Quote of the Day: May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin

Well, here it is. The last chapter to HOLY RA! Kinda sad, isn't it? Well, I decided it was time to end it. In other words, I ran out of ideas. (Sweatdrop) But this chapter is still plenty crazy and I think it's a decent ending. If, maybe, a little disturbing.

Note: I hope you've all seen/read or at least are familiar with the Lord of the Rings. Because this chapter has a bit of a parody in it. ; And yes, I have read the Bored of the Rings parody…

Disclaimer: Still don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! Or anything. But I do own this fic…Just not the characters…Wait, the cue-card guy and the director are mine…But that's it.

HOLY RA!

---Chapter 5: Loser of the Rings---

"What's wrong?!" Yami cried, leaping off of the tomb robber and to his priest's side.

Set shrugged. "No, I mean I just woke up and saw you two mauling each other…it was just a tad disturbing, y'know?"

Bakura sauntered over and plopped down next to Set, throwing an arm around the priest in the process. "Well that's a relief. I thought you really saw Ra. Then I'd be in trouble."

"Why's that?" Set asked, a bit absentmindedly, as he was more concerned with getting Bakura's arm off of him then with what the thief was saying.

"Well, because I'm a tomb robber, love. The gods tend to frown upon acts of 'desecration,' and 'disrespecting the dead' and all that rubbish."

"Rubbish? Love?" Yami stressed the last word, seemingly spitting it out of his mouth as if it tasted bad. "Sounds like you're turning into your British counterpart."

"Speaking of, where'd they go?" Bakura asked.

"The genie sent them back to the future."

Set and Bakura both said "Ahhhh," at the same time.

"Too bad. I'm really gonna miss them," Bakura said, snuggling closer to Set.

That's when Set snapped. "That's it! I'm putting you under arrest!"

Bakura jumped away at once. "What?!"

"You're the tomb robber Bakura. The one we've been searching for. Why else do you think we were in the middle of the desert for?"

Yami nodded. "He's right. We got so caught up in all this madness that we forgot our true mission. Not only have you robbed several tombs of respectable Egyptian citizens, but you stole the Millennium Ring, killing a High Priest of the Pharaoh. This is a serious offense."

"I didn't kill him…" Bakura said, with a dry, and perhaps nervous, chuckle.

His attempt to shift the blame from his shoulders was met by the cold stares of an irritated High Priest and an aggravated Pharaoh.

"Well I didn't…" Bakura muttered again.

"Really?" Yami asked sarcastically. "Well then what did you do to him?"

The thief grunted. "You automatically assume I did something to your precious priest."

"That's because you did do something to him!" Set snapped, holding the Millennium Rod to the thief's throat. "Now tell me or I'll make you tell me."

At this, Bakura grinned. "Make me, heh? Well, I just might tell you. Depending on what you have in mind…" His hand reached out to grope the priest.

Set pushed down on the Millennium Rod, cutting off Bakura's windpipe. "By taking over your puny little mind with my Millennium Item."

"Uhh…Set?" Yami asked, watching as the thief went blue from lack of air. "I think you'd better let him breathe…He's gonna die before he confesses…"

Set reluctantly removed the Rod from the thief's throat.

Falling to his knees as sweet air rushed to his oxygen-deprived lungs, the tomb robber looked up through his thick white bangs at the priest. "Fiesty, aren't ya?"

Set hit him over the head with the Rod.

"Owww! Reeeealy feisty." A smirk.

"Yami!" a distressed Set turned to his Pharaoh. "Make him stop! He's…smirking at me!!!"

Yami, however, was also smirking.

"Gah! That's it, I'm leaving! I'm going back to the palace and you two can just sit here and rot in the sun for all I care!" With that, he stomped off.

Leaving the two smirking fools.

Oh my…This doesn't bode well…

--

Meanwhile, Malik, the palace janitor, was following the priest and the Pharaoh out into the desert. How? Well, let's just say Yami liked to be prepared and made a map beforehand. Unfortunately, the spiky Pharaoh was rather scatter-brained and had left the map on his bed. Where Malik found it.

