Disclaimer: I own nothing, of course. All belongs to J.K. Rowling, etc. I make no money, nor steal rights. At least, I hope not.
Acknowledgments: I would have to acknowledge every writer who contributes to SS/HG fiction, as I am inspired by all stories I read. Forgive me for any coincidences in these stories, they were not intentional, I assure you. Also, story title inspired by the Azure Ray song, Sea of Doubts. And a steady thank you to my beta, snarkyroxy, who continues to beta for me even though she forgot me over the period of a year, hehe!
Warnings: Character Death, possible torture.
Rating: R
"Professor."
"Professor…" drawled one of the most grating voices Snape had ever heard from behind him. And Merlin, how he hated when she addressed him that way.
"Bella," he responded emotionlessly. He saw her smile wickedly as she came to her spot beside him. Her smile faltered as she began coughing, which led to dry heaving before Emeline Carrow to her right patted her on the back. Snape sneered.
Bellatrix Lestrange had once been the definition of beauty. Though pale, she had the exotic dark hair and eyes that harkened one to the stereotypical image of a Muggle witch of literature; Bellatrix was like the living incarnation of Freya. Her thick, dark eyelashes had once even beckoned Severus to take a minute or two more to look at her… but no more was Bellatrix the attractive young Slytherin. No, now Bellatrix's good looks were slowly fading away… along with her life.
Bellatrix Lestrange was dying.
It was essentially known by all of Voldemort's inner circle that Bellatrix's doom was imminent, but none made mention of it. Death Eaters were not the type to bring a witch chicken soup and insist she stay off her feet. Bellatrix was either unaware of the extent of her waning condition, or she was choosing to ignore it.
Snape almost sighed. She was martyring herself for a cause that would succeed just as much as the last Dark wizard's… he was no fool; he knew that if Voldemort should ever fall, the next evil mind with enough power and influence to take up the cause would be a long time in coming.
Bellatrix had been one of the most prominent figures in the revels, in the Death Eater's heyday of the 1970's and early 80's. Lucius was the only other Death Eater who might serve as the crazed witch's competition in revelry. Her promiscuity and use of substances had been legend among the Death Eater's, but the years of abuse on her body had taken its toll, as evident in her currently thin and weak body.
Snape could not wait until she died.
The meeting carried on as usual. Instructions were delegated, a homeless Muggle was used to demonstrate a new technique Avery had discovered in magical amputation, and reports were given. Soon enough, the meeting adjourned, and Voldemort gradually dismissed the witches and wizards. Eventually, it was only Avery and Snape, the Dark Lord's "finest" men. Voldemort stared both of them down, red eyes meeting the empty sockets of silver masks.
"Avery, you may go." The man bowed, and quickly Disapparated. The first to follow Voldemort, Avery was not subject to the mindless praising most Death Eaters gave the Dark Lord upon his or her exit.
"Severus."
"Yes, my Lord?" Snape answered calmly, bowing as he spoke.
"You've seemed distracted."
Distracted? Snape's body ran cold. A spy does not get distracted. Had he mistakenly said or done something? Snape waited, maintaining his even breathing.
"I understand that, of all of my followers, you are at the most risk," Voldemort said, not unkindly.
"My Lord, I assure you, I am fine. There are many more within the Ministry and other positions who are more at risk…"
"Severus! That was always the way with you. Always so much on your shoulders, never showing any signs of weakness… you are around… Dumbledore… of all wizards, daily. That is most certainly a trial in its own…" Voldemort looked at a point in the distance as he said these words. Snape thought the "man" had almost forgotten about him before Voldemort slowly got up and came behind him.
Bone-like fingers clawed their way onto his back, as Voldemort clenched Snape's shoulder.
"We cannot have distraction cost us an ounce of what I've attained. Make sure that whatever is distracting you is taken care of." Voldemort made sure to punctuate the last three words with significant pauses.
Snape nodded and responded with a forceful, "Yes, my lord."
Nodding in satisfaction, Voldemort flicked his wand, beginning the fire that would incinerate the small Muggle cottage they had taken over for the night. "You are dismissed."
