A/N: While typing up the other story I've been posting, I found this old thing lurking around. I had another look at it and decided to put it up. I'm not too fond of it, as there are numerous prank stories out there for probably every show that inspires fanfic, but I don't recall seeing one too similar to this before. The pranks I've included aren't really terribly original, but they're all ones that my brothers and evil sister have done to each other or to other people.

Pranks

"You are a genius," Jack O'Neill said honestly, grinning at his 2IC.

Blushing slightly, Sam Carter said dismissively, "It was your idea, sir… I just knew how to make it work logistically."

"Guess we make a pretty good team, huh."

"Well, it has been about three years, sir, and so far we haven't been defeated once… we lost a few battles here and there, but overall, I'd say we're ahead," she agreed with a small smile.

Anyone passing by Sam Carter's open window that night, who also happened to know who and what these two people were, would have assumed they were referring to their work as the top-secret SGC's military half of its flagship unit, SG1. They would have been wrong. Of course, waging a constant and never-ceasing battle against the Goa'uld and other alien enemies was the basic part of their job description. Few people knew of the existence of the SGC. It was the Air Force's most highly guarded secret. But the SGC had a secret of its own. On downtime, it had been home to some of the best pranks known to man.

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Upon her assignment to SG1, Ferreti had filled her in on that little secret, no doubt trying to get on her good side by giving her a heads-up. As one of the few women on base, she would no doubt be a high priority target. The fact that she was much more… antagonistic was probably the polite word for it… than the rest of the base's female officers, combined with the fact that most of the men had been outsmarted, outmaneuvered, and just generally outperformed by her at some point or another, all boiled down to the fact that shortly after joining the SGC, she was the prime target. It also didn't help her situation any that, if the rumors could be believed, her middle-aged CO who was emotionally about eight years old, was behind the vast majority of the pranks successfully pulled on base. Sure, every once in a while, someone managed to get him back, sometimes fairly well. But his success rate was at least triple every one else's. As soon as she had found all of this information out, therefore, she had made one of the wisest moves of her career: something it hadn't occurred to anybody else at the SGC to do. She had proposed an alliance.

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"What?" Carter asked self-consciously, blushing yet again at the look on the man's face as he stared at her from across her kitchen table.

"Just thinking about that first time, way back when… green, grinning Captain Carter…" he trailed off, smiling at her in one of his rare, unguarded, genuinely affectionate smiles, which was immediately returned in full force as she too recalled the "historic" (as he dubbed it) event.

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"Um, sir, do you have a minute?" Captain Carter had asked, poking her head into his quarters. He was doing crunches.

Oh crap, she thought to herself.

"Sorry, sir, it's not important…" she said quickly, turning to go.

"Nah, I'm done, Carter, what's up?" he asked, getting to his feet with a springy step most men his age had lost twenty years earlier.

"I just… wanted to talk to you about something, if you have time," she said uncertainly, standing in the doorway awkwardly, suddenly intensely aware of how stupid her arms probably looked, hanging down at her sides.

"I already said I do, Carter, come in and sit down. What's the problem?"

She shut the door behind herself and sat down in the only chair in the room. He sat down on the edge of his bed, watching her uncertainly, as if probably fearful for her sanity. She realized the more furtive she acted, the more scared he'd probably get… it hadn't been that long since the humiliating locker room episode, after all…

Clearing her throat, she said, "There's no problem, sir, I just… have a proposition for you."

"A proposition," he repeated, looking at her in complete shock.

Realizing how that probably sounded, she blushed quickly and looked at the table before continuing. "I've heard about the… prank wars that go on here, sir, and I just thought maybe you could use my help," she said, trying to make her offer sound as appealing as possible. She fixed him with her clear gaze and was pleased to see that she had taken him by surprise.

"Your help?" he said, leaning forward, unable to hide how interested he was in this unprecedented turn of events. "I don't know, Carter… I've worked alone in the past and, if you've heard the rumors, you'll notice I'm way ahead any of the rest of these guys… so," he said, smiling knowingly. "My guess is that brilliant mind of yours has figured out you'd be better off trying to get on the winning side before somebody gets you good."

"Well… obviously an alliance would have benefits for both of us," she hedged. "Otherwise we wouldn't be able to trust each other."

"Good point," he said fairly. "All right. I see what you get from said alliance. The knowledge I won't prank you, and the knowledge that if anybody else gets you, I'll help them get you back. So… what do you bring to this alliance?"

