Summary: The first in a two-part companion piece.  Kurogane thinks a lot in this (OOC most likely).  Not a lot of action, a few spoilers up until about chapitre 50.

Disclaimer: All things owned by CLAMP.  This is the fruit of a poor fangirl's fantasy about Kurogane and Fai.  So if that doesn't float your boat, sorry, no need to read on.

Hope you enjoy.

Fai

From the very beginning I'd hated Fai the most. The cowardly bastard was running. Instead of staying on and finishing whatever duty he had, he ran to that dimension bitch so that he wouldn't have to face it. The kid I hated on principle since it was mostly going to be up to him and that white manjuu when I would finally get home.

I wanted to go home. My princess needed me. Or so I kept convincing myself. If she did need me she wouldn't have sent me away. If she did, she would have appreciated my work. But she cursed me for it and sent me away. I don't take much stock in self pity, but what was I without my princess to protect?

The master that trained me when I was young told me that I was the type of person who needed to protect someone. I never really knew what he meant and didn't bother myself to find out. I understand now though. I felt useless if I wasn't protecting someone. And I hated feeling useless.

Nothing was more important than getting back to Japan for me. It was the place I needed to be. The place I wanted to be. I hated these different lands that made me feel woefully out of place. No matter where we went I could barely get my head around the concept of the place, whether it be that republic where the townspeople are crazed, tiger-loving, kudan-wielding freaks or a world inside a game in an amusement park. No matter where I went I stuck out like the hulking oaf that I am.

Fai blended in marvelously. Everywhere we went he charmed people and made them laugh. Syaoran attracted people simply from his determination to save the princess. People loved seeing devotion and admired those who had it. The princess is much like Fai. She just acts as herself and everyone falls in love with her. Then there's me. No one ever wanted to talk to me or even be around me. I suppose though that it's my own fault. I don't really exude friendliness or, hell, even approachability. I never stuck out in my Japan, though. People feared me, but then, most people feared ninja.

I refused to help when this whole thing began. I was dragged along by Fai and pushed out by that Sorata fool though, as they figured I might as well go along even if I wasn't going to help. I joined in the fight with that crab kudan mostly out of boredom. I hadn't felt useless then. But that was only the first step in crumbling my opposition to aiding the kid. If I helped him out and he collected the feathers faster, I'd be able to get home faster.

The princess woke up. Even without most of her memories, I could tell she was a very kind person. She reminded me of my own princess. I think they would get along well if they ever met. I have only ever served Princess Tomoyo in my life; but she didn't want me. I will go back to her, but for now, I had no one to serve. The dependent part of me that I try so desperately to hide clung suddenly to the thought that maybe this princess would want me. She would trust me. Maybe she would never think of sending me away. I never uttered a word to anyone, but swore to myself that I would not allow harm to come to Princess Sakura.

There was more to it, I think. That feeling of protecting the princess was not simply as the duty of a ninja. It ran deeper. I don't know how, and am even reluctant to admit that I first thought this, but it felt as if she was the younger sister I'd never had. The kid, I saw myself in. I didn't want him to turn out like I had though, so I decided to help him out. I have no idea how Fai or that white manjuu got around my guard. They are all weaknesses.

A warrior cannot afford weaknesses. They can be exploited by enemies and affect judgment. I had begun the journey with no weaknesses. I now find myself with four. I was able to ignore these feelings up until we broke into that damn Ryanban's castle in Koryo Country. Fai and I left ourselves to deal with that kiishimu while the kid went ahead to find the princess's feather. Toward the end, she almost killed us. Fai wasn't prepared for it, but I saw it happening. I took the time to get him out of the way. He annoyed me to my wits' end and I had saved the bastard. It made no sense.

My resolve against helping had crumbled into virtual nonexistence by the time we got to Outo Country. It started with the whole demon hunting thing. The kid wanted to do it and me to help. Then Fai and I went out to check that map the kid had gotten and were attacked. After the demons were dispatched, Fai observed that I must hate him the most. It had hurt. But what could I say? I'd set myself up for that kind of remark; but I just wanted him to be himself for once was what I'd meant. He hid behind that damn fake smile all the time. I only wanted to be able to look at him and not feel as if he were hiding everything from me. We'd gone into the bar then and listened to the owner's song. Fai wanted to be taken away. He wanted to be protected. He mentioned that it would probably make me hate him more. I couldn't answer him. He was wrong, but I couldn't tell him that. I did want to protect him. But I knew it wouldn't help solve his problems, so it was a pretty useless thought.

