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Balance

Chapter Thirty-Six: This Dream World

'You are…all right?'

I think…

He took a deep breath and began walking down the street, cold glass sliding beneath his feet. This world had no cracks, nor blemishes, nor dust nor pain nor betrayal. All was laid out for anyone to see, and all could be seen through. In the same ways that it was terribly disturbing, it was a strangely comforting feeling.

He smiled.

I think I will be. One day.

'Is it time for this dream world to come to an end?'

This world full of cold and glass?

'Yes…'

He laughed quietly.

Oh, this is not a dream, my friend…

The man in the mirror looked at him curiously. Of course this was a dream—where else but in a dream could one relive the past so easily, and with such altercations as a missing friend? Where else but in a dream could one confront his fears face to face, as though the emotion was a living being? Where else but in a dream could one admit to his weaknesses so readily, where no one was around to hear and to judge? This had to be a dream, or what was the world outside of it supposed to be?

'Of course this is a dream…'

Do you see? he said triumphantly. Do you see how you doubt yourself because I tell you that you are wrong? That is the world we live in today. This universe of doubt and fools where we are all right because we are all so very, very wrong.

The man in the mirror smiled forlornly. Funny that Fear could have emotions of its very own…could rule over those emotions so as to manipulate them when it chose…

'I see,' the man said. 'You are right, and I see it now.'

I am, aren't I?

'Yes…'

Funny…

'What is?'

In a strange universe that is parallel to itself where all things are impermanent and we are all wrong in saying anything will last forever…

A soft pause set over them and the glass world seemed to glitter under the ever-rising sun.

Every once in a great while…

Fear looked to his human counterpart with wondering eyes and the silence was sweet.

There is…something right with the world.

'Yes. I believe there is.'

He looked to his companion with a warm smile.

'Is it time to wake up from this dream?'

Yes. I believe it is.

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It's been two years now, since the last day of that mission.

Things haven't been quite the same between us four.

Yuusuke was officially re-retired, and he and Keiko are still living happily together. I think they're considering children, but neither of them wants to raise another little Yuusuke.

Kuwabara is still trying to court Yukina, and she seems to understand more than she's letting on. If that relationship turns into anything, I think it'll be because of her.

Kurama was declared formally insane by the committee in charge of Reikai Tantei and retired from all official positions in Reikai, but he and Koenma still speak from time to time. I don't know why anyone would want to spend extra time with Koenma, but I'm not one to understand these things. I think as time goes on, he's getting better.

We didn't drift apart, exactly, and we certainly didn't decide to sever all ties. We just stopped being…the way we used to be.

It would certainly be a lie to say we were close in the few years proceeding the mission in question. I had been away for several years and I am almost certain that the others were only in contact for school-related reasons. I would not be surprised to hear that our pasts together, our pasts when we were as good as children, never came up even once.

I would not be surprised to hear that I never came up even once.

I visit more often now, not because I feel I am missed when I am gone, but because the mission gave me a new sort of nostalgia for that disgusting world, as contradictory as that may sound. Of course, visiting at all is more often than I once had, despite my promises. I still think it is too late to change anything, though. No matter how good my intentions have become.

I do not particularly like to visit. I do not particularly like what I find when I visit.

Should I say, I do not particularly like the condition in which I find a certain fox when I visit.

So why do I even bother?

I don't really know…but every time is a chance for me to find out.

One thing, at least, is the same as it was. I knock lightly on Kurama's window to announce my presence and he turns to me, smiling his usual Kurama smile. Standing, he walks over and unlocks the latch that I could easily pick or break if I felt like it. Sliding open the window, he gestures for me to jump inside the room.

Tired of this usual façade, I sit on the windowsill—it is a warm night, and the breeze does not bother—and stare him right in the eyes. He looks a bit startled, but it passes. I am not being too outlandish or strange.

"Why do you even bother?"

He looks even more surprised at that question, tilting his head and raising his hands. What he is to do with them, I don't know, but comfort me? He could not.

"Bother…?" he trails off. I look away and my mouth draws thin, bitterly. He wouldn't understand, would he?

"Bother with this act," I elaborate. "Bother pretending to be something you're not. Bother going on and on with a life you don't really care about because now, after the mission—which was two entire years ago, Kurama, and you still dwell on it—after that, all you can think about is getting back to Makai and getting your revenge. Yet you still put this face on every morning and say you're Minamino Shuuichi, and everyone believes you!"

I look at him sadly with a faint hint of a smile at my lips. He looks at me, bewildered still, as though taking all this in is a new concept for him and he can't quite manage it all at once. It is not, I know. It cannot be. Kurama dwells on this more than I, I am sure, and he is a wonderful actor. He practices constantly. I am not convinced of his surprise.

"I…I just don't understand…"

Letting the act drain from his face, Kurama allows a warm smile to take its place and before I can react, he envelops me in a hug. I am startled, to say the least, but I do not shake him off.

Come to think of it, I never did tell him I was honestly in love with him. I wonder what that would do to him now, if I were to come out and say it. I wonder if he really does love me, or if he said it to gain some security, some solid in a torrential world of uncertainties. And even if he did love me, once, does he still? Could I stand the rejection if he does not? Could I stand the implications if he does?

