Title: Animal Fun

Author: frkwerewolf

Pairing: Harry/Ron

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 1,684

Summary: Hogwarts visits the school, and Ron discovers something strange.

Warnings: minor language and minor sexual innuendos.

Note: for the harry-and-ron Challenge #5 on livejournal, premise chosen: A humor fic in which Harry and Ron go to the zoo, and it is discovered that Ron can also talk to a certain animal. Monkeytongue, perhaps?

Sub-Note: I've never been to a zoo in England, so forgive me if any of this is completely out of sorts.

The patrons of the zoo watched in amusement and slight horror as the large group of students darted from here to there. A regal looking woman lead them, followed from a distance by a sour-faced man in all black. The workers of the zoo listened intently as the students stated similarities between various animals and mystical beasts, all the while wondering what kind of school these people came from. After a while of observing, they decided that the children were not going to be tormenting the animals and left them to their own devices.

"Gather around, students." Professor McGonagall said sharply. Professor Snape stood next to her, eyes narrowed in distaste. The students all agreed that Snape looked horrid in the sunlight, and wondered how he managed to get talked into this field trip in the first place. Harry suspected Dumbledore, the Headmaster was always doing something to torment his Potions Master.

"All right, listen up." Snape hissed. "You all have four hours until lunch. In four hours exactly, you shall commence to the cafeteria. If you are late, ten points will be taken from you house for every five minutes. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Professor." A murmur went through the crowd.

"Does everyone have their maps?" McGonagall asked. The large group of students held up their folded maps. "Very well. Have fun."

"Fun? How are we suppose to have fun in this bloody place?" Draco asked rudely as he sauntered of toward the snake house.

xxx

"And this is a Keel-Billed Toucan, found in the Amazon Rain Forrest." Hermione lectured. Harry and Ron stood behind her as she continued to educate them on the fascinating life of a toucan.

Yawning, Harry fought to keep his eyes open. Ron let out a great sigh and nudged Harry in the side. "C'mon, mate. She's going to be on about this for another hour. Let's go look somewhere else."

"Yeah, okay." Harry mumbled sleepily.

They silently left the bird section, leaving Hermione to lecture the poor feathered creatures. As they passed the penguins and polar bears, they could see Seamus and Dean in the distance. Dean looked to be telling Seamus something with a stern expression, the Irish boy looking a little sheepish. The Gorilla enclosure was in front of them. Inside, Harry could see a Gorilla munching on what looked to be a chocolate frog.

Inside the snake house, Harry talked in long intervals with the snakes. Ron watched in amusement as Draco sent them looks of pure venom. It wasn't until they reached the small section of spiders that Ron found himself not having fun.

"Ron, they can't get to you." Harry soothed.

"Let's go, please?" Ron whispered, his voice going absurdly high with fear. Harry smiled, slipping his arm around Ron's waist and looking up at the redhead. "What?"

"Your just so cute when you get scared, that's all." Harry informed him.

"I am not!" Ron denied as they left the spider exhibit.

Hermione found them in the section dedicated to rodents and similar mammals. Tossing her bushy hair, she send a glare towards each of them. "I can't believe you left me like that."

"Sorry, 'Mione." Ron said, though he didn't sound sorry at all.

"Oh, look!" Hermione gasped, pointing at a small enclosure.

"They're weasels." Harry said, raising an eyebrow.

"This is the rarest weasel in the world!" Hermione replied excitedly.

"Mental." Ron mumbled.

"Oh, great! Another group of idiotic children here to stick their fat noses in my face. Don't you people have anything better to do?" A rather high-pitched voice said snidely.

"Merlin's beard, did you hear that?" Ron asked Harry.

"Hear what?" Harry asked.

"There was a voice just now." Ron insisted.

"Listen here, Carrot-Top, I got a name." The same voice insisted.

"Harry, are you sure your not hearing this?" Ron asked.

"I don't hear anything, love." Harry said softly, looking concerned. Ever since they began dating, Harry looked concerned about anything Ron did that was out of sorts. Ron had to admit, it was kind of nice, having all that attention to himself. But right now it wasn't, because he was hearing voices. Which wasn't good at all.

"Your positive you can't hear that voice? The one that just called me Carrot-Top." Ron frowned.

"No, not at all." Harry shook his head.

"Blimey, you guys are a bunch of nuisances. Will you go away? And, hey, girlie, stop looking at me like I'm a science experiment!" The strange voice yelled. Ron suddenly noticed the direction the voice was coming from.

"Harry?" Ron whispered.

"Yeah?" Harry asked, dropping his voice to the same whisper.

"I think that weasel is talking." Ron told him.

"What do you mean, it's talking?" Harry stared at the weasel in question, who looked to be giving them a glare.

"He means I'm talking, you git."

"It just called you a git." Ron informed Harry.