"Well, I thought my knowledge of the base's computer and security systems, my access to the women's locker room, the fact that as I'm new nobody suspects me of anything yet so I could move around a lot more freely than you can, as everyone here knows to be on the lookout for Colonel O'Neill…"

"Interesting, I like the way you're thinking, Carter," he said approvingly. "All right. You've got yourself a deal. But if this is going to work, it's going to take a lot of careful planning. People are going to get suspicious if I don't prank you. So we're going to have to make it look like I've at least tried to get you a couple of times. And you can't look like you're enjoying my pranks any more than the other innocent bystanders. AND, you can't let on that you know anything's about to happen."

"Yes, sir," she said eagerly, unable to conceal her biggest grin that she'd successfully negotiated this all-important treaty.

"And one last thing…"

"Yes, sir?"

"You've got to act like you think the whole prank war is completely beneath your intelligence. That part, I think you'll be able to handle just fine."

She smiled again. Almost instantly upon meeting him, she had been completely disarmed by his ability to mask compliments into casual, light conversation.

"Well then, I'd like to say this is the beginning of a new era of pranking," he said, offering her his hand. She shook it, laughing.

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And so it had been. If anybody on base managed to connect the increase in the complexity and ingeniousness of the various pranks pulled on the SGC after Captain Carter's arrival, they would have merely chalked it up to O'Neill's boyish attempt to impress her. They both played their parts so well. It was brilliant. And O'Neill, for his part, thought that the best thing about it was that Carter's playful, slightly wicked side was something that only he knew about. It was their little secret.

"Ah, such humble beginnings," Jack said in a wistful tone. "And look where we are now…" Carter laughed.

"Yes, sir. Tomorrow is going to be good."

Part of Carter's addition to their little team had been the increased complexity and volume of pranks pulled, especially in tandem. She had realized a good strategy: that if they pulled multiple pranks on multiple people all at once, those people would point their fingers at each other first. It would take them a while to sort out who was behind it (and even then, they thought it was only O'Neill) and that usually gave them plenty of time to figure out what was coming at him and avoid it. They had spent two weeks carefully planning this day down to the very last detail… and it was going to be the best, by far. Nothing could stop them now.

They met with the rest of SG1 for breakfast, as they did routinely, in the commissary. The conversation was light and friendly and casual, until Daniel said, "So, Jack, what are you planning?"

Looking shocked, Jack dropped his spoon loudly, letting it clatter in his half-empty bowl of cereal. "What makes you think I'm planning something?" he asked defensively.

Daniel sighed and said, "I got a note in my locker that said 'watch your six.'"

"So?"

"You should at least try to disguise your writing, Jack… or type up your dire threats…"

"Really, sir!" Carter said with a laugh. "Getting a little careless in your old age?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You wish, Carter. One of these days… I'm going to get you."

"You couldn't get past the locks on my lab if you had a month alone in here unsupervised."

"There are other, less secure areas around here, Major, where you aren't quite as well protected."

"You've never managed it yet, sir, I don't see why you're so confident all of a sudden."

"I've lulled you into a false sense of security."

"Oh, really, sir? I'd say it's not false at all. I think I have every right to be secure in the knowledge that you could never, ever, successfully get me. Every time you've tried, I've found out about it way before any damage was done, haven't I?"

"Beginner's luck," Jack growled. Sometimes even he forgot they were just pretending.

Finally, Daniel interrupted them. "Geez, break it up or get a room already," he said loudly. "We were talking about me, remember?" he asked in an almost petulant tone, turning to Teal'c for confirmation.

Teal'c transferred half a banana to his mouth at once and replied around it, "Indeed."

Carter blushed and, after a quick glance at the clock, met Jack's eyes for just a second before saying, "Daniel, shut up!"

She didn't have to completely fake the embarrassment at his comment either, and she was able to use it as a way to leave, which she definitely needed to do. Standing up and crossing her arms, she said, "Just for that comment, I hope the Colonel DOES get you in your stupid prank war."

"Aw, Sam, come on," Daniel said with a chuckle. "Lighten up…"

"I'm just constantly amazed at how much time GROWN men can donate to such stupid jokes!" she continued, glaring at them all, her face coloring with "anger" as she stormed out of the commissary. A few of the other male SF's whistled quietly or looked over knowingly after the doors slammed shut behind her.

Even Jack took a moment to remember she wasn't really mad. Damn, she was good, he thought, keeping the smile off his face as he turned to Daniel with a shrug. "What's got into her?"

"She's always been like that. She can never let loose, not even for a minute…" Daniel muttered, poking moodily at his waffle.

We'll see who's letting loose, Spacemonkey, Jack thought to himself with a grin.

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"Carter!" he whispered quickly, sticking his head in the briefing room. She poked her head up from underneath the table and nodded.

