A Tale of Three Series
Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings. They all either belong to Eoin Colfer, J.K. Rowling, or J.R.R. Tolkein. The name "Harriet Chin" and her occupation belongs to Nickelodeon. The rest is mine! All mine! Mwa-ha, mwa-ha, mwa-hahaha! Uh...never mind. Thanks to Big Mac (no, that's not my friend's real name) for helping me out with this.
This is a list of the characters, along with the series they're from and their...personalities:
From Artemis Fowl"
Artemis: sits in the background and laughs maniacally
Holly: is trigger-happy
Root: has major anger-management issues
Foaly: states obvious things
From Lord of the Rings:
Frodo: says random, pointless things
Aragorn: is a pyromaniac
Legolas: is a pretty boy
Gimli: is a weird little dude who likes pointy things
Gandalf: is a heavy smoker
Merry and Pippin: laugh hysterically at the dumbest things
From Harry Potter:
Harry: is completely paranoid
Ron: is a drunk
Hermione: has a crush on Legolas
Malfoy: is a caffeine addict (yes, it can happen)
Reporter Harriet Chin: is a reporter who is trying to interview all the above and is the
only "sane" person in this whole story. Not for long, though. Heh-heh-heh, evil chuckle, evil chuckle. Yes, I am weird, and yes, I do need a life. STOP MOCKING ME!
Scene: Ace-reporter Harriet Chin tries to interview the characters of the three book
series (yes, that's plural) Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. However,
they aren't exactly like they're portrayed in the books.
Harriet Chin: Speaking to camera Hi. I'm Harriet Chin, and I'm here with several characters from the three best-selling book series Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. First, we have guests from Artemis Fowl.Camera shows Artemis sitting calmly in a chair dressed in a Darth Vader wanna-be suit,
Holly clutching her gun and looking twitchy, Root with his face turning a funny shade of
purple, and Foaly with a glazed look in his eye.
Artemis: Muttering to himself Won't be long, now. Soon, I shall rulethe world! Mwa-
ha, mwa-ha, mwa-ha-ha-ha! Laughs maniacally
Harriet: Looking slightly freaked out Ooookay. Edges chair away from Artemis NowArtemis, how has your sudden success affected your personal life?
Holly: Looking at Harriet Can I shoot her?
Harriet: Shocked What?!
Root: SHUT UP, MUD WOMAN!!!!!!
Foaly: Pointing at Holly's gun That's a gun.
Root: WE KNOW THAT'S A GUN, PONY-BOY!!!!!
Harriet: Looking as if she fears for her life (which she does) Okay, that's enough of that.
Let's bring out our next guests.
Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, Merry, and Pippin come out and sit down.
Frodo appears to be deep in thought, Aragorn flips a cigarette lighter open and shut,
Legolas inspects his nails, Gimli eyes Aragorn's sword, Gandalf lights a cigarette, and
Merry and Pippin start poking each other and laughing.
Harriet: Hi, and welcome to the show. Now-
Frodo: Interrupting I had a puppy once.
Harriet: Confused All right. Um, okay, that's nice.
Gimli: Ich mag pointy Sachen!
Legolas: What's that?
Gimli: I like pointy things! In German.
From out of thin air Ooooo!
Harriet: Looking around Where'd that come from?
Gandalf: To Aragorn Hey, gimme a light.
Araorn shakes his head "no" and holds the lighter close.
Aragorn: My preciousssss Starts stroking the lighter
Gandalf: Sighs Alright, I'll do it myself. The top of his staff sets itself on fire and he uses
it to light his cigarette.
Harriet: To Gandalf Um, didn't you just light a cigarette?
Gandalf: Looks at her like she's an idiot And your point is?
Merry and Pippin bust up laughing
Harriet: Annoyed What?
Merry: If you shorten your first name, you get- HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Pippin: HAIRY CHIN!!!
The two laugh until they start to choke
Harriet: Sarcastically My, aren't you clever.
Frodo: One time, at band camp-
Gimli: I like pointy things! Pokes Legolas
Legolas: Hey! Watch the shirt! Tries to kick Gimli
Gimli: Giggling insanely Silly elf! Kicks are for trids!
Harriet: What's a trid?
Gimli: Runs over and kicks her You are! Runs away as he, Merry and Pippin start
laughing.
