Title: To Give Up Sunlight
Author: Azure K Mello
Inspired by Zinny's SIG. Thank you, love.
Setting: Ten years after the final episode of Angel.
Spoilers for the ends of both Buffy and Angel.
Part (1/2)
Pairing: A/X
I walked in to see him standing at the window. He was wearing one of those white wife-beaters he liked so much. I had wanted to stay home with him to be there when he got the news. But he had told me to go to work. He wanted things to be normal. He told me I was making a fuss. When I dropped my bag he didn't turn to me. He just kept looking out the window.
"How are you?" I asked. It was a truly stupid question.
"They called me." He turned away from the window and his face is stained with tears. I haven't seen him cry since Conner's wedding and those had been happy tears. "I'm sick."
"Angel," I said softly he just held up a hand to stop me but I kept talking, "it's not that bad."
"Not that bad? I'm going to die, Xander." And he sounded so cold as though it had already happened.
I remember how happy he'd been when he'd been turned human. I wasn't there to witness it. Apparently he'd turned against Wolfram and Hart for good. And he and his merry band had fought hard. Spike and he were the only ones to get through the battle. Angel had slayed a dragon. They had survived. And then Angel had crawled to me, in Africa. Apparently Andrew had told them where I was when he went to help them with the wacko slayer. I don't know why he came to me. I do know that Spike freaked out when he realized Angel had a pulse. He had tried to turn Angel and when the newly human man stopped him he took off, afraid. Spike might've played at hating Angel but Angel was still his sire.
As I said, I don't know why he came to me. He could have gone to Buffy but he came to me. Silent and sad he asked me what he could do to help "the new council". Having a soul had never fully equipped Angel for being truly human. When he first turned human he had loved it: ran around getting drunk, eating chocolate, and taking Conner to the beach. But I guess it wasn't enough, maybe he still felt guilty for the past. Maybe that's why he came to me. He knew I wouldn't tell him to go lead a normal life. I didn't care about his happiness or his well being. So I put him to work.
It was odd the day I realized he was aging. I had finally caught up to looking like we were the same age, I didn't look like a kid anymore. He was 24 when he was turned. And two years after he sought me out in Africa I turned 26 we were the same age and we looked it. That was the day I realized I was in love with him. It was the most frightening moment of my life. But I watched him, then standing at the window with tears pouring down his face. Looking tired and old and 34 years old. Maybe that moment was worse.
"HIV isn't terminal, baby," I said softly. "It's a chronic condition. You'll take your pills and be fine."
"I'm going to die and leave you alone."
He sounded so miserable that I responded without thinking, which was (in hindsight) a very stupid thing, "No you wont."
"This is my fucking reward? I turn human, I find you, and then I die and leave you all alone. How is that a reward? I knew I would die. I even sort of liked the idea in an overly romantic way. I thought I would die in bed with you surrounded by grandkids." the tears were falling unchecked down his face.
"Maybe it's not a reward, maybe it's just another phase. The prophecy never said it was a reward we just thought it was."
"I don't want to leave you alone."
"You won't, I have it too." He started walking away from the window towards me, looking so confused. "When you got that cold and it wouldn't go away and you had those cuts that wouldn't heal the doctors told you to get the test. I went and got one too. I didn't want to scare you. You were worried enough. You won't leave me alone, Angel, I'll die too." He wrapped me in his arms and I cried for the first time.
We spent six years together in Africa, I spent another one there before he came. Was it really surprising we had it? I was more surprised that it took so long to catch up with us. He never stopped acting like an immortal. He never thought he could get hurt. He never took precautions. And I had acted the way I always did. I rushed in without thinking. If I saw one of our girls bleeding I picked them up. I never thought about the fact that they could be sick, that wasn't the problem at the time. Generally the problem was the slimly thing about to kill us all.
"I'm scared," I said finally dropping the faked optimism. "I don't want to lose you."
