A/N: Yay! Finally a new fic that I hope that I shall not ever discontinue! Well anyway, this is my first real attempt at humor! Okay so you wanna know about my new fanfiction huh? So it's called Straight as an Arrow. It's all about how Kenshin is supposedly gay in Sanosuke's eyes and basically, the rurouni has to prove to the ex-gangster that he as no intention of ever displaying flagrant homosexual tendencies. How? Sanosuke wants his dear old buddy to sleep with someone (do you have a nosebleed yet?) That someone is none other than Kamiya Kaoru, the tomboyish kenjutsu instructor who can't cook to save her life. On top of that, Kenshin's only got a week to do it! How will he be able to seduce her and still keep his honor? Only time will tell.
Straight as an Arrow
Himura Kenshin. The terrifying Hitokiri Battousai, the flawless imperialist. Everything about him stopped men in their tracks and made their blood run cold… so since when had Kenshin lost all of his respect? Once he turned into a rurouni, that's when. Once he gave up killing did he begin to live his life in a whole new way. He had lived under the roof of the Kamiya Doujo soon after, basing most of his day on chores. It was the same exact routine everyday and the swordsman never really seemed to mind it much. In fact, it seemed to bother his friends a great deal more than it did him. A certain ex-gangster was the irritated one, to be more specific.
Sanosuke POV:
I was planning on heading over to Jou-chan's again. There's nothing really to do at the row house since it's so small and stuff. Besides, since I basically go over there to scrap and mooch off 'em for lunch, they probably wouldn't mind. So I left early in the morning. Hey, they might as well let me have breakfast too. Just as long as Jou-chan doesn't cook. Kenshin's food is probably a lot better and won't give me chronic stomachaches. Damn, the last time that I had breakfast over there, I was reelin' for about a week.
But that's not even the point. Kenshin cooking better than a woman is kinda weird to begin with… I mean…when the hell did he learn that kind of culinary skill? You'd think that he'd barely have time to shove food down his throat during the Revolution, but nooo. He can cook, clean, and do basically anything better than that tanuki. I don't get it. Did they switch sexes under my nose or something? Kenshin wears pink for Kami-sama's sake… and on top of that, he acts like he doesn't need any. You know…any… Geez, do I have to spell it out? Fine. S-E-X. Kenshin's probably haven't had any since…the Revolution and that alone is a scary thought.
Guys are different. Guys need to have it once in a while or else they'll lose concentration on certain things. Either that, or they'll just pour buckets of cold water on themselves for the rest of their lives. Kenshin could be doing that under our noses. Or maybe… he's visiting one of those… naw, can't be. He'd never let himself get caught in one of those sleazy places. Now Katsu's another story. Aah, Sagara…that's way off topic here. And anyway, Kenshin's too much of a goody-two-shoes. But I wouldn't put it passed the Battousai to do something like that…
See, Kenshin's just weird all around. On top of not getting any, he actually enjoys doing chores around the house. Enjoys it? Is he a man or a mouse? Itai…my head hurts just thinkin' about it. But he shouldn't do what Jou-chan asks all the time…and with a smile on his face twenty-four seven! You know I wonder if his face is gonna stay like that permanently seeing how he does it all the time. Well I wouldn't really be surprised if it was already stuck like that forever. But don't get me wrong here. I would much rather prefer his goofy smile and not that evil bloodsucking stare that Battousai can fish out at random. But even the Battousai doesn't enjoy chores like Kenshin does. Kami-sama…does he like fondling with inanimate objects?! Because if he seriously sees that as some kind of turn on, he has to be gay.
Gay. It…clicks, doesn't it? Kenshin could seriously be gay and just prance around the doujo as if no one notices a thing! Damn, it works! Aah, Sagara, you truly are one of the brightest around… But wait… I should hold off on praising myself for a couple minutes. If Kenshin really is gay…then what if he hits on Yahiko…or me? Oh crap, I don't wanna get too close then… but wait a second… he's been my friend for a year now and I can't just start avoiding him. So let's see… I guess I should… make him admit to it that he's… sprouting homosexual tendencies. Yeah so if I tell him, maybe he'll be honest and stuff and I won't have to make him freak out. And since I'm going there right now, I guess this is a good a time as any…
Kenshin was hanging up the laundry to dry when he smiled and looked up at the celestial blue sky. "I sure hope that I can finish this laundry before it rains this afternoon, that I do…" It was about noontime and everybody was starting to get hungry. Kenshin included. "I guess after the laundry is done, I'll see if I can round up some beef stew! I'm sure Miss Kaoru and Yahiko would enjoy that fully, that they most certainly would." He smiled contently at that thought, thinking about his two dear friends. Without them, he would feel rather alone and disregarded but thanks to their warm and generous hearts, he was cared for.
