Chapter 6
Several weeks have gone by in which little of significance has passed, unless of course you wish to count unusually frequent invitations for tea with the Headmaster as being worthy of note. If he took less care, one might arrive at the conclusion that he is harbouring feelings of guilt after our last session.
My Boggart-Banishing practice is finally coming to fruition- I am almost able to completely banish the smaller creatures without a problem.
When I arrive at Van Dalen's home, I remember to return to him the 'literature' he was so kind as to lend me, though I am sure that to call the leather-bound leaves of florid tripe bestowed upon me 'literature' is an insult to the many writers who have worked years to enrich and refine their art.
"Ah!" Van Dalen claps his hands together jollily, "I forgot to ask you in de previous session, Zeverus, how did you enjoy it?"
I had made the considerable effort to read my borrowed copy of "Hairy Snout, Human Heart" before our last meeting in anticipation of a grilling on the subject; therefore I was rather disappointed that I had wasted my time on it- truly, the book is substandard sensationalism at best.
"Not at all. The written style is tedious and frilly, and the writer's excessive, self indulgent, self-pitying ramblings were both infuriating and at times incoherent. How it even made publication is a mystery which would probably merit a book of its own- no doubt blackmail and other criminal methods of persuasion were involved."
"But what did you think of de author and his harrowing struggle?" Van Dalen presses me, looking somewhat affronted on the author's behalf. "Did you not feel empathy for his plight? Did you not wonder at the unfairness of de discrimination he suffered? Were you not moved by his hopeless struggle to gain custody of his children after the death of his wife?"
"His methods of protest against the Ministry's actions were inappropriate and overblown; rather than inspiring sympathy they only served to make him appear all the more irresponsible as a parent," I drawl, recalling how the werewolf describes in his trashy memoirs his melodramatic bids to make a political point about the Ministry's laws against allowing werewolves to retain sole custody of any underage children. (1) One of these stunts involved transfiguring a broomstick into a giant firework and riding it through Hogsmeade. "2nd degree burns and charges of arson for his efforts- the only injustice was that the pillock wasn't convicted."
Van Dalen shrugs, "You can't please everyone I suppose," he says airily, "Have you read it, Remus?"
"Yes- actually, I'm inclined to agree with Severus in regards to the author's style, though you were perhaps a little harsh on him."
"I have the greatest confidence that you will surpass him in your own endeavours," I tell Lupin sarcastically and am satisfied to see a faint blush rise from under his collar.
Since Remus revealed his (rather dubious) talent for poetry we have been treated to several showcases of Lupin's creative endeavours, which range from the pitifully amateur to the embarrassingly abysmal. Last week, however, he announced that he was tentatively considering writing a book! I'm afraid my laughter was difficult to stifle.
"Zeverus, how is my Hex-able Horlklump?"
Ah, the lovable pink mushroom. "Incinerated."
Van Dalen lets out a squeak so remarkably like the Horklump that it would seem he was channelling its spirit.
"But-" Van Dalen is shaking his head in disbelieving dismay "- it was resistant to-"
"Five hundred different hexes, yes- it took me an entire afternoon to annihilate it. I'm still finding stray bubbles around my quarters," I muse.
Van Dalen lets out a strangled whimper.
"You spent a whole afternoon trying to kill it?" Lupin asks me, his brows furrowed in a worried frown.
"You can't kill a pillow, Lupin," I tell him patiently. "You see, it was never really alive in the first place."
"But-" Lupin looks at me incredulously "-you spent a whole afternoon at it?"
"I have a lot of pent up aggression," I tell him, smirking wickedly.
Lupin only shakes his head, dumbfounded.
"We are going to take a break from dwelling on de past and spend some time looking toward de future!" For one dreaded moment I expect Van Dalen to produce from the depths of his desk a deck of tarot cards or a crystal ball but he goes on to inform us that "I perceive you both to have very low self esteems.
"Now, Remus, I am right in thinking your continued pursuit of self expression through de mediums of paint and de written word have certainly been of benefit to you, am I not?"
