DarkWarLordofDoomness: Guess what? Tis the season of gift-giving! Yes, in July! You get a new chapter of Money management for SSBM, and I get a cold. Everyone wins! (sniffs, sneezes)

StevetheEvilTomato: Except you.

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Unless I get reviews. nn Then I'll win, too. (Hint, hint: Reviews encourage updates!)

StevetheEvilTomato: Are you trying to bribe the readers with updates? O.o

DarkWarLordofDoomness: Maaaaaaaaaybe...

StevetheEvilTomato: They'll never fall for it. They're not stupid. How many reviews were you getting before you took that hiatus? Don't use bribery, use threats! They're more effective!

DarkWarLordofDoomness: ...Review! Or I will sneeze on you, and give you my filthy cold germs!

StevetheEvilTomato: Much better. Just, get away from me, I don't want your cold...

Disclaimer I don't advise suing DarkWarLordofDoomness, because she doesn't own SuperSmashBrothers:Melee, or any of the characters. Those are the property of Nintendo. Well, except Mary-Sue. Only, she's sort of the embodiment of all that is evil, and a sort of parody of Mary-Sues in general, so she doesn't really count. But, anyways, no suing, or else DarKWarLordofDoomness will find you, and then sneeze on you, and pass on her cold and all of the nasal discomfort that comes with it.

Chapter 12: Deja Vu and No More Mary-Sue

Master Hand wearily flopped out of the car. Hours and hours and hours of driving doth not a happy hand make.

Mario had already gone inside; Pasta was quickly forgotten as he tried to find Peach. Master Hand didn't anticipate a quiet evening. He was already trying to remember where his earplugs had gone, but then he remembered that he didn't exactly have ears. This left him pondering the impossibilities of his anatomy, but then he got bored with all the technical-science-ey stuff. That, and he really didn't care.

Plus, there was the matter of this "Fairy-Stew" he had heard Mario mention, once. Or maybe twice. And the name was probably not Fairy-Stew, but, as with his lack of appendages that might serve as ears, he didn't care. He just wanted to make sure that this Airy Boo person didn't want to be paid.

As he floated towards the door, free of the close confines of the door, his mind drifted to the inevetible job search that lay ahead. Starbucks hadn't taken to his sudden diappearence well.

Flashback!

Master Hand put several coins in the payphone, and dialed Starbucks number. He might as well check to see if he was fired, or something. He had been gone a while, and his boss might not be too happy...

"Hello?"

"Master Hand!" Something in the backround crashed. "Where the heck have you been?"

"Um..." Somehow, telling his boss he'd been in Vegas while a disaster of some sort struck didn't seem like a good idea. "I was...visiting my dying Aunt Gertrude in...Iowa."

There were more crashes, and a lot of incoherent yelling. "I don't care about a dying aunt named Gertrude! We've got a crisis h-"

He was suddenly cut off when more screams and crashes erupted, and Master Hand barely heard someone shriek, "CAFFEINE! GIVE ME COFFEE!"

"Never! I'll never GIVE you coffee! You'll have to wait in long lines and pay ridiculous amounts of money like everyone else!"

"GIMME!"

"I said no! And Master Hand, you're fired!"

The phone disconnected. Master Hand looked at it, and got back in the car.

Mario looked at him. "So-a, what a-did your boss-a say?"

"I think I'm fired."

End Flashback!

Master Hand shook his head, or whatever might have served for a head, and entered the mansion. As he did so, he felt a definate, overpowering sense of deja vu.

Peach was chasing Mario, yelling something about how he had turned her heart into sliced bread. He considered sneaking past them, but then Peach stopped chasing Mario and started throwing things. Remembering that getting hit with things hurt, Master Hand decided that he should be a smart cookie and temporarily retreat outside. He floated over the porch for a minute, listening to the crashes, and noticing that the rose bushes had been replaced with azaleas.

