A/N: WARNING: This contains some SLASH material.
Ha! Now that you have been warned, you can only blame yourself for getting offended.
Part I: La Condition Humaine
(very mild slash)
Draco fell absently onto his bed, while pulling round the curtains in one easy motion. He was exhausted. But at least he didn't feel like before.
This wasn't a nice state of mind. It wasn't really anything.
He was tired. So tired. But somehow when he closed his eyes sleep just didn't come. His mind was busy as it always was. Thinking about past- always the past- the previous day, the previous week, the previous month. Never did Draco think about the future. He tried as best he could to blank that out. It was something he dreaded without knowing why.
He lay still- not something normal for an insomniac.
Yes- Draco was an insomniac. He had always dismissed sleep, not that his waking hours were anything precious to him, but sleep was a hole even worse than his life. It was a terrifying beast. Sleep was nearly always dreamless. It had been getting worse lately. Much worse. Not that it really mattered to him that he got less than four hours of sleep a day.
But he thought that might have changed this time. Obviously not.
After the assortment of pills he had taken an hour ago, Draco was anticipating the effects to be a little more dramatic than what he was feeling. This hopeless fatigue was frustrating, as it did nothing to help him sleep, and instead gave him a conflict of exhaustion and energy, to match the war taking place in his mind.
Ughh. Draco pushed back the heavy drapes around his bed. One in the morning, and he felt like he could sleep-walk a marathon. He felt like walking and walking- just the mechanical action. His bare feet touched the freezing marble of the Slytherin floor, but he hardly noticed. He pulled his cloak over his grey flannel pyjama bottoms and T-shirt, then glided past the other innocent-sleepers, and headed towards the commonroom. Lumos. The light from his wand filtered through the unsubstantial shadows of the room.
He walked around the edges of the room a few times. It was automatic, monotonous- and this gave him the comfortable feeling of habit. He passed the fireplace, the large and immaculate armchair, the stone staircase, and finally walked straight out into the draughty corridor, as if he were simply programmed.
His eyelids were drooping and he realised that he wasn't looking where he was going. It didn't trouble him though. He just needed to feel the movement of his feet dragging silently and still barefoot along the endless corridors of Hogwart's.
Through his bleary eyes, he could make out the light of his wand. It was dim and pointless but at least not dark- and it made a pretty picture- He didn't want to be like this. Not like some indistinct soul, wandering aimlessly. The wand light was part of him now. In him. Light. What colour was light anyway?
This light was green- his house colour. Hmmmmmmm- it made his hand glow eerily, not like the green of eyes. 'His' were clear and showed his soul so clearly, but never for Draco, unless in anger. But now the light was part of him- his mind. Sleepy. So sleepy. There's light, over there through the window- it is natural and shining from the moon. The moon is full and seems to rule the sky. It is better than the sun. It is gentle and subtle- not that garish giant- but delicate.
Draco placed his elbows lightly onto the stone windowsill and stared at the glowing orb. Was the moon blurred, or was it just cloudy? The Forbidden Forest was dark and looming below him and the neat grounds before that, were bland and bleak compared to the air.
A presence behind him- He was prisoner to the moon.
"Malfoy?"
Draco tilted his head slightly in reply.
"How long have you been standing there?"
Silence. How was he meant to take silence? It had never come from Draco before. It had always been some quick wit or other directed at him, or Ron and Hermione. Was it really Draco?
Yes. That blonde head and lilting figure could not belong to anyone else.
How much had he seen? Had he watched Harry crossing the grounds from the Whomping Willow, where he had been keeping Professor Lupin company as usual during this time of the month? He was certainly acting strange- he normally would have taken some of his teenage anger out on Harry.
That's what it was right? Teenage anger. Not real hate- Harry wasn't hate-able was he? ……Of course he was. The Dursley's had reminded him often enough. He was nothing to them.
Draco felt a slight pressure on his left shoulder. The moon goddess- she was commanding. What was it?
He turned around to meet Harry's startlingly green eyes.
"Oh. Harry" That blotch in the dark must be Harry- look at the eyes.
