Something Radiates – Chapter 7

Truths

The night had been an especially difficult one for Remus. He had spent most of the hours pacing the length of his bedroom, confused by conflicting feelings. He had kissed Nymphadora Tonks just a few hours before. Not only that, but he had wanted to kiss her. And then she'd left before they could even discuss what happened. He didn't know what he'd wanted to happen, though. While he hadn't envisioned her running away from him without another word, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that if she hadn't left, he probably would have. He wasn't looking for a relationship, and he would never use Tonks in any way. But he was confused because, initially, her actions had hurt him. If he had really wanted nothing to happen, why did he felt so terrible about the whole ordeal?

And so, he spent the entire night contemplating these viewpoints – creating and disproving theories in his mind – before finally falling asleep at daybreak. When he woke, he felt unrested and disoriented. He sat up in the large bed, taking a deep breath of musky air, before glancing out the window. The sun was sparkling brightly off the top of one of the neighboring houses, and Remus quickly swung his feet over the edge of the bed. He glanced at his watch, which lay on the bedside table, before hastily attaching the cracked leather band around his wrist. Without hesitation, Remus performed a cleaning spell on himself, vowing to take a real bath later, and pulled his shabby robes over his muggle jumper and pants. It seemed impossible, but he had slept until late morning. This was quite a difference for the man who normally woke with the rising of the sun, and he felt oddly threatened by the amount of time he had slept away.

He quickly headed down the stairs, holding onto the railing for support, and turned the corner to arrive in the kitchen. He was greeted by Molly, who was smiling widely at him as she performed a heating spell on some leftover breakfast before handing it to him without a word. Once he began to eat, however, Molly sat down beside him. He turned to her and raised his eyebrows as she watched him curiously.

"I was surprised that you didn't show up for breakfast. You had a lie in, then?"

"Yes, I was quite tired. Had some trouble falling asleep last night."

She nodded solemnly. "I think that's been going around a lot here lately."

"Unfortunately."

Molly returned to cleaning, while Remus ate the remains of his breakfast, despite the fact that he was not the least bit hungry. As Molly began to hum an unrecognizable tune under her breath, he wondered why he had even bothered waking up. The more he thought of it, the less justification he found. After all, he couldn't even leave the house! In fact, by the time he had finished eating, he was just about to return to bed, when he heard a crack of someone Apparating to the kitchen.

"Molly, I –"

Tonks faltered momentarily when she saw Remus sitting at the kitchen table, watching her intently. She stared back at him for a few moments, chest rising and falling erratically with each passing moment.

"Yes, dear?" Molly prodded, looking from Tonks to Remus and back again with unbridled interest.

"Oh…" She blushed. "Sorry, I just – got distracted. Right, I just wanted to let you know that Mad-Eye and Dumbledore are both going to be staying for dinner tonight."

"Really?" Molly exclaimed, "That's wonderful!" She paused. "Do you know what? I think I'll invite all the Order members over… have a nice, large dinner. What do you two say?"

"Sounds wonderful, Molly," Remus replied with as much enthusiasm as he could possibly muster in the current situation.

"Agreed."

An awkward silence filled the room, as Molly returned to studying them both intently. Remus was just about to clear his throat and announce his parting, when Tonks hastily said goodbye and Disapperated from the room. A few quiet moments passed, before Molly turned to him with raised eyebrows.

"Now what was that all about?"

"Nothing," he muttered, "Just a bit of a misunderstanding."

"Right," she replied, but thankfully withheld from asking any more details.

-

The hours passed slowly in the former Black residence. Most of the time, the house was completely silent, aside from Remus in the study, the kids doing summer homework upstairs in the boys' bedroom, and Molly cooking in the kitchen. Order members dropped by all day to keep him and Molly updated, but none stayed for more than ten minutes at a time. Remus scratched out a line of notes he had written on a piece of parchment, before throwing down the quill. He wasn't able to concentrate very well today. He was exhausted and, although he had began to work in order to take his mind off of what was bothering him, he could not stop thinking about the previous night.

Admitting defeat, Remus rose carefully from the hard-backed chair at the old desk, and wandered into the kitchen, drawn by the fragrance of cooking. As expected, Molly was looking a tad frantic, preparing a feast built for a large army. It seemed a bit odd to him that she would get so worked up over a dinner that she'd insisted on having, but he supposed it always worked out well for her in the end, when the guests groaned and complained of overly full stomachs. However, at the moment, she looked about ready to hex the next thing to disturb her from her cooking. Somewhat bravely, Remus kept his ground and waited for her to notice his presence in the room. After a minute, she looked up from the knives she had charmed to dice the onions.

"Can I help you, Remus?"

"No, thank you. Actually, I've come to ask if you needed some help…"

She wiped her hands on her apron. "Oh… well, yes, that'd be nice… yes."

"Great, what can I do?"

