Rating: PG-13 for swearing, I guess.
Spoilers and other warnings: It'd probably be a good idea to be up on the current manga chapters. Bastardizations abound. Odd humor.
Summary: Itachi, Sasuke, and Naruto die. Death laments the loss of his beloved chair. Wacky hijinks ensue.
Cheating Death
Death was bored.
He was stuck in a dimension between Life and Beyond. For some reason, besides the lack of name, the dimension between Life and Beyond had gotten the smallest decorating budget. The skies were gray. The ground was a slightly darker shade of gray. There used to be a chair with a seat of bright blue plastic and metal legs, but it had disappeared at some point. Death had a sneaking suspicion that War had stolen it, the bastard. But he didn't have any proof. Yet.
He tapped his boney foot on the gray ground impatiently.
Then a prone body materialized in front of him.
Itachi sat up and looked around, a slight crease forming between his eyebrows. "Where am I?" he finally asked. He sounded a bit bored, as if he were accustomed to waking up in strange places. Secretly, he was feeling something approaching anxiety.
"You're dead," Death said informatively.
Itachi turned to look at the dark-cloaked figure standing over him. The crease between his eyebrows became more evident. "No, I'm not," he said.
Death would've frowned if he could, but his face was a grinning skull, so he couldn't. He mentally frowned instead. He'd had plenty of humans deny they were dead and then dissolving into hysterics, either launching angry but futile attacks on him or breaking down into uncontrollable sobs, but he'd never had one just disagree with him so blandly. "Yes, you are," he said, "You're little Avenger brother finally—avenged." Death waved his hand in a vague manner. He knew all about the crazy Uchiha revenge. That Uchiha Massacre had been quite a busy night for him.
"That's impossible," Itachi replied, "I haven't achieved my life goals yet."
"Looks like you never will," Death said, getting a tad impatient, "Let's go now."
Itachi drew himself up to his not-very-considerable height. "I'm not following you," he stated, "I'm going back to Life."
Death would've given him an unimpressed stare, but lacked the eyes and facial expression to do so. He crossed his arms and tapped his foot to properly convey his unimpression, but Itachi was equally unimpressed with his unimpression. They stared blankly at each other for quite a few moments before either of them broke it. Death glanced at a pocketwatch he'd pulled mysteriously out of a fold in his black cloak. He sighed and looked up at the stoic man in front of him. "What are your life goals?"
Itachi stiffened imperceptibly. "None of your business," he said.
"Look, I have to get back to work. If you give me a good enough reason to let you live, I just might. Otherwise, I'm leaving you here until I deal with my next assignment." Itachi didn't respond. Death sighed and stuffed the watch back into his mysterious fold, turning to go. "Fine, I'll see you in a couple hours."
It took a few moments before Death noticed that Itachi was following him.
Death turned to face him and mentally frowned again. "You're not supposed to do this."
Itachi gave the impression of shrugging without actually doing so. After a few more moments of blank stares, Death finally turned around and walked off. Itachi decided to take this as permission and followed after him.
Neither Itachi nor Death were the talkative type, so they walked next to each other in silence. It wasn't companionable, but it wasn't exactly awkward either.
Death's next assignment was very familiar to Itachi.
"Sasuke?" he asked, allowing a fragment of bafflement to enter his tone before he got himself under control.
Sasuke didn't have nearly the reserve that Itachi had. His face contorted in revulsion and loathing. "ITACHI!???!!?!" he screamed in a tone worthy of both caps lock and excessive punctuation. The wind suddenly whipped up around him as he readied himself to declare that he was an avenger. And then he saw Death, whose black robes were blown upwards in a style reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe due to the sudden gust. "Um."
"You're dead," Death told him, unperturbed that he'd just flashed them. He was just a skeleton anyway.
"You died, foolish little brother?"
"Shut up!" Sasuke snapped, "I didn't die. I let Orochimaru take over my body."
Itachi stared at him. "...why?"
Sasuke looked cagey. "I told him I would." He frowned. "What do you care anyway?!"
Itachi thought about it. "I don't."
