Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. Have a jolly day everyone, and may the jolliness be with you!
Let me warn you. This story is complete and utter nonsense. It also contains a large amount of Cleon bashing, because he is an oaf and I dislike him very much. People who like Cleon and/or are repulsed by nonsense probably will be offended. That is all.
Chapter One
Once upon a time in a land called Tortall, there was a rather oafish person named Cleon of Kennan. Cleon was a knight and he enjoyed shiny objects, hopscotch, roasted possum, jump-rope, collecting rocks, purple dresses, and various other things.
One day, Cleon was walking through the palace and decided to visit a fellow knight whom he loved very much. He went up staircases and through hallways until he arrived at this particular knight's room. He knocked on the door and waited for a response.
"Who is it?" said the voice of Keladry of Mindelan.
"It's Cleon!"
"Cleon?" Kel happened to have no feelings for Cleon whatsoever, and did not wish to answer the door. "Um... I can't come out right now! Uh, I-I'm sick! Yes, horribly sick!"
Cleon was alarmed. "Pearl of my heart, why ever are you sick?"
"Just go away, Cleon! The farther you are from me, the faster I'll get better!"
"Oh! Alright, then I'd better get out of here as quickly as possible!" And so Cleon ran away from Kel's room, out of the hall, and up and down several flights of stairs. "I wish I had a ham sandwich right about now!"
"Cleon, you are a ham sandwich!" said Wyldon with a laugh.
"What in the name of Kel's manly body are you talking about?"
Wyldon shrugged and scratched his incredibly bald head. "I really don't know. But I've decided that I don't like you, as you offend my wonderful baldness!" He stroked his head affectionately. "I love you, Baldy!"
Cleon looked disturbed. "Were you just talking to your head?"
"Yes, actually I was! I have named my head Baldy, and I love him very much!"
"NO! I despise baldness above all things! Even more than politics and already chewed gum!" shouted a voice. Kel stood in the doorway, holding out her sword menacingly. "I shall smite down your baldness!"
Wyldon yanked the sword out of Kel's rather manly hands. "No threatening people under the palace roof!" One of his blood vessels then burst and he ran off to anger management class.
Kel then threw a tantrum. "I WANT MY SWORD AND I WANT IT NOW!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, kicking and punching one of the palace walls.
Alanna then happily walked by and said calmly, "Dear Kel, it would be quite nice if you stopped yelling." She smiled and walked calmly away.
Owen was standing there dumbstruck. "Kel lost her temper! And Alanna didn't! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! What is the world coming to!"
Cleon then gave Owen an oafish shove in the back and said, "I thought this was about me!"
Kel stopped throwing a tantrum and then yelled, "CLEON ABUSE TIME!"
"Uh-oh," said Cleon, not liking the sound of that.
Jon then came running by in bright purple underwear and said, "Wow, it's usually me who gets abused!" A large metal block then fell from the sky and landed on top of him.
"I love you, giant metal block!" cried Thayet, throwing her arms around it. She then kicked Cleon in the shins and skipped away.
"Ouchies!" said Cleon. "It looks like the queen woke up on the wrong side of the bathtub this morning!"
"Hey Cleon, have you read the book All Dumb Oafs Say No?" asked Neal, grinning evilly.
"No," Cleon innocently replied. Neal then ran off to have a massive laughing fit. Cleon blinked like a rather stupid goldfish gifted with magical blinking abilities. "What's so funny?"
"Oh nothing, Cleon," said Kel. "It is far too complicated for one such as yourself to understand."
"Hello, my mirage of delight!" said Cleon cheerfully.
Kel picked up a pointy stick and beat him with it. "Stop hitting on me, you fool!"
"But you're my dewdrop! My rose! My Oscar Meyer wiener!" Cleon then began listing all of his other incredibly stupid nicknames.
"Those have got to be the absolute worst nicknames I've ever heard," said Kel. "I'm now going to go vomit in King Jonathan's bed." And she ran off.
"Why is everyone acting so strangely around me today?" Cleon wondered.
"Because today is National Cleon Abuse Day!" cried Owen. "Isn't that jolly?"
"No, not really," said Cleon.
"You dumb oafish jerk! You have offended everything that jolly stands for!" yelled Owen, kicking Cleon in his rather large behind. He then cackled like a jolly little weirdo and ran away in a fit of jolliness.
"National Cleon Abuse Day?" said Cleon. "What the heck is a Cleon…? Why are we all abusing it…?"
"Because it is fun and delicious!" said Buri. She picked up a paper airplane and threw it at Cleon.
"Eek!" Cleon ran as fast as his oafish body would allow him. "Hey, I see a chicken leg!"
Daine hit Cleon over his ridiculously orange head. "Not so fast! Are you thinking of abusing any domestic fowl!" she demanded.
"Huh?" said Cleon.
Daine then turned herself into a pink pony and galloped away to eat asparagus flavored candy canes. Cleon was very confused. He also felt that asparagus and butter should get married, because they tasted so magical together.
Kel then walked by, twirling her big pointy glaive around dangerously. "Good day, lovely lady knight!" said Cleon.
Kel growled and hurled her glaive at Cleon.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" screamed Cleon, managing to dodge the glaive (an amazing feat for someone as oafish as him). Kel laughed like a maniac and started to dance around like a person dancing.
"Hey, I like dancing!" said Cleon excitedly. "Come my dove, dance with me!" He then started dancing in an extremely clumsy and oafish way.
"You call that dancing!" said Kel, disgusted.
"CLEON, STOP DANCING!" screamed Gary anxiously.
"Why?"
"You might cause an earthquake!"
"I don't get it," said Cleon. "And earthquakes are scary! The last time I experienced an earthquake, a crack opened up in the ground and my donut fell in it!" He started to cry. "I miss that donut!"
"Donuts are for the weak," said Kel. "I am Yamani stone, and I will never submit to the donuts!"
"Donuts have reminded me of the fact that it is now lunchtime!" said Cleon. He started to skip around happily.
"Only girls skip, you fool!" said Joren, who had been caught skipping just the week before. Neal had blackmail evidence of it.
Cleon immediately stopped skipping. "Well, I'm going to go have lunch now," he said, walking oafishly over to the great hall.
Well, there's the first chapter. Stay tuned for more oaf bashing!