Fate, Fortune, and Friendship
MarshAngel- Chapter1
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http://angelmoon.sinfree.net
I don't do disclaimers anymore because 1.) I'm broke 2.) No one would dare sue me 3.) That would be a waste of energy.
1/24/03 - I made a few corrections nothing major. I simply reread this chapter and decided that I didn't like the way it read so i fixed it. I may decide to do the same with later chapters but that's it for now.
I stared out the window of my penthouse apartment, watching as the sun rose brilliantly over the surrounding high-rise buildings. It was almost too bright to look at but my eyes were focused on nothing and never cleared for a moment to appreciate the brilliant display of nature before me. I was occupied with thoughts of an entirely different nature. Hindsight is twenty-twenty and looking back now, last night had been a mistake, an enormous one. Last night I crossed a line that shouldn't have even been toed. Today would have me replaying the event and undoubtedly paying the price for my error. I thought, for a moment, to blame it on the alcohol we'd both consumed but that was insulting to both our prides, intelligence, and constitution. If nothing else, we were more than capable of holding our liquor. The liquor had helped of course. It had clouded our thoughts and created a murky, chaotic disarray of our emotions. There has always been something about Flor de Cana rum that attracted us both, and after downing the greater part of a bottle we'd easily consented to solving the issue of our unremitting, but suddenly overwhelming, loneliness in each other. It had been, quite simply, a bad idea, one born of desperation, impatience and long forgotten desire. Now, when the dark secret pleasures of the night had passed, we had the day to face and harsh daylight was rarely ever forgiving. I turned my back on the fast arriving daylight and leaned against the thick, wide, glass window without concern to the hard asphalt more than twenty-five stories below. She would have glared at me had she been awake to see me do this, instead of lying nestled comfortably between my sheets. I often did it just to annoy her since she seemed determined to pass her fear of heights on to me. She would never admit to her fear however. She wouldn't admit to a weakness of any kind. I glanced over at her sleeping form. Her presence here like this disrupted my normal indifference to the things that made this room the luxurious but impersonal place that it was. I looked around my bedroom as if seeing it for the first time. The room, much like the rest of my apartment, was a monument to the success I had gained, an empty trophy with no life within its walls. From the lush carpet, to the twilight-blue walls, and the enormous black lacquered Italian wood bed covered in fine black Egyptian cotton sheets, everything reeked of expense. It wasn't all that different from her own apartment, only a few city blocks away. We'd had the same real estate agent. Her own rooms were decorated with pale green walls and large plants that gave it an almost tropical feel; the set up was much the same and so were our tastes. She always reminded me of some kind of exotic, mysterious, princess. She seemed perfectly set in the environment of her own place, with it's exotic flavor, but I suspected she preferred the familiarity of mine, since she spent so much time here. I think my doorman believes she lives here. No matter where we were though, at times I was almost certain wherever she was, was home. Her presence in my apartment, in my bed, wasn't unusual but today she seemed alien to me. Undoubtedly that was because all those other times she had been dressed and mostly awake, lounging comfortable in her second home. She was my partner, my best friend, at times almost like a sister. She certainly tried to boss me around enough, telling me what to wear and what to eat as well as a variety of other interferences. She specified exactly what to get her for her birthday, for Christmas; she wouldn't want me making a terrible mistake by trying to choose something on my own. The sight of her wrapped up in my sheets, her long hair, a thick mess, tangled over her bare arms, was an entirely different image, one I hadn't even dared to fantasize about for longer than I could remember, although more than half the men I knew certainly had. Staring at her in my bed, for a moment I wondered why I'd never considered a relationship with her. I'd always known the answer to that though. It hadn't been for lack of attraction; there had been that once, a long time ago. That had been something we'd learned to ignore once we'd gotten to know each other and recognized our personality conflicts. We were far too much alike. We were similar in so many ways especially in personality and character. It was fortunate we agreed on many things because compromising wasn't a part of either of our personalities. It was what allowed us to be great business partners. One of the secretaries in the office had once referred to her as a cold bitch. It was an insult that was almost faultless. Setsu was as demanding as she was unemotional. I was almost certain that I was the only one to have seen her exhibit any type of vivid emotion; emotions so similar to my own, with