He resumed his dismissive air and infuriated Sasuke even more.
"Are you done?" Death interrupted, "There's another one due here in a few seconds."
As if on cue, Naruto's soul appeared, looking puzzled. But that was nothing new.
"Hey, where the hell am I?!" he demanded of no one in particular. Then he glanced around and saw two familiar faces and one not so familiar but very alarming. "Sasuke!? Sasuke's older brother!!? You!!!?" He jumped around hysterically and made several funny faces. Sasuke watched him half in disgust and half in amusement. Itachi and Death simply stood there.
"You're dead," Death said finally, after Naruto had run out of some steam. Which is to say that they were there for a good hour before he finally spoke.
"You're not very tactful," Itachi observed.
"What else can I possibly say?" he asked off-handedly. Despite his nonchalance, Death was secretly offended. It had taken him many years to perfect his technique of breaking the news as gently as possible.
Meanwhile, Naruto was wailing in the background. "I can't die yet! I'm still a Genin! Sakura-chan still won't go out with me! Who will water my plants?!"
"You're still a Genin?" Sasuke sneered.
"It's your fault, asshole! I've been out of the village training for three years to save your ass! I missed all the exams!"
Sasuke snorted. He refrained from revealing the fact that he was still technically a Genin himself. He'd been too focused on killing Itachi to take stupid ol' exams. Yeah, that's right.
"Are you all quite ready to go yet?" Death asked.
"I told you that I'm not dead," Itachi said.
"Yes, you are!" Sasuke yelled angrily. "I killed you!"
"Impossible," Itachi replied calmly.
"How can you deny it when you're talking to Death right now!??" Sasuke screamed. Naruto watched in fascination. Sasuke was totally losing his cool. He was starting to foam at the mouth.
Death decided to step in lest Sasuke spontaneously combust. Not that that was possible, since he was already dead. But whatever. All this yelling was giving him a headache. "Can you all just follow me now?"
This time Naruto protested. "Hey, I'm not dead either! I still have things to do!"
"So do I," Sasuke interjected, cool and calm once again, "I still have to resurrect my clan."
"How do you expect to do that without your body, foolish little brother?" Itachi asked.
"What does his body have to do with anything?" Naruto asked before Sasuke could start screaming again, "Doesn't the stork bring babies?"
Everyone stared at Naruto, who continued to look dumbfounded. "How old are you, Naruto-kun?" Itachi asked curiously.
"Sixteen," he answered promptly.
The three others took a moment to contemplate this. One had to wonder why a boy who was able to create Sexy no Jutsu at age twelve could possibly be this clueless. "Yes, er, storks," Death said finally.
Sasuke cleared his throat. "Right. Storks. Anyway, hated older brother, I will take my body back with the same jutsu he used on me!" he declared. "If I can kill you, surely getting my body back from Orochimaru will be no problem for me."
"Yes, that logic might work," Itachi agreed, "if you had, in fact, killed me. But I'm not dead, so I fail to see how you will get your body back."
A vein popped in Sasuke's soul's forehead. "I did kill you, you miserable bastard! What do you call this!??" He flailed his arms around, indicating their state of deadness.
"A minor setback," Itachi said coolly, standing fearlessly in the face of Sasuke's dramatics.
"You're all dead," Death said flatly, stepping between the two brothers, "No one is going back to get their body back, water their plants, or achieve their ambiguous goals. Now follow me or I'll kill you."
Something blunt suddenly smacked him on the back of his hollow skull. He froze in surprise and dropped, unconscious, in a clatter of bones. Naruto stood there behind the pile of bones, his fist raised and a guilty expression on his face.
Itachi looked at Naruto in surprise. "Good job."
Naruto scratched at the back of his head sheepishly. "Thanks."
Sasuke grabbed Naruto's wrist irritably. "Don't thank him, you idiot!"
"Don't tell me what to do, you bastard!"
"Let's just go," Itachi said, having no interest in hearing his whiny little brother argue anymore. Finding something they all agreed upon, they set off running across the rather blank landscape.