Upstairs, Pikachu was having a few problems. Here he was, trying to figure out how to cheaply incorporate spinning buzzsaws of doom into an arena, and no one would give him peace and quiet with which to do so. He resolved to take his frustration out on the first living thing to cross his path.

Jigglypuff walked past him, humming.

"Piiiiiiiiiiiiii..."

"KA-CHOO!"

"Gesundheit." Master Hand muttered, waiting for the crashes inside to stop.

"Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuffff!" Jigglypuff fell into the azaleas. "Jigjig puff!" She cursed, and hopped to her feet. Still smoking slightly, she stormed inside the house after pausing to greet Master Hand with a cheery "Jiggly!"

Master Hand followed her inside, and promptly got clocked on the head with a clock. He quickly retreated outside, closing the door as he went out. he waited, expectantly.

It got very interesting. First Jigglypuff, then Kirby, were launched through two windows on the top floor. As the fell through the air, they exchanged punches and kicks, none of which landed because their arms and legs were too short. Eventually, the slowly falling puffballs landed in the azaleas, and began a high-pitched yelling match.

Ganondorf peeked outside from a window on the third floor. He looked down, saw Jigglypuff and Kirby, and screamed, "My azaleas!" Armed with gardening shears and a floppy yellow sunhat, he leaped out the window. For some reason, he expected there to be a shower of glass, but since he had jumped out of an open window, there was no dramatic glass-shattering involved. The mansion shook as he landed.

Kirby looked at Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff looked at Kirby. They ran as fast as their stubby little legs would take them.

Pulling floral-print gardening gloves on over his huge hands, Ganondorf began the tiring and thankless work of tending to his azaleas.

If Master Hand had eyelids, or eyes for that matter, he would have blinked right then. Since he didn't, he just thought, 'To heck with it! Heck, I say!' and floated inside.

Mario was hiding behind a chair as Peach threw collectable Kaepora Gaebora figurines at him.

Fox seemed to be chasing Captain Falcon with an ant. Captain Falcon was screaming at a pitch so high that an opera singer would be jealous.

Mr. Game&Watch was fighting with Yoshi. Over what, I don't know, nor do I particularly care. Yoshi hit Mr. Game&Watch with an egg, and Mr. Game&Watch gave him a papercut, at which point Yoshi started shrieking because of the terrible sting.

It was chaos.

And then Crazy Hand bounded down the stairs, crashing into the wall occasionally because he was so excited that his twitching was beyond control.

And once Crazy Hand enters an already chaotic situation, it becomes more than chaotic. It becomes crazily chaotic.

Crazy Hand tackled Master Hand, who fell back into the last of the Kaepora Gaebora figurines. Jigglypuff and Kirby jumped over them, fighting in a slow-motion, Matrix-esque style. Pikachu ran after them, screaming profanity in his language.

All of the noise woke up Samus, and she also began shrieking profanity. And while she shrieked profanity, she was also firing her Chozo cannon at everyone and everything. Mewtwo just happened to be floating by, and decided to join in on the fun by firing shadow balls at random people. Donkey Kong, sitting in the partially-remodeled kitchen, ate a banana. He dropped the peel, wondering what was causing all of the noise in the other room. He walked forward, but slipped on the banana peel. His knees skinned, his rump sore, and feelings hurt, he began crying in great, shaky sobs. Dr. Mario sighed, and put a band-aid on each of DK's knees. DK sniffed, and said something Dr. Mario didn't quite catch.

"What did you say-a?"

"You need to kiss my boo-boo." DK whimpered.

"Excuse a-me?"

"Boo-boos no stop hurting if you no kiss them!"

"I'm not kissing your-a knee! Kiss-a it a-yourself-a, you a-stupid ape!"

This made DK mad.

Nana, Popo, Ness, and Young Link didn't hear Dr. Mario's screams, as they were heatedly arguing over whether China's growing economic power would negatively or positively affect Europe.

"SHUT UP!" Master Hand roared over everyone else.

Everyone shut up.