their dark passionate undercurrents barely noticeable. There have been times where I was almost sure I'd felt them myself. We shared intimate emotions with no one else but each other and most often without words, offering only the comfort of our silent presence. Last night had been one of those rare moments when we'd both let down the walls we'd built - as much to block out the rest of the world, as to protect our own feelings - and allowed ourselves to delve into the overwhelming emotions we had held back for so long. We were both angry at the world. It was anger as much built on fear as it was an integral part of our personas. It was anger that had, in our younger years seemed so overwhelming it had threatened to consume us. It was the same anger that fueled our success and made us fiercely determined to conquer the past. We were both determined to conquer with our wills, the world, and whatever unjust fate, had started us off in life with such dark beginnings. It had been so long since either of us had truly thought about our dark past. It wasn't something that came up in our everyday lives of luxury, a result of the success we'd both achieved. Something about last night had us both thinking of the past however. Of course it could have been just another of Setsuna's binges, one I'd gladly joined, not for a moment recognizing it for what it might have been. Ever since we were young, struggling together to make it against every obstacle in our path, we'd recognized a self-destructive dark side in each other. Now we were in business together and in many ways things hadn't changed, except we never mentioned the struggles we had faced so many years ago. I knew she thought about it though. She didn't want to, but she did, and ever so often it sent her a bit over the edge. Every once in a while Setsuna would shut herself off from the world and drown herself in excessive amounts of liquor. It was a strange habit that had begun when she'd been only sixteen. Of course she had graduated from the cheap harsh liquor she had been able to afford then, to the South American Flor De Cana, flavorful Jamaican Appleton rums and Macallan scotch. She wasn't by any means an alcoholic; it was just her way. She always called and I'd always come just in time to pick up her limp body from the floor of whatever hotel room she happened to be lying in, take her back to my apartment and put her to bed, lying beside her until she woke up in some semblance of sobriety for another few months. Last night hadn't been the result of one of her binges, however; not entirely anyway. I suspect now, looking back, that it could have been the start of one; one I had interrupted. There had been a party, one I had insisted we attend, despite her wishes to stay at home. The New Years Party was obviously the catharsis for last night's events. I should have been more sensitive to her mood, but determining Setsu's emotion's had always been somewhat difficult. She had been a bit more stoic and colder than usual. Her dark green eyes had held a glint of impatience only I could recognize, but somehow managed to ignore. I had, for a change, been the one doing the convincing. I'd wanted to attempt some casual business during the party and having her there was important. She was, after all, the second half of a successful partnership. Ami Mizuno, a brilliant engineer of some minor renown and her partner had also been invited. I desperately needed to get my hands on technology they owned. I needed Setsuna, who had proven repeatedly that she could be very diplomatic when inspired. She hadn't had the opportunity to show of her diplomacy skills last night however, since our quarry hadn't made an appearance at the party. Feeling slightly guilty, at the waste of time and energy, I'd given in and we'd returned to my apartment. I'd also finally caught on to Setsu's mood and damned if I wasn't sharing in it too. We'd been mostly drunk by the time the count down was over. I hadn't thought too much of it while it was happening, but now looking back, I realized that a drinking binge on New Year's Eve wasn't exactly normal for either of us. Setsu didn't drink much in company, not even mine. "Another year of being alone and miserable, with nothing but dark memories," She'd whispered as we sat side by side on the couch watching an array of sappy pop stars ring in the new year on the television. It was then that I recognized the feeling for what it was, the feeling that had resulted in our present situation. It was a familiar feeling I recognized in myself, loneliness. All we'd ever really had was each other and while that had once been enough it was not nearly enough anymore. Now there was her biological clock and both our lack of companionship that was always an undercurrent of our complex relationship. "It's not as bad as all that," Setsu. I had mumbled, tossing my head back in a relaxed fashion. "Of course it is." It was amazing how cultured and calm she could sound after consuming all that liquor. Her voice took on a bitter note. "You know you'd think that after my father sold me for a whore life could only go up from there." "It did, or didn't you notice? Killing the bastard wasn't exactly fun for me. I can assure you this is much better." Everyday I was amazed I'd actually gotten away