"Thank you, my lord." Snape answered before Disapparating, just catching a glance of the joy that spread over Voldemort's face as the Muggle kitchen burst into flames.
"Professor."
Snape glided into the Hogwarts infirmary when he returned late that night. Ever since his spying had begun, Madame Pomfrey had insisted he come to her following every Death Eater gathering. Snape always followed through to please the meddling woman, who was under the impression that he received torture at every meeting. Of course he wasn't put under the Cruciatus… that would arouse unneeded attention from Dumbledore and countless others. Nevertheless, Snape needlessly went to Pomfrey; he fancied the slight strawberry flavor of the Dr Ubbly's Oblivious Unction that she insisted he take along with countless other potions. It was a commercial product, and that was the first strike against it. No credited Potions master had ever made it, and it had absolutely no affect on the Potions master taking it now. Nevertheless, Snape did like his strawberries.
After his usual "Pomfrey Pampering," Snape left the infirmary and made his way to the dungeons. He thought the time was roughly around two in the morning.
"Professor."
Whipping around suddenly, wand out, Snape snarled. A student, obviously out past curfew, had the nerve to beckon him? Realizing how close he was to the Slytherin common room, he relaxed a little. Was it perhaps a younger Slytherin in distress?
"Come out," Snape commanded. He glanced at various objects in the corridor behind which a student could be hiding.
No one came forward.
"Is it really necessary to continue hiding? I'd have deducted points by now." Snape hated being remotely kind to anyone, let alone a student, and was considering deducting points regardless of what he had just said.
Snape began moving forward slowly, not making a sound on the stone floor.
"This is your last warning."
He made to walk in the direction the voice came from, when it hit him…
He hadn't heard the voice come from any particular direction. It was that voice again.
Leaning against the cold stone wall behind him, Snape pressed his palm to his forehead, closing his eyes.
What was happening to him?
"Professor."
Snape paced the library after hours the next night. He had just perused countless books on anything to do with voices. Voices with no owner, voices from invisible ghosts, and voices from permanently Transfigured witches and wizards… but there was still very little, in any book, on voices in one's mind. Snape almost laughed. Weren't he and Potter just living a double life? He remembered, following the fiasco of the dueling club in the boy's second year, how Harry had discovered he was a Parselmouth. He remembered, quickly following the Golden Trio after the duel, overhearing Potter being told that hearing voices in the Wizarding world wasn't common. Who had told the boy that? Oh, of course…
Clearing his throat and shaking his head slightly, Snape set his lithe hands down on one of the worn, wooden tables and thought hard. What could be the source of that voice? He had found nothing, even in the restricted section! For a library with thousands of texts, he thought, Hogwarts was still sorely lacking when it came to some topics. Not that any of the idiotic students read beyond what they were required for. No one had since she had died…
Snape pulled out a chair and sat down, heavily. He had considered Dumbledore. Dumbledore was the only person he felt he could tell… but after the chastisement for taking away House points weeks earlier, Snape had progressively resented the man. What would Albus say if he knew about his spy hearing voices? Take him off the job? Make him take a sabbatical? Think it was an excuse for taking off excessive House points? The man was thoroughly predictable.
Snape put his head in his hands. There was one other person he considered seeking…
"Professor."
Once again, in the earliest hours of the morning, Snape was awake. He was sitting at the polished wooden desk in his private rooms, his quill poised above a fresh piece of parchment, his other hand stroking newly formed stubble. He was thinking of what to say… what to say to Remus Lupin…
Lupin had not said a single word to Snape since the incident. Oh, how Lupin had prized the student while he was a teacher, and even afterwards. She was like his counterpart… the Marauder's equivalent in the Golden Trio. The smart, sensible, and "kind" student. Those bloody Marauders were always trying to relive their halcyon days, even if vicariously. Now there were only two Marauders, he thought, and tried to ignore the dryness of his throat as he realized that there were now only two in the "Trio"…
"Professor."
