DarkWarLordofDoomness: Yay! I updated Money Management, surprisingly, so now I'm going to update this!

StevetheEvilTomato: And not update Money Management for another two months.

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Exac-HEY!!! For your information, mister, I was up half the night from insomnia!

Steve: So?

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Steve, don't you know anything? I do my best work when I am caffeinated after five hours of sleep!

Steve: Huh. I didn't know you were staying up THAT late.

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Well, yeah, this coming from a tomato in my head. I went to bed, got an idea for storyness, went back to bed, came up with another idea I didn't want to forget, back to bed, couldn't sleep, so I read a book for a while. Then I fell asleep while listening to Linkin Park.

Steve: O.o You fell asleep to THEM!?!

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Yep. All that screaming either makes me want to do somthing active,or it makes me tired.

Steve: Freak.

Disclaimer:

Doubt-Bringer#1: Thisss sso-called "DarkWarLordofDoomnessssss" ownsss nothing.

Doubt-Bringer#2: Nadda.

Doubt-Bringer#3: Nothing at allsss!

Doubt-Bringer#1: You can't ssssmilessss!!!!

Doubt-Bringer#3: Why notsss? I like sssmilingssss.

Doubt-Bringer#2: We're crossesss between dementorsss and ringwraithssss!! We're evilsss!!!!

Doubt-Bringer#3: -.- Sssso?

Doubt-Bringer#1: (slaps him) We. Do. Not. Sssssmilessss!!!

Doubt-Bringer#3: Meaniesssss.

Doubt-Bringer#2: I givessss up.

Mission 3.5 FIND THE ESKIMO!!!!!! (And Have A Nice Day!)

"You thought you were there to guide me, you were only in my way, you're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you!!! On my own, cause I can't take livin' with yooooooou!! I'm alooooone, so I won't turn out like you want me to! You thought were standing beside me, you were only in my way, you-" BLAM!!

The pilot stared at his ruined CD player. Everyone else on the jet stared at Falco.

Falco, still groggy and tired, couldn't register exactly where he was for a minute. This place wasn't his familiar room. And the CD player he'd shot wasn't his. 'Oops...'

"Urm...sorry....heh heh..." He laughed nervously. He suddenly remembered the mission, the jet, how they were on their way to an icy wasteland...he decided that sleep was the best thing to do at the moment.

"Uh, we're here!" The co-pilot informed them, staring nervously at Falco's blaster.

Dang.

Everyone prepared themselves for the sheer cold that awaited them. You know, big bulky jackets, specialized scarves, hats, goggles, giant boots that constantly made you trip, that sort of thing. They all reluctantly left the warmth and comfort of the megajet.

"Tell me again why we are here."

"To find the eskimo who says 'beardo.'"

"Aren't eskimos normally in the North Pole?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too."

"Maybe Master Hand sent us the wrong information."

".......Why would he do that?"

"Maybe he didn't hear Zelda correctly."

"That's likely."

Marth, Link and Roy waded through the snow in silence. Amazingly, everyone (Except Luigi) had come along for this mission. Actually, they'd had no choice. Master Hand sent a megajet to pick them up. The thing was piloted by a special unit specializing in flying. There was just enough time before departure to gag down a few platefuls of soggy, sooty pancakes. Or to dunk your face into a sink full of water. Whichever you prefered.

Peach shivered behind Mario. "It's so cold." she whined.

Mario watched the jet take off, then walked after Roy, Marth, and Link.

'Where would-a the nearest-a towna be....' He immediately stopped walking. There were no towns in Antarctica. Just several research bases, inhabited by scientists from several countries. As far as he could remember, there was only one or two guys there from the US. And they weren't eskimoes. And he doubted that any of them said 'beardo.'

"STOOOPP-A!!!" He roared above the wind.

"Dude, Mario, I'm freezing my feathers off here." Falco glared at him. "I'd like to get to the nearest town-thing as soon as possible!" He gulped when he saw Mario's icy glare, colder than even the continent they were on.