with it. I suppose the police hadn't done a thorough investigation on the drunken man they'd found lying dead in a gutter. No one was missing him anyway. Atsuhiko Meiou had been a bastard of the first order. He'd sold his fifteen- year-old daughter to pay off some gambling debts. I could still remember bashing him over the back of the head with a half filled bottle of cheap rum I'd shared with Setsuna after I'd helped her escape from the bastard who'd bought her. It was an event that had bonded us for life. "The money's great but this isn't exactly paradise," She'd stated simply. "It isn't?" "I know you can't help yourself but do try not to be so obnoxious." She'd said. "Ok." I hadn't been feeling particularly verbose at the time, a result of seemingly equal parts of liquor and blood in my body. The turn of the conversation was as unusual as it was depressing. "I am twenty-eight years old," she'd continued, "I have had a miserable life and I have never been in a serious relationship. I have never been able to open up to anyone besides you and right now the thought of facing another year alone isn't particularly appealing to me especially since right this very moment being alone is the last thing I want." "You're not alone," I'd said throwing an arm around her shoulder, as we both slumped together on the couch. "You know what I mean." "Yeah, I do." And I did. I knew it all too well. I'd certainly solved both our problems, I thought bitterly to myself, trying to decide if I'd taken advantage of her vulnerability or she of mine. She'd voiced feelings I'd always felt but never admitted. Still, despite last night, we'd still be alone. We couldn't survive a relationship together, at least not the kind of relationship we both wanted. I turned back to face the sunlight streaming through the windows. I pulled the blinds closed. I walked back over to the bed and sat down beside Setsuna looking down at her peaceful face. She stirred and I watched amusedly as her brows wrinkled and her eyes opened. She stuck her tongue out and swatted at her face like a kitten. There was hair in her mouth. She looked up at me even as I looked down at her, and groaned. "Hung over?" I questioned softly "Not really. I was just hoping I was dreaming." "Unfortunately, no." She rolled over; taking the sheets she had wrapped herself in with her. She stood up on the other side of the bed looking at him sitting comfortably on the other side of the bed. "Well you're taking this awfully well," she commented. "I've had some time to think about it," I replied. "And?" "And nothing. I woke up early without the luxury of a hangover to cloud my mind and I have thought about this and I'm no further in my thought processes than I was when I first started. I am calm however" "Then we're on the same level." She ran a finger through her thick, long, black hair. "What now?" "I don't know." I replied. "Does this change anything between us?" She asked calmly. "Do you want it to?" "Not particularly. I'm actually hoping we could forget any of this ever happened." "Is that even possible?" I asked even as I hoped for the same. "I don't know but I aim to try," she replied. "I couldn't possibly have been that bad!" I teased. "That was definitely not the problem and you know it. You were always more than confident in all your abilities." "There could be consequences," I said out loud even as I realized it. "I hadn't thought of it, but I suppose it's possible." I raised an eyebrow. Even for her, that was a remarkably calm reception to the idea of being pregnant with my child. "Well?" I questioned, wishing seriously to know what she'd think. I was running over a dozen possibilities in my mind but none of them made any sense. I reminded myself that it was an unlikely possibility so there was no need to worry. "It's very unlikely, but I have to say that I don't think I'd mind so much." She had the strangest reflective look on her face. I was shocked to say the least. I had never for a moment pictured Setsuna as a mother and certainly not the mother of my child. She had never been my image of a mother. I couldn't really imagine her changing diapers or nursing. It seemed so alien to her personality. "Don't look so shocked, she said. I'm beginning to think I might never have a normal long-term relationship with a guy. If I happen to be pregnant I'll get the one benefit of a relationship most guys wouldn't even agree to, without the tortures of having to date any of them." "I guess I never thought of you as a mother" I said, instantly regretting it. It wasn't exactly something you said to a woman. She didn't seem to be too insulted however. Logic rather than emotion ruled her life. I wondered if she saw herself as a mother when she looked into the mirror of the future. Maybe our visions were clouded by assumptions we'd made of each other and ourselves, assumptions that may have once been true but had ceased to be so as time passed. "I didn't use to either. I guess the older you get the more you think about these things. You know a lot of women are choosing to be single parents and have kids without the complications of a relationship. I wouldn't be that unusual. Besides I think I lucked out with a better set of genes than I could have at any sperm bank." She added trying to make light of a