looked thoughtful for all of two seconds, then said, "No thanks. We were busy. Until YOU came in." He shot Draco an angry glance.

Draco paled, if even possible, as his gaze flew between Harry and Severus. "You're not telling me —"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, boy," Severus spoke abruptly. "I was merely grading papers, and this insolent imbecile over there wouldn't leave me alone! He then knocked me over by accident and...tripped."

"But —"

"Don't say a thing! I want you to leave those files on my desk and leave immediately! And take this half-wit with you. Please?" Severus begged the blonde-haired boy.

"NO! I DON'T WANNA LEAVE WITH THE FERRET-BOY!" Harry wailed, and clung desperately to Severus's legs. "Let me stay!"

"Actually, I really want to leave on my own, now. He sort of scares me," Draco replied, looking at the mumbling psychopath attached to Severus's pant leg.

"Are you both out of your minds! I want him out of here!" Severus practically yelled. "He's — OW, HOLY FUCK! Did you just bite me?"

Harry nodded, looking up from the leg recently in his mouth. "Now may I stay?"

"ARGH!" was all Severus could get out. He leaned down to pry Harry off of him, almost falling over in the process. Harry grinned, leaning up to meet Severus's face halfway, and their lips collided into something that might have been called a kiss, if kisses were very painful and caused internal bleeding.

"Haha! You kissed me!" Harry proclaimed, unaware that Draco was still in the room, or that his lower lip was bleeding.

"What? You kissed me, you liar!" Severus argued, also ignored the other boy and the pain in his tongue.

"Is this something you two do every day?" Draco asked, curious despite himself.

"No."

"Yes!"

"If you are so desperate to sleep with me, Potter, why do you always contradict me?" Severus practically shouted.

Harry paused. "Because it's fun..." he replied after a moment.

"Woah, sleep with you?" Draco asked. "You mean, if I had come in here a few minutes later..." A revolted look crossed his face.

"My God, no!" Severus proclaimed. "First off, I would never have sex in my office. Someone would walk in like you just did. It always happens in stories like this."

"I would hate to read a story like this," murmured Draco. "It's too bizarre..."

"Secondly, there is no way in hell I would sleep with something like Potter," Severus continued.

"WHY ARE YOU IN DENIAL!" Harry yelled, grasping Severus once again in a hug.

"Denial about what? Are you on something?"

"Denial about your love for me, of course!" Harry replied. "And no, not that I know of. Oh, wait, I HAVE been taking that Advil stuff Hermione's been giving me for those headaches I always used to have. I've been using that a lot recently."

"Great. I'm getting hit on by a boy drugged up on pain killers."

"May I kill him, Professor?" Draco asked eagerly.

"No, I think that's going a little too far...Maybe we could make him really dizzy and set him on the edge of the lake. Then he might drown himself..." Severus mused.

"You are both being very mean. Can't we all just get along?"

"No."

"No."

"For once, someone agrees with me. Thank you Draco."

"No problem."

"Hey, you called him by his first name!" Harry exclaimed. "You never do that for me!" He gasped. "You're cheating on me with Draco, aren't you, Sevvie!"

"Potter, I can't be cheating on you because we were never together. And you just called Draco by his first name. Doesn't that mean that you're cheating on me?" Severus answered.

Harry paled. "OH NO! I'M SO SORRY, SEVERUS! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!" Harry sobbed uncontrollably into Severus's thigh.

"You know, that is sort of awkward, Potter. Could you please remove your face from my crotch?"

The sobs receded into sniffles. "Actually, I kinda like it here...it's warm."

"God help me," Severus moaned, trying to pull away the crying 17-year old. "How about if I call you by your first name? Will you leave me alone?"

"Maybe..."

"Alright. Harry, I forgive you. Now get the hell off me."

"NEVER! I said 'maybe'! MWAHAHA!"

Severus groaned. "Draco, can you just kill us both?"

"Er, I'm not so sure that'd be aloud..." Draco replied. "But I could stun him or something."

"You can't hurt me, I'm invincible!" Harry cried, leaping up so suddenly that Severus fell over.