"Almost done sir." She disappeared for another second and came back up, tucking her hair back into place behind her ears. She quickly crossed the room and handed him a small, flat, black device that was actually a modified garage door opener.

"This is it?"

"Yes, sir, just push the different buttons for different… er, effects," she whispered as he pocketed the device.

"Sweet," he said appreciatively.

She smiled at the approval and said, "Okay, I'll go take the security cameras off their loops."

"Yeah. I'll go meet Hammond for the meeting early, make him my alibi."

"Right. And I'll walk in looking harassed, holding a bunch of papers." They traded quick grins and separated.

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"Major Carter, this meeting started two minutes ago," General Hammond said, the unique mixture of patronizing reprimand and worry at how she 'overworked' herself evident in the tone reserved only for her as she hurried into the briefing room with a quick apology, carrying a stack of folders.

"Carter, when was the last time I ordered you to get a life?" Jack asked from his seat across the table, swaying back and forth casually in his chair.

"I believe it was Tuesday, sir," she replied absently without looking up from her paperwork. Jack actually laughed at that, as did Daniel.

"All right, colonel, we're ready to begin," General Hammond stated.

Of course, they weren't going to pull their prank in the middle of an IMPORTANT meeting… this one was about the interesting ratio of successful UAV landings to crashed ones… Part one of their strategy had been devised and executed solely by Jack. Wash Daniel's BDUs in the detergent he was mildly allergic to, which made him squirmy in his seat. Innocent on its own, but when combined with Carter's hidden little doohickey…

Jack glanced around the room casually. As Daniel squirmed, he pushed one of the buttons in his pocket, and a low, quiet farting noise interrupted the General. General Hammond, ever the professional, ignored the sound and continued talking.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. Jack looked at Daniel in surprise. Daniel looked confused and glanced down at the table, hoping nobody thought the noise came from him. Sam looked at him in mild surprise and (she hoped) concern.

After a few more minutes, he shifted again, and this time the noise was decidedly… louder. Jack couldn't conceal his smile, but he figured it wasn't out of character for him to smile… even Sam flashed a small one before she managed to cover it.

Teal'c this time, turned to Daniel so slowly and with such a confused look on his face Sam actually giggled at his reaction. Jack kicked her under the table. She jumped and muffled an exclamation of pain.

General Hammond looked at them all in stunned silence and said calmly, "If everyone's okay, I'll continue…"

"Yes, sir," they all chorused.

Sam's eyes widened. Not two seconds later (he had GUTS) the worst of the machine's three noises erupted. Daniel looked at them all sheepishly. "It's not me, I swear!" he burst out.

"Son, I'm trying to debrief you all!" Hammond said, quickly losing his patience at being interrupted repeatedly over silly noises. Teal'c was even smiling! This was unacceptable.

"Sorry, sir," Daniel apologized meekly, leaning back in his chair. As he did, Jack pressed his new favorite button again.

"Dr. Jackson, are you okay?" Hammond demanded.

Sam couldn't help it. The look on Daniel's face was too priceless… she clamped a hand over her mouth and her shoulders shook in silent giggles. Jack smiled at her. This was another of the benefits of pranking with Carter… HE was responsible for that laugh.

"Yes, sir, I swear it's not me, I'm fine! Just a little itchy…" He squirmed in his seat again and Jack pressed the button once more, despite catching the glint in Carter's eye that begged him to stop. This was even better than he'd expected.

"Daniel Jackson, perhaps you should visit the infirmary," Teal'c suggested.

"No, I'm fine…"

"I think that's a good idea. We'll finish this meeting later," Hammond said quickly.

"But sir I'm fine…" This time Jack didn't even wait… the noise just added itself to Daniel's insistent objections, leaving Sam collapsed on the table in a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

"Infirmary!" Hammond said tersely, gathering up his files and leaving the room.

Daniel got up angrily. "Jack, I don't know how you did this but I know it was you!" he accused.

"What are you talking about, Daniel… it's not my fault you can't control yourself… better run along to the infirmary like a good little boy."

Glaring at him, Daniel stalked out, each step accentuated by another little noise from Jack's machine. Carter was laughing so hard her side was splitting.

Teal'c let out one loud, solitary chuckle, looked ashamed at the momentary lack of control, and quickly excused himself.

"Carter, you okay?"

"Sorry, sir, I just… didn't expect everyone's reactions and… man that was a good one!"

"Don't worry about it… it was a good, natural reaction. But we need to get out of here and get on with phase two."

"Yes, sir," she agreed, trying to compose herself.

