Remus learns that gone is by no means forgotten, as he casts his mind back to the night that changed everything. Mild slash.


Last Kiss


I still remember the night you went away.

It's strange how vivid the painful memories remain, but then, so do the beautiful. Like blood and roses. And when the image of your face is always silhouetted at the back of my mind, and your name still velvet and natural on my tongue, it makes it hard to forget. I'll be lying if I said I try, because I don't, since these bittersweet memories are all I have of you, amidst the wistful agony.


It was the night of Hallowe'en, and the dry air was cold, penetrated by a frost too chilly to be born of nature. Shafts of crescent moonlight slanted into our bedroom like pearly mist, the breath of an unearthly life.

You thought I was already asleep, but I wasn't. Werewolves never sleep in troubled times, and that's how I knew you lay awake the entire night, sleepless as I was. And as I listened to your soft, steady breathing, I wondered how such pretences found their way between us, that we both remained so solitary even in the same bed. It didn't used to be that way, being so near you yet so far, and it hurt, it really did.

You slipped out of bed soundlessly, your silent withdrawal echoing deafeningly in my ears.

"Where are you going, Sirius?" I asked quietly, still facing away from you. You started, drawing a sharp breath, and I could sense the guilt in your reaction without even turning around.

"It's nothing," you lied, convincingly enough, but you forgot it was me you were talking to. "Go back to sleep, Remus."

In the darkness, your voice sliced off a little part of me deep inside. It was the same evasive tone each time I asked you about James and Lily, the sudden shiftiness in your manner. I've been the subject of mistrust almost all my life, Sirius, but from you it was heartbreaking.

I opened my mouth to speak, then suddenly I realised that I didn't have anything to say, that I was tired of talking when I knew you weren't listening. Something had altered between us, Sirius, and it closed your mind and shuttered your heart, leaving me in the confused darkness inherent in my nature, which being with you almost made me forget.

Volumes of pain and silence and unspoken words settled between us, freezing over.

Finally I couldn't stand it any longer. I ventured forth tentatively, like walking on slippery ice, almost desperately grasping for reassurance just a whisper out of reach.

"Will you come back?"

My question was plaintive, heartfelt, and I never felt like I needed you more than at that moment, when you were leaving.

And then you smiled, the warmth of your sincerity melting away the icicles that covered the intangible distance between us, and for the briefest of moments it felt so right, like the way we used to be. I grappled with the precious feeling, unwilling to let it slip away as it ebbed and flowed, as you came near the bed and sat down close to me.

"Of course I will."

You sounded so confident, self-assured, like you always were, and naturally I believed you, like I always did.

I smiled at you, my most real and genuine smile in a long time, and watched a conflicting emotion flit briefly across your face, before you leaned forward and kissed me.

Your lips were warm as they brushed against mine, gentle yet possessive, firm but tender. My eyes fell closed as I surrendered to you, linking my arms behind your neck, pulling you closer to me, the physical intimacy almost filling the emotional void. And you responded, kissing me back, a rare passion rising in your lips, raw and exquisite like the first time we ever kissed.

When you pulled away, I was breathless, hungering for more. But I didn't show it, stifling my yearning within me, where it now still aches and burns for you. In the pale darkness, your eyes glittered silver in the moonlight, the colour of my need and your want, too heartfelt to be articulated, too intense to be silenced.

I knew you were waiting for me to say something, to speak my thoughts, to give voice to my feelings.

Would you have stayed if I asked you to?

Now I'll never know.

You finally smiled, your lips touched with sadness and melancholy, and you ran your fingertips lightly through my hair, smoothing it back, calming me with your feathery caresses. I closed my eyes, at a loss for words, and for one fleeting moment all that ran through my mind were images of warm sand against my back and sunlight on my face, and you.

You got to your feet noiselessly, gracefully, as if you were the one who had the blood of the untamed running through your veins. I lifted my face slightly to meet your steady gaze, and you trailed a finger along my jaw, stroking the pain and loneliness that would return in your wake.

No goodbyes, no I love yous. Just a look that said all those words and so much more in a poignant, meaningful glance, and with that you turned and walked away.

I didn't want to let you go.

But you still left, and you never looked back.


Now I wish I could keep my face toward the chilly wind, with the sand in my eyes, and not look back. It still hurts to look back, the shadows paved with memories of the times we shared, the sound of your laughter mingled with the reality of your betrayal, the taste of our last kiss still lingering in my mind.

It's no use remembering, but there's no way I can ever forget.


Will you come back?

Every night when I'm alone I still ask the question, shouting it wordlessly into an echoing silence that never answers.


Of course I will.

And you never kept your promise.



~~~