situation that was much too serious. "Setsu, if you had this baby, assuming there is a baby, you wouldn't exactly be a single parent. I would be the father of our child. What about our relationship then?" "I don't know," she replied. She seemed a bit confused and frustrated. "It's a lot to think about now. I want things to stay the same but I'm not even sure they can, if I turn out to be pregnant that is." "Just out of curiosity," I asked realizing something for the first time since we'd started the conversation "am I right in thinking that you want to have my baby?" "When you put it like that it sounds like I planned to get you into bed and tried to get myself pregnant." "Did you?" I was surprised by my own question. The possibility hadn't even occurred to me until the question left my lips. "No," she replied a little too quickly and determinedly. "Well maybe not consciously," she added, a little flustered. "Well I guess I had been thinking about it before but I was thinking more along the lines of asking you and even then it had just been a thought. It hadn't actually occurred to me to sleep with you until we were there sitting on the couch and I was such a mess last night and guess I somehow figured if something happened it would be ok and if it didn't well it would still be ok." She looked flustered and more than a little guilty. "Look, I'm really sorry, I guess I have been feeling more than a little lonely lately. It was selfish of me to put you into this position without even asking you but." her voice trailed off. I sighed. It was impossible for me to stay mad at her. I should be but I couldn't fault her for feelings I more than understood myself. "I understand Setsu. I don't exactly agree with your methods but I do understand them. "Mamoru?" She said so softly, almost a whisper. "Yes?" I felt almost weary and somewhat confused. "What would you have said if I'd asked?" Why did she have to ask that; the one question I wasn't sure I could answer. I just stared at her for a while, looking deeply into her eyes almost sure I could see a glimpse of the innocent girl she had once been. Was there anything I had ever denied her? "I don't think, I have ever denied you anything Setsu. It might have taken a while, but I think I would have said yes." Had I not seen with my own eyes, I wouldn't have been sure it was true. A tear ran down her cheek. I don't think she had cried in over ten years, not that I had seen anyway. "If I'm not pregnant, will you still say yes if I ask you again?" I paused. This meant a lot to her, almost everything. "Yes." **************************************************************************** *******
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Go ยป
I don't do disclaimers anymore because 1.) I'm broke 2.) No one would dare sue me 3.) That would be a waste of energy.
1/24/03 - I made a few corrections nothing major. I simply reread this chapter and decided that I didn't like the way it read so i fixed it. I may decide to do the same with later chapters but that's it for now.
I stared out the window of my penthouse apartment, watching as the sun rose brilliantly over the surrounding high-rise buildings. It was almost too bright to look at but my eyes were focused on nothing and never cleared for a moment to appreciate the brilliant display of nature before me. I was occupied with thoughts of an entirely different nature. Hindsight is twenty-twenty and looking back now, last night had been a mistake, an enormous one. Last night I crossed a line that shouldn't have even been toed. Today would have me replaying the event and undoubtedly paying the price for my error. I thought, for a moment, to blame it on the alcohol we'd both consumed but that was insulting to both our prides, intelligence, and constitution. If nothing else, we were more than capable of holding our liquor. The liquor had helped of course. It had clouded our thoughts and created a murky, chaotic disarray of our emotions. There has always been something about Flor de Cana rum that attracted us both, and after downing the greater part of a bottle we'd easily consented to solving the issue of our unremitting, but suddenly overwhelming, loneliness in each other. It had been, quite simply, a bad idea, one born of desperation, impatience and long forgotten desire. Now, when the dark secret pleasures of the night had passed, we had the day to face and harsh daylight was rarely ever forgiving. I turned my back on the fast arriving daylight and leaned against the thick, wide, glass window without concern to the hard asphalt more than twenty-five stories below. She would have glared at me had she been awake to see me do this, instead of lying nestled comfortably between my sheets. I often did it just to annoy her since she seemed determined to pass her fear of heights on to me. She would never admit to her fear however. She wouldn't admit to a weakness of any kind. I glanced over at her sleeping form. Her presence here like this disrupted my normal indifference to the things that made this room the luxurious but impersonal place that it was. I looked around my bedroom as if seeing it for the first time. The room, much like the rest of my apartment, was a monument to the success I had gained, an empty trophy with no life within its