Souls, of course, have no need to breath and do not tire out easily, if at all. But after running around aimlessly across a barren land, one cannot help but get a bit bored of it. Naruto dropped first, complaining. "We're going in circles! And I'm hungry!"
"How can you even tell?" Sasuke snapped, "Everything around here looks exactly the same. And how can you possibly be hungry? You're dead!" Naruto pouted.
"Yes," Itachi agreed, "As the only live person in this group, only I should be feeling hungry or thirsty."
"You're dead too!"
Death chose this moment to make his grand re-entrance. "Ah, I see you've all finally decided to stop that useless running around."
Naruto screamed in terror. "It wasn't me!" he yelled, throwing up his hands uselessly.
"Oh, don't worry about it, Naruto-kun," Death said pleasantly. He had, of course, been angry to begin with. But after watching the three of them run around foolishly for several hours and accomplishing nothing, he felt somewhat mollified. "Are you all ready to follow me now?" he asked.
Once Naruto realized he wasn't in any danger, he became his boisterous self again. "I'm not following you anywhere, old man!" he declared.
"Then I suppose you want to stay here forever," Death said, affecting a tragic air.
"Whadda you mean?" Naruto demanded suspiciously.
"This is an infinite space made to hold an infinite amount of souls, and I am the only person who knows how to navigate it. Why else do you think you need a guide to lead you?" Death explained simply.
"Umm," Naruto replied intelligently. He squinted his eyes closed as he tried to concentrate on what Death had just said. Okay, he definitely knew those first three words...
Sasuke rolled his eyes and explained in even more simple terms. "Unless we follow Death, we'll be stuck here forever."
"Oh."
"Are we all set now?" Death asked cheerfully.
"I've decided to tell you my ambiguous goals in exchange for living again," Itachi suddenly said after going into some deep meditation to consider his rather limited options.
"What?" Naruto asked, confused.
"What?!" Sasuke asked, enraged.
"What?" Death asked, who was a little hard of hearing after being hit in the head.
"I'll tell you my goals in exchange for my life," Itachi repeated.
"Ah, that deal's off," Death said.
"I beg your pardon?" Itachi asked politely, certain that he'd misheard. Somehow.
"I'm afraid that deal is off," Death told him, "It's just not fair to the other two. And I can't possibly let all three of you have the deal, or I'd really be breaking the rules. Besides," he added, "You're being much more annoying now. You don't deserve to live again."
"He hasn't deserved to live since the day he murdered my family!" Sasuke couldn't help saying. Itachi, as usual, ignored him.
"I thought you were a man of your word," Itachi accused Death.
"I never said that. I never even said I'd definitely let you live even if you told me your goals," Death pointed out.
"Yes, you did," Itachi insisted, staring deeply into Death's—eyeholes.
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did."
Death regarded him for a moment in silence. "None of your ninjutsu or genjutsu will work here. The Sharingan is useless," he said.
Were Itachi a lesser man, he may have sputtered. Instead he sat and stared blankly. "I don't know what you're talking about," he lied blithely.
"You ninjas sure are persistent," Death complained, taking out his pocket watch to swing it around distractedly. After a few moments of silent contemplation, he said, "I can take a break from work for awhile. How about I make you guys a proposition?"
The three ninjas perked up considerably. They were all quite self-confident, whether it was justified or not. In fact, they were all hoping for the same kind of proposition.
"No," Death said, "It is not a tournament to the death to determine which of you is the best fighter that deserves to live."
"Why not?!" Naruto demanded rudely.
"You're dead already. And did I not just say that ninjutsu and genjutsu were useless here?" Death said, "Besides, I have no interest in watching you beat each other up."
They all sighed inwardly. Naruto really wanted to kick Sasuke's ass. And Sasuke really wanted to kill Itachi. Again. And Itachi was certain that he could defeat either boy whether he could use the Sharingan or not. He wasn't called a genius for nothing, after all.
"I want you to find my chair," Death continued.
Naruto said nothing, assuming that he was missing something. The Uchihas said nothing because they never really did. Death stared at them expectantly, but they, of course, could not tell, because his face could only grin creepily at them. Finally, Naruto couldn't hold it in anymore. "What?" he asked belatedly.