"I'm going to find them and rob them!" Malik whispered harshly to the shiny ring he had found in the Pharaoh's chambers. "Yes, yes we will. Yesss, my Preciousssss…" He petted the ring and pulled out the map. "This map is very poorly drawn." Indeed, it was. The lines were all squiggly and Yami had colored the Nile in purple. But as long as the map was accurate, the smiling sun and the dancing palm trees on the map didn't matter.

"I shoulda brought a camel…" Malik mused a bit later. There aren't even any footprints to follow. I shoulda brought one of those bloodhound camels. Yeah."

A few hours later, Malik had nearly collapsed from exhaustion and dehydration. "Waaaaaateeeer…Need….water! Precious…"

Just as he was about to black-out, a pair of sandaled feet swam into vision. "Hey," a deep yet familiar voice asked. "Aren't you the palace janitor?"

Malik looked up to see the blue-eyed priest – the one he had tried to rob. He tried to say that yes, he was, and he was also going to rob you, but all that came out was a hoarse, "Water…"

Set nodded. "Oh, I know how that is." He pulled out the canteen that they had gotten from Marik and held it to the parched janitor's lips.

Malik snatched the canteen and drank it all in two gulps, stopping between the two to mutter, "Precious."

The High Priest noticed this muttering, however. "Precious? What are you talking about?"

"It's mine!" Malik shouted, falling backwards. "It's mine. My own. My…precious…"

Set spotted the ring on his finger and gasped. "Not the Ring of 3VILN355!" (AN: Umm…Forgive my 1337ness…3VILN355 is 1337 for Evilness. AH, the P0W4 0F 1337…)

(Off set, the cue-card guy was yelling that it was the One Ring. The director smacked him and said that they didn't want to get sued. He also reminded him that the only ones who had been able to see them so far were Marik and Horus, who was at the moment drinking a strawberry milkshake with a little umbrella in it in the heavens. Or wherever.)

"MINE!" Malik spat.

"It must be destroyed!" Set said urgently. "You must toss it into the fires from whence it came; the fires of Mount Dues ex Machina!" (AN: Let's face it. I'm a nerd.)

"NO! NOT THE PRECIOUS!"

Suddenly, a loud screeching came from overhead. The two looked up to see nine black creatures that looked a lot like the Ringwraiths from the Lord of the Rings, but were completely different. Yup, these guys were actually Ringwaifs and they worked for the evil lord Soretooth, the dark lord who created the Ring of Evilness.

One Ringwaif swooped down and grabbed Set.

"Run, Malik!" Set cried. "You mustn't let them have the Ring! Find Yami!"

The Ringwaifs, however, didn't seem to hear the priest. Either that, or they were too stupid to realize what the flailing priest had said.

"Ok, we got him," Ringwaif One said. "Let's go bring the Ring to Soretooth and end this before LOTR gets butchered even more."

So they flew off, leaving Malik in the desert. With an evil ring of power. Smart.

--

"Now look what you've done!" Yami spat at the tomb robber.

Said tomb robber wiped the spit from his face. "So kind of you to share your royal saliva," the thief muttered. "But please. Heed the old proverb. Say it, don't spray it."

"You chased him off!" the fuming Pharaoh fumed, ignoring him.

"Did not."

"Yes you did. You were smirking at him!"

Bakura shook his head. "No I wasn't."

"Yes. You were."

"Prove it."

"…" The thief had him. "Ok then, if you weren't smirking at him, who were you smirking at? Me?"

Tomb Robber shook his head fiercely. "Never."

"Then who?"

He smirked. "The scorpion climbing up your robes."

"The…What?" Yami shrieked and jumped onto Bakura. "Get it off! GET IT OFF! GETITOFFAMEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Bakura fell under the Pharaoh's weight. "No, you get off ME!" He pushed Yami off him, but the shrieking Pharaoh grabbed his leg.

"No, please get it off!" Yami cried.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "It was a joke, Highness. There's no scorpion."

"There's…What?!"

"Not the brightest, are you?" Bakura idly dusted off his tattered robes. "Next time you try to jump me, make sure you don't claw so hard. I think you left marks…"

Yami's focus, however, wasn't on the ranting thief.

"What?" Bakura asked the blank-faced Pharaoh.

"Sc-Sc-Scorpion!"

Bakura then shrieked like a little girl. "YEEEEEEEK!" He jumped onto the Pharaoh. "Save me! SAVE ME!"

Yami fell down laughing. "HA! Gotcha!"