walls. From the lush carpet, to the twilight-blue walls, and the enormous black lacquered Italian wood bed covered in fine black Egyptian cotton sheets, everything reeked of expense. It wasn't all that different from her own apartment, only a few city blocks away. We'd had the same real estate agent. Her own rooms were decorated with pale green walls and large plants that gave it an almost tropical feel; the set up was much the same and so were our tastes. She always reminded me of some kind of exotic, mysterious, princess. She seemed perfectly set in the environment of her own place, with it's exotic flavor, but I suspected she preferred the familiarity of mine, since she spent so much time here. I think my doorman believes she lives here. No matter where we were though, at times I was almost certain wherever she was, was home. Her presence in my apartment, in my bed, wasn't unusual but today she seemed alien to me. Undoubtedly that was because all those other times she had been dressed and mostly awake, lounging comfortable in her second home. She was my partner, my best friend, at times almost like a sister. She certainly tried to boss me around enough, telling me what to wear and what to eat as well as a variety of other interferences. She specified exactly what to get her for her birthday, for Christmas; she wouldn't want me making a terrible mistake by trying to choose something on my own. The sight of her wrapped up in my sheets, her long hair, a thick mess, tangled over her bare arms, was an entirely different image, one I hadn't even dared to fantasize about for longer than I could remember, although more than half the men I knew certainly had. Staring at her in my bed, for a moment I wondered why I'd never considered a relationship with her. I'd always known the answer to that though. It hadn't been for lack of attraction; there had been that once, a long time ago. That had been something we'd learned to ignore once we'd gotten to know each other and recognized our personality conflicts. We were far too much alike. We were similar in so many ways especially in personality and character. It was fortunate we agreed on many things because compromising wasn't a part of either of our personalities. It was what allowed us to be great business partners. One of the secretaries in the office had once referred to her as a cold bitch. It was an insult that was almost faultless. Setsu was as demanding as she was unemotional. I was almost certain that I was the only one to have seen her exhibit any type of vivid emotion; emotions so similar to my own, with their dark passionate undercurrents barely noticeable. There have been times where I was almost sure I'd felt them myself. We shared intimate emotions with no one else but each other and most often without words, offering only the comfort of our silent presence. Last night had been one of those rare moments when we'd both let down the walls we'd built - as much to block out the rest of the world, as to protect our own feelings - and allowed ourselves to delve into the overwhelming emotions we had held back for so long. We were both angry at the world. It was anger as much built on fear as it was an integral part of our personas. It was anger that had, in our younger years seemed so overwhelming it had threatened to consume us. It was the same anger that fueled our success and made us fiercely determined to conquer the past. We were both determined to conquer with our wills, the world, and whatever unjust fate, had started us off in life with such dark beginnings. It had been so long since either of us had truly thought about our dark past. It wasn't something that came up in our everyday lives of luxury, a result of the success we'd both achieved. Something about last night had us both thinking of the past however. Of course it could have been just another of Setsuna's binges, one I'd gladly joined, not for a moment recognizing it for what it might have been. Ever since we were young, struggling together to make it against every obstacle in our path, we'd recognized a self-destructive dark side in each other. Now we were in business together and in many ways things hadn't changed, except we never mentioned the struggles we had faced so many years ago. I knew she thought about it though. She didn't want to, but she did, and ever so often it sent her a bit over the edge. Every once in a while Setsuna would shut herself off from the world and drown herself in excessive amounts of liquor. It was a strange habit that had begun when she'd been only sixteen. Of course she had graduated from the cheap harsh liquor she had been able to afford then, to the South American Flor De Cana, flavorful Jamaican Appleton rums and Macallan scotch. She wasn't by any means an alcoholic; it was just her way. She always called and I'd always come just in time to pick up her limp body from the floor of whatever hotel room she happened to be lying in, take her back to my apartment and put her to bed, lying beside her until she woke up in some semblance of sobriety for another few months. Last night hadn't been the result of one of her binges, however; not entirely anyway. I suspect now, looking back, that it could have been the start of one; one I had interrupted. There had been a party, one I had insisted