Harry was surprised. Was he just called by his first name?
"What did you see Malfoy?" Harry said, his voice laced with an unusual hardness.
"See?" Draco squinted at Harry. "I can't see anything…I mean, I was looking at the moon up there…It's beautiful."
Draco's elbow slipped from the window and he fell to the floor.
Harry stood over him for a moment, waiting expectantly for him to get up, but nothing happened.
Draco groaned.
"Help the moon. The light must join itself." He muttered
Harry looked worried for a second, as he did the unthinkable, and pulled Draco up to his feet, holding him steady to stop him from keeling over.
"No you don't understand! I have to sleep, but it won't let me."
Harry was astonished. Malfoy was acting very strangely indeed and he wasn't sure if he was entirely comfortable with the change. But his seeker instincts took over and he caught the incredibly light boy as he fell forward again.
Draco clung to Harry's robes. "I want to sleep Harry. I really want to, but it will come for me. Will you keep me company?" His voice was pleading and desperate, but he looked like a living zombie.
Harry decided that Draco was completely delusional. And he was helpless… Draco was completely delusional and completely helpless. Ha!
With a sigh, Harry slung Draco's arm over his shoulder and proceeded to half lead, half drag him through the maze of corridors to the Slytherin commonroom.
"There you go Malfoy. I can't take you any further."
His answer was slurred. "I know the password. You have to stay or…or…"
Harry groaned inwardly. Fine. This was just typical. He hated Malfoy all the years he had known him, and still he felt obliged to help him in a time of need.
He pushed open the dormitory door to meet the sharp pang of the cold air within. Sheesh. No wonder he had a heart made of ice- how could it ever melt?
Harry tried to push Draco down onto the bed, but his arm around Harry's neck, pulled them both down so that Harry was sitting beside him. He removed Draco's cloak, and made a move to rise from the bed, but Draco pulled him back down.
"Wait Harry" He gazed drowsily into Harry's eyes. "If he comes, will you be here?"
Draco hoisted himself backward onto the bed, and snuggled away from the biting chill, under the thick, luxurious duvet.
"When who comes?"
Fear suddenly clouded Draco's eyes, which he closed immediately under a layer of mussed hair. Harry glanced around the dormitory. It was not unlike his own dorm in layout and style, but the atmosphere was new and forbidding. Draco's bed was the equivalent of Ron's- yes, there was the desk, the window and the large trunks at the end of the beds. And on the bedside table there was the usual: a notepad, a clock, a glass of water… and several bottles of pills. What were they?
Harry lifted one up, and held it towards the moonlight. It was without a label, but Harry was not blind. It was obvious that Draco had taken them and had suffered the side effects. He looked down at Draco's sleeping form. He looked innocent like that- just a child, but a child with wisdom and maturity that even Harry could see. He pictured the other boys he knew, and they all seemed so adolescent compared to the figure before him, even some of the adults he knew were unlike Draco.
Harry lay on the other end of the bed, thinking about the ridiculous nature of his situation. If he had been told before, that four hours later he would be sitting in the Slytherin tower, tending to a sleeping Malfoy, he would probably have erupted into laughter. But here he was.
The other curtains in the room were drawn around the beds, so that Harry was isolated except for Draco in his sleep. He pulled the curtains around Draco's bed, quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping Slytherin's.
Harry woke with a start. He glanced confusedly round the room. Where was he? The room was familiar, yet different.
The previous night came flooding back to him. He glanced feverishly around him, and finally risked a tiny peek around the curtains, figuring that the others would all be enjoying breakfast by this time, at the clock on the bedside table, and a wave of panic set in when he realised breakfast had just started. The heavy drapes around the bed, and the gloomy position of the Slytherin tower had managed to keep away the morning light.
He removed his glasses, and squinted into the darkness. Thank goodness they were alone. He didn't know what he would have done, if someone had caught him in this situation.
He looked down at Draco's sleeping form yet again, remembering the reason he was here, in the first place. To his surprise, he noticed that the other boy was trembling and muttering softly. On closer inspection, Harry could see sweat running down Draco's neck and his eyes darting back and forth, under closed eyelids.