"Hiei," he says quietly, whispering in my ear. I glance at him and though he cannot see my eyes move, I think he knows.

"Hiei…dear, sweet Hiei…"

I wait for him to continue, but he only nuzzles his face into my neck and stands still before me. I stroke his hair gently, to remind him that I am still here, and he starts a little.

"My first love…dear Hiei…"

I am not quite sure what that means, so I decide not to comment. He loved me once, it seems, but I keep thinking—does he still? Do I still? Will this be a happy ending for me? For him? For anyone at all?

And do I want it to be a happy ending? Life is not full of them, so I have learned time and time again, and this should be no different. How would I fare, I wonder, in the face of a happy ending? Would I accept it for what it was and revel in the fact that for once, my life was going right? Would I fall apart? Would I even care?

Oh, I don't know…

Do I even want a happy ending for him?

After all he has put me through, all he has put all of us through, all he continues to put us through, does he deserve a happy ending? Does he deserve to be content for once? Does he deserve to finally be at peace?

In the question lies the answer, I suppose.

"Kurama," I say quietly. He toys with the hair at the base of my neck and smiles against my skin. I feel his lips curve.

"Kurama," I repeat, as though he didn't hear me. He raises his head, just enough to look at me, and smiles, though his eyes are sad. That cannot be good, I decide. Maybe a happy ending is not in my future, and I won't eve have to worry. Wouldn't that be a trick?

"Yes, Hiei?"

This sounds as though it is a romantic tragedy. The formality of my blunt language, the overly loving care in his bracing voice, all builds up to an unpleasant finale.

"Kurama, I love you."

His smile shifts, as though he knew this all along. He might have…but did he ever know I was lying? Two years ago, when I told him of my fake emotions, did he suspect? Probably not, now that I think of it. So he is only acting again, faking control over the situation in that way he is so good at.

"Didn't you always?" he asks, as a child who thought his pets had always been alive, rather than replaced in secret.

"No," I admit easily. More easily than I expected. "No, I didn't. I did what I thought was best for you at the time, but…no. I didn't always. Not really."

He looks somehow hurt, as though he could always count on my loving him and now…it has all been taken away. Am I breaking something I worked so hard to build? Well, it has to be done, I suppose.

"I loved you," he says softly, shyly, abashedly. I feel…bad. Bad for hurting him. Bad for bringing on this terrible emotion in his tone.

"Really?" I ask hopefully.

"I…think so…"

I look away. We are like two human teenagers, admitting crushes we will not fully fess up to having.

"Do you still?"

"I don't know…"

I look at him with my familiar stoic expression, this time tainted by a knowing and harsh smile. I have experienced enough loss and enough failure in my life to know when "I don't know" means "No."

"I guess it was too much to ask for," I admit in a harsh voice, pulling my foot from the floor back to the windowsill and preparing to spring.

"Hiei, wait!" he cries desperately, grabbing onto my cloak. I turn, slightly annoyed and letting it show. I might as well be snapping out a tired "What?"

"I…will you—I mean, will you…come back? To see me again?" He fumbles with his words for a moment and I wait impatiently. In secret, I would never abandon him—he is too important for that, and I suppose I will never stop loving him. Not completely.

"Will you come back to see me in case I really do love you?"

What a funny thing to say.

I shrug casually.

"I don't know…" I mimic. He looks hurt, and I almost feel guilty.

I twist myself around and lean over to give him a chaste kiss. Then, in a movement so invisible, I am back to leaping out the window. He looks at me with confusion and sorrow and…regret? I think so.

Huh. How very odd.

"I'll be seeing you around."

He smiles at me and nods. That façade again…I thought I was too good for that. Maybe no one is too good for the great Kurama. Well, I certainly don't care. At least, I shouldn't. I tell myself I don't.

"See you."

Then I am gone, and the window closed and locked. I stand beside his house only for the time it takes me to gain my footing, and I am off running as fast as I can.

To where? I couldn't say.

As long as I keep my footing, and don't fall to the ground or into a river or off a cliff…

I think I'll be all right.

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Reikai: Spirit World

Tantei: detective

Makai: Demon Realm

Tiny semi-unnecessary note: "As long as I keep my footing, and don't fall to the ground or into a river or off a cliff…" a.k.a. "As long as I keep my balance…"

Super mega note: why didn't I have Kurama and the others successfully kill (or capture) Miru? Or, in another sense, why didn't anybody die?

Because this story isn't about Miru. It's about Kurama and how he relates to other people. Miru is just a catalyst. If the entire thing was about her, I would have killed her off and made it all dramatic and half gratifying, half depressing, all confusing. But it's about Kurama. And, to a lesser extent, Hiei.

On that note, the ending might not satisfy, but I'm not changing it because evil doesn't always die. Good doesn't always win, and even when it doesn't, that's no excuse to give evil a free pass to victory. Sometimes things just hang in the air without finalization, and that was what I wanted this to be.

Kurama is still haunted by his past because no matter how much he does to forget it, the things he did, the people he knew, the battles he fought, isn't all going to go away. So yes, Miru is still out there, and yes, she is still fantasizing about killing him, and yes, she'll try harder now that she knows he's alive. And will Kurama ever find her, and kill her, and put a stop to his past for good? I don't know. Maybe.

But that's his problem.