"There-a. Are-a. No. Towns. In. Antarctica! Just-a research bases-a!" He snarled. "Either Master-a Hand-a is stupider-a than we-a thought-a, or we've-a been setta up!!"

They all stood in a circle, trying to keep their faces out of the wind, fiddling uncomfortably with their special heat-conserving scarves and gloves, thinking about the implications of what he was saying.

"Master Hand wouldn't get rid of us! He needs us! The US needs us!"

Samus, a lot better off than the others in her Chozo suit, scanned the surrounding area. They had to get out of this cold. "I'll try contacting Master Hand!"

Her helmet beeped. Do do dooaoaah!!! "I'm sorry, the Hand to which you are desperately trying to call for help is out of your service area. Please hang up and try to survive on your own."

"It's no good! We have to try to survive on our own!"

"I just said that!" Samus smacked her helmet. Stupid thing.

"Maybe we could try to get to that science settlement-thing Mario was talking about! Better to do something than stand around waiting for a frozen doom!"

Everyone agreed on this, and started walking.

"Samus, do you think you could get our latitude and longitude?" Link yelled over the wind.

"You know, we have little short-range walkie-talkie things." Her voice came from his ear. He yelped with surprise. "Idiot. And when I try to get our coordinates, the thing starts going, 'I'm sorry, blah blah blah blah I really need to shut up!'"

Roy's voice suddenly came in at the same time. "I think I read in a book somewhere that the best way to walk through snow is by everyone walking in a straight line, then taking turns being leader. It's supposed to save energy or something."

"You can read?" Peach snorted. "I didn't know you could."

"Yeah, and I bet you've been waiting to use that remark for YEARS."

"It's a good idea." chirped Kirby. He was holding onto Samus' leg to keep from getting blown away. "Tallest first!"

Now that they knew how the order was to be determined, they measured eachother's height. Since they had nothing with which to measure their height, this caused.....problems.

Captain Falcon was quickly determined to be the tallest. After him came Marth. There was some argument over Link's posture, but he became third. Samus went right after him. Mewtwo was fifth, though he was taller than Peach only because of his ears.

Peach went after Mewtwo. Roy, discouraged to find out that he was shorter than Peach, followed her. Falco followed Roy, and Fox followed Falco. Mario, despite being leader, was second last. And Kirby was the very last.

For what seemed like a long time, they irritably trudged along. Captain Falcon was cold.

'I'm cold. Cold cold cold cold cold cold. Very cold.'

Marth followed him, fretting over the mess his skin was turning into.

'I'm going to need a truckful of lotion by the time this is over. Lotion and a long, hot shower. A very hot shower. So hot, it'll burn my skin off. Uh, nevermind. Not THAT hot.'

'I hope we get back soon enough to finish Zelda's Welcome Back party. I'll get rid of the sprinklers, fire precautions or not, if they ruined the stuff.'

'Six hours, thirty-two minutes and sixteen seconds until I have to lead us to our death. Thirteen. Twelve. Eleven. Ten.....'

While Samus was reaquainting herself with numbers one through sixty, Mewtwo discovered something useful. If he used his powers just so, he could keep the wind from blowing ice onto him. Very useful. Then Peach started screeching behind him because his manipulation of the wind for his own comfort was causing Peach to get hit with even more icy snow. Mildly annoying. He created a snowball and threw it at her. She screeched even more loudly. At this rate, Mewtwo was going to get a headache. For someone who used his mind for pretty much everything from moving around to repairing delicate hardware to throwing annoying fools into walls, a headache would be bad. Very bad. And painful. He threw another snowball. She continued to screech. Sighing, Mewtwo wrapped his scarf around his face, hoping to block out the sound. It didn't work.

Peach continued to simmer in her anger long after she stopped screaming at Mewtwo.

'Stupid cat-thing. I hope he gets the mother of all headaches.' Her thoughts continued on, pretty much repeating themselves over and over. 'I hope his tail freezes off of his big butt, the ugly...'

'I can't believe SHE of all people is taller than me. How can that happen?!?! Am I doomed to forever be known as a short redhead?!?'