"You can kill eachother some other time, people. Now, where's this Hairy-Poo person I've heard about?"

Zelda, who had just come downstairs, snickered.

"It's Mary-Sue." Mary-Sue said, somewhat annoyed at Master Hand for calling her hair-covered excrement.

"Sure, right, whatever, I care. See, thing is, Gary-Stu," he looked around, oblivious to Mary-Sue's annoyed snort, "I left for about a week. Can't really specify, as time flies in Vegas. Anyways, I left, and came back to find everything out of order. Peach seems to have gone gothic..."

Peach, dressed in black and in the process of making another crappy poem, snorted.

"The kitchen seems to have been partially destroyed."

"We can explain..." Falco muttered. As he said this, what remained of the kitchen collapsed.

"Sure you can. Maybe you can also explain why no one is at work. Or why you're all at eachother's throats. Or why there's azaleas instead of rosebushes."

"Azaleas are pretty!" Ganondorf said, waving his gardening shears.

"Or why the kids there were discussing politics."

Everyone gasped, and gave Nana, Popo, Ness and Young Link disapproving glares.

"I find this unacceptable. SO..."

Everyone held their breath.

"Carey Drew, you're fired."

A lot of the guys cried, but Zelda and Peach cheered.

Mary-Sue was silent for a moment. Then she smiled. Her smile was evil, but still quite charming.

"Fine then. But as for my pay..."

Master Hand cursed.

"Trust me, you can't afford it. I checked your finances, I should know. So you'll have to pay me with the rights to your merchandise!"

"What!"

"You heard me! All of the videogames, the t-shirts, the shoes, the little action figures, the..." she went on for a while, "...even those stupid little trading cards that were popular for a while. All will belong to me!"

"You can't do that!"

"Oh? Can't I? You forget, I've got something you definately can't afford now. A lawyer."

They all gasped. Master Hand was about to introduce her to his finger lazers when...

"Hold on!" Mewtwo pointed to the tv. "You'll want to see the news!"

Fox squished the ant he was holding, and oblivious to it's dying screams, went to get the remote from where it always was.

It wasn't there!

"The remote's missing!"

"What!"

"You're kidding!"

"It can't be!"

Panicked, they all searched for it.

Mary-Sue sighed, and then found it. "I have magical, remote-finding powers. Some super-powerful, really famous and popular story character taught them to me." she told them, and turned on the tv.

The daily news was on.

"Convenient."

"...forecasts show that Tuesday will partially cloudy, then partially sunny, and then partially cloudy and sunny, with a small chance of rain at night..."

"You wanted us to see the weather?" Marth asked Mewtwo.

"Wait for it..." Mewtwo held a paw to his forehead and closed his eyes. "Wait for it..."

"Okay..."

"Wait for it..."

"Wait for it..."

'Some psychic...'

"I heard that, Bowser. Wait for it"

"...wait, wait, wait, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait...NOW!"

"And now for this breaking news!" Anchorwoman Barbie tilted her head and smiled at the camera. "The Starbucks riot gets out of control! We now go to our reporter on the field, Yore Mamae! He's gotten another story, despite everyone's doubts."

Yore's face appeared on the screen. "At least I passed elementary school, Barbie." He said, while coffee-deprived people ran around screaming and looting in the backround. "As you can see, it's chaos. An employee didn't show up for work, and the Starbucks was already understaffed and so service was slow and lines were long. More so than usual. Some people snapped and went crazy."

"Now, Yore, I thought people were tired if they didn't have caffeine."

"And you're stupid. Studies show that if you are really desperate for something, you can get enough energy to keep going for quite some time. But police warn that these people may be mentally unstable until they have ingested some caffeine. Think Barbie when she first gets to the news station in the morning."

The camera switched to Barbie; she had sprayed coffee all over her co-anchor.

"That's all that's of interest to us." Mewtwo said.

"Okay, why should we know about some caffeine riot?"