we attend, despite her wishes to stay at home. The New Years Party was obviously the catharsis for last night's events. I should have been more sensitive to her mood, but determining Setsu's emotion's had always been somewhat difficult. She had been a bit more stoic and colder than usual. Her dark green eyes had held a glint of impatience only I could recognize, but somehow managed to ignore. I had, for a change, been the one doing the convincing. I'd wanted to attempt some casual business during the party and having her there was important. She was, after all, the second half of a successful partnership. Ami Mizuno, a brilliant engineer of some minor renown and her partner had also been invited. I desperately needed to get my hands on technology they owned. I needed Setsuna, who had proven repeatedly that she could be very diplomatic when inspired. She hadn't had the opportunity to show of her diplomacy skills last night however, since our quarry hadn't made an appearance at the party. Feeling slightly guilty, at the waste of time and energy, I'd given in and we'd returned to my apartment. I'd also finally caught on to Setsu's mood and damned if I wasn't sharing in it too. We'd been mostly drunk by the time the count down was over. I hadn't thought too much of it while it was happening, but now looking back, I realized that a drinking binge on New Year's Eve wasn't exactly normal for either of us. Setsu didn't drink much in company, not even mine. "Another year of being alone and miserable, with nothing but dark memories," She'd whispered as we sat side by side on the couch watching an array of sappy pop stars ring in the new year on the television. It was then that I recognized the feeling for what it was, the feeling that had resulted in our present situation. It was a familiar feeling I recognized in myself, loneliness. All we'd ever really had was each other and while that had once been enough it was not nearly enough anymore. Now there was her biological clock and both our lack of companionship that was always an undercurrent of our complex relationship. "It's not as bad as all that," Setsu. I had mumbled, tossing my head back in a relaxed fashion. "Of course it is." It was amazing how cultured and calm she could sound after consuming all that liquor. Her voice took on a bitter note. "You know you'd think that after my father sold me for a whore life could only go up from there." "It did, or didn't you notice? Killing the bastard wasn't exactly fun for me. I can assure you this is much better." Everyday I was amazed I'd actually gotten away with it. I suppose the police hadn't done a thorough investigation on the drunken man they'd found lying dead in a gutter. No one was missing him anyway. Atsuhiko Meiou had been a bastard of the first order. He'd sold his fifteen- year-old daughter to pay off some gambling debts. I could still remember bashing him over the back of the head with a half filled bottle of cheap rum I'd shared with Setsuna after I'd helped her escape from the bastard who'd bought her. It was an event that had bonded us for life. "The money's great but this isn't exactly paradise," She'd stated simply. "It isn't?" "I know you can't help yourself but do try not to be so obnoxious." She'd said. "Ok." I hadn't been feeling particularly verbose at the time, a result of seemingly equal parts of liquor and blood in my body. The turn of the conversation was as unusual as it was depressing. "I am twenty-eight years old," she'd continued, "I have had a miserable life and I have never been in a serious relationship. I have never been able to open up to anyone besides you and right now the thought of facing another year alone isn't particularly appealing to me especially since right this very moment being alone is the last thing I want." "You're not alone," I'd said throwing an arm around her shoulder, as we both slumped together on the couch. "You know what I mean." "Yeah, I do." And I did. I knew it all too well. I'd certainly solved both our problems, I thought bitterly to myself, trying to decide if I'd taken advantage of her vulnerability or she of mine. She'd voiced feelings I'd always felt but never admitted. Still, despite last night, we'd still be alone. We couldn't survive a relationship together, at least not the kind of relationship we both wanted. I turned back to face the sunlight streaming through the windows. I pulled the blinds closed. I walked back over to the bed and sat down beside Setsuna looking down at her peaceful face. She stirred and I watched amusedly as her brows wrinkled and her eyes opened. She stuck her tongue out and swatted at her face like a kitten. There was hair in her mouth. She looked up at me even as I looked down at her, and groaned. "Hung over?" I questioned softly "Not really. I was just hoping I was dreaming." "Unfortunately, no." She rolled over; taking the sheets she had wrapped herself in with her. She stood up on the other side of the bed looking at him sitting comfortably on the other side of the bed. "Well you're taking this awfully well," she commented. "I've had some time to think about it," I replied. "And?" "And nothing. I woke up early without the luxury of a hangover to cloud my mind and I have thought about this and I'm no further in my thought processes