Sam only saw moments of Jack all day, passing him in the hall or catching sight of him turning a corner just as he came into sight. She got the distinct impression he was avoiding her without looking like that was his intention. What little she saw of him was what she had come to expect of Jack O'Neill when a friend of his had died. Stony acceptance, even focused distraction from the issue with work. Above all, however, he seemed to be doing okay... better than Sam had anticipated.

Because of the emotionally charged time she'd shared with Jolinar, Sam expected Jack's veneer to crack at hearing Aetom had died. Jolinar died and Sam was devastated, even having known her only a few hours. Considering how much longer Jack and Aetom had been bonded, how much closer they'd become, Sam thought the Tok'ra's death would be incredibly difficult for Jack to handle. For neither the first time, nor likely the last, Jack O'Neill surprised Sam Carter.

When Sam went off-duty at the end of the day she prowled the base looking for Jack. She checked his office, Daniel's office, and the commissary. When she found him in none of those places she headed up to the surface and scanned the parking lot for his truck on the way to her car. When her search failed to turn up the dark green Ford she knew he'd already gone home.

Sam found herself pulling into the driveway at his house twenty minutes later, drawing up alongside the pick-up she'd sought earlier in the SGC parking lot.

Sam got out of her car. She pocketed her keys and looked toward the colonel's house. A single light burned in the living room, casting just enough of a warm glow in contrast to the cold late evening air to make it inviting. Flakes of snow were beginning to fall, melting in a moistening film over every exposed surface, including Sam's cheeks and hair.

Sam took one step toward the front door then stopped, changed direction on intuition, and made her way to the side of the house. She knew where to find the wooden ladder scaling the wall of the home and started to climb.

When she'd climbed the last few rungs of the ladder she caught sight of the colonel. He was sitting in the lawn chair he had perched on his roof beside the telescope, though the astronomy tool was covered and unattended this night. Jack was sitting quietly, as though he hadn't hear her coming into the driveway, walking around the side of the house, or climbing the creaking ladder. All of which Sam knew was impossible, meaning he was deliberately ignoring her.

Sam clamored on to the rooftop and stood, waiting for him to make the next move. She'd hunted him down, come to him at home, and it was his place to tell her to come closer or go away.

"Hey, Carter," he said without turning, and for the moment Sam knew she was free to move nearer to him.

Sam stepped toward him, "Hey... I was looking for you on the base." She came up alongside Jack and saw him sitting with a beer held between his legs, propped on the edge of the chair.

"I came home," he said needlessly as he brought the bottle to his lips to take a swallow.

Sam looked up at the sky, fading from purple and navy blue to black, between patches of clouds speckled with the first, brightest stars.

"Go ahead and say it, Carter, I know it's why you're here."

Sam turned to him, not put off by the slight brusqueness to his voice, and instead asked, "How are you holding up, sir?"

Jack shrugged, "Fine."

Sam frowned, "Jack... a very close friend of yours died."

Jack glowered, eyes narrowing, "Aetom and I weren't friends. We always made that point clear."

"Still, he was close to you... closer than anyone has probably ever been.."

"Oh, for crying out loud, Carter."

Sam wouldn't let him stop her saying what was on her mind, "I know, sir. You can tell everyone else Aetom was nothing to you but I'm not going to believe it, because after a matter of hours Jolinar, in some way, felt like a soul mate to me. It was like losing part of myself when she died, and I know she wasn't unique among the Tok'ra."

Jack was quietly seething, pinning her with a sharp glare, then he simmered down as though doused in cold water and looked away. When he spoke his voice was almost gentle, not laced with the spurious anger for which Sam had been bracing. "You know what I've been thinking all day?"

Sam shook her head, waiting for him to go on.

Jack cant his head in curiosity, "All day this image has been popping into my mind. A little girl, the daughter of Aetom's previous host. I don't know why she just showed up but I can't stop seeing her." He fingered the paper label on the beer in his hands, pensive.

Sam sighed quietly, her breath a wispy cloud in front of her face. She waited for more about the girl, the scene that had been dogging him throughout the day, but in his stretching reticence eventually realized nothing more on the subject would be forthcoming.

Jack's lips pursed, "It's like more than one person dying when a Tok'ra dies, isn't it?"

Sam thought on that, guessing he wasn't simply referring to the host that physically died with the symbiote at the time. "I guess so. With the memories of all their previous hosts they carry, I suppose when the symbiote dies a little bit of all their hosts die, too."

Jack said very carefully, "A little of me."

Sam swallowed, resisted the urge to reach out and touch him, instead said, "Maybe. Maybe I died a little with Jolinar, too."

Jack took another drink of beer then cast his eyes once toward the sky before dropping his gaze on to her. She was standing with her arms crossed against the increasingly chilly air, facing him patiently. She looked for the anguish she remembered from losing Jolinar, the harrowing sadness, but she didn't see any of those things when she looked at her commanding officer. She saw regret, remorse, a little mourning, but it wasn't consuming, and for all the world he really did seem okay.

"Are you really all right, sir?" she asked.

Jack didn't answer at first, merely watched her, then surprised her with the open honesty of his answer, "I hurt, Carter, and I miss him... but I've lost things a hell of a lot more important to me than a snake."

Sam blinked, at first insulted for the sake of Jolinar and Selmac and Lantash, all the Tok'ra she knew and cared about who deserved kinder regards than to be spoken of so harshly. Then she stopped to consider Jack and knew he was right. For him it was true, and she had no right to question that. If anything, perhaps she need question herself for not agreeing at once, with everything she had, with what he said.

Jack was looking at her, and he seemed to know when Sam understood. He offered her a small smile, wiping away any last vestiges of anger she'd felt for his comment, then stood from his chair. "It's getting cold up here... let's go inside."

Sam's response was automatic, "I should head home, sir."

Jack paused, standing close to her, then continued more solemnly, "I was going to have a drink in memory of Aetom... and then set one aside in memory of Aetom," he smiled, and Sam laughed.

"Come on," he beckoned, "someone should drink the one I don't."

Sam nodded and followed him toward the ladder. The drink he put aside to honor Aetom, the one she drank, she'd drink to the memory of Jolinar.

END