AN I am terribly sorry for not updating this sooner. I knew what I wanted to happen in the whole of the story, but there was a hole between the end of part 3 and how I wanted it to go on after this. I needed a lot of time to come up with something. I'm still not satisfied with how this chapter turned out, but it could have been worse; it's alright.
Thank you to everyone who reviewed, also who read Perfection. I have a sequel for that in mind as well. Probably the last in that series. I don't know yet. For now, enjoy the next installment of Fragments.
The ride to the Kinomiya dojo was silent. Kai sat in the back, ignoring Tyson next to him, opting instead to look out the window. The elder Kinomiya hadn't asked any questions, simply opening the door to let them take their seat. Kai was grateful for that. He didn't want the old man to know of his hideous past, the blanket of shame covering, suffocating him. It was bad enough Tyson now knew. He didn't want anyone else to learn of the filth clogging every pore of his body.
Shivering Kai pushed that thought away. The thorough scrubbings he sometimes put his body through, could never take that feeling away. It was too ingrained into him, he knew that.
The engine shutting off jerked him out of his thoughts. Numbly he reached for the handle and opened the door.
Was it only yesterday he stood here? Gearing himself up to go in and face a shadow of his past. A reflection of a shadow. An echo.
Tyson came up at his side and slipped a hand in his. Looking down Kai marveled at how comfortable it felt. To touch someone, to be touched, voluntarily, in the absence of violence. It sparked a small drizzle of warmth in his chest.
The Japanese teen pulled him into the house and up the stairs. "Come on. You'd better go lie down if we want gramps to keep believing you've got the flu."
Kai had expected to be led to a guestroom. Instead Tyson pushed his guest through the door to his own room. "Just dump you bag somewhere. Have you eaten anything at all today?"
Kai shook his head. No, he'd been too exhausted from the dreams and their aftermath to do anything but crawl right back into bed. Eating was far from his mind, though he would accept anything Tyson would come back with.
He was uncomfortable. The mixture of familiarity and being a guest that came with the room was unsettling. Did Tyson mean he wanted Kai to take his bed? Or would he bring up a futon? Why had he insisted on Kai coming with him in the first place?
Confused, Kai sat down on the desk chair and let the strap of his bag slip from his shoulder. Why did Tyson want to protect him from his nightmares? When had Kai ever done anything that would deserve such support from Tyson now?
He didn't know. Then again, maybe it wasn't something he had done. Maybe it was just a part of Tyson's unexplainable urge to help people. He had after all without prompting, without reason, reached out his hand to Kai on the frozen lake of Balkai.
It had been the first time Kai had experienced that someone willingly, voluntarily, wanted to touch. It was that feeling, of Tyson's hand closing around his, that had made him decide to fight.
Ironic, that now the same person had pushed him back into the darkness of his own insanity.
Tiredly, he rested his head in his hands. What a mess had he landed himself in. It would take months before he had himself back in at least some semblance of order. And he wasn't exactly sure whether Tyson's presence would be of any help.
A soft knock alerted him of someone at the door. Peaking sideways, he saw a pair of feet incased in white socks. "You don't have to knock, Tyson. It's your room."
"I didn't want to startle you," came the soft reply. "I brought some sandwiches. Feel like eating at all?"
Kai raised his head to answer in a negative, but the words died on the way to his mouth. Tyson looked so sweet and kind, an innocent child, in his baby-blue shirt, faded jeans and socks. He must have abandoned his baseball cap somewhere during the process of making that tray of food he was carrying, leaving his dark hair to softly frame his face.
How could Kai possibly disappoint those big blue eyes? He could at least try one. They did look rather good and he hadn't had anything to eat all day. The juice would help flush it away.
Tyson set the tray on his desk. "Try and eat something, Kai. Not eating will only make you feel worse." As if to set an example, he picked a sandwich and took a bite.
Food had always been something of a chore at the Abbey. They had only a certain amount of time to their standardized rations. No more was given out, and plates were whisked away after half an hour. It had been difficult to break through the indoctrinated time frame. Even though he hadn't consciously remembered the Abbey, the first year he hadn't been able to sit down for a meal for longer that half an hour. And after the memories had resurfaced, he'd had a short relapse to the strict daytime schedule of the Abbey.
Gritting his teeth with the effort to stop his hand from trembling, he grabbed his own sandwich and set his teeth into it. He desperately shoved away the feeling of worthlessness pervading his senses and decided to relish in the feeling of the uncontrolled opportunity to eat.
It tasted good, actually. Beef, with a few slices of cucumber and tomato. And his stomach agreed with it, which was short of a miracle, because after a nightmare session like the one this morning, he could never stand to eat anything, until he'd had a proper night's sleep.
Plus, Tyson looked really glad he'd gotten his friend to eat. So Kai steadily worked his way through two sandwiches before he picked up his glass of fruit juice.
Tyson, he noted with surprise, hadn't even finished his first. "Aren't you gonna eat that?" he asked.
Tyson started, then looked down at the half eaten sandwich in his hand. "Oh, right. "He listlessly nibbled a corner of the bread. "I'm not really hungry."
"Stop the presses," Kai muttered, and took another sip.