"Draco, what's wrong?" Harry whispered into his ear.
"He's come! He's come!"
"Wake up! We need to go now"
"Don't hurt me! Please Sir!" Draco's closed eyes began to stream. The shaking became more extreme and he was curled up in the foetal position.
Harry placed two hands on Draco's shoulders, and proceeded to shake him awake. Draco's eyes flared open, and he immediately and instinctively pulled Harry down into a tight hug, sobbing all the while into his robes.
Harry was overwhelmed. What was Draco doing? This was the boy who refused to even acknowledge him, never mind embrace him! He automatically comforted Draco with words and the return of the contact. He didn't know how he knew this was the right thing to do, but somehow it felt right. Harry himself had never had anyone to do this for him... once again he thought of the Dursley's.
They had never made him feel anything but a stain: a stain on their lives, a stain on the world, and worst of all, a stain in himself. What was it to be loved? Harry's first experience of friendship had been at this school, and he knew (hoped) it would be the opening of many more to come.
Draco's sobbing subsided. It had been horrible; that dream. It had almost been real. It had affected him deeply as it always did, and now he was leaning against a comforting warmth. Harry!
Draco lifted his head away, abruptly. He stared with undisguised astonishment, into Harry's sympathetic eyes. He gaped, and Harry removed himself from the embrace immediately.
They were both silent. Neither of them had any words to express their confusion.
Harry was still fully robed and Draco was in his pyjamas. Their hair was dishevelled and the lack of peaceful sleep showed itself in their eyes.
"Morning" Harry ventured, after a lengthy and awkward pause.
Draco continued to gape.
"Ok." Harry said.
Draco spoke softly. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?"
Draco, with wide eyes, shook his head, making his hair flop slightly. Vague images kept floating to the surface of his consciousness, but otherwise he looked quite lost.
He quickly regained himself however and started to glare furiously at Harry, as if blaming him. Although he still looked a little embarrassed.
"Never mind what happened. What are we going to do now?… You have to get out of here!"
Draco leaped from his bed into the adjoining bathroom, and threw Harry a hand towel.
"Quick. You look a mess."
It was Harry's turn to gape- but wearing an indignant look.
"Taken a look at yourself lately?" he called back.
"Yeah, as it happens I am looking into a mirror right now. And I like what I see." He poked his head round the bathroom door, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "I've got a kind of sexy, tousled look."
Harry, silently had to agree. How did he pull that off? His eyes were still puffy from crying, but it managed to make him look seductive all the same.
He wouldn't admit it thought. He snorted in reply.
They quickly cleaned themselves up. Never before would they have been able to be in this situation- alone together, without being at each other's throats. They had to settle instead, for insulting comments.
It felt better, they both found, to slip back into this old routine of bad-mouthing each other.
Draco signalled Harry the all clear, for moving out, into the commonroom.
"Shhhhh…we have to be quiet." Draco whispered.
"Yeah, I know smart-arse. I'll be in as much shit as you, if anyone sees us."
"They will have noticed you were missing this morning."
"Oh, I'll just tell them that I had to return a book to the library or something. What are you going to say?"
Draco glanced round, and stopped. "They wouldn't have noticed yet."
"What? Nobody?"
Draco stared at Harry steadily.
"I don't remember what happened last night you know……"
"You were walking around, and you…said some things which I didn't understand."
"What things!" Draco hissed "No, wait. Meet me tonight. You can explain to me just how much you heard."
On that cryptic note, the two boys exited the tower and went their separate ways. Harry took one last glance at the other boy's retreating back, and debated whether or not to go to the meeting. Why should he? This was Draco…the one who had tricked him into a midnight meeting in the first year. But then Harry was also curious. What was this new relationship he had with Draco? Something had changed overnight- he had taken a new perspective.
A/N: The title is of a Magritte- (who was into stuff about conceptions, perspective and the faith we place in suppositions yadayada)
La Condition Humaine (1934)
Perhaps a Part II?
Thanks to all those who reviewed:
'Disconnected'
'Darkness Visible'
'An Advancement of Learning'
finite : )
Ha! Now that you have been warned, you can only blame yourself for getting offended.