The werewolf nods. I have been ordered to show Lupin encouragement so that he feels 'supported on his personal journey to self acceptance'. For his most recent charcoal rendering of lycanthropus I had this to say: "My, my! It almost looks as though it could leap right of the page and maul you. Most impressive, Lupin."
"Would you agree it has allowed you to better accept your Inner Wolf?"
I am struck with the bizarre image of a lupine guru levitating cross-legged towards enlightenment and find I need every ounce of concentration I possess to keep my mouth from twitching at the edges.
"Dat is good, yah? But now, there is a need for you both to learn to love yourselves and celebrate your self worth! I do not think you will be able to accept each other for what you are until you can accept yourselves."
Sarcasm just won't allow me to express my disdain this time.
"And precisely what is it that you have in mind?" I ask somewhat nervously, my mounting trepidation evident in my voice.
Van Dalen treats us to a lopsided grin; "Through de magic-" here he pauses for dramatic effect "- of music!
"We are going to sing-" oh no. No "-some positive thinking songs!"
Even Lupin feels the need to protest this time: "Normally I wouldn't question your judgement, Doctor; after all, you are obviously much more knowledgeable in such matters, highly qualified as you are," Lupin flatters the dimwit easily and Van Dalen beams at him with affection, "But I think I speak for both of us when I say that neither I nor Severus is really musically inclined."
My fervent nodding in agreement with Lupin goes unnoticed.
"Tcha! We are not on de Wizarding Wireless Network! Dis is good fun, yah!" Fun? Fun! Oh, indeed… "I think Zeverus especially needs to lighten up!"
I grind my teeth at this but say nothing. Van Dalen hands us a leaf of parchment on which the lyrics to two songs have been written in his scrawling handwriting for us to follow.
"Dey are based on a pair of muggle songs I am particularly fond of- it is my late wife's doing. She would often play de Muggle music and through her I developed a liking for it." How nauseating. "I will play de songs a few times so that you can learn de tunes, yah?"
Van Dalen summons a black box-shaped piece of Muggle technology similar to a Wizarding Wireless which begins to emanate dreadful music. As we follow the words written on the parchment Lupin holds for me to see, I note that Van Dalen has made some dire modifications to the already appalling lyrics.
After several repetitions of the songs, Van Dalen seems to decide we have had sufficient time to grasp the general melodies and switches off the machine. Grinning from ear to ear, Doctor Van Fruitcake counts us in, waving his arms in an overzealous show of conducting, before launching into the song with gusto:
"I feel good! Da na na na na na na
I knew that I would, now – come now, Professors, join in!"
Lupin and I share a glance, before muttering the words tunelessly,
"I feel nice" -taking it in turns to pause and peer closer at the parchment to decipher Van Dalen's appalling handwriting-
"Like sog- sage- oh, sugar, sugar and spice..."
"With some energy, yah?"
Lupin complies by speaking the next few lines a little louder,
"I'll embrace life with my arms
I'm having fun singing this song!
I'm gonna cast some Cheering Charms"
But he begins to lose heart somewhere after "A smile can't do me no harm."
"I feel good, I knew that I would
So good, so good, 'cause I am me!" We finish dispassionately.
"Dat was pitiful!" Van Dalen cries, his cheeks still flushed from his heartfelt warbling. "I want you to project your voices loud and clear! I want to hear you say deez words like you mean them!" I roll my eyes and Lupin sighs softly beside me. "I want you to feel empowered with self belief; you will think positively and feel uplifted! Feel de music reaching deep inside you and drawing out all de sadness, all de fear!
"Let us try the next song: one, two three: I believe I can fly – louder! – I believe I can touch de sky!
"I think about it every night and day,
Hop on my broom and fly away…"
Van Dalen shuts his eyes tight as he becomes absorbed in the song- it is then that an idea strikes me.
"I believe I can soar,
I feel alive like never befor- or -ore!
I believe I can fly!"
So do I, Doctor, so do I… So enraptured by the melody, Van Dalen does not notice me draw my wand from my robes and cast a covert levitation charm; the little man begins to float slowly upwards amid his rousing chorus in a booming baritone.