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Part of her deal with Jack had also meant that she had secured asylum for her best friend, Janet Fraiser. The doctor wasn't the victim of too many pranks, because everyone knew she could and would subject anybody she caught pranking her to a series of painful inoculations and embarrassing tests. That did not, however, prevent Jack and Sam from occasionally using her without her knowledge.

"Janet, you're not going to believe what somebody did to me," Sam wailed in her most whiny, overly dramatic tone as she sat on a stool next to her friend's workstation.

"I just saw Daniel. Don't tell me the great Sam Carter's been pranked as well."

"Yeah, but not too bad… just annoying, really. When I got out of the shower this morning, my underwear and bra were missing, nowhere to be found."

"So you don't have on any…"

"Shh," she said quickly, glancing around nervously. "And no. I don't! Don't tell anyone, okay. Especially Daniel, he'll tell the Colonel and I'll never hear the end of it."

"How do you know it wasn't the Colonel who did it in the first place…"

"Well, first of all I think it's a bit too simple for him… he'd probably hide every scrap of clothing in the entire locker room."

"Probably," Janet agreed with a sympathetic smile.

"And secondly, I checked the security footage. It was Major Rickman, but he was talking to someone on his radio the whole time, so I know he had at least somebody else in on it. So, if you could maybe figure out a reason why they needed some extra shots or something…"

"Want me to give them sore bums?" Janet asked.

"Yes, please!"

"No problem. I'll give them to all of SG3, just to be on the safe side."

"I love you."

"I know. Get out of here before someone sees you."

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Sam walked past Jack and Daniel swiftly, turning and winking at him once she was past Daniel's line of vision.

He grinned. "Got to report to Fraiser."

While he was in a corner quietly waiting his turn for her to finish, he tried not to be too proud of Sam as he saw all of SG3, big, huge men mostly, all walking around the small infirmary in inadequate hospital gowns, all clearly uncomfortable about the state of their backsides. He also tried to be as discreet as possible as he quickly snapped photo after photo of them with his pencam, which was transmitting straight to Sam's computer. At the same time as she was working on this prank, he quickly got another one underway after a quick stop in the locker room to "change."

Carter and Jack hadn't been the only ones to form an alliance, just the best at it. There was a lot of inner-team loyalty, and the rivalry between SG3 and SG5 was huge. So, while SG3 was being stuck repeatedly in the butts with large needles for a series of rather unnecessary "boosters," SG5 were showering after a week-long off-world mission, inadvertently dying their hair shocking pink in the process.

Carter and Jack, from the safety of her lab, shared a grin as they heard the various curses suddenly issuing from the locker room.

"How about the…"

"It's done," she supplied, stepping away from the keyboard with a grin. "Uploading… now."

She had rewritten several subroutines of the base's word processing programs… anybody who typed the letter S was now going to get an interesting show. She had created a webpage inspired by the dancing hamster page, except all the little dancing pictures were the members of SG3, all in their shorty gowns that never quite closed adequately at the back. Some were holding their butts in pain, others merely looked uncomfortable.

As they could hear laughter, shouting, and the song that also kicked in when the display came up, issuing from various points all over the base, they collapsed into hysterical laughter.

After a few moments, however, Jack said reluctantly, "I better get back to my office before somebody finds us together."

"Good idea, sir," Carter gasped in between laughs, quickly hiding all evidence of what she'd done by cleverly making it look as though Sergeant Siler (who had been surprised and embarrassed upon arriving at base that morning to discover that his treasured giant wrench had had the word "OVERCOMPENSATING" etched into it with a laser so that he could NOT get rid of it) had sent the program from his computer.

Three down, she thought with a grin.

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"Okay, let me press it," Jack insisted, hovering behind Sam as she typed away at the computer.

"Are you sure you want to do this to Teal'c, sir? You know he needs to kel-no-reem after lunch…"

"Aww, he'll be fine."

"I know he will, but he's never participated in the pranks, he doesn't really deserve…"

"Have you ever boxed with the man? That's reason enough. He's got it coming. Now let me send it."

"Yes, sir." She relinquished control of the mouse and watched her CO click "Send," effectively ruining the rest of Teal'c's day, as they had just sent out a mass e-mail to everyone on base aside from Teal'c himself, from Teal'c's e-mail address, requesting that fill-in-the-blank please stop by Teal'c's quarters after lunch. The poor man was going to be bombarded with visitors all afternoon.

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"Poor Daniel," Carter commented as they snuck into his office. "First the briefing room and now this…"

"This one was YOUR idea," Jack reminded her as he popped the "m" and "n" keys out of his keyboard quickly and swapped them with each other. Daniel would spend a long time wondering why his typing skills had suddenly turned to crap.