'I wish I had my alarm clock. Then I could shoot it. And make it shut up. No, I wish I had my bed. Yay....'

'I wonder if Peach remembers anything from the elevator incident. Because it would be really bad if she did. Even worse, if she found out that I shut the doors. Oooh crap, painful mental images. No. No thinking. Especially not about how she'll mangle you if she gets the chance. Nope. Not thinking.'

'I don'ta get it-a. What could Master-a Handa get from us dying-a? Maybe-a itta was a stupid-a mistake. That-a might be almost-a as bad, if-a they'ra THAT stupid-a....'

'WING THING! That rhymes! So does ring and sing and bling-bling....'

The agents trudged onward, half blinded by snow even with the goggles. Marth was in the front now.

'Stupid Mewtwo....'

'I heard that, Peach.'

'I want my bed.......'

'Zelda's so pretty. And smart. And strong. I wonder exactly how long it'll be until she gets back....'

'I-a don'ta get it...'

'Mat. Bat. Cat. Rat. Brat. What else rhymes?'

'Why can't I grow more?!?! An inch, even. Anything.....'

'I'm dead. So dead. Peach is probably thinking about killing me even as we speak. No, more likely Falco. Or Marth. What about Roy? Dang, she gets mad at everyone.'

'Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Cold. Coooooooooooooold.'

'Three hours, fifty minutes, and thirty seconds....'

'Lotion. Hot shower. Lots of chicken soup. Sounds good. Not like this cold. I hate Antactica. Why anyone would want to study this stupid hunk of dead iceness is beyond me-' "OOOOOOOOOOW!!!!" Marth felt his head hit something hard. Slouched against the cold, he hadn't seen anything until it was right under his nose. Or in front of his head. Either way, here was a building. A building. A beautiful, solid building made of something other than ice. Excitedly, the Smashers all searched for an entrance. When they found it, they rang the doorbell.

Dun-do!

"......"

"No one's answering...."

"Ring it again!"

Dun-do! Dun-do!

"......................."

"Let me do it!"

Dun-do! Dun-do! Dun-do!

"They're still not answering!"

"So close to safety, yet so far away!"

"Dude, you need to press it really, really, really fast, like this!"

DunDunDunDunDunDunDun-do!!

"Falco, shut up, it won't work like that. ! You need to do it to a tune or something! MOVE!"

Dun-do DunDun-do, DunDunDun-do!

"................." Silence, except for the roar of the wind and ice.

"Dude, just keep on doing it until they answer!"

"It won't work! I bet it's broken!"

"It's fine, we just need to push the button harder!"

DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUNDUclick

"What was that click sound?!?"

"What click sound? I didn't hear any click sound!"

"Dude, there was so a click sound!"

"LET-a ME-a DO IT-A!! Mama mia, those-a idiots...."

Click! Click! Click! Click!

"..................."

"Way to go, Samus."

"........Shuddap, shorty."

"I AM NOT SHORT!!!!"

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"AM NOT!" Roy poked her angrily with his sword.

"ARE TOO!" Samus hit him with her chozo cannon.

"Children, children, stop your bickering."

"KEEP OUT OF THIS MEWTWO!!!"

Thirty seconds later, Samus and Roy were collapsed against the wall, dazed. Mewtwo remained where he was, but he held his throbbing head in his hands...paws....things. The others stared for a moment, eyes wide, then quickly lost interest and focused their attention on other things.

"Knock on the door!"

Tap! Tap! Tap!

"You pansy! That's not how you knock! "

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW MY HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Idiot!"

"Shut up, pansy."

"I AM NOT A PANSY!!" Mewtwo sent Link a withering glare as his headache grew worse. "Sorry......."

"WE'RE DOOMED!" Falco, Peach, and Captain Falcon yelled. "DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"

"SHUT UP!!" Mewtwo snarled as he wrenched the door off its hinges. His eyes glowed yellow-gold with anger. He was surrounded by purple/black flames. A psychic with a headache was a fearful thing indeed.

They instantly shut up and ran inside. There was a man sitting at the table sipping herbal tea.