Why did he have to tell anyone? he thought angrily. He had been able to take care of himself, both physically and mentally, for years. Why was he so keen on telling anyone about the voice in his head? What was he looking for from other people? Advice? Someone to "vent" at? He was not one to reveal anything to anyone, let alone any emotions or misgivings he had about himself. Throwing the quill aside, he leaned back in his chair. This was not as large a problem as he was making it out to be. The voice would subside, just as his guilt would. The guilt always did subside. Besides, he thought, how could he even consider contacting Lupin about the voice? He knew why the werewolf had taken Herm… her… death so hard. It had been the circumstances.
Closing his eyes, Snape remembered the night that Lupin had been captured, so many years ago; the night he received the scars that adorned his face to this very day. Many who knew of Lupin and his condition thought the blemishes were a result of the very plague he suffered… that the scars were a result of a particularly vicious transformation, or even the result of a fight with animals while transformed. Only a select few knew the real cause.
Lupin had been caught only scant hours after the Potters' demise. The last great revel, Snape thought ruefully. The young man had been caught and bound, various magicked blades slashed across his skin by several Death Eaters, each taunting Lupin to lash out at them, to bite them, to show them just how strong a werewolf was. Snape remembered how defeated Remus had looked, and then how determined he had become after being told that the Potters had been killed. No, he had shouted, the blood dripping down his face and neck. The Potters were not dead, no one knew where they were; not even he. Snape remembered when the Death Eaters had left him for dead, cackling at how Lupin remained so sure that the Potters' were alive. Rescuing the man, Snape had revealed his spying to Lupin - that he too was part of the Order. Lupin had trusted him instantly. Lupin's trust had not wavered since that day, which was why Snape had considered contacting the wizard about his current… problem.
But no, Lupin had hated Snape since the death of the girl. Lupin had witnessed the atrocities of a revel, had been prone to one… to imagine that he had survived one, but such a cherished witch as she had not… Every Order member knew how Lupin had reacted. Remus wished he had died instead of the girl, wished that such a waste of pure talent and humanity had not occurred. Snape was fairly certain the man still hated him now.
By this point in his thinking, Snape was leaning over the desk. His eyes stared at the blank parchment, his large nose inhaling the fresh scent. He could still remember the young witch's first year, when she had breathed in the scent of her fresh parchment in his class, and the bright, toothy smile that followed.
"Severus."
Snape froze.
The voice. The voice had just addressed him by his given name. Before, he had thought he had been going mad; the repetitiveness of the voice had been his biggest clue that he was indeed going insane. But no, no! He could not have imagined the voice changing in such a way!
As if recognizing that the tense Potions master had come to his realization, the voice called again, more insistently.
"Severus!"
Snape's eyes grew wide. It all made sense. The voice, the voice… he knew the voice. This was not a figment of his mind, this was not his guilt, this was…
"Hermione."
Note: Some sidenotes on this chapter:
Emeline Carrow is a female Death Eater I kind of pulled out of canon. Snape mentions the Carrows at one point in the books, so I kind of fished out my own character. Emeline is a derivation of aemulus in Latin, which essentially means "rival," a name I found fitting for a Death Eater. Also, Freya, or Freyja, who is used as a comparison to Bellatrix, is the Norse goddess of fertility, beauty, art, etc., and is sometimes depicted as a witch in mythology, hence my choosing her. Anyway, sorry for my pointless annotations! Moving on to my other notes...
I am so sorry to anyone and everyone who has ever read this story, and actually wished it to continue. It has been a hectic past year, and so this coupled with other factors prevented me from writing. But based on people still reading this story, still reviewing, and still asking for an update… I would be cruel not to reply! I had no idea (and still hardly believe it) that this story merited as much attention as it has received! Thank you everyone for his or her wonderful reviews this past year or so, and please know I will be writing much, much more. And, if all of you truly like this story, thank Run Wild for her nudging me to update in my review to her great story (check it out! Plugplugplug); she was the biggest influence finally to get me to write. So, once again, thank you all for reading, and thank you to my beta, snarkyroxy, for putting up with me! I'm sorry if my writing style has changed much, but hopefully you all will still enjoy! Thanks once again!