(11-28-04) Shadow explains this story's existence in the first long-ish paragraph... So just read that so I don't have to repeat her.
(12-3) Oh, isn't this newdocument export thing just nifty? I fixed a couple of the errors... Yay!
CHAPTER ONE
Forbidden? Forsaken? What?!
The room was dark and empty. Until a door opened and in danced a happy, stupid Shadow. But then the door closed again. A spotlight shone on the girl and she grinned.
"Hello everyone!"
Crickets chirped as she waited for a response. After a minute, not in the least ruffled by the silence, she continued.
"Okay, Authoress Shadow has given me a great commandment! While she writes a painfully long, psychotic story that probably isn't worth the effort she isn't exerting, Eclipse and I are to conduct interviews of the Reikai Tantei. She is all too aware, of course, that everybody else has already used this idea and she's a bit behind on the game, but she doesn't care because she said she just needs something to keep people from forgetting her existence while she doesn't post anything, and she has confidence that I can conduct them in an amusing, interesting way. She says that's how I do everything else... I dunno what she means by that... Anyway, with me in charge and my faithful companion Eclipse running video and audio for these important interviews, we intend to explore where no one has gone before! Into the deepest darkest depths of the Reikai Tantei's minds! Do you think the public is ready for what we may discover? I don't, but they're gonna have to deal with it, because it's their fault they're reading this! So, once Eclipse arrives, we'll go hunting for our first victim!"
The door across the room opened and light flooded in.
"Who turned out the lights?!" came Eclipse's voice.
"Don't turn them--"
Click.
"AHHH! I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING, OH DEAR GOD IT'S UNBEARABLE!" Shadow wailed, falling to her knees.
"I got the video camera," Eclipse said dryly, watching her friend writhe and twitch on the ground. Shadow jumped up instantly.
"Well let's go, then!"
The girls ran out and slid into the hall in stocking feet. Shadow slammed into the opposite wall and fell over. She jumped up, shouting "Hold still!", and snapped her fingers. Both girls were instantly in more business-like outfits and looked really quite impressive. Like maybe they were... important or something. Shadow even had her hair tied up in a bun and little spectacles on her nose. She positioned these, pulled out a mirror, and looked at herself.
"A bit too strict, wouldn't you say?"
"Yeah, a bit. What about me?"
"You look absolutely retarded. I can fix that, though!" She grinned. "Authoress Shadow lent me some powers." She snapped her fingers again and both of them were in slightly less strict--but still formal--business outfits. Deciding they were still too formal, Shadow snapped her fingers and they were wearing blue jeans and too-big black t-shirts.
"Marvelous," Shadow said, admiring herself. Then she tilted the mirror slightly so she could see down the hall behind her. "Ahhh, fantastic! We just found our first victim! Go!" She spun and tore down the hall towards Yusuke, who'd innocently been coming to ask her where she kept the salt in this house.
"Hey Shadow, wh-- What are you doing?"
"Interviews, by the commandment of Great Authoress Shadow." She pulled a paper out of her pocket and unfolded it to hold centimeters in front of Yusuke's face. He recoiled and stared at it. "It's a signed order from Authoress Shadow herself. Dare defy it and I have permission to kick you where it counts. Says so in the fine print." She folded the paper back up and stuffed it into her pocket.
"Who is 'Authoress Shadow'? Another one of your psychotic personalities?"
"Noooo! Authoress Shadow! Oh, that's right, you're just a measly anime character, forgot about that. She has no special affinities for you so you wouldn't know her. Great Authoress Shadow is the creator of fanfics and many things amusing! You must respect her wishes! So here goes." Shadow then grabbed Yusuke and carried him down the hall to a room empty of everything but a curtained window, a small table, and two chairs on either side of it. "Sit."
When Shadow put him down, Yusuke obeyed. It was really quite pointless not to, since Eclipse was in front of the closed door, and when two half-demon girls have their mind set on something that is not obviously harmful to your health, just go along with them. Wise advice, kids.
"Of course, I do have some individuality," Shadow muttered to herself, looking at another sheet of paper with a contemplating gaze, "and therefore, these rules are not to be obeyed."
"What rules?"
