Cliché #1: The Inter-Village Nin Auction

Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. This is fanfiction therefore you should not mistake this for canon. All likeness with existing people, fics, etc is by pure coincidence. So there! P

People, strangely dressed and even stranger in actions gathered before the wooden dais set in the forest clearing. A rather loud clearing of a throat had them hushed in seconds.

A man dressed in a maroon penguin suit stepped onto the stage, mike in hand and shouted.

"Welcome to the Inter-Village Nin Auction!"

The gathered crowd applauded wildly. "Each village sends a representative shinobi who will be auctioned off. Said shinobi must try to fulfill the buyer's wishes from the moment the nin is bought until tomorrow midnight. Proceeds shall go to the respective villages of the auctioned shinobi. Without further ado… LET THE AUCTION BEGIN!" The crowd cheers.

Let us fast-forward time to the moment we wish to see.

"And now from the village of Konoha!" The lights flickered out into total darkness.

Whisperings ran rampant in the crowd. No one knew who the Konoha representative was. Actually it was more like who in Konoha could be stupid enough to be persuaded to agree to getting sold-off. Sasuke, to the disappointment of many fangirls, was among the crowd present. So were Sakura and Ino, two of Konoha's prettiest girls. Lee, the taijutsu wonder, was also present. So were the byakugan users Neji and Hinata. So who …

"Uzumaki Naruto!!!"

Tittering and snickers went through the crowd, to be replaced by gasps when the spotlights hit the form of the said boy.

Naruto gaped at the large crowd, wearing a brown body hugging leather ensemble that somehow made you think of bondage and sex. Someone had thoughtfully wrapped a black, studded, dog collar around his neck and linked it to a shiny chain-leash. His blonde hair looked softer, longer and shinier than ever. The body glitters applied to his tanned, golden skin made him seem otherworldly—almost fairy like in appearance. Naruto's jaw snapped shut as he fidgeted nervously, his big blue eyes blink unbelievingly at the number of people present, a slight blush climbed over his cheeks and his glossed lips slightly part. Oversized earphones like Yo Asakura's covered his ears. What the hell? Kakashi never told me there would be so many people. And what the fuck are they staring at?

Naruto looked altogether too tempting.

Behind Naruto, pictures of him prepared specifically for this auction were flashed on-screen. Anruto in the leather ensemble with his eyes closed in bliss, licking an ice cream on a hot humid day that made him sweat and blush; Naruto, mouth wide open to receive a large piece of cake; Naruto winking over his shoulder, as he was sitting on chair, the top of his crack showing above his low-slung pants; and lastly, Naruto sleeping without a care in his bed clad only in boxers.

Some people in the crowd idly wondered if the baffled looking boy onstage understood what kind of "services" the presentation were hinting at. Some also wondered where th real Uzumaki Naruto was. Surely…? Some people on the other hand wondered if the boy's perverted senseis had anything to do with this idea. Perverts in the crowd sported nosebleeds and poofed away in a hurry.

Let us take a closer look at our friends' reactions shall we?

Sasuke, Neji and Gaara all wore the same stunned expressions and faint blushes. After reclaiming their senses they proceeded to thrash and threaten the perverts in the crowd who have not left.

Sakura had ranted on and on, on how Naruto stole Sasuke away and made him gay, at the unfairness of it all and of how she was by far prettier than Naruto, all the while blushing beet red, unable to tear her eyes away from the boy onstage.

Hinata could do no more than smile shyly, stare and blush.

From the pervy jounin whose idea this was though…

Jiraiya decided to use this idea for his next issue of Icha Icha Paradise.

Iruka felt a heavy hand clamp on his shoulder as he stared at the boy onstage who was so much like a younger brother to him in disbelief. The heavy hand was followed by its pair which landed on his left hip, pulling him backwards until he hit something warm and hard that prodded at the cleft between his lower cheeks. Kakashi's low sexy voice whispered in his ear. "Iruka…I need you." And with a whirl of leaves, they were gone.

"Let the bidding start at 1,500 yen!" the man onstage called out.

Chaos ensued.

After many Justus, curses, threats and far less bids, only three remained standing.

Uchiha Sasuke.

Hyuuga Neji.

And Sabaku no Gaara.

The three glared at each other. People, even the jounins, backed away in fear of the three anbu squad leaders.

"8, 500 yen." Neji bid, never taking his eyes off the two.

"12,000 yen." Counter-bid Sasuke as he glared at them both. "I will win this or I shall kill the winner and sace Naruto", he threatened.

Neji and Gaara remained unruffled by his threat.

Gaara snorted. "I'm stronger than you are, Uchiha. How can you kill me then?" He smirked at Sasuke.

"I can and I will for one is strongest when he is fighting for his precious person. And Naruto is my precious person", Sasuke snarled.

"As he is mine". Neji and Gaara snarled back.

The three men resumed their deadly glaring match, each one waiting for the others to make the first move. Unbwknownst to them a dark figure had taken advantage of the distraction they provided to steal the still confused blonde boy for rent.

But the man in the penguin suit saw this. He raised the alarm. "Hey--!!"

The three anbus turned around in alarm. "Naruto!" They chorused.

Naruto, rendered paralyzed by the strange jutsu cast on him by the figure, was stolen away by none other than …

"ITACHI!!!" Sasuke screamed in rage.

Itachi smirked down at the big blue eyes blinking up at him and smiled a decidedly perverted smile.

"I always had a thing for blondes in leather."

Et Fin

AN: Kakashi planned the whole thing coz he had noticed the attraction between Naruto and Sasuke. What he didn't know was that they were already together, or that others wanted Naruto. He wanted to bring Iruka away because, hey, this is Iruka were talking about! And because he was worried that Iruka would try to save Naruto and ruin his plans to get Naruto and Sasuke together.

Oh, and double meaning words seem to pop out everywhere in this pointless, plotless fic. Really. But you don't have to mind them!

Grr, does anyone else hate the way the QuickEdit thing totally disregards the type settings you followed in the html or document you uploaded. Grrr.

Ja and don't forget to review!