Part I: La Condition Humaine
(very mild slash)
Draco fell absently onto his bed, while pulling round the curtains in one easy motion. He was exhausted. But at least he didn't feel like before.
This wasn't a nice state of mind. It wasn't really anything.
He was tired. So tired. But somehow when he closed his eyes sleep just didn't come. His mind was busy as it always was. Thinking about past- always the past- the previous day, the previous week, the previous month. Never did Draco think about the future. He tried as best he could to blank that out. It was something he dreaded without knowing why.
He lay still- not something normal for an insomniac.
Yes- Draco was an insomniac. He had always dismissed sleep, not that his waking hours were anything precious to him, but sleep was a hole even worse than his life. It was a terrifying beast. Sleep was nearly always dreamless. It had been getting worse lately. Much worse. Not that it really mattered to him that he got less than four hours of sleep a day.
But he thought that might have changed this time. Obviously not.
After the assortment of pills he had taken an hour ago, Draco was anticipating the effects to be a little more dramatic than what he was feeling. This hopeless fatigue was frustrating, as it did nothing to help him sleep, and instead gave him a conflict of exhaustion and energy, to match the war taking place in his mind.
Ughh. Draco pushed back the heavy drapes around his bed. One in the morning, and he felt like he could sleep-walk a marathon. He felt like walking and walking- just the mechanical action. His bare feet touched the freezing marble of the Slytherin floor, but he hardly noticed. He pulled his cloak over his grey flannel pyjama bottoms and T-shirt, then glided past the other innocent-sleepers, and headed towards the commonroom. Lumos. The light from his wand filtered through the unsubstantial shadows of the room.
He walked around the edges of the room a few times. It was automatic, monotonous- and this gave him the comfortable feeling of habit. He passed the fireplace, the large and immaculate armchair, the stone staircase, and finally walked straight out into the draughty corridor, as if he were simply programmed.
His eyelids were drooping and he realised that he wasn't looking where he was going. It didn't trouble him though. He just needed to feel the movement of his feet dragging silently and still barefoot along the endless corridors of Hogwart's.
Through his bleary eyes, he could make out the light of his wand. It was dim and pointless but at least not dark- and it made a pretty picture- He didn't want to be like this. Not like some indistinct soul, wandering aimlessly. The wand light was part of him now. In him. Light. What colour was light anyway?
This light was green- his house colour. Hmmmmmmm- it made his hand glow eerily, not like the green of eyes. 'His' were clear and showed his soul so clearly, but never for Draco, unless in anger. But now the light was part of him- his mind. Sleepy. So sleepy. There's light, over there through the window- it is natural and shining from the moon. The moon is full and seems to rule the sky. It is better than the sun. It is gentle and subtle- not that garish giant- but delicate.
Draco placed his elbows lightly onto the stone windowsill and stared at the glowing orb. Was the moon blurred, or was it just cloudy? The Forbidden Forest was dark and looming below him and the neat grounds before that, were bland and bleak compared to the air.
A presence behind him- He was prisoner to the moon.
"Malfoy?"
Draco tilted his head slightly in reply.
"How long have you been standing there?"
Silence. How was he meant to take silence? It had never come from Draco before. It had always been some quick wit or other directed at him, or Ron and Hermione. Was it really Draco?
Yes. That blonde head and lilting figure could not belong to anyone else.
How much had he seen? Had he watched Harry crossing the grounds from the Whomping Willow, where he had been keeping Professor Lupin company as usual during this time of the month? He was certainly acting strange- he normally would have taken some of his teenage anger out on Harry.
That's what it was right? Teenage anger. Not real hate- Harry wasn't hate-able was he? ……Of course he was. The Dursley's had reminded him often enough. He was nothing to them.
Draco felt a slight pressure on his left shoulder. The moon goddess- she was commanding. What was it?
He turned around to meet Harry's startlingly green eyes.
"Oh. Harry" That blotch in the dark must be Harry- look at the eyes.
Harry was surprised. Was he just called by his first name?