"Hello?" Marth waved to him. He appeared not to notice.

"Well.....we rang the doorbell, but no one came, so we just kind of...."

Someone else, a polar bear in a showercap and towel, came running down the hallway.

"They always have to come when I'm in the shower, don't they?!?" He saw them. Oh, hello. I'm sorry I didn't get to the door in time. I was taking a shower, and....." His jaw dropped. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DOOR!!?!"

Everyone slowly edged away from Mewtwo. "He did it!"

"......"

"Argh..." the polar bear shook his head unhappily. He tapped the tea-sipping man's shoulder, and made some signs with his paws. The man nodded and went into another room.

"I guess-a....um..that-a we should-a introduce ourselves. I'ma Mario, and this is my team. We're-a from Sector-a SSBM of the US of A."

"The polar bear stared at them is surprise. "THAT sector? Dang. What are you all doing here, anyway?"

"We think our boss made a mistake when he gave us our mission. Is there anyway we can contact him?"

"Yes, there's a giant TV/telephone in the other room, you can call him from there." the polar bear pointed a large clawed paw at a door. "By the way, my names Coca Cola, and the other guy's name is Dan the Deaf Guy. He's a genius mechanic person."

"Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU Mr. Cola!"

"Call me Coca." The bear said dismissively. "Mr. Cola is what my dad's called."

"Is your father in those famous soda commercials!?!?"

"Yeah, and he'll never let me forget it...." With this, the bear ushered them into the room.

At the front of the room was a giant screen, with a pedastal in font of it. Mario went to the pedastal, and dialed a series of numbers on the keypad. The spies waited for Master Hand to pick up.

"...they ALWAYS call when I'm in the shower! Hello?" The giant hand, wearing a bathrobe and showercap, answered.

"Master-a Hand? Is that-a you?"

"How many other giant, floating hands do you know?" He snapped back, twitching. Drops of water splattered on the screen.

"Don't you have a brother or something?" Kirby piped up.

Master Hand froze. If he had eyes, he'd probably use them to glare at Kirby. At any rate, he didn't, so he made a very rude gesture at him.

Mario cleared his throat. "Master-a Hand-a, are you-a sure the eskimo is-a here-a? Because-"

Master Hand interrupted him. "Actually, no. You see, the report has a typo in it."

Link blinked. (A/N: LINK BLINK! That rhymes....heh heh....) Was it his imagination, or did Master Hand seem cheerful at the change of subject? He apparently didn't like talking about his brother that much. (A/N Whatever gave him that idea?)

"Whatta was the a-typo?" Mario was not as easily distracted as Link.

"Hold on....." Master Hand left the screen for a moment. He returned with a piece of paper. "Okay, right here, it says the Eskimo is in the 'Nouth' pole."

"Uh-huh....."

"We assumed the n, not the u, was a mistake."

"................................."

"Really, it's Zelda's fault. Doesn't she have spellcheck?"

"..................."

"OKAY, OKAY, it's our fault. Sheesh. The eskimo is on the other side of the planet, more than 10,000 miles away from where we sent you. Happy?!?"

"No. You're still sending us to another freezing cold place."

"Whatever. I'm sending another megajet to pick you guys up."

"Are you sending the same guys you sent last time?" Falco jumped in. If they were the same guys whose CD player had been blown up by him, things could get.....awkward.

"No, for some reason those guys refuse to have anything to do with Sector SSBM ever again. We're sending some guys from another special unit. The second they arrive, I want you guys to get your butts up to the North Pole, pronto. You've wasted enough time." He recieved an unhealthy dose of glares for that last sentence. "Okay, WE wasted enough time. Report when you've recieved the information from the Eskimo who says 'beardo.'" He turned his back on the screen. Master Hand then looked around furtively,and started to dance. "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and brIGHT! And I pity, oh so pity......"

Their eyes glued themselves to the screen. Mewtwo's headache grew steadily more painful. He turned and flew from the room. Fox and Falco muttered excuses about wanting hot chocolate and fled. Peach, thinking hot chocolate sounded good, followed them. The rest stayed, hypnotized by the sight of their boss dancing.