"Well, you can begin by cutting up the rest of these vegetables." She motioned to the plates of carrots, celery, and potatoes on the counter in front of her. "I do hope you're better at that than Sirius was!" Remus did not reply and, upon realizing what she had said, she covered her mouth abruptly. "Oh Remus, I'm sorry –"

"No, don't be sorry. I agree." He forced a smile upon his face. "Sirius was absolute rubbish in the kitchen." Molly smiled uncomfortably and nodded, as she nervously studied him. "Well then, let's get to work, shall we?"

"Of course, Remus," she replied, tearing her eyes from him.

Remus searched in the crowded cutlery drawer for three knives, and assigned each a vegetable to chop. He watched as the knives rose and fell for a while. The only sound in the kitchen was the clunking of steel against the table, as the two of them chopped the vegetables in silence. As the minutes progressed, Molly began to assign more jobs to Remus, convinced of his competence in the kitchen. As he stirred the contents of the stew, his mind had become blissfully blank. That is, until Molly cleared her throat.

"I was just wondering… is everything all right between you and Tonks?"

Unconsciously, Remus ceased to stir for a few moments. Upon realizing this, he cursed inwardly and began stirring again. "Yes, everything's fine."

"Well, if you're fighting, I thought maybe you'd like to talk about it."

"We're not fighting."

"Before you said there was a misunderstanding…"

"Yes."

"Well, what about? Maybe I can help."

He smiled slightly. "That's quite all right, Molly. I don't believe you can help." She began to speak, but he continued. "It will all work out in the morning."

"Well, I do hope things smooth over. It'd be a pity to have you two angry with one another."

"Why's that?" replied Remus, a bit defensively.

"It's just that you two seem close, that's all."

"Yes," he replied wearily, rubbing his eyes, "I guess you could say that. I believe the stew is ready, Molly."

"Oh," she replied, startled by his abrupt change of topic.

"I'll put on a heating spell."

"Great." She hesitated, about to say something else, but stopped. "Thank you, dear."

He nodded. "I'll be up in my room, if you need me."

Before she could say anything else, Remus was gone.

-

The next thing Remus knew, a pounding on his bedroom door roused him from sleep. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. Removing the book he had placed facedown on his stomach before falling asleep, he rose from the bed and studied himself in the mirror. He looked as well as he could possibly, three days from the full moon – a bit tired, but that was certainly nothing new for him. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and was shocked to see Mad-Eye standing outside.

"Dinner's ready, everyone's downstairs," said Moody, before turning away.

Remus nodded, although he immediately felt foolish for nodding when the man had turned away. He licked his dry lips and crossed the threshold, pulling the door closed behind him as it squeaked on its hinges. Remus began to follow Moody through the corridor, but stopped hastily as the aging man turned to face him.

"Lupin..."

"Yes?"

Mad-Eye paused, observing him. "Don't do anything stupid."

"Of course not…"

Moody studied Remus for a few more moments before shaking his head and continuing down the hall. Remus stared after the man for a minute, brow furrowed, wondering what could have possibly encouraged him to make that comment, before beginning down the stairs. As he turned the corner to the kitchen, he could hear the voices of the people within and suddenly was overwhelmed by a desire to leave. Ignoring this, he stepped inside the overly crowded room and looked around. His eyes immediately found Tonks', and his heart began to race. He had no idea how he should approach her – if he were to approach her – and didn't know how he would react if she approached him first. He was about to turn around and leave, when Arthur's voice rang through the room.

"Hello, Remus!"

Remus inwardly cringed, knowing that he certainly could not leave, now that he was spotted. He steadied himself by taking a deep breath, before approaching Arthur, Kinglsey, and none other than Tonks, who had been sitting beside them. Remus nodded to all three of them, although he was frustrated to see that his gaze unconsciously remained on Tonks the longest. He couldn't help but notice how she seemed anxious not to meet his eye.

"We were just discussing the candidates for the new Minister of Magic," explained Arthur.

"It's been formally announced?"

"Well, no, but Tonks and Kingsley have a good idea…"

"Really?" he asked, looking up at Kingsley.

"Yes, well there are quite a few people hoping for the job," he replied in his deep voice, "But we think that Amos Diggory has the best chance, right now."

"Really?" he asked, mildly surprised. Remus hadn't expected Amos to step up, but considering what happened to his son, it didn't seem all that obscure. "Aren't people afraid that his, err, personal history with Voldemort and his followers might make him a tad risky?"

"Maybe it'll make him even better for the job. He has a reason to take them down," said Tonks defensively. "Showing emotion doesn't always cloud ones judgment, you know."

"Of course not," said Remus, "But you must admit, once in a while, it might make people do things that they regret after it's over."

She glared at Remus for a few moments, biting her lip. He supposed she was trying not to admit whatever it was she wanted to say to him. "Perhaps," she finally conceded, although she was still glaring at him. "I'm going to use the loo, excuse me."

