"Back Story"

Rated G

Written because I'm not finished mentally bridging the gap between seasons one and two even if the writers of the show are. It's just a tiny ficlet that came to mind and begged to be told.

"So you're saying that all three times your car stalled out you were changing the radio station … and you think that's connected somehow?" Ryan's skeptical tone and raised eyebrows made Lindsay want to punch him. Why did boys always take that condescending tone when you talked to them about car troubles?

"No. I didn't say I thought it was connected. I was just telling you what I was doing when it happened." She added after a moment, "And it is a weird coincidence, don't you think?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. I guess." He shrugged and reached to pull his physics text out of his back pack. "Look. After school let me take a look at the engine and see if I can figure out what's going on."

Lindsay opened her mouth to protest. She could take the car to a mechanic. She didn't need Ryan's help and she hadn't been trying to get it by telling him about the stalling. But just then the substitute for Mr. Whelan walked into the classroom.

"Hi. My name is Ms. Burgoyne. I'll be filling in for Mr. Whelan today, but contrary to the popular belief that a substitute only takes up space and gives busy work, I am here to make sure your class time is as productive and educational as he would make it. Now, if you'll open your books to…." The young blond woman referred to a page of notes then looked back up at the class with a smile, "page 154, we will review your answers to the questions from Chapter 6."

Lindsay looked over at Ryan to exchange an eye roll about what a waste of time substitutes were and was surprised to see his eyes riveted on Ms. Burgoyne. She looked back at the teacher to see what had him staring so intently. The woman was about 5'5", mid 30's, unremarkable looks. The only unusual thing about her was the swell of her pregnancy under her maternity top.

Ms. Burgoyne began to call on students to explain their work while Lindsay kept furtively glancing at Ryan. She had become quite proficient at this during the past several weeks since her embarrassing crush on him had developed. Today it was especially easy to sneak peeks since his attention was totally focused on the woman at the front of the room.

As the class progressed, Lindsay noticed that Ryan was kind of pale and his jaw was clenched tight. Abruptly he rose from his seat and pushed past Lindsay's chair.

"Excuse me. Can I have a hall pass?" he muttered at Ms. Burgoyne as he approached her desk.

The substitute gave him that doubtful look teachers always bestow when you ask for a pass, as if they just know you're faking the need to pee so you can go smoke a joint or something, but she handed him the pass without question. Ryan took it and walked quickly from the room.

Lindsay sat and contemplated his strange manner for another minute and a half before she couldn't stand it any more. She raised her hand and had to work really hard at convincing Ms. Burgoyne to give her a pass as well.

Once outside of the classroom, Lindsay looked up and down the hall for Ryan. She noticed one of the exit doors gently closing and she headed toward it.

She pushed through the door and walked out into the blinding sunlight of a bright California morning. Ryan was standing on one of the patios overlooking the ocean. Lindsay wondered if there was an un-scenic view anywhere on the whole campus. The school was so perfectly landscaped that sometimes it made her want to pull up the shrubbery or deface a wall.

She approached Ryan, noting his stiff posture and how his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. She stopped a few steps behind him and called out a quiet, "Hey," so she wouldn't startle him.

Ryan gave a little jerk of surprise and turned to look at her over his shoulder.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you," she said.

He didn't answer but turned back toward the view. Lindsay was surprised. Ryan was usually such a talkative guy, easy-going and fun to banter with. She had never seen him so reserved and … upset. He was definitely upset about something. She took a few more steps until she stood beside him.

"What's up?" she asked.

There was a long pause before he answered, "Nothing." She could feel the 'go away' vibes rolling off him but her curiosity was piqued.

"Come on, Ryan," she pressed. "We're friends, right? And friends tell each other when something's wrong. What happened in there?"

Another long silence followed. Lindsay watched Ryan's profile; those intense eyes scanning the horizon, volumes of information stored just behind them. She could tell he was considering, weighing what he was going to say. It was the same look he had when he was working through a really tough physics problem. She waited patiently.

"Last summer," he finally said, "I didn't live with the Cohens."

Lindsay had already learned the barest sketch of Ryan's story, how he had been arrested for stealing a car with his brother and ended up coming to live with Seth and his parents because his mom took off. But after sharing the broad strokes, Ryan had made it very clear that he wasn't interested in talking about his past … at all. So their conversations had mostly centered on future plans and dreams and day to day school life. Lindsay hadn't pushed because she figured she'd learn more about Ryan by asking less. Today was the first glimpse he had offered her of another side of himself. She suppressed the need to ask questions and simply waited.