"I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I- hey, is this still on?!"

The spell broken, the spies initiated a mass exodus from the room as their boss spouted curses and expletives that, if written down, would get this fic deleted five seconds after this chappie was posted.

The kitchen was five levels below the surface, so Fox and Falco got onto the elevator. Mewtwo, in desperate need of Aspirin and herbal tea, also got on. Had he been able to think properly, he would have taken another elevator, or the stairs. But it was impossible for him to think with his head throbbing and his nose dripping....

'MY NOSE IS DRIPPING!?!' Woo. 'Just what I needed,' he thought venemously. 'A cold.'

The door had started to close just before Peach got on. Strangely, she had the oddest sense of deja-vu when she was about a foot away from the door. As the elevator doors closed, she thought she saw Falco and Fox exchange nervous glances. Why would they be nervous? Then, she remembered.

She remembered hearing Falco shoot his alarm clock.

She recalled chasing him down the hall with her paintball machine gun.

She recollected seeing Fox's and Mewtwo's tails as the doors slammed together in front of her face.

She remembered it all. Smiling, Peach leaned against the wall.

"Can any of you remember the last time you three were in an elevator together?"

"Erm, no, I can't! Can you, Fox?"

"Nope!" Fox raised his voice a bit too much, and plastered a fake grin on his face.

Mewtwo sneezed. A stool that had been left for anyone too short to reach the elevator buttons was blown apart.

Peach, still smiling dangerously, aimed her paintball machine gun at the three.

"I do."

When the elevator reached Level 5, Peach daintily brushed imaginary dust off her designer pants and walked out. Humming, she was pleasantly surprised to find a hot chocolate maker next to the coffee one. She poured hot chocolate for herself, then walked up the stairs. Exercise was nice once in a long while.

She found the rest of the team chatting with Coca while waiting for the megajet to arrive. Smiling, Peach joined in on the conversation.

About two hours later, Mewtwo, Fox, and Falco appeared just before the megajet arrived. Granted, they had done a fairly good job of cleaning up the paint that covered them from head to toe. But evidence of the paint, and Peach's wrath, still remained. The welts from getting hit by a paintball at close range. The headaches they ALL had. The fact that, upon entering the jet, they all waited until Peach went in before they went anywhere near it, then chose seats as far away from her as possible.

The pilot greeted them all cheerfully. He looked like he was about to go on a roller coaster or something. His copilot, in contrast, looked stressed, tired, and haggard. When they entered, he squeaked out a quiet hello, then gripped his seat as though it was the only thing between him and certain death.

After they were seated, the pilot picked up the overcom and cheerfully stated, "Next stop: North Pole! Please try to remain seated! Unless you want to use the bathroom in the back!"

With a rumble, the megajet took off into the sky. Marth glanced curiously at the copilot as he reclined on the unbelievably comfy seats. He looked, if possible, even more frightened. He poked Roy, meaning to point this out, but Roy only glared back and told him to shut up and let him sleep "before I use my sword to give you a lovely new haircut." Not wanting to risk his hair, Marth left him alone.

After a while, when most of them had almost nodded off, the pilot yelled out "WOOO! TIME TO STRAP YERSELVES IN, WE'VE GOT TURBULANCE!!!" Before they could even strap themselves in, the jet rolled over, then dived and pulled up sharply. Bruised, they had only just returned to their seats when....

"OH NO!! MORE TURBULANCE!!" The pilot shouted happily. The jet flipped, turned sharply twice, then did what felt like a loop-de-loop. When the plane flew a steady course once again, the spies picked themselves up from the floor, whining about various injuries.

"AAAH!! WE SEEM TO BE ENCOUNTERING A LOT MORE TURBULANCE!" The megajet turned up sharply. The spies were all thrown to the back. They were pressed against the wall, unable to move or do anything but scream with terror.

As he was squashed against the wall with Mario's butt in his face, some distant, detatched part of Link's mind was reassuring him that his day couldn't get any worse. The rest of him screamed in panic.