"My chair," Death repeated patiently, "It's bright blue. It used to be here, but now it's not. I think War stole it."
"How are we supposed to find that in this huge place?!" Naruto demanded.
"It isn't here, dumbass," Sasuke said, "He said it was stolen. Obviously it's not here anymore."
Naruto reddened. "Shut up, bastard!" was all he could come up with in retaliation. Then he thought some more and asked a sensible question. "Hey, if we're, yanno, dead, how are we supposed to find this stupid chair?"
"Ah, I'm glad you asked that question," Death said, then launching into a long, detailed explanation about astral bodies, souls, translocation, and Raggedy Ann that Naruto did not understand a single word of. Catching his look of utter confusion, he sighed and said, "In other words, I will use my power to transfer you into temporary bodies to go retrieve my chair. And when you see the chair, you will all touch it, infuse it with chakra, and I shall transport you all back here. If you bring me back my chair, I promise to restore your souls to your rightful bodies."
"Okay," Naruto agreed slowly, still a bit unclear on what was going on.
Sasuke smacked him. "Just do what I tell you to, idiot."
"Ow! Stop ordering me around, you asshole!"
If he could have, Death would've rolled his eyes. "Let's start this now, please. Or do you want to die?"
The three males straightened.
"Alright," Death said, pleased, "Don't forget to call the code word, 'chair,' when you've infused the chair with enough chakra."
"What a lame code word—" Naruto could be heard saying as their souls were transferred into their carefully chosen temporary bodies.
They all blacked out. Naruto recovered first, clutching his head and trying to shake the funny feeling out of his head.
"That feels really weird," Sasuke's voice said from somewhere nearby.
Naruto looked around to locate to other boy and then his eyes fell on Sasuke's temporary body. He stared for a moment before bursting out laughing. "Bwahahahahahaha! Sasuke, you loser!"
Sasuke flopped up and looked down at himself. Had he had the ability, he probably would've blushed. But since he lacked blood vessels, he could only stare down at his new form. To cover his embarrassment, he snapped his head up and glared at Naruto. "You're one to talk! You're a girl too!"
Naruto realized he had yet to check himself over. He craned his neck and took in his thin waist, full hips, long legs, and huge rack. "Whoa! I'm hot!"
"You're a Barbie!" Sasuke yelled, angry that Naruto wasn't as traumatized as he was.
"At least I'm not Raggedy Ann!" Naruto said, looking like he was going to start to laugh his head off. Again.
Sasuke charged at Naruto angrily, his soft body knocking over Naruto's hard, plastic one. Naruto let out a cry out of reflex, not because it actually hurt. In fact, he couldn't really feel much of anything.
Itachi stood over them, staring down at them expressionlessly. "...," he said.
"Wow! You're a spaceman! Cool!" Naruto exclaimed.
Sasuke glared murderously at Itachi. Another reason to hate his brother.
"Let's go," Itachi said.
Sasuke got up and onto his feet. But not because Itachi told him to. Because he wanted to. Naruto jumped to his feet enthusiastically, and the three of them set off to find the blue chair.
They didn't cover very much ground very quickly, being that they were doll-sized and also not quite used to being in doll-bodies. After much wandering, Naruto finally complained loudly. "Where in the hell are we?!"
Sasuke shot him an irritated glare. Itachi ignored him. A huge snake shot past them.
"What the hell was that?!!" Naruto screamed.
Sasuke recognized it. That was Orochimaru's snake. Which meant that Orochimaru was nearby. Which meant his body was nearby. He sneered inwardly. He didn't need Death to get his body back. He knew the jutsu that Orochimaru had used to take over his body. He clenched his fists in determination.
Then he looked down at his fists. Or rather, his mittens. Completely unsuitable for performing hand seals. He glared over at Itachi and Naruto. Damn them and their fingers. Death probably did that on purpose, that bastard. Since he didn't have fingers, he'd really have to find that stupid chair. If only he had a body with fingers.
He looked longingly at Naruto's slender, plastic fingers. And then he got an idea.