They'd all gotten drunk that night. On damn weak sake at that. Pathetic alcohol tolerance if you asked me. I'd felt like the only sane one there. And in a way I was. The kid had no idea what he was asking for when he requested that I teach him how to fight with a sword. But I could see the sincerity in his eyes; he looked up to me and respected me and...trusted me. I'd had to get them all to bed after that. I put the princess and the white manjuu to bed first. It had been the easiest, and the start of a very confusing road of conversations. When I picked her up, she'd snuggled into my arms and called me her brother. I got the kid situated next. He'd waxed poetic about how strong I was. The last was Fai.

The wiry bastard was falling asleep, so I threw him over my shoulder again. When I made to lay him down though, he latched onto my waist.

"Don't put me down!" He cried.

"Get the hell off of me, dammit!" I pulled at him, but he'd gotten a good grip. I let go of his waist and took hold of his hands.

"No!" He buried his face into my back and clung tighter.

I don't know who he was trying to fool. Most people are usually weaker when drunk and Fai, who wasn't too physically strong in the first place, was no exception. I easily pried his arms from around my waist and slid him unceremoniously off my shoulder and onto his bed. He almost looked like he was asleep when I looked down at him. I turned to leave and was stopped by a quavering hand grasping at my hakama. I looked back at him. Somehow, he didn't look drunk anymore.

"Do you really hate me?"

I could lie to him so easily. I usually do in fact. I lie to all of them every day. But somehow, I felt that he needed the truth at that moment. Almost as if his very soul depended on my answer. I wouldn't lie to him like that.

"No."

He looked very confused. "But...before you said that you hated people like me the most..."

I raised an eyebrow. "No, you said that. I just didn't correct you. It's not that I hate you; I hate it when you aren't yourself. I have yet to see the real you. I can see whatever is left of it sometimes, but you crush it so quickly that I doubt it was even there."

"How do you know I'm not the real me?" His eyes were desperate.

"I don't know how," I admitted. "But I do. And...I want to know the real you."

"Ashura-ou never wanted to know the real me..." He whispered.

I assumed that was the name of the one from whom he was running. I wanted to save him from whoever this Ashura was, but at the same time knew that if Fai would ever recover from what happened between them, he would have to deal with him on his own. And maybe he would even stop fearing his own abilities. He liked to say that he never uses his magic, but he can't help it at times. When we were looking for the Ryanban, the man practically levitated with the power that flowed through him.

I wanted to see him free himself from whatever self-imposed curse he had placed on himself and come around to his full potential. I wanted to see him how he should be. This fake Fai pissed me off. I was somehow positive that the real Fai would enchant me. I wanted to know the real Fai. But that was wrong! I shouldn't want to be enchanted!

The kid and I had gone after the demons in the Tower of Dwarves that next day. Surrounded by demons, I accidentally revealed something of my own hidden nature to Syaoran. He figured out that I could see in the dark and displayed a strange obsession in demons consuming people. My only luck was that the kid was too naive to make any kind of connection.

Then Fai was gone. I showed as little emotion as I could, but his eradication tore at me. I regretted for the first time in my life that day. I regretted not telling him more. I regretted not letting him know that I did believe in him. That he was worth knowing no matter what happened in the past. I regretted never seeing his real smile.

Even when I slipped again with the devouring by demons, the kid never noticed. He must have just thought I was shocked. I couldn't protect him. I had failed. I hated failure even more than I hated being useless. I would not fail again. I let the kid have first dibs on the guy who'd done it since he knew him. Secretly I'd hoped that the kid would need help so that I would be able to render the bastard limb from limb.

Until dawn though, I had to protect the princess. Not an easy task when she was out cold and the house was being destroyed by rampaging demons. But I managed it. And as luck would have it, the other demon hunters showed up and I was able to pawn off the princess so that I could meet up with the kid and help him kill Fai's murderer.

I was quite surprised, to say the least, to learn that this guy had not only killed Fai, but the kid too. There wasn't a body again. I remained calm, but inside I seethed. I decided that the only thing worse than having weaknesses was losing them. I don't remember the last time I had so looked forward to obliterating someone.

