A/N: Obviously I did not get this chapter up as soon as I intended. I've been dealing with a lot of shit in my life recently (who hasn't) and I'm just now getting around to picking up the pieces and becoming a stronger person. I'm starting to see the humor in things again and for once, I'm being optimistic about life. (I've been a pessimist for the last 5 years of my life and I have realized that it's starting to push away all who are close to me, especially the guy that used to be in love with me =[ ). BUT…..I am, for now, doing this as a distraction. Believe me; you'll be seeing more of Lexi the Writer, even though I'm sure a lot of my reviewers have moved on. =/ oh well, shit happens, better to just move on. This chapter is over 6 pages and has 1,942 words, not including my Author's Note. Now we begin.
Small Disclaimer – I don't own SHIT. Except this story; And myself….I hope.
Somewhere…an obsessed fan buys Lexi The Writer off of Craig's List.
"Not for long…" They said while rubbing their hands toward in an evil-ish way.
Where Saint H Wakes Up
Saint H opened his eyes and found himself chained to a table in a dimly lit dungeon. His eyes scanned his surroundings and it began to dawn on him. He was in Raven's bathroom.
"SHIT! HELP! SHE'S GONNA RAPE ME WITH A MACE LIKE TOOTHBRUSH!" Saint H screamed.
Raven came sauntering in the bathroom, wearing a sexy dentist outfit.
"…..NEVERMIND! I HAVE THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL! WHOEVER IS COMING FOR ME CAN GO SEE A MOVIE OR SOMETHING, I'M GOOD!"
Meanwhile….
Beast Boy eyed CerberAsta warily as the male reviewer ate a Klondike bar.
"Why are we letting Lexi get shitfaced?" He asked.
"Part of the plan," CerberAsta said while savoring the taste of his frozen treat. "Damn, it's like an orgy of hot cheerleading lesbians in my mouth."
"How did you even get that Klondike bar?" Beast Boy wondered.
Earlier At A Bar in Nome, Alaska
An Eskimo (I know, not the proper term, but DEAL WITH IT) was drinking a beer when suddenly the doors busted open. Two strangers wearing some heavy black parkas were walking towards the bartender.
The first stranger, who was apparently a female, stated that she needed a keg.
The second stranger, who was male, stated that he wanted a video camera.
"This here is a bar, not a damn Best Buy store, sonny." The bartender said as he rolled a keg over towards the female.
The male stranger lowered his hood and glared.
"No shit, but you're the only bartender we know who has a child pornography ring and a video camera handy. Plus, we have the pictures to prove it. So we figured we'd take the cheapest route." CerberAsta replied, holding up pictures of a naked Gizmo (SHIELD YOUR EYES!).
"Plus you sell kegs, to minors!" The female chirped in, lowering her hood as well.
The Eskimo that was mentioned earlier (yes, he has a purpose! go me!) walked over to CerberAsta.
"….What would you do for a Klondike bar?" He asked whilst waving the ice cream in his face.
The female then threw the keg at the man.
"Throw a keg across the room at a lonely Eskimo, trying to get laid." Lexi said as she dragged the keg out of the bar and into the snow.
CerberAsta then sighed and walked out of the bar.
End of Flashback
"So you spent a thousand dollars for a keg, a video camera and a horny old Eskimo with a Klondike bar? How is that the cheap option?" Beast Boy said, frustrated.
"…Shut up. I don't understand these plots either you grass stain. I just get paid to sit here and look scowl-y." CerberAsta scowled.
"…You don't even get paid." Beast Boy said, exasperated.
"Fuck!" CerberAsta then got up and left.
Lexi then stumbled in with her arm around a keg wearing a bikini.
"…Who threw up on your face?" She slurred at Beast Boy before falling straight on her face.
"What a plan…" Beast Boy said.
Meanwhile….at some random movie set
"It shall be as if I had not existed in your life." R to the Patz said, in angst, to a crying girl.
"Mate Edward! Do not leave me here in Forks of Washington!" K to the Stewtz said in angst.
"…That's not in the script." The director said, clearly confuzzled.
