Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, except for Karen and only then in the sense that I created her, though I'm still using her in a universe I have no hold over.

Fear Factor

Fairborn, Ohio -- October 30th, 2004 -- 2030 hours:

"Remind me again why I'm doing this?" Low Light said as he lit a cigarette and scowled at the line in front of him waiting to get into the Fairborn JayCee's "Spooktacular Haunted House!"

"Because General Hawk thinks the various sub-groups in GI Joe need to interact together more," Daina said. "He says it is a team-building exercise, to help us learn more about each other personally."

"Right, sounds more like one of Psyche Out's crackpot ideas," Low Light said, tucking his lighter back into his jacket pocket. "And so I'm at a haunted house because..."

"Because you're a big chicken who wouldn't go to the Chippendales' Review in Dayton," said Paige Adams. "And because Daina wanted to see an American Halloween tradition and since she's a guest in our country, we're being gracious hosts."

"Uh-huh," Low Light said, taking a drag on his cigarette and blowing smoke into the cool October night in a high plume. "And I'm really here because..."

"Because if you didn't come along, we were going to let Firewall set the screensavers on all the Pitt's computers to that lovely picture she did of you dressed like baby Cupid," Paige said with a smile.

Low Light winced. "Right," he said, studying the line in front of the and making a face. "This isn't going to take long, is it? I mean, it's not like this thing is gonna be scary, so we don't have to waste a lot of time on it, right?"

"What do you mean it will not be scary?" Daina asked, her brow furrowing. "That is the purpose, no? To scare people?"

"It'll be scary," Paige said, patting Daina's shoulder reassuringly. "More "Eek! A bug!" scary rather than the raw, gut-level terror of, say, one of Lifeline's lectures on proper diet and hygiene, but there's only so much you can expect from a group of kids trying to put on a charity show."

Low-Light snorted. "Yeah, a lot of fright masks and fake blood," he says. "And dark lights and a dry ice smoke machine. Whoo, real scary there."

"This, coming from the guy who thinks Killer Klowns from Outer Space is Citizen Kane." Paige snorted back, loud enough to make the people in front of them glance around. "Quit being such a baby about it, MacBridge."

""Killer Klows is a classic!" Low Light protested. "Pure horror-comedy gold." After a pause. "And I'm not being a baby, I just don' t see the point in wasting our time on something that' s not going to be scary, that's all."

"You just like the killer klown sex," Paige said. "Now, Dog Soldiers, that's a classic. Best damn werewolf movie I've ever seen. And this haunted house is for charity, sick kids or something for crying out loud."

"Fhht...no, that's Howling II," Low Light said. "Best one of the whole series, after the original." A pause. "Besides, we already paid for the tickets, charity work is done. We' ve been waiting half an hour already an' the line' s barely moved."

"You're only saying it's a classic because the one blonde girl rips her dress off like, twenty-seven times in the end credits," Paige said. "Look, if you want to leave, we can always go down to the Shake-Shack. I heard they' re having amateur night after the Chippendales are done. You could shake your money maker."

Low-Light blinked. "It was seventeen times," he said. "Eighteen if you count the time she does it in the movie." Another pause, followed by a grudging answer: "We can stay, already paid for the damn tickets."

Paige smirked and drew an imaginary line in the air. "Game set, and match,' she said.

A light went on behind Daina's eyes. "This is the movie you were watching the other night, yes?" she said, turning to Low-Light. "The one that was filmed in Prague? The one where I recognized the streets as being near where I had grown up, yes?"

Low-Light nodded. 'Yeah, that's the one," he said, grinning at Paige.

"That was an awful movie!" Daina said, her voice still carrying the happy tone. "But it was good to see something of home."

Paige threw up her arms. "Anyway, back to the point: if you can sit through Howling II and Killer Klowns, you can muster up the stamina to walk through this haunted house," she said. "It's the same kind of harmless scare and it's fun and if you don't act like a complete jackass, I'll take us all to Denny's after this."

Low Light considered. "Deal," he said. "But I'm not going to pretend to be scared."

Paige rolled her eyes, looking over at Daina. "I told you, we should have taken him to Chippendales. At least there, we could sell him to rabid housewives for beer money."

Daina smiled, looking to Low-Light. "I understand that this will be a pretend show, but still that is part of the fun, is it not? To pretend to be frightened of the monsters?"