And I loathed that dimension bitch for not letting me. I couldn't have cared less that my strength would diminish if it meant I got to kill that son of a bitch. As it turned out though, we'd been in a game and the kid and Fai were fine. It disgusted me when I saw them. I was raw with relief. How pathetic. I recall when I only had strength. I didn't care who died or lived, as long as I performed my duty as Princess Tomoyo's ninja and kept her safe.

We'd been deposited in another land again after that catastrophe. Mokona was hanging onto the kid for the moment as he made sure that Princess Sakura was comfortable. That, unfortunately, gave Fai and me a moment to ourselves. I don't know how it is that he and I keep finding ourselves alone with each other.

Hitsuzen.

I was hearing things now. Good.

"Something wrong, Kuro-chii?"

I gave the wizard a sidelong glare and remained silent.

"Being shy again, are we?" He teased, poking my arm.

"Leave me alone," I grumbled.

"But I don't think you really want to be alone," Fai remarked breezily. "You've changed since we all first met."

"No, I haven't."

Fai smiled. "I see it. You'd like to think you hide it well enough, but I saw how you reacted when you saw Syaoran-kun and me. And I know why you're scared."

My frown deepened and I refused to look at him. What was this damn bastard getting at?

"You've never actually cared for anyone before, have you?"

I felt my heart freeze mid-beat; my eyes widened, shocked.

"It's not bad, Kurogane," Fai moved in front of me, trying to meet my eyes. I looked away, but didn't move. He rested a hand on my elbow and with his other, cupped my jaw lightly, turning me back to him. He didn't take his hand away and I gazed into his unfathomably gentle eyes. "It's okay to care for people."

I jerked away then, turning my back on him. "It is a weakness," I barely whispered.

I felt him take my hand and squeeze gently, reassuringly. "Everyone needs weaknesses then," his voice was low.

"I've never felt that before," I admitted. "And I hated it."

"No one likes it when something bad happens to those they care for," Fai said. He moved to look up at me. "But it's worth it."

"How do you know?" I couldn't bring my voice to be any louder.

"I've cared for people before," Fai said, looking away for a moment. His eyes came back to mine though. "I care for people now too." His eyes drifted shut then, his voice turning wistful. "And love...loving someone is even better. It's like you're floating on air. It's a wonderful feeling. Even if the one you love uses you..."

I stared at him. That couldn't be right. Even I knew that couldn't be right. I reached to lift his chin. He opened his eyes again, tears lining them. I remembered that name he'd said before: Ashura. How could he have done something like that? I would never treat him like that. No! Weaknesses could be encouraged. But...he was right. I liked watching out for the princess. I enjoyed the kid's constant attempts to better himself to properly take care of the princess. Mokona was infuriatingly endearing. And Fai...

"No one who actually cares for you would abuse," I said with a strange conviction. "You shouldn't hurt the ones you care for..."

"Am I even worth being cared for?"

"It doesn't matter what's happened," I murmured. "It's behind us. You're worthy of anything." I ghosted my hand through the hair that fell beside his eyes, not knowing what I was doing. What was I even feeling? Fai was the only one I couldn't put a reason behind. The princess, the kid and that manjuu were easy to pin with an explanation as to why I came to care about them. Fai was...an enigma. I had felt drawn to him from the beginning and now that I was facing down this feeling, I was starting to understand what it was.

His eyes shone as he gazed up at me. And I saw it; the small part of Fai that remained hidden showed through. And he smiled. I noted, with a small amount of ambivalence, that I had been right: it was enchanting.

I didn't even know I was leaning toward him until he was mere inches away. His head tilted as he leaned toward me as well, eyes sliding closed. My own eyes fell shut with the overload of emotions that stormed inside me. I felt his soft breath against my cheek and the warmth of his body as he came closer.

"Kurogane and Fai look like they get along well now!"

I jerked back, eyes wide. Fai likewise reeled backward looking around, startled.

Mokona sat cheerily in a branch beside us. "Don't be scared! It's only Mokona!"

The damn manjuu leapt from his perch and onto Fai's shoulder. Fai smiled softly. "We were just startled, Mokona, that's all."

"What were you doing?"

Fai never faltered. "We were just discussing weaknesses." He looked over to me then, his eyes gentle, filled with unspoken emotions.

"Oh. Well, Syaoran is out looking around and I'm here to see if you wanted to see what was around as well," the manjuu chirped.

"Of course we would!" Back to his façade; his fake smile that fooled everyone.

It didn't fool me anymore.