"The ones that say I'm fully responsible for any injury--physical, mental, or emotional--that you may, and probably will, sustain during this excursion and that I'm supposed to tell you that and have you sign a paper agreeing to it. Authoress Shadow does not have her hands in this one as much as others! She's busy! She says she still needs you for the fic she's writing, so if I cause problems, I'm supposed to fix them, but if that's not written, I can't be held to it! Hahahahahaha!"
"What? Give me that!" Yusuke yelped, snatching for the paper. He hadn't liked the sound of that. Shadow jerked it out of his reach and pulled an ashtray out of her pocket, which she set the paper in and quickly set it on fire. Yusuke watched his hope for survival turn into ashes.
"I never even agreed to do this," he whined.
"It doesn't matter. I won't kill you, Yusuke! I just want to ask some questions!"
"What happened to the 'any injury that you may and probably will sustain' thing then?!"
"C'mon, tough guy! You've defeated full-fledged demons! You beat Hiei! Don't tell me you're scared of a scrawny half-breed girl!"
"Well when you put it like that..." Yusuke muttered, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "I guess I can deal with it."
"That a boy!" Shadow snapped her fingers and the two chairs--previously both rather nice antique imitations with cushions on the seats--turned into a recliner for Shadow and a small, rickety child's chair for Yusuke, which he shortly got stuck in, then broke.
"What's the deal!?"
"I'M THE ONE ASKING QUESTIONS!"
"Yes ma'am!" the boy yelped before he could stop himself.
"Now, my first question... On the topic of your career: What was your first thought when you realized you were really dead?"
"Which time?"
"THE FIRST TIME, DOLT!"
"Oh. That would have to have been... 'OH MY GOD, I'M DEAD!' Then Botan showed up."
"We won't go into that. Now, when you became a Reikai Tantei and caught your first glimpse of a demon, a real demon, what were your thoughts?"
"'Man he's ugly'?"
Shadow's eyes narrowed. "My memory does not serve me. It wasn't Hiei, was it?"
"No, but he was pretty ugly first time I saw him, too. I got used to it, though."
"WHAT?"
"Well you've got to admit that when somebody has just kidnapped your girlfriend and you find him in an abandoned warehouse with a sword almost as big as he is, several dozen brainwashed humans, and a big glowing pimple on his forehead, you're bound to think he's weird looking."
"That's not what you said. You said he was ugly."
"Ugly, weird, what's the difference! Why are you getting so defensive?"
"I'm not," she answered quickly, her eyes darting around anywhere but Yusuke's accusing glare.
"Yeah, I bet."
"I'M NOT! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH A HEINOUS THING!"
"What, I accused you of getting defensive cuz I said your lover's ugly and--"
"And he's not my lover. WE ARE CONTINUING WITH THE INTERVIEW!"
Horns and dragon wings appeared on Shadow, and an aura of fire appeared around her as she stood threateningly above Yusuke. He shrunk back.
"Yes ma'am!"
"Good!" she chirped, and all hellish things vanished. She settled back in her seat. "So, how did you feel when you defeated Toguro?"
"Isn't that skipping a bit?"
"NO! HOW DID YOU FEEL?!"
"Like shit! Sure, I'd just beat the guy, but I thought Kuwabara was dead, and it's not like I'd easily won without getting hurt myself! So I was injured and angry and upset and... Okay?"
"Yes, very good. Are you getting this all, Eclipse?"
"Yes. I've been recording since you found Yusuke."
"Oh good! Full coverage is the best. Now, Mr. Urameshi, I'm going to skip a bit. How did you feel when you found out you were half demon. Really?"
"I don't know! Surprised, I guess..."
"Okay, good enough! Now onto politics! What are your feelings on gay rights?"
"What?"
"GAY RIGHTS! Should gays be allowed to marry, or do you think it's wrong and gross and ew-like?"
"I've met my share of gays--" Shadow coughed, and it sounded oddly like 'Karasu.' Yusuke ignored her and continued. "--and I'd have to say that gays should not be allowed to marry."
"YOU, SICK, JUDGMENTAL, PREJUDICED CHILD! HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL! YOU THINK IT'S OKAY TO DEPRIVE SOMEBODY OF THEIR ONE TRUE LOVE! SO WHAT IF THEY'RE GAY! OH, CRUEL WORLD, MY FRIENDS ARE PREJUDICED BASTARDS!" She cried fakely for a bit until abruptly looking up with a smile. "Moving right along. How do you feel on the subject of homeland security? Is Japan a safe place?"
"Of course it is, with me protecting it!"