"Ooh, I've got another idea," Jack said suddenly, grabbing the scotch tape off Daniel's desk and taping the mouse ball in place.

Carter laughed and said, "I can pull up this security camera in my office later and we can watch him dealing with all this."

"Yeah, poor Daniel. You're just as evil as I am, you know," he said proudly. She grinned and shrugged.

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"Okay, now, you loop the security feed," Jack said, grabbing a garbage bag off a chair.

Carter clicked away at the computer and said, "Okay, done." She clicked on her walkie talkie and followed him down to the hallway where most of the SGC had their private quarters. While she stood guard at the end of the hall, Jack went around to every door and draped a pair of flashy satiny knickers over the doorknob, with a little post-it that said, "from Walter."

A noise at the other end of the hall sent them both sprinting to safety. Grinning, they high-fived each other and returned to their respective offices to secure alibis for themselves.

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Jack smiled to himself like Mr. Burns as the base spent the rest of the morning trying to sort out who had done what, to whom, and first… Carter's nifty little program was very hard to get rid of, as it kept rewriting itself, so that as soon as the technicians thought they'd deleted it, it would crop up elsewhere, summoned by an entirely new command. In fact, they deserved a little break… they had been working hard, after all, and their success was largely due to her input…

He grabbed his coat and headed to her lab. "Hey, Carter, whatcha doin?"

"Just working on backwards engineering the device brought back from…"

He held up his hand to stop her, grabbing her coat. "Come on, we're going off base."

"Sir?" she asked in surprise, looking at the clock. It was lunch time, but they always ate in the commissary…

"I want to be able to gloat properly over this," he said as he put her coat on her shoulders, leaning into her so he could speak quietly into her ear. "And we can't do that here. Come on. I'll have you back to your little toys in no time at all."

Grinning, she said, "Yes, sir," and quickly shut down the necessary machines.

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Daniel watched them leaving, a curious expression on his face. He KNEW Jack was behind at least some of what had happened today… certainly what had happened to him. It wasn't like either of them, but Sam in particular, to go off base in the middle of the day, and she had looked so… suddenly his eyes widened.

"Janet, are you alone?" he asked quickly after ringing the infirmary.

"No, there are several patients here, apparently there was something in the detergent that's caused a rash in several people… why, is there a problem?"

"I need you to come to my office as soon as you can. I have something incredible to tell you."

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"There's no way," Janet said simply, seated in Daniel's visitor chair across from him. "Sam wouldn't…"

"She's fooled us all, Janet. I think she's been in on this with Jack for a long time, maybe even from the beginning. Think about it. They're always verbally challenging each other, but has he ever ACTUALLY pranked her?"

"Well…"

"That we actually saw it happen? She's mentioned a few lame attempts, but has anyone ever been around her when one of these went off? Jack would make sure a prank on Sam was very public… come on. If anybody's smart enough to do this, it's Sam. She's had the perfect cover… making fun of him for being so immature, nobody would suspect her."

"But you still have no proof, I'm not going to help you prank my best friend without proof…"

"They're both out having lunch together off base right now, probably so they can have good long laughs about what they've been up to today. Come on, Janet this is military strategy here, attack your enemies at the same time, make them wonder where it came from… think about it. Nobody has ever pranked Sam. Why. Because Jack's got her back."

"Somebody DID prank her today. She told me - I thought it was the colonel. Somebody hid her underwear in the locker room…"

"That's a pretty lame prank."

"Yeah, I know but she was upset about it, so I helped her get back at…"

Their eyes both widened as they realized she had tricked Janet into helping her. "And while I was giving them shots… the colonel was in there… that's how they got those pictures. Oh my god, Daniel, you're right!"

"You HAVE to help me get them back, please, Janet," he begged. "I've been the brunt of most of Jack's pranks, especially the most embarrassing ones…"

"I know you have," she agreed, she remembered all too clearly. "I'll help you but only if Sam never finds out I had a part in it."

"Okay."

But after an hour of planning together, neither of them had anything good. They had to go back to work, but agreed to think about it in the meantime, and let each other know if they thought of anything. Daniel even searched on the internet for ideas, but they had all either been done before or weren't good enough… he needed something PERFECT for these two. Suddenly it came to him.

He rang Janet, and without even saying hello, he said, "I've got it, Janet. We can't do anything as torturous to them as what they can do to each other…"

A/N: There's a second part to this, but it could do with some major rewriting. It's quite shippy and should be out in about a week or so.