Pointless Noize: Awww…sniff All of your nice reviews made me so happy. I love you all. ANYWAY, due to popular demand, I am going to keep the slashy flavoring of the story. Even when I just started writing this, I knew this was gonna have some kind of twisted slash subplot. Hopefully, slash does not offend any of you. If it does then, well, deal with it. Oh, and for those who don't know, slash is a male/male pairing. Since they're only 9, it's going to be extremely light. So if you're gonna flame me, at least put something constructive in it. Thank you. Oh, and I got my first fanart for the fic! It's from Mr. Baka, an authoress here. She's more commonly known as Kirya, and a link to her art can be found in my bio. Go see it. FANART! SQUEE!
Disclaimer: If you think I own South Park, then I pity you. I really do.
Kyle, along with the rest of his friends, was extremely confused. Craig? Help? Them? Token spoke, ending the awkward silence.
"It is alright if we help, right?" he asked. Cartman was the first to snap out of the trance.
"Why would you want to help…?" he asked skeptically. Craig answered.
"Because we don't want you guys losing a bet to a bunch of…girls." He wrinkled his nose in disgust. Behind him, Tweek nodded feverously. Craig continued, "Only real men, like ourselves, should be considered champions of anything, even sissy Girl Scout awards."
Butters blinked. "Y-you would help us? Really? Aw, shucks, t-that sure is nice of ya, and all…"
Kyle poked Stan on the shoulder and whispered in his ear, "I don't know if we should trust them. This is Craig, after all…" Kyle's worries were met with agreement by Stan, who nodded his head in reply. Cartman, however, was already agreeing to let them help, and once Cartman decided something, there was no changing his mind. It seemed they would be stuck with Craig and his band of misfits.
"So," Cartman began, getting right to the point, "what do you have in mind?" Craig smirked, and Tweek twitched.
"C-Craig is smirking! Oh God, oh Jesus, this is bad! We're gonna get in soooo much trouble!" he yelled frantically.
"Don't worry, Cartman, my plan is full proof," Craig assured him. He leaned in, and began whispering in his ear, and the more he said, the more Cartman's grin grew.
Wendy fumed, mumbling and cursing as the girls continued their march towards houses, trying to sell some more cookies for their troop. Sadly, their efforts were in vain, because the last few blocks had experienced Wendy's rage. Every time they would knock on a door, Wendy would start screeching about Kyle stealing her boyfriend, thus resulting in the house's owner not answering said door. And this was seriously pissing Bebe off.
"I mean, who does Kyle think he is! Cuddling up to Stan like that when Cartman started yelling, it makes me sick! I mean, Stan is straight; he's even going out with me again! Kyle is such a conniving little--" Wendy was silenced by Bebe's hand.
Hand still firmly placed over Wendy's mouth, Bebe began to speak. "Wendy? Seriously? Calm down."
Wendy fumed. "I am calm! I've never been calmer in my entire life!" Bebe rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, you're calm, alright. And I'm dating the Anti-Christ."
Somewhere, a little British boy's head perked up, confused.
"Alright, I'll admit it, I am a little upset." Bebe raised an eyebrow.
"A little?"
"Alright, very upset. But you would be too, if your boyfriend's best friend was a faggy little whore!"
"Uh, Wendy, I think you're forgetting that Kyle dated me. And I'm a girl. Girl plus guy equals straight," she explained in a slow, calm voice, as if Wendy was a retarded child.
"Uh, right. Hehe, whoops."
Bebe decided it was safe to continue their mission, and the girls successfully sold a few more boxes of cookies, blissfully unaware of the horror that awaited them.
"So what is this place called?" asked Stan.
"I told you, it's called "The Inferno," and it's the BEST strip club around." Craig scoffed, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.
Kenny smirked. "It's my favorite one."
Butters flinched. "B-but fellas, I don't see how this is gonna help us. Are we trying to sell the strippers cookies? C-cause my mom said strippers only eat white gravy, whatever that is..."
"Shut up, bitches. We're here." Cartman's voice was filled with excitement. He already had a good feeling about this.
They had reached a large building down town. Music vibrated (haha, pun) from the inside. Young men were entering the club at an extremely fast pace. There was a large, muscled man with dark glasses guarding the door, checking for ID's. Cartman spun around and pointed a pudgy finger at Craig.
"You didn't tell us we needed ID's, butt-pirate! Now what are we gonna-" Token tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at the bouncer.
Kenny had walked over to him and started talking. He pointed to his friends and said something that made the bouncer laugh. He walked back over, a grin visible even through his parka.
"C'mon. We're allowed inside." Kyle gaped.
"How did you-what did you-huh?" Kenny laughed.
"I know that guy. His name is Frank, and he usually works here around one, but he switched shifts with Steve today." Stan raised an eyebrow.
"How exactly do you know him?" Kenny smiled wide. "I come here every Friday."
Stan was taken aback."Oh."
"Enough talking! We need to put my brilliant plan into action!" said Cartman. Craig raised an eyebrow.