"Oi! Naruto, let me teach you a new jutsu," he said.
Naruto looked over at him in puzzlement. "Eh? Why?"
"Don't argue with me, idiot. Just let me teach it to you," he said impatiently.
Naruto's face twisted angrily. "Stop ordering me around, bastard!" But he stomped over and obeyed anyway.
Itachi watched his foolish little brother and the equally foolish little fox demon for a moment before turning away and following the snake. He probably had enough chakra to infuse into the chair on his own.
Orochimaru was riding around on his snake's head. "Faster, faster!" he ordered it, stamping on it harshly.
The snake was tempted to throw its master off. However, it decided to continue, understanding the urgency of the situation.
There was a chair following them.
When it had first appeared, Orochimaru hadn't noticed it. He'd been too absorbed in his plans for war with Konoha to really pay attention. It was in his conference rooms and his study when he was drawing out battle plans with his subordinates. He didn't own a bright blue chair, as far as he knew, but it didn't seem to be threatening and he felt he could ignore it. But even he could not ignore the time he'd stepped out of the shower to see a bright blue chair in the bathroom with him.
First he was shocked. And then annoyed. He threw it out into his room and then returned to toweling out his hair. When he looked back up, the chair was there again, sitting calmly.
This time, he threw it out of his bedroom window and went back to the bathroom to dress, ignoring the cries of pain below. But the chair was there, waiting for him. His eye twitched.
"Kabuto!" he called out.
He appeared instantaneously. "Yes, Orochimaru-sama?"
"Take this chair with you. And sit on it," he said.
Kabuto didn't bat an eyelash at the odd request.
He'd thought he'd gotten rid of it permanently, and it seemed that way for a few days. Then he and his army had set off to battle with Konoha, and the chair reappeared to terrorize him. In a way, it was a good thing, because they ended up moving a lot faster to avoid it. But no matter how fast he set the pace, the stupid thing was always waiting for him when they stopped to rest. The rest of his army was getting tired from all the running and the nights of rest cut short. Rumors filtered through the ranks that they were being chased by a chair. It sounded absurd, and they were all getting pretty highly annoyed.
Orochimaru, enraged by their insolence once he heard of it, ordered them all to dig a deep hole in which to bury the chair.
Unfortunately, this hole-digging delayed them so much that the Konoha army happened upon them while they were digging it.
Orochimaru chanced a glance at the ground and fell off of his snake.
"No!" Sasuke yelled, "You're doing it wrong, you idiot!"
"This isn't the horse seal?" Naruto asked, too confused to be angry at the insult.
"How can you be a ninja and not know these things?!" Sasuke shouted in frustration. He rubbed his face agitatedly. Naruto was just as stupid as he'd always thought. "Just look at my hands," he said tiredly, trying in vain to form the horse seal.
Naruto leered at him. "Don't you mean 'mittens?'"
"Shut up!" Sasuke snapped. Why couldn't he have been Buzz Lightyear instead of Itachi. He turned to glare at him, only to find that Itachi wasn't there.
Itachi was at the edge of the battle, standing unnoticed as he watched. Orochimaru was going to lose. His soldiers were tired from digging a hole, the purpose of which Itachi hadn't yet figured out. Konoha's soldiers had also had less distance to travel and still looked fresh and ready to fight.
He couldn't really care less about the outcome of this little war they were having. He needed to find that chair and get back to living soon if he ever wanted to achieve his goals.
Itachi stared at the ninjas and tried to find the best way to go through the crowd of people without attracting attention.
"Hey!" Naruto yelled from behind him, panting faintly, "You were trying to get the chair without us, weren't you, you bastard!?"
He turned to give him the benefit of his malevolent gaze. "So?" he asked calmly.
Angry at the dismissive tone, Naruto pushed him over. And, incidently, hit one of the buttons on his chest. "Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!" Itachi's body said exuberantly.
The three of them froze. Then Naruto leaned down and tentatively poked him in the chest again. "Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!" it repeated. Naruto sank to the ground, mouth slack, and poked it again.