"You won't," he said as he stroked my hair. He had gone into the pacifying mood when I freaked out. He had already had his turn to have a freak out, now it was mine. "You've given me the best twenty years of my life. I won't lose you yet. We'll find a way. Those pills don't work. They just prolong it and keep you at a steady shitty low level of health. If they haven't found a cure in thirty years they won't find one. But there must be something mystical. We'll find it."
"Twenty years?" I asked softly. And he blushed. That's one of the things I loved about his being human. I had never realized how easily I could embarrass the ancient man when he didn't have a pulse. "I've given you the best twenty years?"
He cleared his throat, "What would you give up for us to stay together?"
"Anything. I couldn't kill someone innocent," I said thinking of all the spells I had read about for curing ailments,". . . but short of that. . ." reflectively I added, "I could probably let someone die." It was awful and yet so true.
Angel just shook his head, "Would you die for me?" I just nodded. "Would you give up sunlight for me?"
"Without thinking. But, Angel, how long would the curse last? This is us," I laughed ruefully as I rested my head on his shoulder. "How long would it take for us to have a "moment of true happiness"? A week? A month? Hell, ten years? How long would we be able to keep our hands off each other?"
"You don't listen in our conference calls do you?" I just looked at him blankly. "Willow's clinical tests? If a vampire is ensouled before they regain consciousness after being turned the "true happiness" clause doesn't take effect. The only thing I'm worried about is if you'll really be you or just a souled vampire in your body."
"Oh," I laughed, "Who wasn't listening to the conference call? Willow did that test to finally figure out if a vampire has anything to do with the host. Don't you remember? She said that a vampire was just a human without a soul, a need for blood, and the needed abilities and mindset to get it. So maybe I won' go "ewww" the next time we see something extremely gross and bloody but I'll still be me." I thought for a moment and then said, "Maybe we need to stop giving each other "favors" during conference calls."
"Where would the fun be in that?" he asked with a small smile.
I had fears of my own. The main one being that Angel's misery and self-loathing would come back the moment he died. It had taken so long to get him to a point wherein he didn't feel guilty for every breath he took. But I was also a little afraid of what Willow would say, of what they all would say. Angel ran his fingers down my face, over my eyes. My eyes. The eyes he had blackmailed a sorcerer into giving me back. When he came to Africa he was surprised to find me with an eye patch. I couldn't figure out why I unnerved him so. But one morning I woke up with both my eyes and he just shrugged and told me it seemed like the right thing to do. How could I not die for him? Willow would have to understand. I couldn't lose him.
"I was so scared, but we're gonna be ok," he said softly. And then after a moment he said, "I'll pay you five bucks if you call Spike and ask him to come out here." Here being LA, we'd gone back after leaving Africa. The Californian slayers needed watchers too.
Angel hated talking to Spike. And it was understandable. Spike hated talking to Angel. He spoke to his sire as though Angel was already dead. He was always polite, and short, and got off the phone as quickly as possible with a somewhat valid excuse. It always made Angel sad. He understood that Spike was scared and was mad at him for choosing to remain human. The young vampire viewed it as being abandoned. He loved Angel and he wanted nothing to do with the man as they both knew that Angel was going to die in the blink of Spike's eye.
"He'll be happy, Angel, you should call him. He'll be so pleased that you're doing this."
He smiled at me suddenly, "No he'll be happy we're doing this. He's always liked you. 'Cause you're a demon magnet." I laughed. "Are you sure about this?"
"Maybe this is a reward," I said softly. He ran his hands over my arms. "If you hadn't become human you never would have come to me. And if we hadn't gotten sick we wouldn't have eternity." He smiled and I felt a blush seep up my cheeks. Sometimes I got so soppy but he liked it, "We're gonna have forever. Isn't that a reward? Maybe the PTB did it op purpose. And Spike is gonna be my sire, you'll still be his, right?" He just nodded. "He'll be so happy. Call him."