"Huh?" the bemused thief asked. "You mean…There's no…scorpion?" Bakura glared down at the Pharaoh. "NOT funny!"

Yami was still laughing. "Oh, but I think it was."

"It so was not."

Now Yami was once again staring off into space, a serious expression plastered over his once laughing face.

Bakura rolled his eyes. "You're not gonna fool me again."

Yami blinked and shook his head. "No…That's not it…"

"You can drop the act; I'm not falling for it."

"NO!" Yami stared up at him, dead serious. "I just got this…feeling."

"What…feeling?"

The Pharaoh took a deep breath. "I think Set's in trouble. It's like I can hear his voice calling out for help. My help."

Bakura shrugged. "Ok. Let's go help him then."

"What?!" Yami looked intently at the tomb robber. "You're gonna believe me? Just like that?"

Bakura stared back, just as serious. "Why not. You look serious. And I know you wouldn't joke about a thing like you're favorite priest's safety." He grinned. "I believe you."

"Bakura…" He grinned back. "I'm touched."

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't get used to it. "We're enemies, remember?"

"How could I forget?"

And so they set off together to defeat the great evil that would dare take prisoner the Pharaoh's favorite priest.

…They didn't have to go far before they met someone with some 'valuable' information.

"…And then this guy on this big, black bird thing swooped down and captured him, just like this!" Malik motioned with his hands, nearly hitting Bakura in the face.

Yami sighed. They had spent some time now listening to the delusional janitor. "Come on, Bakura," he said, getting up. "Let's go find Set."

The tomb robber got up. "I didn't know we were on a first name basis," he said with a smirk. "Yami."

"But I'm not done yet," Malik whined.

"You're insane!" Yami muttered.

"He does rather look like Marik though," Bakura mused. "Only with spikier hair. And a stretcher face." To prove this last statement, he grabbed Malik's nose and pulled, watching closely as it stretched a foot or so from the janitor's face until snapping back.

"Exactly," the impatient Pharaoh said. "Would you really trust someone with a stretchy face?"

"Yes. Actually, yes. I would."

"You're just saying that to spite me…"

"No! I would! It's cool!"

"That doesn't make it true, you moron!"

"His story makes sense, though!"

"No it doesn't!"

"Well, Pharaoh, honestly, does anything in this story make sense anymore? Did it ever?"

"Uhh…story?"

Bakura nodded and turned to wave at the cue-card guy and the director, both of whom were desperately trying to cover up the crack in the fourth-wall. It wasn't working. The thief reached over and grabbed a smoothie from Horus's hand.

Malik and Yami stared at the newly-appeared smoothie. "Where'd THAT come from?!"

Bakura merely shrugged and sipped his smoothie.

"Cut!" the director yelled from behind the wall. "Someone wanna get him outta here? We've suffered too much fourth-wall damage as it is!" Suddenly, he had a Scottish accent. "She can't take much more, Cap'tin!" (AN: I'm a bit of a Trekkie. Hopefully you all know Scottie…)

Horus, who was angry at the thief for stealing his drink, leapt at the chance. He snapped his fingers and a bolt of lightning turned the tomb robber into a pile of ash. Then he got a new smoothie.

On the other side of the fourth-wall, Yami fell to his knees before the still-smoldering pile of ash that was formerly known as the proud tomb robber Bakura. "BAKURA!" he cried out in agony, wiping a stray tear from his eye. Then he stood up and kicked the pile of ash over. "You deserved it, you disrespectful piece of scum!" He grabbed Malik. "Let's go save my priest!"

And so the two heroes ventured across the desert, a journey that normally would have taken days, surely weeks, but thanks to the magic of fanfiction, only took about five minutes.

"How do we know where we're going?" Yami asked.

Malik grinned and held up a map. "The Ringwaifs dropped this! Cool, huh?"

Yami snatched the map from the janitor's grasp. "But…There's no scale! No landmarks…No compass…How do we know when we'll get there?"

"We're here."

"What? How do you know?"

Malik pointed to a large blinking neon pink sign that read "Lord Soretooth's Secret Hide-Out!"

"Ooooh. How convenient."

The two charged in, expecting many armed guards, but met only the nine Ringwaifs playing poker and conveniently unarmed. Yami sent them to the Shadow Realm.