He started giggling, poking it over and over again like a little kid, completely ignorant of the evil vibes emanating from his victim. Sasuke smirked to himself at his brother's predicament. He actually wanted to giggle like Naruto, but that would've been, well, not cool.
Finally, Itachi grabbed Naruto's wrist and said, in a steely tone, "Stop that or I'll kill you."
A distant scream then tore through the air and they all turned towards the battlefield.
The fucking chair was sitting right between the two armies. Orochimaru saw it and gave a shrill cry before falling from his high perch, stunning everyone. It wasn't everyday that one heard Orochimaru, one of the three Legendary Sennins, screaming like a little girl at the sight of a blue, plastic chair.
It was even more unusual to see a Buzz Lightyear, a Raggedy Ann doll, and a Barbie together, much less running across the ground together. They also seemed to be racing and yelling at each other.
"Get out of my way, you mitten-handed bastard!" the Barbie yelled, pushing the Raggedy Ann doll.
"Shut up about my mittens!" the Raggedy Ann yelled back.
They all three leapt onto the chair as the previously battling ninjas watched in dazed awe. The chair and the three dolls all began to glow with an immense mingled chakra. "Chair!" they all yelled at the same time. They promptly fell lifeless to the ground as the chair disappeared.
"Well done," Death said, happily sitting in his chair. For once his mood fit the grin on his face. Well, except he wasn't feeling quite so sinister or creepy.
"It was all me!" Naruto declared.
"No it wasn't, idiot," Sasuke argued.
Itachi simply stood there impatiently.
"I guess I have to hold up my end of the bargain," Death sighed. He'd probably get into trouble for this later, but at least he had his chair back. And the stupid annoying ninjas would finally be gone. At least for a little while. He didn't anticipate that they'd live long lives the way they lived. "Close your eyes."
They complied, and Death restored them to their bodies.
Sasuke's Epilogue
Orochimaru crept over to the three dolls, picking up the Raggedy Ann doll. "What the hell—?" he started to say before dropping bonelessly onto the ground. Then he convulsed a little and sat up.
Sasuke patted himself down carefully. He frowned as he noticed that he was wearing Orochimaru's gay-ass clothes rather than his cool Uchiha ones. Oh well. "At least I have my body back," he said to himself.
Then he noticed that Tsunade and Jiraiya were staring in his face. "What?" he sneered.
"Uchiha Sasuke?" Tsunade asked.
"Yes," he answered.
"S-class criminal and missing nin, Uchiha Sasuke, you are now under arrest for, among other things, abandoning your village and committing numerous acts of treason."
Before he could blow everyone away with a cool jutsu, he was knocked out rather harder than necessary by an Anbu member behind him.
Naruto's Epilogue
Naruto woke up in a very dark, very small bag. He was, unbeknownst to him, in a body bag. He screamed loud and long, but all the nurses and doctors had left to go to the battle field with the rest of the ninjas to provide medical care.
Itachi's Epilogue
A vulture poked experimentally at Itachi's body. He reached out and snapped its neck before it could touch him.
The End
End Notes: Well, this is the unfortunate result of avoiding studying for your Biology exam. I think this is actually the longest one-shot that I've ever written. Actually, it's probably the longest thing that I've ever finished. And it's pure crack.
I wrote randomly and amused myself until I got about halfway through and I realized that it had no plot and that they were just wandering around Death's place aimlessly, stopping to argue and act stupid. So I brought in Orochimaru, who I cannot seem to ever resist bastardizing to the point where he's pretty much not Orochimaru at all. Well, it's not like I did a better job on the other characters, hahah.
Feedback is appreciate muchly!!
Possible questions you may be asking yourself:
1. Why the hell was that chair following Orochimaru?
Well. It's quite a flimsy excuse, but War had stolen the chair from Death, and Orochimaru was planning a war, so War was following along to watch. Itachi figured that out, which is why he knew that the chair would be down where the battle was taking place.
2. What is with the whole Death dimension thing?
Uh, I don't know. I just made it up to suit my purposes. I actually kinda sorta thought it through, so if you really wanna know, harrass me, and I'll tell you.