"Ha! You just protect it from demons. What about terrorists, and George Bush?"
"Who?"
"The President of the United States! He's an asshole and for all we know, Japan will be the next country he'll start ravaging for nuclear weapons, because the Japanese created all those video games dealing with anything violent! Oh God, it's terrible, isn't it? So is Japan safe?"
"I don't know..."
"YES OR NO!"
"NO!"
"THANK YOU! On the issue of orphans! Would you build a machine and use pieces of a forsaken child to power it?"
"Forsaken child? Isn't that like what Hiei is?"
"No, no, no, Hiei is a Forbidden Child. Now answer my question."
"Aren't 'forbidden' and 'forsaken' the same thing?"
"No! Shut up and answer my question!"
"But--"
"SHUT UP! I'LL GET A DICTIONARY!" Shadow snapped her fingers and an open dictionary appeared in her hand. "FORBIDDEN! FORBIDDING/FORBID: TO COMMAND A PERSON NOT TO DO SOMETHING! FORSAKEN! OOOOoohhh, fornication... Huh? Oh, right, no, here: FORSAKEN! TO RENOUNCE OR RELINQUISH! TO ABANDON! See, there's differences!"
"It depends on the context."
"Eclipse! What do you think?"
"I think Yusuke should answer your question about powering machines with the blood and body parts of forsaken children."
"There ya go! Answer!"
"Could you repeat the question?"
"Would you build a machine and use pieces of and/or blood from a forsaken child to power it?"
"No I would not, Shadow."
"Thank you. On the issue of pornography: Should porn be sold to little boys?"
"Erm... Well if you don't sell it, they'll steal it, so--"
"Do you admit to ever having stolen pornography?"
"Me? I would ne--"
"You're under oath, you know."
"What?"
"If you lie, I can throw you in with the weasels."
"You wouldn't." Shadow glared. "You would. I admit that yes I did, then."
"Oh, marvelous! Thank you. Now onto the subjects of love. How do you really feel about Keiko?"
"I--... You aren't gonna show her this, are you?"
"If she asks to see it. But I'm not gonna go dancing over to her house and say, 'Hey, Keiko, Yusuke told me some stuff about you two and I taped it, wanna see?'"
"Okay, then... I love her."
"Oh, marvelous, marvelous! Love is always a good seller. People like love. Have you ever had serious thoughts about furthering your relationship, past whatever stage it's at now?"
"Is that really any of your business?"
"Just how far have you gone with Keiko?"
"Not--"
"Are there gonna be baby Yusukes running around shooting baby spirit guns at me?! HUH? HUH?" She slammed her fists on the table and got right up in Yusuke's face. "I NEED TO KNOW!"
"NO!!!" Yusuke shouted. Shadow went spiralling through the air like a balloon when you let the air out of it. "I have not had sex with Keiko!"
"Oh." Shadow jumped up. "Well that sure is good to know." She walked over and sat back down, pulled another paper out of her pocket, and looked it over.
"I think that covers it. Can you think of any other questions for the boy, Eclipse?"
"No, I couldn't say as that I can," Eclipse replied professionally.
"Well, then, Yusuke, what do you say to the fans at home?" She gestured to the video camera.
"Um... Hi?"
Shadow groaned and hit herself in the head. "Good enough. You're a dunce, Yusuke, and I never want to interview you again. Show him the door, Eclipse."
The said girl aimed the camera at the door, then pointed and said, "There's the door, Yusuke. Isn't it beautiful?"
"NO, FOOL!" Shadow groaned. "Must I do everything around here?" she asked melodramatically. She got up and took Yusuke's arm. "It was absolutely terrific to have you with us today, Yusuke. I hope you can come back sometime soon. But for now, let's have a round of applause for your departure."
Eclipse started clapping and Shadow booted Yusuke out the door. Literally. He slammed into Kuwabara as he passed by conveniently.
"Oh! Next victim! Keep the tape rolling, Eclipse!" Shadow grabbed Kuwabara and yanked him into the room.
See? An interview story in non-script format. Yay. If you have suggestions for questions for Kuwabara, you can tell me if you want. I'm sure I can think of enough to write a chapter... I hope there weren't any errors, though I proof read it, so there shouldn't be...
Ah yes, and the George Bush thing, don't take offense at that if you support the guy. Shadow's just a little... I dunno. A little eccentric? Or whatever?