" 'cause I believe in meeeeee- aaaaaaiiii!"
Opening his eyes, Van Dalen realises he is five feet in the air and shrieks in surprise. His look of shock is priceless. Lupin, who has been shaking with barely suppressed laughter, gives in and doubles up, holding his sides.
I smirk and let him fall with a plop into his chair. "Why the surprise, Doctor? Self belief- it can do wonders, you know."
Van Dalen smiles thinly, "I was unaware you had such a sense of humour, Zeverus."
"I prefer to call it a rapier wit, if you don't mind."
For a moment, my eyes meet Lupin's. He is smiling at me appreciatively. The fleeting impression that we are linked by something even as small as a common desire to see Van Dalen shaken, united against a common foe as it were, throws me off balance. I scowl reflexively at him, causing the smile to wither on his lips; he averts his eyes quickly.
"We will move on, I think," Van Dalen snaps, summoning back his song-words before handing us each a blank roll of parchment, quills and ink.
"You in particular will find this a challenge, Zeverus," Van Dalen tells me snidely, "as it is not something you will be accustomed to doing."
My response is a lazily lifted eyebrow.
"You will each think of and write down five compliments for the other. Consider them carefully. You have fifteen minutes after which time I will ask you to read them to each other.
"De aim of this is to share a mutually beneficial exercise guaranteed to help raise your self esteem; it is a most interesting exercise, as it often reveals to the participants attributes which they perhaps had not previously thought remarkable but others find admirable…."
Predictably, Van Dalen chooses me to shower Lupin with praise and compliments first. To my surprise, I found this task relatively easy compared to some of the other activities we have undertaken in therapy.
"Number One," Lupin gazes at me attentively, "Lupin has an amiable, good-natured disposition-" you see, I started out well, "-until the full moon, when he transforms into an amoral, bloodthirsty beast."
Both Lupin and Van Dalen look crestfallen. I press on, regardless.
"Number Two: at mealtimes in the Great Hall, Lupin, unlike some members of staff, refrains from scoffing all the bread rolls at my end of the table which is courteous of him." I was getting desperate by number two. "However his reserved appetite can no doubt be explained by the fact that he monthly gorges himself on human flesh.
"Number Three: Lupin is obviously secure enough in himself that he feels he does not feel the need to make an effort with his appearance.
"Number Four: Lupin's shabby, weather-beaten look is certainly a hit with the ladies. Why, just yesterday I heard Minerva (73 years old) comment on what a charming young man he is. And yet, since the loss of his partner, Sirius Black, poor Lupin has been unable to find himself another willing bedfellow. However, never one to be defeated, I am led to believe Lupin has found delightful company amongst the other beasts in the Forbidden Forest and is known to regularly engage in sexual acts with the local wildlife.
"And, Number Five: I think it admirable that Lupin has since withheld from taking another mate, realising that he is obviously jinxed since everyone he ever gets close to dies."
There is a silence which stretches out to uncomfortable lengths. Van Dalen is holding his head in his hands despairingly. Dear Lupin is actually looking quite livid.
"I give up," the werewolf mutters eventually. "I have tried to be civil to you, Severus. Merlin, I've tried being nice to you!" Lupin's voice is rising both in volume and in pitch, his balled fists shaking with barely suppressed rage. "I've defended you in front of colleagues, students, Harry, but all you ever do is throw it back in my face! You make insensitive, callous comments about my dead partner, you mock me for living a lifestyle that has been forced on me because the likes of you can't curb your ignorant prejudices, you even have the audacity to remind me of the friends I lost to Voldemort-" I flinch reflexively at the use of His name. "Voldemort," Lupin says it again, apparently enjoying my reaction, "the very same Voldemort whose service you were in for three years.