Low-Light took another drag on his cigarette. "Yeah," he said, begrudgingly. "For you guys, it'll be a big ol' fun scare. For me, I' m going to have to be the big stoic male through all this." He scowled, glaring at both women. "No grabbing onto me. You guys wanted to walk through this damn thing, you can grab onto each other. I' m not "protecting" anybody."

Paige glared at Low-Light. "I can' t believe you just made air-quotes at me," she said. "You ever do that again, I' m breaking your fingers. Besides, grabbing on to the designated male protector is half the fun of these things. Why do you think Jaye ended up in Flint' s lap when we were watching In the Mouth of Madness last week?"

"Because Flint and Jaye are terminally in heat?" said Low-Light with a shrug. "Hell, she was mackin' on him during a Quizno's commercial."

"Well, yeah," said Paige, nodding.

"This is also true," said Daina, also nodding.

"No! I don't wanna!" All three Joes looked up, as did several others waiting on line as a young girl, probably not more than seven or eight, dropped to the ground and refused to enter the haunted house. Her embarrassed looking parents were attempting to console and cajole her into standing up. "Come on, honey, be brave!" floated back to them.

Low-Light scowled and lit another cigarette as Paige shook her head, disgustedly. "Poor kid...you'd think that 13 sign right up there in foot-high letters would be enough for some people to get a clue." she said. "God, don't tell me they're going to let them in! They are! Morons! Why do they even have a sign for Christ's sake?"

"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of others," Low-Light said. "But hey, can' t be that scary, if they're letting her in, maybe we should--"

"Stop by that adult store on Vine to get you a camo-thong to wear during your dancing debut?" Paige said. "MacBride, give it up already, geeze!"

Low-Light grumbled unintelligibly, puffing away on his cigarette as he studied his now-fascinating watch. Daina reached over and patted his shoulder, reassuringly.

"Kid's gonna have nightmares and they'll probably sue the JayCees," Paige said with a snort. "Damnit, I picked an adult haunted house for a reason. I wanted to go somewhere for one night and not have to hear kids screaming. Hate it at the mall, hate it at the grocery store, hate it at restaurants. Especially hate it at the movies. When I saw Resident Evil? Some moron had brought his four-year-old with him. Four years old! Whatever happened to the days when people got babysitters for crying out loud?"

"Perhaps they want to share this with their child?" Daina said. "A Halloween treat."

"Bull," Paige said. "They wanted to go and they were too cheap or too lazy to get a sitter so they're psychologically scarring their kid. I swear, they need to start licensing childbirth. Protect the gene pool or something. I mean, just think, if we' d been licensing breeding from the beginning, we wouldn't have to hit Shipwreck with a rolled up newspaper every time he sees a pretty girl." She paused. "Or just because it' s a day ending in "Y"."

Low Light was silent, puffing away on his cigarette and glancing at his watch again and studiously not watching the crying little girl at the front of the line. "I'm missing the balloon dog scene, right now," he muttered. "Love the balloon dog scene. Favorite part of the whole movie."

"Cram it, MacBride," Paige said. "You've got it on DVD."

"Poor little girl," Daina said as the girl's parents got her back on her feet and led her into the house.

"God, I just hope they're out by the time we get up there," Paige said. "Last thing I want is to hear that kid scream." She grinned, casting a sideways glance at Low-Light. "Don't want her to drown you out, MacBride."

"I am not going to scream," Low Light said. "I don't scream."

"Five bucks says you scream tonight," Paige said. "Daina, you in on this? Or do you want to hold the money?"

"I am going to bet that Low Light does not scream,' Daina said. "He does not seem the type to me."

Low Light grinned, an actual grin rather than his usual smirk. "Thanks, Daina," he said.

"Instead, I think he will faint," Daina said, eyes twinkling with amusement. 'He seems more of a fainter to me."

As the two women laughed and the groups in front and behind them struggled to disguise chuckles as coughs, Low-Light's grin turned into a scowl. "Thanks, so much," he muttered, glaring at the line in front of them. "Any freakin' day now."

They were five feet and twenty minutes closer to the door when Low-Light's cellphone rang, the ring tones the opening bars of Alice Cooper's Welcome to My Nightmare. Low-Light hooked the cellphone' s earpiece around his ear before answering. "MacBride' s Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em," he said. "MacBride speaking." A grin spread across Low-Light' s face. "Hey Karen, what's up?"

"Is that your girlfriend?" Paige asked in a stage whisper. "She's really real?"