Harriet: Why, you little- Remembers cameras I mean, how nice. Get our next guests out here. NOW!Malfoy comes out carrying a huge thermos, followed by Hermione, who's staring at
Legolas, and Ron, who's carrying a case full of rum, beer, and other alcoholic
beverages. Harry is last, and he's extremely twitchy, with his eyes darting around.
Harriet: Hi, Harry.
Harry: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Jumps three feet into the air before realizing who spoke to him. Oh, hi.
Merry: Hey, we have Harry and Hairy! He and Pippin start laughing. Again.
Ron: Singing Rum! Glorious rum!
Harriet: To Ron Aren't you underage?
Ron: Shhhh! Glances around The cops got me once! I'll never go back to jail!
Artemis: To himself Fools! They don't know what I'm planning! Mwa-hahaha! Laughs
maniacally
Legolas: Looking funny at Artemis Dude, you're weird.
Root: WATCH IT, GIRLY-MAN!!!
Hermione: Staring at Legolas Oooo, he's so not girly!
A bird flies through the air nearby, causing Holly to lose control.
Holly: MINE!!! Starts shooting at the bird, missing more than not. She ends up hitting a
few lights, causing a few sparks to shoot out. A few small fires start here and there, and
they eventually combine to make one big bonfire.
Aragorn: Starts crying That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Several crew members run over with fire extinguishers and put out the blaze.
Aragorn: Awww! I liked the fire. Starts pouting.
Harriet grabs her coffee cup and takes a sip. Malfoy notices and jumps her.
Harriet: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Harry: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
Malfoy: COFFEE!!!!! Starts sucking the spilled coffee out of Harriet's suit.
Harriet: SOMEONE GET ME A RESTRAINING ORDER!!! Starts hitting Malfoy, who finally leaves her alone.
Holly: Can I shoot him?
Frodo: Kittens like milk.
Root: WHERE THE HECK DID THAT COME FROM, BIGFOOT?!!!
Pippin: Sneaks up behind Harry Voldemort!
Harry: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Curls up in the fetal position on the ground. Find a happy place! Find a happy place! Starts rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb.
Ron: Singing. Again. TEQUILA! Du-duh da-du-da-du-da-duh. Note: That's music in typed form.
Gimli: Steals Aragorn's sword and starts running around, singing I like pointy things! I like pointy things!
Harriet: Dodging Gimli Hey! You could kill someone!
Holly: Aims her gun at Gimli I'll stop him!
Harriet: No, I didn't mean-
Gimli: Spots Harry's wand lying on the ground Ooo! Drops the sword and grabs the
wand. A bolt of red light shoots out and hits Legolas. Yay! Starts dancing and singing I got the elf! I got the elf!
Legolas throws off his burning shirt, causing Hermione's eyes to nearly pop out of their
sockets.
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Aragorn has just set Ron's case of alcohol on fire and is happily watching it burst into
flames.
Aragorn: Burn, baby! BURN!!!!
Ron: Falls to his knees Why, God? Why? WHY'S THE RUM GONE?!!!!!
Gandalf walks to the inferno and lights two cigarettes, one for each hand. He then
proceeds to start smoking them. He's very happy.
Merry and Pippin are, of course, completely amused by this, so they roll across the
ground laughing. A few sparks set them on fire, so their rolls are now to put out the
flames.
Foaly: That's a big fire.
Harriet: Under her breath Thank you Captain Obvious.
Holly: Can I shoot it?
Frodo: I like cheese.
Root: WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?!!!
Harriet: To herself They don't pay me enough for this.
Artemis: Laughing evilly Once I get out of here, my plans will begin!
Holly: If it involves shooting, can I help?
Harriet's eye starts twitching. Gimli runs by, being chased by Legolas, who's being
chased by Hermione. Aragorn dodges shots from Ron, who's really not happy about
losing his alcohol.
Foaly: Everyone's running around.
Malfoy: Raiding the vending machines SUGAR!!! CAFFEINE!!! Starts singingHeaven! I'm in heaven!
Harriet: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ICAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!! Runs off screaming and
jabbering about evil little dwarves and drunk wizards.
Everyone stops what they're doing.
Gimli: Alright, ya'll! Who's up for some poker?
A table, chairs, cards, and poker chips magically appear, along with plenty of
Budweisers.
All of them: Singing to opening of "Eye of the Tiger" Beer! Beer beer beer! Beer beerbeer!
Fin
Yeah...I have an excuse. I wrote this during band camp, so my mind was mush from having to repeat music and drills over and over again. The next chapters...I'll come up with something. Please R&R!