"Because," Metwo turned, dramatically raised a paw and pointed outside, "they're coming."

Everyone stared out the door, waiting for the riot to appear.

"It-it'll take a few minutes for them to get here. Just wait for it..."

"Ah crap." Marth said glumly. "And here I was hoping to sleep in."

Roy chuckled. "It's great to be home, isn't it?"

Samus, Falco, and Fox checked their weapons. Satisfied that they were indeed armed and dangerous, they soon took out a deck of cards and played Egyptian War. Those three soon forgot everyone else as they got very slap-happy.

Master Hand would have loved to raise an eyebrow at them, but instead he glared at Mary-Sue, and she calmly glared back. It was soon a glaring contest, which is similar to a staring contest, only with glaring. The first to turn away or blink would be the loser.

Pikachu went upstairs to work on his plans for a buzzsaw of doom. He already had the buzzsaw, he just needed to figure out the details. As he cursed in frustration, he realized what he was saying, and clamped a paw over his mouth. Reassured that Pichu had not heard the words he had spoken, he suddenly noticed that he had not seen Pichu all day. Shrugging it off, he turned his thoughts back to his work.

Outside and several streets away...

Pichu dragged a bag of newspapers down the street. It was hard work, because each of the newspapers was as big as she was, and a lot heavier. She removed one, and dragged it down the sidewalk and up to a porch, where she left it. Returning to the bag, she continued to walk down her paper route.

'Think of the DS.' she thought, sweat dripping down her face. 'Focus on that...'

Finally, after she dragged the bag about six feet, she sat down to rest. She was tired, and sweaty, and this was hard, dangit!

After a few minutes past, she thought she saw something a block or so away. Curious, she stood on top of a newspaper to get a better view. It was a group of people...and they seemed angry...

Should she run? They couldn't be angry at her, after all. She was a cute li'l Pichu. But, still, what if they were mean to her? That might ruin her day. And what about the newspapers?

They were close enough so that she could hear their voices. They were saying something about how they needed more coffee...

Pichu's mind was made up. Screw the newspapers, she was going home.

Pichu ran towards the mansion.

"Wait for it..."

"Dude, you've been saying that constantly for ten minutes. Shut up already."

Mewtwo telekinetically threw Falco into a wall. "Wait for it...they're almost here..."

Pichu ran in as soon as he said that. "Pipipichu pichu chu pi!" she yelled, jumping up and down while waving her arms.

"Eh?"

"The riot is here." Mewtwo said.

Samus took one look at the approaching riot. It was huge. 'A couple of well-aimed missiles might...'

"You don't want to do that."

Samus turned and gave Mewtwo a LOOK. That cat-psychic thing was really getting on her nerves, what with his attitude and...psychicness. With the mind-reading. The horrifically accurate and annoying mind-reading.

"Tell me, why would I not want to blow something up?"

"They're humans. Humans who are not rabid and fangirly, but have instead been deprived of caffeine because of circumstances beyond their control."

"And then there's the little matter of the reporters being right behind them. Blowing people up is not something you want to be seen doing on television, unless you're in a movie."

"Okay then."

Master Hand and Mary-Sue still glared at eachother as panicked Smashers swarmed around them.

It was a tough battle. Master Hand felt his non-existent eyes water, but tried to ignore it. He must not blink. To blink would mean weakness. So he would not blink. It didn't occur to him that since he didn't have eyelids, or eyes for that matter, he couldn't blink. There was no way he could lose, but he didn't know that. So, in actuality, it wasn't a tough battle, just a long one, because Mary-Sue was good at this.

As rioting caffeine-a-holics tried to get inside ("You have coffee, don't you?") the Smashers had their hands full trying to do all of the stuff they should have done earlier.

Which is where the moral of this chapter lies. Don't procastinate, kiddies, lest you find yourself trying to fortify a house against a riot when the riot is right outside. Or something like that.