"Low-Light has a girlfriend?" Daina said. "Firewall had told me this but I thought she was making a joke, like when she had photoshopped Cooper sitting in Bikini Cove with Spongebob Squarepants."

"He told me about her around Valentine's Day, but y'know, I thought he was delusional. He said she lives in North Dakota, nobody's from North Dakota," Paige said.

"Karen, hold on a second -- you heard? Oh yeah, they're a regular laugh riot. My sides're killing me." Low-Light gestured for Paige and Daina to wait one moment, using the middle finger of his left hand as he stepped out of line and walked several feet away from the others. "Sorry," he said. "I missed part of that, what'd you say?"

Karen chuckled before answering. "I said, I've got a 175-pound lummox I'd like stuffed, what's the going rate?"

"Ehh, we don't do lummoxes anymore," Low-Light said. "But, if you got any stray beavers running around, those are a specialty of mine."

Karen laughed. "So I seem to recall," she says. "Actually...that's partly why I'm calling, Coop."

"If I leave now, I can be there in eighteen hours and twenty-seven minutes," Low-Light said. "And if you still have my toothbrush from last month, I can knock off the twenty-seven minutes."

"I though tonight was your "Snipers' Night Out"?" Karen said, the merriment in her voice taking on a false note. "I mean, they managed to drag you out of the base, you shouldn't disappoint them."

"Only person I never want to disappoint is you," Low-Light said, pitching his voice lower. "What's wrong? Sherry okay?"

"She's with her dad, this weekend," Karen said. "Her school's having their teacher's inservice this weekend, so she's staying at his place. Dwayne's folks are having their Halloween party tonight."

Low-Light grunted, nodding despite the fact the gesture wouldn't carry over the phone lines. "Dogs are okay? Your folks are okay? Nobody's dead? Town didn't burn down?"

"The dogs are fine, my folks are fine. Your folks are fine, for that matter. Nobody's dead -- at least that we know or care about. And the town of Crosby still stands, proud and majestic, complete with a brand new White Castle," Karen said, some humor coming back into her tone.

"So, what's wrong?" Low-Light finished his cigarette, slipping the filter end into his jacket pocket as he fought to keep his cool.

"What makes you think something's wrong?" Karen said.

"The fact that you asked what makes me think something's wrong," Low-Light said, tightening his grip on his cell phone. "What's wrong, Karen? Tell me or I'm drivin' up there tonight."

There was the sound of a deep breath, then: "I'm pregnant, Cooper," Karen said.

From the line, it almost looked as if Low-Light had been shot. One moment, he was standing almost ram-rod straight as he talked to his girlfriend and the next, he was staggering sideways and almost struggling to keep his feet. Only the fact that he recovered his footing and said "You're WHAT?!" into the phone in a strangled croak stopped Paige from going for her .45 and checking for Cobras.

Daina stared at Low-Light as he struggled to keep his feet. "What is going on?" she asked.

"Oh, no," Paige said, shaking her head, face torn between a look of shock and a spreading grin. "He didn't!"

"Oh, I think he did," said a woman behind Paige. "That's how my Arnold reacted when he found out about our first."

"Only 'cause you were sixteen,' said a man who was presumably the Arnold in question. "An' your dad was a marine!"

"Didn't what?" Daina asked, confusion making her accent thicken. "First what? What are you talking about? What is going on?"

The woman looked at Daina, one eyebrow going up. "Honey, don't people have babies where you come from?" she asked.

"Babies? Of course we have babies! Proud Czech babies, vastly superior to American model," said Daina, chest puffing out with pride. Daina looked to Paige. "Who is having baby?"

"Low-Light is! Well, his girlfriend is, but you get the idea. Now shh!" Paige said, gesturing toward Low-Light. "Shut up and listen! God, I wish I had my camera!"

Low-Light missed the conversation behind him, the roaring in his ears was making it difficult to even hear Karen. "I'm pregnant," she said again.

"W..how?" he asked, the bad-ass sniper side of himself wincing at the stupidity of the question.

Karen chuckled. "The usual way, Cooper," she said, gently. "I'm about five weeks along, according to my doctor."

That would mean... "Deer season," Low-Light said aloud.

"Uh-huh," Karen said. She chuckled. "And you were disappointed because you didn't bag anything."

Low-Light's laugh was higher-pitched and nervous. "Yeah, well...you're sure?" he asked. "I mean, you know for sure, right? You're not just late?"

"Three EPTs and I saw Dr. Fritz last week," Karen said. "I'm sure, Cooper. This is the real deal."