"A friend of mine from Chino was … in trouble, so I went there to help her out."

Lindsay wasn't a math whiz for nothing. She quickly made the connection between point A, pregnant substitute teacher, and point B, troubled friend in Chino. The realization of what he was telling her sucked the breath from her body.

"I lived there all summer. Worked construction. But in the end, she…." He glanced at Lindsay, checking her reaction, and she schooled her face to show nothing – no shock, no surprise, absolutely no blame or pity.

"She lost the baby." He was so quiet she had to lean slightly toward him to hear. "She didn't need me anymore, so I came back here."

Lindsay didn't trust her voice or her ability to come up with the right words so she merely nodded.

"I never even knew if it was mine or not." He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away from her. "Thing is, I felt guilty afterward because I was so glad to have it gone, to have my life back again, you know?"

She nodded once more.

His mouth dropped open and she watched his tongue move around inside it in that odd yet sexy way he had – as if his tongue were searching for lost words. He exhaled in what sounded almost like a sigh before speaking again.

"This is the first time I've really thought about what I lost."

There was another very long pause and Lindsay watched the fingers of his right hand clutch and release his upper arm several times. His voice was husky when he spoke again. "This is the first time it felt … real. Seeing that…." He inclined his head toward the school building. "Theresa would have looked like that by now."

Lindsay felt an ache in her chest at how wistful he sounded. She waited in silence for a few more moments but Ryan was done talking. Finally she managed to whisper, "I'm sorry."

He nodded and shifted from foot to foot as he continued to stare out at the horizon.

There was so much more she wanted to ask. She thought Ryan was dating that girl Marissa last year and wondered how this friend from Chino entered into the equation. She was sure she could get the answer to this and any other questions from Seth if he could stop talking about Summer long enough to explain it all. But she wouldn't ask Seth. It wasn't his story to tell. She would be patient and when Ryan was ready, maybe he would tell her more.

"Well…." She cleared her throat. "Do you want to … skip the rest of the morning? Drive somewhere? Maybe get a coffee or something?" She couldn't believe she was saying it. Lindsay had never skipped school in her life and she certainly couldn't afford to have any black marks here at Harbor where she was on scholarship and needed a stellar record to show her commitment to academia when she applied to the Ivys. What had happened in three short weeks to change her from a focused overachiever to a lovestruck idiot?

Well, the answer to that was obvious and was standing right in front of her looking at her now with heartbreakingly beautiful blue eyes. He grinned and it was like light being turned on in a dark room. The shadows of guilt, pain and unhappiness were banished and he appeared the teasing, good natured guy she was used to. "You're suggesting we skip? What are you, Lindsay's evil twin?"

"Hey, I'm not a total academic geek. I can walk on the wild side sometimes."

He laughed a little then took her arm to lead her back toward the building. Lindsay's nerve endings shivered at his touch on her skin and she was totally ashamed of herself for being so ridiculously hot for him. It wasn't like her to lose her head like this.

"Naw. We'd better go back," he said. "Don't want to give the sub a hard time."

She glanced sideways at him. It was as if a mask had slipped back in place. She was reminded of the theater mask representing comedy. But she knew now that the tragedy mask was right behind it and she wanted to let him know that it had been okay for him to let her see it, that he could trust her with his private thoughts.

"Ryan, seriously, if you ever want to talk about … anything, I'm here to listen," she said, as he held the door for her and she entered the building. She looked over her shoulder at him and he smiled.

"Okay." His response sounded non-committal and Lindsay wondered if there was something more she should have done or said to draw him out. But she simply didn't know Ryan well enough yet to prod and poke at him. Only time would tell if he would trust her enough to share more about himself or if their friendship would continue on a surface level.

"You go in first," he said as they approached the door to Mr. Whelan's room.

"And, Lindsay." His voice stopped her hand on the door knob before she opened it. "Thanks."

She looked up into his earnest eyes and felt her stomach flip and her knees go weak. It was truly sickening.

Lindsay dipped her head in acknowledgement and gave him a smile. "No problem. Friends, right?"

She opened the door and went back into the classroom.

THE END

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