My very first Shaman King fic, so try not to judge me too harshly Hope you enjoy! Oh, and obviously I don't own Shaman King or any rights to it.
Three years, has it really been three years since it happened? It's hard to believe, but then time seemed to lose all meaning and purpose after what happened. Of course, I pretended that everything was normal, but it wasn't. I felt as though my entire world had crumbled around me; all the light I had was gone, all because he had gone, because I had taken his life. Even now it seems like only yesterday, I still remember everything clearly, every detail embedded permanently in my mind. I know it was the only way, the only thing I could have done, you left me no choice, but... Tears are falling again; they always do when I'm alone, when I think about it. It's the only time I can try to deal with what happened and I have very little time alone, they just can't leave me alone. I always wanted friends, to have people around me who cared for me, but now they're driving me crazy, I feel suffocated by them. He's driving me crazy too though, I can't stop thinking about him; I don't even understand half of it, which just makes things worse. I don't know what I'm feeling; I just know that missing him is tearing me apart. There won't be anything recognisable as me soon, if there still is, I'm so caught up in this façade that I don't know what is real anymore.
"Yoh-kun?" Faust enquires softly.
Thankfully my senses are good enough to give me plenty of warning if anyone's coming, I can't afford to let them see me crying, they won't understand. How could anyone understand if I can't?
"Hai?" I ask cheerfully, even if I don't feel it.
"Are you coming in for lunch? Anna-san is on a warpath again though."
"Iie arigato, I don't want to miss this."
"Miss what Yoh-kun?"
I turn to look at him, smiling softly. "There's going to be an eclipse, I'm not exactly sure when though."
"How do you know that?"
I shake my head, turning away. "Someone told me, I forget who. Guess I wasn't really listening all that well again, ne?"
It isn't true; I know it's coming because I can feel it. My shaman abilities have improved a lot in the past few years, but I haven't shown that. I don't want them to know that I'm learning his power; I don't want to make them worry. I should probably be more worried about how often I'm lying and how easy it is; lying doesn't help anything, it's just the easy way out. I hear Faust leave but ignore it, keeping my attention on the sky, as well as my internal monologue. It's strange feeling all these changes in nature, though I have to admit it's been very useful in avoiding the less pleasant weather conditions, of course, I could just stop them from bothering me, but I don't think it would be a very good idea to do that kind of thing in public view. The feeling is stronger now, so the eclipse must be coming soon, I wonder if it will be visible or not, most of them aren't; still, sitting here waiting has given me some space, so it doesn't matter whether I can see it or not.
Oh, wow, that is beautiful, it's certainly not a normal eclipse by any means, the sky is almost purple. The mixture of tones is beautiful, though somewhat unnerving, because it certainly isn't natural. The feeling it gives me is strange, it isn't something I understand, I don't know whether I'm nervous or exited, it's a confusing sensation.
"What is that?" The voice is faint, travelling up from the house; I think it was Ryu. More murmuring followed from Manta, probably trying to explain the strange phenomenon. I should probably head back to them now, I have been up here a long time and I know Anna will be getting annoyed, not that she worries me anymore, I just can't be bothered with the hassle. Wait, this feeling, what is it? It's almost, familiar, yet I don't have any idea what it is. One part of me feels almost glad by this feeling, while another is terrified, I don't understand what this is. Dwelling on it isn't helping; it'll just drive me mad, not literally, but, well, yeah... I really need to stop thinking so much...
"Yoh-kun! Did you see that?" Manta asked excitedly.
"Aa." I reply, trying to sound enthusiastic.
"Something wrong Yoh?" Horo-Horo questioned.
I guess I didn't sound particularly interested. I can't concentrate with this nagging feeling though. Opps, I haven't responded, better just shake my head.
"You can feel it too then?" Ren asks, though it's more rhetorical than an actual question.
"Aa. I can't figure it out though." I reply, though I don't even bother to look at him.
Everything is quite, I glance around and see a mixture of confusion and concern, presumably because I'm not being the bright, bubbly person they're used to. I can't say I really care right now though, I guess they'd have found out at some point anyway. I can't help but sigh though, this is going to bring trouble for me, but I don't think I can brush it aside like I normally do, if anyone starts pushing me, I'm pretty sure I'll push back. Either way, I can't tell them anything, even if I did, they wouldn't want to hear it, I know they won't understand. They all hate you so very much, niisan, yet for some reason, all I want is to be with you, isn't that strange? Maybe it's because I felt whole for the first time when you took my soul into you, maybe it's that feeling I miss? I still believe that you were a good person; I still believe that only good people can see spirits.
"Yoh?" The surprisingly soft voice is Anna's, worry lacing her words.
"I'm okay Anna, I've just got a lot to think about." I reply sincerely.
She nods, but I can see the doubt and worry, I would have expected more from her though, being empathic she should have known for a long time and it isn't like Anna to say nothing, things like that annoy her. I smile reassuringly, but I know she won't buy it, I'm not putting enough effort into it, my mind is still elsewhere. I think most of them see me as an airhead half the time, but I do encourage that belief, even if it isn't true, I prefer people to think less of me, that way they never expect too much. I expect the prospect of me thinking is quite unbelievable. They don't think I can meditate either, they think I just sleep, but that isn't true either, really, they don't know much about me at all.