than I was when I first started. I am calm however" "Then we're on the same level." She ran a finger through her thick, long, black hair. "What now?" "I don't know." I replied. "Does this change anything between us?" She asked calmly. "Do you want it to?" "Not particularly. I'm actually hoping we could forget any of this ever happened." "Is that even possible?" I asked even as I hoped for the same. "I don't know but I aim to try," she replied. "I couldn't possibly have been that bad!" I teased. "That was definitely not the problem and you know it. You were always more than confident in all your abilities." "There could be consequences," I said out loud even as I realized it. "I hadn't thought of it, but I suppose it's possible." I raised an eyebrow. Even for her, that was a remarkably calm reception to the idea of being pregnant with my child. "Well?" I questioned, wishing seriously to know what she'd think. I was running over a dozen possibilities in my mind but none of them made any sense. I reminded myself that it was an unlikely possibility so there was no need to worry. "It's very unlikely, but I have to say that I don't think I'd mind so much." She had the strangest reflective look on her face. I was shocked to say the least. I had never for a moment pictured Setsuna as a mother and certainly not the mother of my child. She had never been my image of a mother. I couldn't really imagine her changing diapers or nursing. It seemed so alien to her personality. "Don't look so shocked, she said. I'm beginning to think I might never have a normal long-term relationship with a guy. If I happen to be pregnant I'll get the one benefit of a relationship most guys wouldn't even agree to, without the tortures of having to date any of them." "I guess I never thought of you as a mother" I said, instantly regretting it. It wasn't exactly something you said to a woman. She didn't seem to be too insulted however. Logic rather than emotion ruled her life. I wondered if she saw herself as a mother when she looked into the mirror of the future. Maybe our visions were clouded by assumptions we'd made of each other and ourselves, assumptions that may have once been true but had ceased to be so as time passed. "I didn't use to either. I guess the older you get the more you think about these things. You know a lot of women are choosing to be single parents and have kids without the complications of a relationship. I wouldn't be that unusual. Besides I think I lucked out with a better set of genes than I could have at any sperm bank." She added trying to make light of a situation that was much too serious. "Setsu, if you had this baby, assuming there is a baby, you wouldn't exactly be a single parent. I would be the father of our child. What about our relationship then?" "I don't know," she replied. She seemed a bit confused and frustrated. "It's a lot to think about now. I want things to stay the same but I'm not even sure they can, if I turn out to be pregnant that is." "Just out of curiosity," I asked realizing something for the first time since we'd started the conversation "am I right in thinking that you want to have my baby?" "When you put it like that it sounds like I planned to get you into bed and tried to get myself pregnant." "Did you?" I was surprised by my own question. The possibility hadn't even occurred to me until the question left my lips. "No," she replied a little too quickly and determinedly. "Well maybe not consciously," she added, a little flustered. "Well I guess I had been thinking about it before but I was thinking more along the lines of asking you and even then it had just been a thought. It hadn't actually occurred to me to sleep with you until we were there sitting on the couch and I was such a mess last night and guess I somehow figured if something happened it would be ok and if it didn't well it would still be ok." She looked flustered and more than a little guilty. "Look, I'm really sorry, I guess I have been feeling more than a little lonely lately. It was selfish of me to put you into this position without even asking you but." her voice trailed off. I sighed. It was impossible for me to stay mad at her. I should be but I couldn't fault her for feelings I more than understood myself. "I understand Setsu. I don't exactly agree with your methods but I do understand them. "Mamoru?" She said so softly, almost a whisper. "Yes?" I felt almost weary and somewhat confused. "What would you have said if I'd asked?" Why did she have to ask that; the one question I wasn't sure I could answer. I just stared at her for a while, looking deeply into her eyes almost sure I could see a glimpse of the innocent girl she had once been. Was there anything I had ever denied her? "I don't think, I have ever denied you anything Setsu. It might have taken a while, but I think I would have said yes." Had I not seen with my own eyes, I wouldn't have been sure it was true. A tear ran down her cheek. I don't think she had cried in over ten years, not that I had seen anyway. "If I'm not pregnant, will you still say yes if I ask you again?" I paused. This meant a lot to her, almost everything. "Yes." **************************************************************************** *******
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