Tyson burst out laughing. "At least your sarcasm is still intact."
"I guess it is," he murmured.
Silence fell again. It was slowly sinking into Kai's mind that he would actually be staying at the Kinomiya household. He couldn't help but feel relief at the prospect of having someone around who could wake him from his nightmares before he became too entrapped in them. It meant he could go to bed feeling a little more relaxed, a little safer. He suddenly didn't dread sleeping so much anymore. Then he thought of the third occupant of the house.
He choked on his juice. Oh, no, if grandpa Kinomiya heard him screaming, he would undoubtedly come and investigate. Tyson's urge to help and protect ran in the family, after all. Then gramps would want to know what had brought the nightmares about. Once, he would perhaps refrain from asking questions, but twice was too much of a coincidence. Besides, he'd probably been woken quite a few times the past three weeks by his own grandson. He would instantly be on guard. And that was the last thing Kai wanted.
"You alright?" Tyson asked concerned.
Kai tried nodding, but he couldn't bring himself to. "What about gramps?" he murmured instead. "I... I don't... want him to know... about..." He couldn't finish that.
Tyson looked down at his hands, still clutched around the remains of his sandwich. "I understand. He won't pry, if you don't want to. He knows when he shouldn't push."
Kai wasn't comforted. If the elder Kinomiya did pry, Kai wouldn't know how to answer. If he lied, would it be detected? If he told the truth, would gramps be disgusted? Would he go as far as throwing Kai out? Then where would he go? Well, back to his own apartment, of course, but chances were gramps would also forbid Tyson to consort with him. Then what would he do?
"Kai? Hey, Kai," a voice entered his metal realm. He turned to it. "Hey, you spaced out on me there. Wanna tell me about it?"
Kai toyed with the glass in his hands. "Maybe I should leave," he said softly.
"What? Why!"
Kai looked up at his friend, if he dared call anyone that. "Isn't it obvious? Your grandfather would never allow you to stay in contact with me after he hears of what happened." He returned his gaze to his feet. "I, for one, wouldn't blame him."
There was a rustling of clothes and then Tyson feet appeared right in front of Kai's. "That is ridiculous and you know it. Gramps would never throw you out and certainly not because of your past." He sounded stern, but his voice softened as he got down on his knees to look Kai in the eye. "Nothing was your fault, Kai. And you shouldn't believe otherwise. If my experience of three weeks ago taught me anything, it's that sometimes things happen that are not our fault, or at least our fault alone. Not everything that happens is a direct consequence of our actions or lack thereof." He took a deep breath and seemed to steel himself for his next words. "I blamed myself, you know. If only this, if only that. I'm still not free of guilt, and I don't think I'll ever be free of the shame, but I can handle myself a little better now, at least towards other people." He huffed a laugh. "It was in fact your visit that finally convinced me to take my therapist's words to heart and to at least be open to the people I've always been able to trust. And I'm very sorry I hurt all of you with my selfish behavior. But I think I needed the time alone."
Kai didn't know how to answer to that. His case was different from Tyson's. Tyson had been the innocent victim of a deranged pervert. Kai himself was inherently bad and had shunned the many attempts to heal him from it. So, in an effort to avoid answering Tyson's plea, he grasped the most neutral aspect of it. "Therapist?"
Tyson actually smiled at that. "Yes, when gramps had persuaded me to go to the hospital to be checked out, you know, for any... damages, or... infections, or whatever, the doctor there referred me to a social worker who contacted a youth-psychiatrist. She uhm... helped me. Unload, I guess. She became a neutral person who would listen to me without any prejudice, because she didn't know me prior to those conversations. She would hear me out and give me advice out of her profession instead of... emotional attachment. Without becoming distant and aloof, though. She really nice."
Kai sniffed. "Would you have me see her?"
Tyson settled cross-legged on the floor in front of Kai and plucked at his pants. "Well, I don't know if she... specializes in child-abuse. But I could ask," he added hurriedly. "Would you like me to?"
Kai ran a hand through his hair. "Would anyone like admitting they need help from a therapist? I probably need it. As long as she doesn't admit me, or anything. I will not be locked up."
Tyson nodded quickly. "Understandable. You can set that sort of conditions in a preliminary session. It's not a legal contract, but she will try to hold to it for as long as possible. Unless you suddenly turn suicidal or something. And you can always leave, if you don't like her."
Kai nodded. "I'll think about it."
"I have her number. It's on the message board in the hallway. Doctor Marina Green."
They sat in silence, Tyson playing with a loose thread on his jeans, Kai staring at his hands and the empty glass they held. Tyson's words kept repeating themselves in his head and for the first time, Kai allowed himself to feel a shard of hope. It was painful that, hoping for something. There was always to risk of being disappointed, but perhaps this doctor Green could help him sleep at night. Kai would give anything to have at least some peace of mind. It was all he wanted.
Yes, hope was a painful thing. But also warming.
AN Well, I hope it was worth the wait. Hope I won't take as long with next part. I intend to show a little more of Kai in that one. I still have to fit Tyson's healing process in there somewhere as well. That will be difficult. Oh well, I like a challenge. Please review?