He reached into the washbasin, pulling out Kaoru's yukata. He started at its hue for a moment before putting it up to dry. It was a pretty light blue. Kenshin's eyes softened as he watched the garment flap in the wind. Sometimes, he wished very much that he could be as free as the wind and leave all of his troubles behind. Though he could not be as free as the wind, he made the best of things under the Kamiya Doujo, grateful to all of his friends…some being more irritating than others.
"Yo, Kenshin!" The irritating one screamed out, running through the gates. His red bandana swayed gently as he jogged over to Kenshin, who was smiling at the time. Typical. "What's up? Doing laundry again, huh?" He said as he pulled out a fishbone from his pocket and lazily shoved it in between his lips.
"Well, Sano, someone has to get it done and I certainly can't rely on Miss Kaoru to do it, that I can't."
"Why not? Isn't she the woman of the house?"
"You forget, Miss Kaoru let me stay in this doujo without having to pay anything. I feel obliged to do things for her because I wouldn't want to get away with having everything done for me. I am a guest in this house and I feel that I have to repay Miss Kaoru's kindness in everyway I can, that I do," he said as he pulled out another article of clothing. Sanosuke raised his eyebrows at his friend. He wasn't sure what to make of him. He was way too difficult to read.
Sanosuke POV:
I can't tell if he's gay or not now… He's goin' on about how he wants Jou-chan to be happy and stuff. Maybe he likes her or something. If he does, he really has a funny way of showing it. Or, maybe he's just grateful to her like he says. Oi…I don't know. If the guy really likes her, he'd better step up to the plate and be a man. If he doesn't tell her, he'll just rot away in his self-pity. See, if he were any kind of man, he'd get what he wanted and he'd do it fast. I don't know if I should help him…guys need to figure out how to do things on their own.
On second thought…he isn't suave at all…and could probably use a little guidance. When it comes to women, he's a real idiot, probably more of one than I am…and that's really saying something. But anyways, Jou-chan won't be single forever and if Kenshin's gonna do this, he'd better do it fast… that's it. I can't just ignore a desperate guy. He needs help. And if he doesn't want this help, then he'll definitely be gay. Yeah. This'll be a little test… Damn I'm good.
"Hey, Kenshin…"
"Yes, what is it?"
"With all this stuff that you're sayin' about Jou-chan…" Sanosuke paused and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "I'm gettin' the impression that you like her or something…" Kenshin's eyes widened almost immediately, hands covering his nose. Sanosuke scoffed as he watched his best friend start to have a nosebleed right in front of him. Soon enough, he regained composure and his clueless violet eyes were back in full swing. "Oi…you don't have to pretend to be all innocent. I mean, I'll bet that you've made love to a woman before, right?"
Kenshin put a hand up to his head. He shut his eyes and nodded reluctantly, causing the taller man to shriek in delight. "Yes, but that was a very long time ago, Sano…" Kenshin breathed, trying his best to push back all of those nostalgic memories during the Revolution. That part of his life was over and done with.
"Who cares! At least you've gotten somewhere! Now all you have to do is admit that you like Jou-chan!" Sanosuke started to laugh heartily while Kenshin felt another nosebleed coming on.
Kenshin POV:
Sanosuke sure is acting strange today. First, he decides to show up early and uninvited and now he's asking about my sex life. I don't really see how any of this is his business… I mean, what I did was done and there's no way that I can go back and change any of it now. What I did with Tomoe shouldn't be any business of Sanosuke's, no matter how much I see him as a friend. And I don't understand why he wants to know about it.
And on top of all that, he wants me to admit that I have feelings for Miss Kaoru! Maybe Sano drank too much last night and is still drunk… Orooo… that's actually very possible, that it is. But enough of that. I don't have to tell him that I like Miss Kaoru. I've liked her for a very long time, that I have. True enough, she should know how I feel but I don't think that I should tell her just yet. And I don't think that I should tell Sanosuke either. With a mouth that big, he'll be sure to tell everyone that he knows…and then some.
I know that keeping this little secret is wrong of me. I even surprise myself though. I never thought that I'd ever keep such a secret from anyone but here I am, hiding how I feel for Miss Kaoru. I'll tell her eventually but I think that it'll be safer to let her know without my 'best friend' around. He can be very nice at times but there are certain points where I feel like Saitou and want to kill him!
"Sano, I don't think this is a very good topic to discuss right now. I mean, Miss Kaoru is inside after all and if she hears this, she could think that I really do li--"
"Cut the crap, Kenshin! It's written all over your face," Sanosuke cried, pointing directly at Kenshin's nose. "You're twenty-eight-years-old and that's old enough to be considered a man. Men should know what they want by now! You love and want Jou-chan! If you don't admit to it, then you've got issues to work out! You should be straight with yourself!" Kenshin raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, you heard me! If you really expect people to take you seriously, at least prove that you're straight first!"
"Excuse…me?" Kenshin inquired, feeling rather insulted.
"Okay, bud. This isn't easy but I have to know…if you're…you know…" Kenshin waited for his comrade to finish his sentence, obviously losing him. "Damn it, Kenshin! What are you stupid?"