"You're plan?" Cartman rolled his eyes.
"Fine, our plan. Happy now? Good. C'mon!"
As they strolled inside, many strippers greeted Kenny, commenting on how nice he looked and how they weren't positive for AIDs, so he had nothing to worry about. Kenny's calm demeanor was completely opposite of his friends'. Tweek was twitching violently, Token was staring politely at the ground, Stan and Kyle had suddenly decided to "learn" and were constantly saying "What's that for?", Butters was expressing his beliefs that Strip clubs "weren't very nice", Craig was being Craig and ignoring the whole thing, and Cartman was…missing.
"Where the hell is Cartman!" Stan had to shout to be heard over the noise of the club.
"Over there!" Craig shouted back, and he pointed to a door towards the rear of the club. It looked like some sort of office. Cartman was banging on the door, trying to force himself inside. Kenny sighed and walked over, shaking his head and saying, "Eric, you moron."
"What are you doing, Cartman?" He looked over at his hooded friend and replied, "Talking to the manager."
"Uh-huh."
"I AM!"
"Right. How about you let me do the talking?" Cartman frowned.
"……Fine. But hurry up! We don't have all day!" Kenny banged on the door three times, paused, and hit it once more. The door slowly opened, allowing Kenny to swiftly walk inside, before it shut again. Several moments later, he emerged, and happily told everyone that the manager had agreed.
Craig, who had walked over with everyone else, smirked. "Now all we have to do is get the girls over here."
Kyle, being the smart one, pointed out a flaw. "How are we going to get them here? It's not like they go to strip clubs all the time." Craig opened his mouth, but quickly shut it.
"Uh, good question." Cartman stifled a giggle.
"I know what'll get Wendy over here…" He turned his gaze to Stan and Kyle. They gulped.
"No, Cartman, no fucking way."
"Aw, c'mon! You don't have to really do it! Just…pretend!"
Kyle pulled on Stan's shirt. "Stan, w-what does he want us to do?" Stan clenched his fist.
"You now how jealous Wendy gets. He wants us to…pretend to…kiss…or something…right?" Cartman allowed himself to giggle at this.
"Yep!" Kyle visibly paled. Craig had a thoughtful look on his face.
"That could work…yeah, that'll definitely work!" Butters looked around, confused.
"W-what's so weird about two guys k-kissin'?" Thankfully, no one heard him, for they were too busy forcing Stan and Kyle into a back room. Kenny was pushing them the hardest, and instructing them on what to do.
"Now we want this to sound convincing, so make sure you say each other's names a lot, and pant or something when you do. Knock something over so it sounds like you're moving around a lot, and make sure you--"
"Jesus, Kenny, how do you know all of this!" Before Kenny could reply, Cartman gave them one final push, and the two fell into the small room.
"Tweek and I will go tell Wendy," Craig said. "You guys finish setting up here." They ran out of the club and began searching the streets for the girls, while Cartman and Token started moving items around in the club. Kenny had his ear pressed to the door where Stan and Kyle were, and was trying to listen. He would occasionally inform them that they were "doing it wrong." Luckily, none of the adults noticed or cared, and some actually found amusement in watching the strange children.
Thank God for drunk adults.
After a brief period of searching, Craig heard a screech that sounded suspiciously like Wendy's. It turned out it was Wendy, along with Bebe and the others, and Wendy had lost all composure and was once again fuming. Perfect timing…
The boys casually walked up, and Craig tapped Wendy on the shoulder. "Hey Wendy!" She spun around, her eyes bright with rage.
"Fuck off!" Craig gave her a worried look.
"I just wanted to tell you something about Stan…" Her anger turned to concern in a heartbeat. Can you say "bi-polar"?
"What's wrong! Is he okay! TELL ME!" He glanced at Tweek, giving him his cue. They needed panic, and no one was better at that then Tweek.
"IT WAS A-AWEFUL! I told them to s-stop twitch I d-did GAH! But they d-didn't AHH listen!"
Wendy gasped. "Didn't stop what! WHAT!" Tweek twitched and continued his rant.
"Stan said 'N-no Kyle! STOPPIT!' But K-kyle just k-kept on, and t-then S-stan gave in, and they ran in t-the closet, and-and-and THEY'RE MAKIN' OUT!" He waved his arms in the air to emphasize his point. Wendy was close to tears.
"W-what? S-stan is g-g—GAY! WAAAHHH!" She wailed, her eyes spilling out tears. Bebe grabbed her and patted her shoulder.
"There there, it's okay." Wendy suddenly stopped crying, and her eyes bugged out.
"Where…is he?" she whispered. Craig smiled.
"A strip club…downtown. Why?" He put on his "perplexed" face.
"Show me! NOW." Bebe tensed up.
"Uh, Wendy? Are you…okay?" Wendy gave her best friend a devilish grin.
"Like I said before…I've never been calmer."
What could they have planned? Heh, only I know… Muwahahahaha-cough. Ahem. Trust me, though, it'll be good. Read, review, and give any advice! It's most appreciated. Thank-you!