"OW!" Severus yelped, falling straight onto his butt.

"Oops," Harry muttered. "Did that hurt?"

"It God damn did hurt, you moron!" Severus snarled. Gingerly, he felt his butt to see if anything was broken. Harry crouched down beside him.

"Do you need help?"

"No, thanks," Severus glared, while Draco snickered in the background. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, Professor," mumbled Draco. "I was just thinking what a cute couple you two'd make. You'd probably kill each other by accident."

"Even if it was cute, it would still make me a pedophile," Severus replied sharply. "Besides, I don't really swing that way."

"Oh, come on, Prof. You kissed Harry. That was proof enough."

"It was an accident!" Severus protested. "What's with you two, ganging up on me?"

Harry, however, was still thinking of the comment Severus had made only a few moments earlier. "How old are you, anyway?"

"You wanted to have sex without even know my age? What kind of idiot are you?"

"Um, a smart one?"

Severus snorted. "Yes, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm old enough to be your father. Do you get it now?"

"If you had married my dad, you could be my father."

"Come again?"

"What, are you deaf? I said, if you had married my dad, you could be my father."

"Are you really stupider than you look? If I had married your dad, you wouldn't be alive, numbskull."

Harry paused. "Oh, yeah..." he said finally.

"Look, I'm sorry to interrupt this lovely conversation, but it's almost 12:30. I need sleep. Or sex. Something along those lines. So I'm going to leave now, okay?" Draco cut off Harry. "Night-night. Have fun, you two."

With a grin, Draco swept out of the room, unaware that Severus was giving him a dirty look.

"So, Sevvie," Harry purred, which incidentally sounded like rocks being rubbed against other rocks. "It's just you and me again."

"Until someone else walks in on us," Severus said.

"What makes you think that'll happen?"

"This is a weird day. Weird things are bound to happen. Like having someone walk in on us while you're trying to seduce me. Which isn't working, by the way."

"Then why haven't you killed me yet?"

"Because I'd like to keep my job, thank you very much."

"Hmph. I don't like your attitude, mister," Harry frowned. "I think someone needs a hug."

Severus tried to protest, but all that got out was the 'N' in 'no!' before Harry had given him another hug. It seemed to be something Harry did a lot. Of course, when Harry hugs someone, something always goes wrong. This time, his foot slipped on Severus's sleeve, causing him to fall forward once again and land most uncomfortably on Severus.

"This is most uncomfortable," muttered Severus, as Harry's knee dug into his crotch.

"I kinda like it," Harry murmured, whose head was press up against Severus's neck. "Though, I'm afraid I might need to breathe soon."

"Then get up. This floor is cold."

"But you're so warm. And my leg is bent in an unusual way."

"I know. It's in my crotch."

"I meant the other one."

"Oh. Well, that would be the one caught under the desk."

"Really? Darn. I guess we'll have to stay like this until someone comes to our rescue," Harry said innocently. "Until then..."

"We'll do no such thing. I'm sure that if we twist your leg enough —"

Severus was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Professor Snape? I have those drafts you needed ASAP — HOLY HELL, HARRY?" Hermione stood in the doorway, parchment clutched to her chest in shock.

"'Lo, 'Mione," Harry greeted her, muffled by Severus's hair.

"Hello Miss Granger. If you would stop gaping for a moment, you will notice that Mr. Potter's leg is stuck under my desk. Could you kindly remove it so we may get untangled?"

Hermione dropped her papers right away and tugged on Harry's distorted leg. This, however, only made his other leg jerk, causing Severus severe pain in a place he didn't like to have it.

"Erk, please, Granger, a little more gently," he moaned. Harry sniggered. "This is all your fault again."

"Oh please, not this again," Harry replied, though it sounded something like, "Oh pweah, nof tis agahn."

"Yes, this again. I told you it would happen again."

"You mean to say that you've ended up in this position before?" Hermione inquired, managing to pull Harry's leg free. It wasn't such a good thing, however, as Harry just used his freedom to wrap himself around Severus even more.