"What did you see Malfoy?" Harry said, his voice laced with an unusual hardness.
"See?" Draco squinted at Harry. "I can't see anything…I mean, I was looking at the moon up there…It's beautiful."
Draco's elbow slipped from the window and he fell to the floor.
Harry stood over him for a moment, waiting expectantly for him to get up, but nothing happened.
Draco groaned.
"Help the moon. The light must join itself." He muttered
Harry looked worried for a second, as he did the unthinkable, and pulled Draco up to his feet, holding him steady to stop him from keeling over.
"No you don't understand! I have to sleep, but it won't let me."
Harry was astonished. Malfoy was acting very strangely indeed and he wasn't sure if he was entirely comfortable with the change. But his seeker instincts took over and he caught the incredibly light boy as he fell forward again.
Draco clung to Harry's robes. "I want to sleep Harry. I really want to, but it will come for me. Will you keep me company?" His voice was pleading and desperate, but he looked like a living zombie.
Harry decided that Draco was completely delusional. And he was helpless… Draco was completely delusional and completely helpless. Ha!
With a sigh, Harry slung Draco's arm over his shoulder and proceeded to half lead, half drag him through the maze of corridors to the Slytherin commonroom.
"There you go Malfoy. I can't take you any further."
His answer was slurred. "I know the password. You have to stay or…or…"
Harry groaned inwardly. Fine. This was just typical. He hated Malfoy all the years he had known him, and still he felt obliged to help him in a time of need.
He pushed open the dormitory door to meet the sharp pang of the cold air within. Sheesh. No wonder he had a heart made of ice- how could it ever melt?
Harry tried to push Draco down onto the bed, but his arm around Harry's neck, pulled them both down so that Harry was sitting beside him. He removed Draco's cloak, and made a move to rise from the bed, but Draco pulled him back down.
"Wait Harry" He gazed drowsily into Harry's eyes. "If he comes, will you be here?"
Draco hoisted himself backward onto the bed, and snuggled away from the biting chill, under the thick, luxurious duvet.
"When who comes?"
Fear suddenly clouded Draco's eyes, which he closed immediately under a layer of mussed hair. Harry glanced around the dormitory. It was not unlike his own dorm in layout and style, but the atmosphere was new and forbidding. Draco's bed was the equivalent of Ron's- yes, there was the desk, the window and the large trunks at the end of the beds. And on the bedside table there was the usual: a notepad, a clock, a glass of water… and several bottles of pills. What were they?
Harry lifted one up, and held it towards the moonlight. It was without a label, but Harry was not blind. It was obvious that Draco had taken them and had suffered the side effects. He looked down at Draco's sleeping form. He looked innocent like that- just a child, but a child with wisdom and maturity that even Harry could see. He pictured the other boys he knew, and they all seemed so adolescent compared to the figure before him, even some of the adults he knew were unlike Draco.
Harry lay on the other end of the bed, thinking about the ridiculous nature of his situation. If he had been told before, that four hours later he would be sitting in the Slytherin tower, tending to a sleeping Malfoy, he would probably have erupted into laughter. But here he was.
The other curtains in the room were drawn around the beds, so that Harry was isolated except for Draco in his sleep. He pulled the curtains around Draco's bed, quietly so as not to disturb the sleeping Slytherin's.
Harry woke with a start. He glanced confusedly round the room. Where was he? The room was familiar, yet different.
The previous night came flooding back to him. He glanced feverishly around him, and finally risked a tiny peek around the curtains, figuring that the others would all be enjoying breakfast by this time, at the clock on the bedside table, and a wave of panic set in when he realised breakfast had just started. The heavy drapes around the bed, and the gloomy position of the Slytherin tower had managed to keep away the morning light.
He removed his glasses, and squinted into the darkness. Thank goodness they were alone. He didn't know what he would have done, if someone had caught him in this situation.
He looked down at Draco's sleeping form yet again, remembering the reason he was here, in the first place. To his surprise, he noticed that the other boy was trembling and muttering softly. On closer inspection, Harry could see sweat running down Draco's neck and his eyes darting back and forth, under closed eyelids.