"My love who is Bella! I cannot talk to you, since I have grown the hair of a wolf!" T to the Lautz said, in angst.
Everyone stopped the scene and just looked at him.
"…eww."
Saint H is seriously fucked
"Yay!" Saint H said in a girly squeal.
Raven stared at him in confusion.
"What? I read the title of this scene and I got excited." Saint H looked delighted.
"Well, I'll rape you later. Right now I'm trying to find out whether or not Edward is coming back." Raven said while reading New Moon by Stephanie Meyer. (No! I did NOT just advertise for Stephanie Meyer [shifty eyes]. I do have a life!)
"WHAT?! NOOOOOO! TWILIGHT IS LIKE DRUGS THAT ARE DRESSED UP AS KINKY YOUNG ADULT ROMANCE NOVELS FEATURING WEREWOLFS AND VAMPIRES NOT ACTING BADASS LIKE THEY SHOULD! WRITTEN BY A MORMON! NOOOOOOOO! THE WHOLE ODDNESS AND SCARINESS OF IT IS BURNING MY EYES OUT OF MY SOCKETS!! SAVE ME JESUS! HELP ME TOM CRUISE! USE YOUR WITCHCRAFT TO SMITHE THAT DICTATOR KNOWN AS STEPHANIE MEYER!" Saint H yelled for help, only to be attacked by a kajillion Twi-moms.
"H0\/\/ D4R35 J00!" Mama Slade yelled in leet speak while beating him with a book set.
"You're lucky Stephanie Meyer is a saint and has us fans be violent for her!" Mama Blood said while beating him with Twilight merchandise.
"I pity the fool who disses Twilight" Mama T said while beating Saint H with posters.
Saint H's own mother then walked in on the scene and shook her head.
"Mom?! NOT YOU TOO!?!" Saint H gasped.
After the horde of Twi-moms left, the demon and author were alone.
Raven rolled her eyes at what she had just witnessed and ripped off his clothes. Just when it looked like all was lost…
"Hey! This is about to get awesome!" Saint H yelled happily.
SHUT UP! Just when it looked like all was lost...Starfire appeared.
"…THREESOME!" Saint H screamed and started to hyperventilate from pure excitement.
Raven looked at the Tameranian, the human with massive sideburns and shrugged.
"Beggers can't be choosers I suppose." She said as she turned on some music to set the mood.
"I'm an emo kid, nonconforming as can be. You'd be nonconforming too if you looked just like me."
Saint H and Starfire just stared at her.
"What? I hate Barry White." Raven stated as she walked towards the two, ready to rape them.
Just then...
"Where the fuck are we?" The infamous R-Patz said as he and the rest of the Twi-cast walked into the living room.
"Are we doing the Volturi scene already? Where's Dakota Fanning at?" K to the Stewtz asked.
"I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty!" K to the Lutz sang while dancing around like an awesome mofo.
"…Our noodley father in stripper factory/beer volcano heaven, I thank thee, for this bountiful fucking, ramen." Raven said as she glomped R to the Patz, K to the Stewtz, J to the Rathz, A to the Greenez, K to the Lutz, N to the Reedz, E to the Reaz, P to the Facinz, C to the Giganz, -
"STOP WITH THE LAME ATTEMPTS TO MAKE THE OTHER ACTORS NAMES SIMILAR TO ROBERT PATTERSON'S NICKNAME YOU DOUCHE!" CerberAsta yelled from a distance.
…Well fine. Anyways, a massive Twi-Orgy ensued. It was…how you say…twi-kinky?
A few miles away, CerberAsta face palmed himself. …Teehee.
While Raven was distracted with the raping of the Twi-Cast, Starfire grabbed Saint H and flew him out of Raven's bathroom.
"WAIT FOR US!!" J to the Rathz screamed before Raven (insert sex phrase here) him.
Back Where It's Rape Free At The Moment
Saint H was staring at Lexi.
"Well?" He asked.
Lexi mumbled a reply.
"What do you mean shut it? I was about to get raped and-"
"I'm sorry it took so long to save you but I-"
"NO! I WANTED TO GET LAID!" Saint H yelled.