"Honestly, Ron." Harry said in a voice oddly resembling Hermione's.

"It did! I'm serious." Ron insisted.

"Stop calling me an it, you ass. I'm a male! Check out these!" With that said, the weasel rolled onto it's back, legs spread. Ron coughed hard, turning his back to the glass.

"Huh, what a strange creature." Hermione commented, all the while scribbling notes into a small notepad. She quickly flipped it closed and turned to Ron and Harry. "Well, I'm going to see the lions. Please attempt to be on time for lunch. We don't need to lose any points."

"Yeah, okay." Harry waved her off, his eyes remaining on the weasel that was still exposing himself.

"Like that, do you?" The weasel asked in a smug voice. "Man, you kids these days are all on the bent side, aren't you? Just had a couple of kids making out in front of me about an hour ago. Man, did that Irish boy have a dirty mouth."

"Harry, stop staring at it." Ron hissed.

"Huh? Oh, okay." Harry replied.

"Got yourself a jealous one, huh? Don't worry Green-Eyes, I get that all the time. Most people like the looks of my-"

"Hey, Harry, let's go over there!" Ron said in a high voice, drowning out what the weasel was going to say.

"Ron, why are you yelling?" Harry asked, blushing as dozens of eyes turned onto them.

"Sorry." Ron replied. He waited until everyone averted their eyes before continuing. "Harry, are you certain your not hearing that voice?"

"Yeah, I'm certain. Why?"

"Because he's flirting with you." Ron informed him.

"Who?" Harry asked.

"The weasel!" Ron insisted. Harry stared at him a moment, looked at the weasel in question, then returned his gaze to Ron.

"Are you sure your feeling okay? Maybe we should of stayed at Hogwarts." Harry said in that familiar concerned voice.

"I'm feeling fine." Ron told him. "I'm serious, though."

"Funny, I thought you were Ron." Harry quipped.

"Harry!" Ron said exasperatedly. "The weasel really is talking."

"You really are serious." Harry frowned. "So, the weasel is talking?"

"Yeah." Ron nodded.

"You know, it's so annoying when people talk about you and yet your standing right here!" The weasel yelled.

"Shut up." Ron snapped.

"No, I don't think I will." The weasel told him.

"I can't believe you can talk to weasels." Harry said.

"You people are so bloody boring." The weasel whined.

"So are you!" Ron retorted.

"This is so weird." Harry shook his head. "You should hear yourself, Ron. It's bizarre. I think I know why everyone looks at me funny when I talk to snakes."

"Why don't you just bugger off?" The weasel suggested.

"Fine, we will!" Ron grabbed Harry by the hand and began dragging him out of the building.

"Ron! What's wrong?" Harry asked, stumbling behind the redhead.

"Yeah, that's right! Run you pathetic scum!" The weasel's voice yelled in the background. Ron muttered a series of curses under his breath.

"Mr. Weasley, you would do well to hold you tongue." Professor Snape glared when they had reached the cafeteria. "Twenty points from Gryffindor for being late and ten points for having a foul mouth."

"Stupid weasel, it's all his fault." Ron muttered to himself as he joined Harry and Hermione at their table.

"Ron, what are you talking about?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione, guess what?" Harry said excitedly. "Ron can talk to weasels!"

"You can talk to weasels?" Hermione asked, looking confused.

"Yeah, you should of heard him." Harry grinned at Ron. "It was so cute, listening to him squeak. It reminded me of that one time I used hot chocolate syrup and poured it on yo-"

"Harry!" Ron interrupted, eyes wide.

"This is very exciting, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Yeah, he was excited at the time, too." Harry winked.

"Your going to be the death of me." Ron informed Harry.

"Nah, if the heated argument you were having with that weasel was any indication I think it's safe to say a rodent will be the death of you." Harry replied.

"That's not funny, Harry." Hermione said. "Weasel are known to be very dangerous. They are violent when they kill their prey."

"Hermione, Ron's a human." Harry told her. "I think he can manage to escape a weasel if he needs to. Still, it would probably not be a good idea to get into another fight with one. With the way you stomped off, I'd say you lost."

"I did not!" Ron denied. "Look, I'm not having this conversation. So, I can talk to weasels. Big deal!"

"But it is a big deal, Ron!" Hermione exclaimed. "Being able to speak to a weasel is very rare, even more so than speaking with snakes. In fact, I don't recall ever hearing about it."

"Ugh, I don't care!" Ron let his head drop to the table. "Let's just talk about this when we get back to Hogwarts, please?"

"Well... I suppose." Hermione said reluctantly.

"Psst. Ron?" Harry whispered, leaving over to talk into his ear. "You think we can try that weasel-talk tonight? That was kind of exciting." Ron let out a groan of despair, causing Harry to frown in confusion. "What did I say?"