Low-Light swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice from shaking. "What...what do you want to do?" he said. "You want me to come up so we can talk about this? I can...I can probably get the time, if you need me."

"There's nothing we need to talk about that we can't discuss over the phone," Karen said, gently.

"But what are we going to do?" Low-Light said. "I mean...what do you want to do? Do you want to have it or..." With a sudden possessive stab, Low-Light didn't -- couldn't -- finish the thought.

"No, that's not even an option; I'm having the baby, Cooper," Karen said. "Dr. Fritz says I'm perfectly healthy for a woman of my age and they've made plenty of advances over the years. Being 37 and pregnant isn't so unusual anymore. Besides, I've still got Sherry's crib in the attic and some of her old baby clothes. The rest I can get; my sister still has a lot of her baby stuff and there's always the church rummage."

"Will you marry me?" The words were out before Low-Light even knew he was going to say them. His eyes went wide with shock. Dumbass!

"No," Karen said. "Relax, hon, I know you're only asking out of reflex. But this is the 21st century and I won't be a brazen hussy if I have a baby without having a husband -- even here in good ol' Divide County. Besides, I've already done the whole "marry in haste, repent in leisure" thing. Not as much fun as it sounds. I'd rather wait."

"Yeah, but you don't have to. I mean, we've talked about -- it -- before. This'd just be speeding it up a little." Low-Light looked around, trying to figure out who was saying these things with his mouth.

"No, Cooper, not even if you could say the world 'marriage'," Karen's voice was firm. "I'm the veteran here, not you. Trust me on this. If we get married, it'll be because we're ready, not because you're freaking out."

"I'm not freaking out!" Low-Light said, voice raised indignantly rather than fearfully.

"Yes, you are," said Karen. "If it makes you feel any better, it's a very macho-sounding freak out."

Low-Light grunted. "How the hell do you expect me to sound?" he grumbled. "You call me up, drop this kind of a bomb on me...damnit, Karen, I'm comin' up next month for Lutefest, how come you couldn't tell me then?"

"Because I know coming home is hard enough for you," Karen said. "And I know that hearing this is a hard thing. I wanted you to come up here already knowing this so we can talk about it more easily." She paused. "..and because I was scared, Coop."

Low-Light stared down at the phone in his hand, blinking at the screen. "You were scared?" he said. "What the hell do you have to be scared of?"

"Well, there's the fact that I'm 37 and pregnant, that my boyfriend fights terrorists for a living, and I've completely lost the ability to tell my sixteen year old daughter not to have sex before marriage. Other than that the only thing I really have to be afraid of is...." Karen paused so long that for a moment Low-Light thought he'd lost connection. Finally, just before he was about to hang up and dial Karen's number, she spoke. "You leaving." Karen's voice was small, fearful, the sound tearing into Low-Light like a fishhook. "Scaring you so badly that you just took off. It'd be easy, you being so far away."

"WHAT?! Karen, have you completely lost it? I'm not leaving you for anything! It took me thirty-four years to find a woman who wasn't completely bat-shit insane except for the fact she puts up with me and I'm not about to get rid of her just 'cause she's pregnant! 'Specially when it's my kid for cryin' out loud!" Low-Light said. "I love you for Christ's sake."

Low-Light barely heard the sniffled "I love you too" as Karen's reply was drown out by a chorus of "Aww!"s., whistles and claps behind him. Slowly, he turned to see that his conversation with Karen had apparently replaced the fright masks and fake blood as the entertainment of the night. He scowled as Daina took a snapshot of him with some teenager's camera phone, while Paige was gesticulating wildly. "Firewall, I am serious! Get this out over the email now! MacBride has spawned!"

"Karen, call me back, I gotta go kill Adams, Daina an' about twenty civilians now, okay?" Low-Light said. "

Karen laughed, as much from amusement as from relief. "Okay, honey," she said. "I'll start working on a lutefisk with a file in it."

"Cool, bye," Low-Light hung up the phone and ran off to try and preserve what was left of his dignity. If I can survive Adams, I can survive a kid, right?

-- End --

Author's Note: Crosby, North Dakota is actually, factually a real town. I know this because, big screaming dork that I am, I looked it up! It's a small town with a population of about 1,200 in northern North Dakota in Divide County which is near the US/Canada border. The Lutefest is an actual event held in the town (and which looks to be a pretty good time this year 'round, judging from the blurb about it in the on-line version of the town's newspaper.