"Sano, I don't know what I did to make you act this way but I--"
"It's what you're NOT doing! You're making my brain hurt, baka yarou! Why'd you think that I came over here and asked you all these questions? You thought I did it for my health or something? Well there's a reason, Kenshin!" Sanosuke paused and pulled the fishbone out of his mouth, calming himself down. Getting worked up over his best friend's questionable sexuality was something that he found to be a waste of time and sobriety. However, he wanted to know the answer. THE answer. "Kenshin…I seriously think you're gay…" The ex-gangster muttered lethargically. Kenshin's jaw dropped. "Well come on! You find laundry to be enjoyable, you like to cook, and to top it all off, you claim that you don't want Jou-chan! A kind of man like that can only be gay!"
"Sano, that really isn't true!" The rurouni pouted. "I only do these chores because I only want to help out around the doujo!"
"Sure, sure. That and the fact that you totally DON'T like Jou-chan, right?" Sanosuke inquired, placing a hand onto his hip. "Prove me wrong then! Admit that you like her!"
"Sano…I don't…"
"That's a cock-and-bull excuse. You know you take the easy way out. Running away from all of the problems in your life is a pretty stupid way to deal with things." Kenshin sighed heavily. There was no way that he was going to get out of that conversation alive. Either that, or he'd end up telling Sanosuke the truth about how he really felt. "A guy like you wanders into this roomy doujo, finds a cute kenjutsu instructor there, and does nothing about it…sounds like gay to me."
"I'm not! Maybe I'm not so good when it comes to Miss Kaoru but I care about her, that I do." Sanosuke grinned. He had Kenshin right where he wanted him. Now all he had to do was wait for the slip of the tongue and then he would have his answer right in front of him. And as long as Kenshin prepared to defend himself, Sanosuke would get his answer. "Miss Kaoru is unlike any other woman that I've ever met. She is kind and compassionate. How could someone not fall in love with her?" And there was the Freudian slip.
Kenshin's eyes widened. He had realized what he had said…to Sanosuke of all people. "Aah, I didn't mean…that…that I didn't…" Kenshin said slowly, heat creeping to his cheeks.
"Well whaddya know? You're a man after all!" Sanosuke said, patting Kenshin on the back. Apparently it was a form of 'congratulations.' Kenshin put a hand up to his head again. "Hey, I'm not gonna tell her. You have to do that for yourself." Kenshin's heart pounded. "You heard me."
"But Sanosuke…you misunderstood me… I didn't mean to say that I was in love with Miss Kaoru. What I meant to say that it is hard to not fall in love with such a potent spirit. She is quite a courageous girl, that she is."
"Okay, that's it. You're gay."
"No!"
"Oh yeah? Then let's see, Mr. Swordsman. How 'bout you…sleep with someone…then I'll believe everything you say!" Kenshin's reaction happened to be along the lines of an endless stream of 'oros,' Sanosuke hardly being surprised by said reaction. "Come on, if you agree to this bet and if you win, I'll admit that you're a straight guy. If you don't go through with this, I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut about you being gay and all…"
"This really isn't my day, that it isn't…"
"Come on! What do you have to lose anyways?"
"My pride! My honor! Ever think of that, Sanosuke?" The brunette scratched and shook his head. Of course he had possessed none of those things, seeing how he was with a different woman every two or three weeks. "And what did I do to deserve something like this anyway? I thought that you were a good friend of mine!"
"I am, Kenshin! I'm doing this for your own good! You can't keep hiding in a shell and waiting for the women to come to you! No pun intended by the way…" The ex-gangster remarked with a grin that only made Kenshin smack his face with his hand. Kenshin understood full well his friend's wry joke. Nevertheless, he wanted to be no part of the sick deal. "Come on, man. I don't know how much longer I can keep my mouth shut. And hell, people'll be interested in finding out that their savior of Japan is actually gay…"
"Fine! I'll do it! Just shut your mouth!" Kenshin pleaded. He didn't want to do it but Sanosuke left him no choice. Besides, he really did want to be touched… it had been a very long time for him. "Just promise that you'll agree to our terms…if you win, you get to call me…gay…and if I win, you have to admit that I'm straight and have to drop the subject…" Sanosuke nodded and the two men noticed that Kaoru suddenly walked out with her broom, about to sweep the doujo.
"Perfect timing, Kenshin! How about Jou-chan? Yeah, she's the one that you have to sleep with for our deal…she's the one, okay? Oh yeah, and I'm giving you a week to do it…" Kenshin looked over at Kaoru and covered his nose again. ---
A/N: I hope that was humorous enough for all of you! Oh yeah and I use those page breakers to indicate that the POV is finished...most of the time, so I hope that's not confusing!
Uh oh, Kenshin really got himself into hot water now. How indeed will he go through with this bet of all bets?! Please review! Thanks a lot guys!!
Son Christine