"Well don't worry, we have someone replacing you." Lexi said, reading a book.
When Lexi reads a book reviewers that means she's getting over her hangover. Yay for reading…and beer!
"WHAT?!?!"
Back With Raven
As the cast of Twilight lay dead, Raven turned her sights back to Saint H, only to see…
"Boxman is gonna get laaaaaaid. Boxman is gonna get action. Boxman will get his world rocked. Boxman is the only man in a box!" Ian from Smosh sang as Beast Boy danced around in a Boxman outfit.
"Where the fuck is Anthony?! He's the cute one!" Raven said as her eyes glowed red and she grew like, 20 feet.
Back with Lexi
"Hey thanks for letting me chill with you Lexi, it's been an honor." Anthony said as he munched on a sandwich.
Lexi looked up from her book and nodded.
"Wait…I'm confused. If you sent them as a distraction, then why did you also use the Twilight cast as a distraction too?" Saint H asked, confuzzled.
"Piccalo isn't a fan." Lexi said, not looking up from her book.
"…huh? I thought he was-"
"DOOOOOOOOOODGE!" Piccalo yelled as he punched Saint H.
Saint H rubbed his face while Lexi giggled.
"What's with all the YouTube references this chapter?" CerberAsta asked.
Lexi shrugged. CerberAsta then nodded and then his eyes grew wide.
"Wait…why am I here? I thought I left earlier. I don't even remember coming back."
A smile tugged at Lexi's lips.
"Well…"
Scene from Earlier
"And will we, as loyal fans, let this monstrosity ridicule the one we worship?" CerberAsta, who looked dazed, preached to a crowd of people.
"NO!" The crowd shouted back.
"Well then, let us take to the streets! Let us force our way through the doors of oppression! I say, who shall we smite?"
"SAINT H!"
"And why, shall we smite thee?"
"BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO INSULT OUR SAVIOR!"
"MARCH MEYER FOLLOWERS! MARCH!" CerberAsta then led a crowd of horny pissed off Twi-moms to Raven's bathroom.
So It Starts to Tie Together
"When the fuck did you slip me drugs?!" CerberAsta screamed.
"Klondike bar." Lexi stated.
"…I'm impressed. But does that mean you hired the Eskimo man to do that stunt?"
"No, he's just a creepy old Eskimo who tempts young lads with Klondike bars that just happen to brainwash them into leading Twi-Moms towards Twilight Haters." Lexi said.
"Wait…weren't you guys suppose to get a combination to Saint H's safe?" T to the Lautz asked.
"Aww, he figured out a hole in my story. Who's a good sexy werewolf? You are! Yes you are!" Lexi said while patting T to the Lautz on the head.
"Luckily, I remembered Starfire could break through safes, so I merely had her do so." Lexi continued.
"Wait. How come HE survived?" Saint H asked.
"You didn't figure it out when I mentioned he was a sexy werewolf?" Lexi asked.
Saint H shook his head no as Lexi face palmed herself.
"I'm Team Jacob…BUT ANYWAYS!"
"Well then go light some incense sticks near Raven so she can be stopped!" CerberAsta said, waving his arms frantically.
"Already did." Beast Boy said, returning with a loopy Raven.
"I like pancakes with fish!" She stated while turning in a circle, staring at her arms.
Everyone stared at the demon.
"She's on LSD."
"…OOOOOOOOH."
"Well, I think I've learned something today." CerberAsta said.
Cue the soft learning music from South Park.
"Yeah, it doesn't matter if you get laid or not. As long as you have friends that are willing to kill famous actors and make YouTube references for you, then that's all you really need in life." Saint H said.
"…That wasn't it."
"I think, it was…that Lexi really shouldn't write stories on a sugar high, out of boredom and distraction during Spring Break." Beast Boy said.
"…Yeah that seems about right." Saint H said.
"Yeah Lexi, go do something productive, like…drugs!" CerberAsta said while holding up a joint.
"Golly gee!" Lexi said while taking a hit.
Everyone then gathered around and laughed.
"See you next time on-"
"DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!" Piccalo yelled as he rammed Beast Boy through a wall.
"…life support."