The jet finally levelled out, and the spies fell to the floor, weak with relief.

Then the megajet started to dive.

The spies fell towards the windshield, shrieking while their panic-stricken minds envisioned painful deaths at the end of a long fall. As the jet moved faster towards the ground, Link experienced, for one moment, the sensation of floating. Then the pilot pulled out of the dive and he was slammed against the floor.

When he opened his eyes, he couldn't see anything but those pesky stars going in a circle around his head. Growling, he swat at them. The stars dejectedly fell to the floor and burst into flame. Slowly, every muscle in his body screaming bad names at him, he got to his feet.

The pilot was bound and gagged. In his seat sat Fox. The copilot looked a lot happier now that someone else was flying. Mario spat out a tooth.

"You've abeen a-knocked outta for-a while." He pointed out the obvious to Link.

"We should be set to land in twenty minutes." The copilot announced.

After they landed......

The spies stared at Mario.

"Soo....what do we do now?"

"We-" Mario was interrupted as Kirby was thrown from the jet.

"Leave Mewtwo alone." Samus smirked, not that anyone saw it. Kirby got to his feet.

"He won't come outside!" He whined. "He just sits there holding a giant box of tissues, then yells at me to 'geb the heg oub of here beforb I-'"

"Throw-a you outta of the-a jet?"

"Exactly!"

"It's probably-a best-a if we just leave him-a there." Mario sighed.

"So, how do we find this eskimo?Do we just go around talking to as many as possible to see if any of them say 'beardo?'"

"......................."

Since they couldn't think of anything else to do, that's what they did. Hours passed as they spoke to eskimoes. Trying to retain some of their spy dignity, they dressed in disguises, and pretended to be taking surveys.

Some were subtle and skilled.

"How good is the fishing in this area?"

"Do you think the schools have adequate funding?"

"What is your favorite brand of shampoo?"

Others were.....not.

"Do you say 'beardo?'"

"No....."

"Do you know anyone who says 'beardo?'"

"No........"

"Does anyone you know go around saying 'Hey I met this weird guy who says 'beardo?''"

"No. Don't you think you used a lot of quotes for that last sentence?"

After inspecting his sentence, Roy announced, "No. I was quoting someone quoting someone else. I used the right amount......I think. Bye."

Elsewhere, Falco just randomly walked around. He had no clue what to do. He spotted some random eskimo guy eating something. Curious as to what he was ingesting, Falco walked up to him.

"What are you eating?"

The guy showed him a frozen tomato on a stick. It alreadyhad a large bite taken out of it.

"I eat da frozen tomatoes, they're a healthy snack, doncha know...." He took a bite."...beardo."

Falco snapped to attention. "Beardo?!?" He grabbed his walkie talkie."Guys, I FOUND HIM!!"

When the others had congregated around him, Mario stepped forward with a badge.

"We're Sector SSBM, we were told you have information for us."

The Eskimo nodded. His frozen-tomato-snack done, he tossed aside the stick. "It's important information, beardo. Something weird is going on in Brazil! Sudden weapons and da like, comin' out of nowhere. Oh, and I belive Zelda is already dere waitin' for you guys to arrive, beardo."

The spies cheered.They would get to be somewhere warm, and they'd see Zelda!! None of them wondered about how an eskimo would have information about Brazil.

Hurriedly, they ran onto the megajet, stopping only to thank the Eskimo. It took off. The flight was relatively uneventful, until.....

"ATCHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" The mug holding Mewtwo's tea exploded.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEWW, I've got cat-thing snot on me!!! GROSS!!"

ThE cHaPpIe EnDs HeRe

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Wow..... O.o That is a long chapter. Hope you guys liked it!

Steve: The......Eskimo....he.....ate.....a....tomato....

DarkWarLordofDoomness: -.-; Well, yeah. Want me to read that part for you again?

Steve: He....he.....

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Spit it out, Steve.

Steve: HE ATE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND!!!! TT.TT

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Oo;

Audience: oO;