They charged deeper into the castle, meeting none but a few Dorks, who were quickly disposed of in a similar fashion as the Ringwaifs.

Finally, without getting lost (conveniently so) they made it to the throne room of the castle. In a pile at the dark lord's feet, lay an unconscious Set.

"Set!" Yami cried, lunging forward, but Malik held him back.

"Highness," the janitor whispered to the Pharaoh. "He wants the Ring. What shall I do with it?"

"The Ring?" Yami asked, confused. He looked at the janitor's finger and recognized the piece of jewelry. "Ooooh, that!" He paused. "Hey, how did you get that? It was in MY chambers…"

"Uhh…The internet!" Malik covered quickly.

"Yami shrugged. "Whatever. All's ya gotta do is toss it in Mount Dues ex Machina." Yami pointed to a bubbling volcano. "Toss it into the hot nacho cheese from whence it was forged!"

Malik sweatdropped. "Nacho cheese?"

"Well, yes, what did you expect?!"

"Ummm…Fire…Maybe, y'know, lava…"

Yami shook his head impatiently. "Nope, not here. Now quickly! Do it! I must save Set!" And so Yami bravely dashed forward, rushing to his unconscious priest's side.

Malik shrugged and headed over to Mount Dues ex Machina.

--

"Set!" Yami shook the priest's shoulder. "Set!"

A deep rumbling laugher issued from the throne at the front of the room. "I'm afraid he won't wake. Not until you hand over the Ring of 3VILN355!"

Yami paused. "Is there any other way that he'll wake?"

"Well…" the deep voice from the shadows of the throne contemplated, "I supposed you could kill me."

"…And I would do that how?"

"Well, you'd have to throw the Ring of 3VILN355 into the nacho cheese of Mount Dues ex Machina, of course. But either way, you'd need the Ring."

Yami smirked. "Well then, prepare to die!"

"You mean, you have the Ring?"

"Noooo, but my accomplice does! And he should be tossing the Ring into Mount Dues ex Machina right about…" He paused to count. "Three, two, one…NOW!" Yami raised a fist in victory and waited for the agonizing screams of the dark lord as he was ripped apart from the insides.

Nothing happened.

Yami started sweating. "Come on, Malik, anytime now…"

--

It wasn't really a mountain. More like a…hill. Not even. It was just a very small pile of sand with a pool of nacho cheese in it. Mmmm….cheese….Malik reached a finger out to the cheese. "Ow! That's hot!" He lifted the cheese-covered finger to his mouth. "Yuuuuum! That's good!"

The Ring then slipped off his finger and into the hot nacho cheese.

"NOOOO! PRECIOUSSSSS!!!!" Malik jumped in after it. Screaming in agony and ecstasy, he clutched the Ring in his last dying moments before both he and the Ring melted to become one with the nacho cheese. "Preciousss…."

--

"NOOOOOOO!" the dark lord screamed from the shadows. "The Ring! The Ring! It's been destroyed! I am doomed!"

Yami smirked. "Yes! Go Malik!"

The shadows at the throne began to move as a figure appeared out of them. It was a man. Tall. Thin. Galsses. Buckteeth. A nerd. (AN: I am not making fun of nerds. I just thought who better to be an evil lord than a nerd?)

"What?!" Yami shouted in disbelief. "You're the Dark Lord Soretooth?!"

Soretooth snorted. "Of course. What were you expecting?"

Yami shrugged. "But wait! Shouldn't you be dead…or something?"

Soretooth smirked. "Apparently not."

"But…They said…You said…Cheese…" Yami stopped to think. How would he defeat such a formidable foe? Stupid Soretooth. Soretooth. Wait. Soretooth. Sore tooth. No, it couldn't be that easy…

…could it?

Yami shrugged and decided to give it a try. Why not?

The Pharaoh got up and charged the Dark Lord, crying out in fury. Soretooth tried to back away, but wasn't fast enough. Yami's fist connected – with Soretooth's buck teeth.

"Noooooooooo!!! How did you figure out my weakness?! HOW?! Now I am defeated!" Soretooth was then struck by lightening and turned into a pile of ash.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Yami leaned down over Set. Who still wasn't awake.

"What?!" he shouted. "But I did what they told me to! I killed him! Why is my priest still out-cold?!"