Marth, Roy and Link pushed a table up against the door, hoping to create a barrier between them and the riot. Young Link watched as they huffed and puffed and sweated trying to move the couch as well.

"Can't they come in through the back? Or the kitchen?" he asked.

As the horrifying thought struck them, they turned, to see the caffeine-deprived ones there.

"Caffeine!" one cried.

"Give us coffee!" shrieked another.

"And a decent dental plan!" yelled a guy with a picket sign that said More money for our work, you jerk!

Everyone looked at him.

He blinked.

"So...wait, this isn't the Teacher's United March for Decent Pay?"

They all shook their heads.

"We're coffee-deprived Starbucks customers rioting because of slow service."

"And we're celebrity-ish people who spent all of our money, and we can't get a break now. At all."

"Oh...well, I'll just get going then." And with that, the under-paid teacher left.

Everyone blinked.

"HAH!" Master Hand yelled triumphantly. "YOU BLINKED! I WON! YOU LOST! LOSER!"

"You did too. See, it said 'Everyone blinked.' That includes you, Smart One."

"..." Master Hand picked up Mary Sue, floated outside, and threw her as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mary-Sue screamed prettily as she flew threw the sky like an angel from above.

"And before anyone asks, no, I have no clue why I did not do that earlier." Master Hand turned, and then saw the rioters for the first time. "Why are you here?"

"We want coffee." said one rioter sheepishly.

"There's a coffee store a block away from Starbucks that is cheaper and better. Go there."

Blinking uncertainly, they looked at Master Hand.

"But the coffee cups won't have the trendy logo."

"And you think we will? Shoo! Go! Now!"

The Starbucks rioters slowly walked out. Sighing, Master Hand picked up the classifieds. He needed to find a cheap way to repair the kitchen, there were new window panes that needed purchasing, the house was a mess, and he needed a job. He looked up, and noticed that the Smashers were staring at him. "What?"

"It's just...where the heck were you?"

"...Vegas. And why aren't you at work?"

"You were at Vegas? Why didn't you bring us?"

"If I remember correctly, you were dealing with an ant problem at the time. And why aren't you at work?"

"...Forgot."

"Sure."

Someone knocked on the barricaded door.

Sighing with frustration, Master Hand floated irritably across the room, picked up the table, threw it at Bowser because he was a stupid stupid-head, and opened the door.

"What?" For one, terrifying moment he thought it was Mary-Sue, back from the dead-I mean, air. But he quickly set that fear aside. This woman, while she was wearing one of those buisness suits Mary-Sue had liked, had a lot more wrinkles, and was no where near as pretty. Her hair also had this icky, permed look to it.

"I'm here representing the Melee School District. It has come to our attention that many of the minors in this household have not gone to a school in a while, so-"

Master Hand shut the door in her face. He didn't want to hear it right now. And school? Since when did fighters need school?

"We're going to have to ask that you send the minors listed here to the appropriate school in 48 hours." The District Representative climbed in through a window and held out an official-looking paper.

"You're kidding me."

"No, I'm not. And if you don't send them, you may be subject to a very big fine."

"..." Master Hand took the paper.

"Have a nice day." She left through the window.

"I don't need no school!" Popo yelled from upstairs. "I speak just great! And I can read!"

"Popo, you're holding the book upside-down."

"I knew that."

Master Hand floated there, listening to this. "Fox?"

"What?"

"Start hitting your head against the wall."

"Why?"

"Because I don't have one, and someone needs to hit their head against the wall right now."

"Why?"

"Because the scene calls for it, stupid!"

"Why?"

"Because I'm frustrated!"

"Why?"

"Because everything's messed up!"

"Why?"

"Because!"

"Why?"

Master Hand burned Fox's tail with his finger lazer. "Why? That's why! Now shut up!"

"Why?"

Master Hand gave up, decided that his pinky was now his head, and hit his pinky against the wall.

EnD oF tHe ChApTeR!

Muahaahaha...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!

Steve: Okay, now I'm scared.