Remus watched her retreating form, faintly aware of Kingsley saying, 'women,' as he and Arthur both chuckled, before resuming their conversation. However, he no longer felt any desire to include himself, and he slowly sifted into the crowd. He poured himself a glass of firewhisky and began to think about Tonks' strange words. Why was she mad at him? She was the one who left him standing there…

Remus was drawn from his thoughts when hhe felt something pull at his robes. He turned around, and raised his eyebrows at Ron, who looked terrified at the fact that he had, in fact, just pulled a former professor's robes.

Hermione, who had been standing beside Ron said, "Err, professor?"

"Yes? What can I do for you two?"

"Well, we were just wondering if you'd seen Harry lately."

He thought for a moment. "No, sorry, I haven't. Not since… last night."

"Okay, well, thank you, sir," Hermione said, pulling Ron away.

"Yeah, thanks! And, erm, sorry!"

Remus smiled and shook his head at the pair of them as they left him, before raising the glass of firewhisky to his lips. Ron and Hermione had reminded him that he had, in fact, not seen Harry since last night. He had promised Harry he would update him about the meeting, but had been so wrapped up with in his problems with Tonks that he had completely forgotten. Feeling slightly guilty, Remus slipped out of the party and headed straight up the stairs.

He was relieved to find that Harry was sitting on the floor in Buckbeak's room, just as he had suspected. Remus closed the door gently and stood above Harry, who continued to stare ahead instead of stand or even meet Remus' eyes.

"Harry…" he began warily, "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, fine."

Remus squatted so that he was at the same level as Harry. "You don't seem fine. Are you angry with me?"

"No," he replied quickly. Remus raised his eyebrows. "All right, yeah. Yeah, I am!"

"Because I didn't tell you what happened at the meeting?"

"Yeah. You said you were going to!" Harry growled.

"I suppose I did. I'm really sorry, Harry. I had a lot on my mind. Unfortunately, I forgot."

"Right."

"Really, Harry, I am sorry."

"I know."

Remus paused. "Would you like to know what happened?"

"I already know – they killed Hestia Jones. Word gets around."

"Yes, the beauty of living in a place like this…"

Harry rose from his place on the ground and headed out the door. "Harry, wait…"

The boy stopped, right before he turned the doorknob, and faced Remus again. "What?"

"We have to talk." Harry rolled his eyes. "It's important."

"All right," he replied tightly.

"I was trying to tell you this yesterday, but unfortunately, I was interrupted."

"Right."

He motioned for Harry to sit down on the dingy chair in the corner and, after Harry did so, Remus sat on the bed and faced Harry. The old bed squeaked under the weight of his body. Remus took a deep breath. "Well, Harry, might as well just say it… I killed Bellatrix Lestrange."

Harry looked up sharply, an intense curiosity laced with the emotion filling his eyes. "What?"

"I went out and got revenge, a little over a month ago. I killed her," he explained evenly, "For Sirius."

Harry gaped at him. "She's dead?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Truly."

Harry paused, looking down at his shoes. "I tried to kill her, you know."

"I know you did."

"I should've been the one to do it."

He sighed audibly. "It isn't something to desire, Harry."

"I'm going to be a murderer anyway… either that, or be murdered myself… might as well kill more than one person who deserves it!"

Remus shook his head. "We all have our roles in this fight, Harry, and killing Bellatrix wasn't yours."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

He sighed, seemingly accepting Remus' explanation. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I tried, but, well – there wasn't much time I found that I could be alone with you."

"So, you should've told me you had something important to say!"

"You were spending time with your friends, Harry… I didn't want to spoil that."

"Right. You just didn't want to spoil my innocence."

Remus was surprised by spiteful tone in which he said the last three words. The two of them locked eyes. Harry's eyes were filled with unfamiliar green blaze.

"Perhaps you're right, Harry. It's just – I guess I feel I owe it to James and Lily to keep you safe…" Harry's face softened at the mention of his parents. "It's hard for me, as well as the other Order members who love you dearly, to understand that ignorance is not going to keep you safe. I apologize for falling into the trap, Harry. It wasn't the least bit fair of me. From now on, I'll try my hardest to – to let you know the entire truth."

Harry nodded silently, staring determinedly at the worn, wooden floor. After an intense moment of silence, he repeated, "She's really dead?"

"She's really is, Harry." He sighed, remembering his promise to be completely honest with Harry. "And I was ready to sacrifice myself to ensure it."

Harry raised his brilliant green eyes to Remus', and he was mesmerized by the raw intensity that they held. "I was, too."

A/N: So, apparently, when I say I'll update the next week, assume I'm not going to. I'm sorry. Things got crazy again. :( This chapter took me super long to write, and I ended up breaking it into two, so hopefully that means it'll be a little less time for the next chapter, but, well, we'll see. :/ I'm also working on a new series (that I won't post for a while) so that takes up more of my time. :$ Thanks for the reviews and your patience!