"Maybe because it wasn't Soretooth who put the spell on him," a familiar voice said from behind him.

Yami gasped and spun around to come face to face with none other than…

"Bakura?!"

The tomb robber smirked. "That's right."

"But you were with me the whole time! How did you manage to get all the way over here? You're dead!"

Bakura shrugged. "Actually, I have no idea. So I just went with it."

"Oh." Yami nodded. "But I demand you release Set!"

"No!"

"Well, why bloody not?"

"Because you ordered me to."

"Ok then, please release Set."

"No."

"WHY?!"

"Because it's fun to torment you!"

Yami sighed. "I've had enough of this." He tapped into the vast powers of his Millennium Puzzle. "Gods, I ask of thee, remove this foe from my path and return my priest to my side!"

Bakura snorted. "Yeah right, like the gods are really gonna listen to y-"

The thief never got a chance to finish his sentence, as he was struck by lightning for a second time.

Yami smirked. "Serves you right! You…loser!" He was about to do a victory dance, when he heard a groan from behind him. "Set!" Yami once again rushed to his fallen priest's side. "Set, are you alright?"

The dazed priest slowly opened his eyes. "Yami?" he asked quietly. Then, louder, "HOLY RA!"

Yami looked confused. "Umm…What?"

"RA!"

The Pharaoh smiled. "Yes, indeed, the gods to smile upon us."

"No! It's…RA!" Set pointed behind the Pharaoh.

Slowly, Yami spun around. There, stood the most glorious sight he had ever seen in his life. Well, besides his beloved High Priest, that is. A glowing figure, wreathed in an ethereal light, his clothing eerily floating out around him. Yami nodded. "Ra…"

The figure stuck his thumbs up. "That's m'name! Nice t'meetcha, Pharaoh!"

Yami blinked. "Umm…Ra? What are you doing here?"

Ra grinned. "Why, to start up the closing musical scene, of course!" He snapped his fingers and the music to You're the One That I Want from the movie Grease started playing. "Take it, Pharaoh!"

"I got chills, they're multiplyin'," Yami sang, "and I'm losin' control! Cause the power you're supplyin', it's electrifyin'" He fell to his knees and slid on the floor to Set.

"You better shape up," Set sang back, "cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you! You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true! Nothing left, nothing left for me to do!"

All of a sudden, their future counterparts (Ryou, Marik, Yugi, and Kaiba), the genie, Malik, the Ringwaifs, Soretooth, and Bakura jumped out to sing back-up. Even the cuecard guy and the director joined in, dragging Horus and Seth along.

"You're the one that I want," they all sang, "ooh ooh ooh, honey! The one that I want, ooh ooh ooh, honey! The one that I want, ooh ooh ooh, honey! The one I nee, oh yes indeed!"

"If you're filled with affection, 'n you're too shy to convey! Meditate my direction, feel your way!"

"I better shape up, cause you need a man," Yami sang.

"I need a man, who can keep me satisfied," Set sang back.

"I better shape up, if I'm gonna prove," Yami continued.

"You better prove, that my fate is justified," Set finished.

"Are you sure? Yes I'm sure down deep inside!" they finished the song together in duet, ending it with a kiss. Everyone cheered before scattering with cries of "Eww! That's gross!" The Pharaoh and his High Priest, however, didn't seem to notice. They were too wrapped up with each other.

END

"That was so beautiful!" Seth, still crying even after the Pharaoh and the priest had gone home sobbed. "So…Beautiful!"

"Err…Right," Horus mumbled, petting the god of chaos's head awkwardly as the sobbingdiety leaned on his shoulder. "The story's over. Happy ending and all. Wanna go get a smoothie?"

Seth tearfully looked up. "But we're bitter enemies!"

Horus shrugged. "Meh, anything can be mended over a couple of smoothies! Even a bitter grudge!"

"I love you!" Seth cried, once again latching onto the falcon-headed diety.

"Don't push it." And so the two headed off to get those smoothies. The end. No, really this time.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Well, wasn't that lovely final chapter? Yeah, don't know why I put the whole Grease song in there. I just decided this story needed a musical ending. I hope I ended it well. I don't think it was that bad! Oh well, this story's had a good run and I'm kinda proud of it! Thanks for your time! This is really…THE END!