"You are childish and stubborn and inconsiderate and self-centred and arrogant and vicious and spiteful and I have had enough. Do you think I'm enjoying this any more than you? Having to sit here and listen to you repeatedly insult me week after week because I have the misfortune of being the easiest person to blame for the cesspit of misery that is your life? You complain, you criticise and you bully. And for all your superior intellect and self discipline and pure blood, all of which obviously leave you under the illusion that you are somehow better than me, you manage to miss the obvious fact that we're here because of you! This is your fault, your problem-"
"Now Remus," Van Dalen interjects, "we don't blame phobia sufferers for-"
"-and you're not even trying! It's you who needs to change, not me. I can't change! I'm stuck like this for the rest of my life- I'm dealing with it, you're not! Criticising me isn't going to make your fear go away- maybe it numbs it a little, takes the edge off because you can pretend for a moment that you have some power over me, but you don't, Severus, because I've had it with feeling guilty for what I am and its hard for me to feel guilty for what I've done to you in the past when you're acting like such an arse!"
On that note, Lupin finishes and continues to glare at me, flushed in the face and panting slightly. That I have managed to incense meek and mild Remus Lupin this much is surely quite a feat. I blink slowly, turn to Van Dalen, and smirking tell him: "You'll have to excuse him, Doctor, it's his PMS (Pre-Moon Syndrome, you know). He gets ever so cranky around this time of the month-"
A low growl escapes Lupin and I roll my eyes, "Down, boy."
Looking quite murderous, in a flash Lupin has drawn his wand and before I can react he has hexed me.
Van Dalen belatedly restrains Lupin and wearily reminds us that violence is not conductive to what we are trying to achieve in these sessions.
I open my mouth to protest but Van Dalen continues, "I don't want to hear it. I think you should both apologise to each other."
Lupin is sat mere inches away from me, fuming silently.
"I apologise," I concede, without a trace of sincerity.
Van Dalen eyes Lupin critically before releasing him from the body bind. The moment he is free of his invisible bonds, the werewolf rises to his feet.
"Remus?" Van Dalen cocks his head at Lupin who is moving towards the door.
"I'm sorry, Doctor, I-" Lupin mutters, fumbling with the door handle, his hands still trembling in indignation, "I refuse to stay and be subjected to this."
And with that, Remus Lupin storms out of the room.
Van Dalen watches him go resignedly. The door slams in its frame behind him and the sharp sound seems to suspend all others for time. Van Dalen watches me intently for a while.
"He didn't apologise to me," I remark haughtily to break the silence.
Van Dalen ignores this and says "I hope you're satisfied now."
"Amply." I only wanted to get a rise out of Lupin; his little tirade and stomping out of the room were both quite unexpected.
Van Dalen raises his wand causing me to tense for a moment, but he merely summons to him a roll of parchment which has been discarded on the floor.
Clearing his throat, the Doctor begins to read it aloud:
"Number One: Zeverus is a talented and dedicated teacher.
Number Two: He is intelligent and has a sharp sense of humour.
Number Three: Zeverus has a pleasing voice to listen to, even when he is complaining about Harry Potter/me/the world in general.
Number Four: He is a responsible and protective mentor to his Slytherins, the trust of whom is a testament to his understanding of them, which I think admirable.
Number Five: He has rather startling eyes."
Lupin's compliments….
"Have you anything to say?"
I pause thoughtfully.
"Do you know the counter curse for this?" I ask, gesturing at the electric blue tentacles which now replace my legs, courtesy of R J Lupin.
Van Dalen eyes my new tentacles for a moment then shakes his head.
I glare sourly at them and one rises up to slap me wetly on the cheek.
"Neither do I."
(1) This little insight into Wizarding Law with regards to the treatment of werewolves is based on Regulations of the Ministry - Werewolf Registry by Gwendolyn Grace.
AN: I know what you're thinking- almost a year of waiting for that. Hehe. We're just about half way through now, folks. We might even get to the slash before Book 7 comes out! I do sincerely apologise for the length of time readers have had to wait- hopefully it won't be so long until the next update! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and emailed me begging that I continue and to everyone who has offered criticism of the first chapter (the end of which has been altered slightly).
Oh, and I also apologise for allowing Van Dalen to mercilessly destroy James Brown's "I Feel Good" and R Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"- we've had a little chat and he's promised not to do it again.