"No. This is a first," Severus answered. "And if you interpret that like Mr. Malfoy would, I am highly disappointed in you, Miss Granger."

"Interpret it like what?" Hermione asked quizzically, cocking her head to the side. "Are you stuck together?" She stared at Harry, who was snuggling up on Severus's chest.

"Not really. But I'd like it if he came off," Severus announced, poking Harry in the ribs. "Will you help me?"

"Um, I'll try," Hermione said, crouching down beside Harry. "Harry? I don't think you should be lying on Professor Snape. Some people...might get ideas."

"Really, now who's going to see us in the middle of the night, 'Mione?" Harry scoffed, as if he had forgotten all about Draco already.

"Draco and her, for starters," Severus muttered. Harry glared at him.

"What did you say? Are you contradicting me!"

"No. Wouldn't dream of it."

"Alright then," Harry smiled, completely missing the sarcasm. "I'll go to sleep now."

"Good."

When Harry didn't move, Severus poked him. "I thought you said you were going to bed."

"I am."

"Not on me you aren't!"

Hermione's eyes darted nervously around. "You're being very loud, the two of you, you know..."

"Oh, if we were honestly really loud, everyone would be here by now, Miss Granger. Besides, I soundproofed my office," Severus reassured her.

"Why?" asked Harry suspiciously. "Ooooohhhh, I get it..."

"But Professor! What if you got attacked in here? No one would be able to hear you call for help," Hermione reasoned, being the logical one of the group.

"Nonsense. I am perfectly safe at Hogwarts. Well, except from the enigma sitting on me, I suppose."

"Aw, I love you too," Harry said in a childlike voice.

"Harry, he called you an enigma," Hermione told him.

"I know. That means he cares."

"But Draco calls you an enigma sometimes, and he doesn't care about you."

"Yes he does. Just, deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep DEEP down."

"That was a lot of deeps."

"Thank you."

"Well, if you don't mind, you two, I really should be going now. Please don't make Professor Snape kill you, Harry," Hermione said, and, placing the papers she had come with on the desk, walked out of the room.

"Thank the gods. Now, Potter, Let's get this over with."

"YOU MEAN YOU'LL SLEEP WITH ME?"

"No!"

"Aw, darn. Well, I guess I'll have to keep trying."

"You will do no such thing." Severus sighed. "Please just go up to bed, Potter. Please?"

"Wow, you must be pretty desperate to have said please..."

"Yes, I am. Do you want to go to bed or not?"

"With you? Sure."

Severus groaned very loudly and slapped his face. "God damn it."

"Damn what?"

"You."

"Oh."

There was more silence until Harry spoke again.

"Do you think anyone else is going to come in?"

"I hope not. This is getting way too confusing for my tastes."

"What ARE your tastes, Professor?"

"Getting formal now, are we?"

"Maaayyyyyyybeeeeee."

"Never mind. There you go again with the weird voice."

"I don't have a weird voice."

"I can argue about that."

"Meanie."

"I'm...sorry." Severus sighed and patted Harry on the head. Harry almost broke down into tears.

"Oh my god, you just said you were sorry! And you meant it! YAY!" Harry beamed and tightened his grip on the Professor even more, if you can believe that was possible.

"Erk, Potter. You're cutting off the flow of blood to my lower body."

"Oops." He let go just a teeny bit. "Better?"

"Not really. But it'll do, Harry. It'll do." He grinned and kissed the dark-haired boy on the cheek.

Harry blushed red and grinned.

"Now, if you don't mind, I'm getting butt cramps from lying on this floor. May we get up now?"

"Nope."

"...Knew it was too good to last..."

END

...But don't blame me. Blame the things in my mind. Harry is so OCC in this, it makes me laugh.

Guess what? This story has been nominated on Multifaceted/Harry Potter Awards! Thanks to whoever nominated me, that was awesome. Go to http/magical-worlds.us/multifaceted/main.htm to vote!

Hugs and Kisses,

The Angsty-Procrastinative Eating Queen of Crappy ADHD Amazingness