"Draco, what's wrong?" Harry whispered into his ear.
"He's come! He's come!"
"Wake up! We need to go now"
"Don't hurt me! Please Sir!" Draco's closed eyes began to stream. The shaking became more extreme and he was curled up in the foetal position.
Harry placed two hands on Draco's shoulders, and proceeded to shake him awake. Draco's eyes flared open, and he immediately and instinctively pulled Harry down into a tight hug, sobbing all the while into his robes.
Harry was overwhelmed. What was Draco doing? This was the boy who refused to even acknowledge him, never mind embrace him! He automatically comforted Draco with words and the return of the contact. He didn't know how he knew this was the right thing to do, but somehow it felt right. Harry himself had never had anyone to do this for him... once again he thought of the Dursley's.
They had never made him feel anything but a stain: a stain on their lives, a stain on the world, and worst of all, a stain in himself. What was it to be loved? Harry's first experience of friendship had been at this school, and he knew (hoped) it would be the opening of many more to come.
Draco's sobbing subsided. It had been horrible; that dream. It had almost been real. It had affected him deeply as it always did, and now he was leaning against a comforting warmth. Harry!
Draco lifted his head away, abruptly. He stared with undisguised astonishment, into Harry's sympathetic eyes. He gaped, and Harry removed himself from the embrace immediately.
They were both silent. Neither of them had any words to express their confusion.
Harry was still fully robed and Draco was in his pyjamas. Their hair was dishevelled and the lack of peaceful sleep showed itself in their eyes.
"Morning" Harry ventured, after a lengthy and awkward pause.
Draco continued to gape.
"Ok." Harry said.
Draco spoke softly. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?"
Draco, with wide eyes, shook his head, making his hair flop slightly. Vague images kept floating to the surface of his consciousness, but otherwise he looked quite lost.
He quickly regained himself however and started to glare furiously at Harry, as if blaming him. Although he still looked a little embarrassed.
"Never mind what happened. What are we going to do now?… You have to get out of here!"
Draco leaped from his bed into the adjoining bathroom, and threw Harry a hand towel.
"Quick. You look a mess."
It was Harry's turn to gape- but wearing an indignant look.
"Taken a look at yourself lately?" he called back.
"Yeah, as it happens I am looking into a mirror right now. And I like what I see." He poked his head round the bathroom door, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "I've got a kind of sexy, tousled look."
Harry, silently had to agree. How did he pull that off? His eyes were still puffy from crying, but it managed to make him look seductive all the same.
He wouldn't admit it thought. He snorted in reply.
They quickly cleaned themselves up. Never before would they have been able to be in this situation- alone together, without being at each other's throats. They had to settle instead, for insulting comments.
It felt better, they both found, to slip back into this old routine of bad-mouthing each other.
Draco signalled Harry the all clear, for moving out, into the commonroom.
"Shhhhh…we have to be quiet." Draco whispered.
"Yeah, I know smart-arse. I'll be in as much shit as you, if anyone sees us."
"They will have noticed you were missing this morning."
"Oh, I'll just tell them that I had to return a book to the library or something. What are you going to say?"
Draco glanced round, and stopped. "They wouldn't have noticed yet."
"What? Nobody?"
Draco stared at Harry steadily.
"I don't remember what happened last night you know……"
"You were walking around, and you…said some things which I didn't understand."
"What things!" Draco hissed "No, wait. Meet me tonight. You can explain to me just how much you heard."
On that cryptic note, the two boys exited the tower and went their separate ways. Harry took one last glance at the other boy's retreating back, and debated whether or not to go to the meeting. Why should he? This was Draco…the one who had tricked him into a midnight meeting in the first year. But then Harry was also curious. What was this new relationship he had with Draco? Something had changed overnight- he had taken a new perspective.
A/N: The title is of a Magritte- (who was into stuff about conceptions, perspective and the faith we place in suppositions yadayada)
La Condition Humaine (1934)
Perhaps a Part II?
Thanks to all those who reviewed:
'Disconnected'
'Darkness Visible'
'An Advancement of Learning'
finite : )