"Say, Anna?" Since she's empathic, maybe... "Do you know what it is Ren and I felt during the eclipse?"
Great, a shake of the head, I half wonder if she felt anything at all. To be honest, I'm surprised Ren did, he isn't anywhere near my level anymore. I won't tell him that though, or show him if I can help it, I don't want to insult his pride, he'll only get angry. Speaking of the Tao, he's still staring at me intently. He has been since I answered Horo-Horo and it's rather annoying and unnerving. I'm beginning to wonder if I've grown another head with everyone looking at me the way they are.
"Yoh-dono..." Amidamaru started.
I look round, genuinely concerned, he sounds slightly upset. "What's wrong?"
"Are you really okay, Yoh-dono? You seem different today."
He sounds almost afraid to have said that; maybe he's afraid of upsetting me?
"I'm fine, really. As I said, I've just got too much to think about today. Don't worry." That sounded genuine, thankfully. It's enough to quell most of their worry, though both Anna and Ren still remain somewhat sceptical.
I stretch and place a lazy grin on my face, relaxing most of them further. "I'm bored of thinking so much, it's too much hard work."
Horo-Horo, Manta and Ryu laugh at my statement, Lyserg smiles, Ren snorts at it and Faust and Anna remain impassive, not that it's unusual for either of them. Amidamaru on the other hand, decides to glomp me, so I just laugh, knowing that's what they expect. I have to carry on acting, I let myself slip too far and it hurt them, I have to keep this up for them.
"Oh, I was supposed to get that, wasn't I?" I know Anna will understand, so I don't bother to elaborate.
"Yes, so do it." She snaps, as I had expected. I take my leave quickly, heading to the field nearby to pick up whatever strange item it was she was talking about earlier.
Ten minutes and I still can't find it, maybe I'll sit down for a while instead; it isn't as if I want to hurry back anyway. That feeling just came back, the familiar one; my first thought this time was that it was him, but... A pair of arms have just wrapped around my shoulders, I didn't even feel anyone around, unless...
"We need to talk Yoh." The voice was low, quiet and pained, but undoubtedly his, Hao isn't gone after all; I don't have to feel guilty.
"Okay Hao. I'm glad you're alive." I almost laugh at his surprise; I guess he thought I hated him.
"I just...I want to thank you, ototo. You made me realise a few things I needed to see. I also wanted to let you know that I'll stop killing them, so you don't have to hurt anymore."
"Thank you Hao, it means a lot."
"Aren't you angry that I'm here?"
"No, actually I've been quite lost without you, I don't know why, but I missed you."
"That is because you are mine." I can hear the smirk, even though it isn't harsh now.
I smile softly, even if he can't see it, he'll know, he always does. "Maybe."
"Yoh?" He hadn't expected that.
"You know, I felt like I belonged somewhere, like I was whole. It was the first time, the only time. If he hadn't called me, I would have stayed."
"You were angry then, but then, I was completely crazy, so I guess neither of us was really being ourselves."
"You haven't been yourself for a long time though, have you?" A little bold, hopefully he'll answer and won't get angry.
I hear him sigh tiredly before answering. "No, I lost myself a long time ago, their hatred, fear, anger and jealousy pushed me too far."
I want to turn to face him, but it isn't easy with his arms around me. He's crying, Hao is actually crying, I don't believe it. My hand seemed to move by itself to wipe the tears away, I certainly didn't realise I was doing it until it was too late. He's staring at me intently now, I don't know what I'm feeling, or even what I'm doing, my body seems to be working separately from my mind. Oh no, not good...what possessed me to do that? I can't have done that...why did I? I kissed him, my own brother, I don't know why; it's stupid and wrong, why did I do that?
"Is that how you feel Yoh?" He doesn't seem angry, but...
"I-I don't, I mean...sorry! I don't know why I...please don't be mad."
His smile is warm, soft, so unlike what I saw back then. "I'm not angry Yoh, if it's what you want, you shouldn't be afraid. You are mine Yoh."
This time he kissed me and I can't help but respond; this feeling is incredible. This is the feeling that confused me so much, the longing I couldn't understand, it's love. I shouldn't feel this way though should I? It's wrong, well, it's not legal by any means, so why? I don't think I care, I could drown in this sensation; it makes me feel whole again, I don't want to lose this feeling again. I'm laid back on the grass, but had Hao not pinned my arms down I wouldn't have realised; the rest of the world doesn't seem to be anywhere near us right now, the only thing that exists is us. I don't want this to end.
"Yoh! Kisama! Let go of him!" The voice is Ren's, I don't think he realises what is going on, or that it's Hao I'm with.
Much to my disappointment, Hao let's go and stands up, why'd Ren have to come? I haven't been gone that long have I? Maybe he just wanted to talk to me about the way I've been acting today. Still, I would've liked to have left a while longer...
"Why don't you stay out of other people's business Tao?" Hao asked, deadpan.
Ren looks about ready to fall over from shock, I guess he really didn't realise who it was. Hao hold's out his hand to help me up, much to Ren's astonishment; he really doesn't understand what was going on, even though it should have been more than obvious.
"Don't worry Ren, it isn't what you think." I don't know why I said that, I don't think Ren knows what to think, never mind though.
Oh-oh, Anna's here... "Hao." I don't think I've ever heard a word said so simply but with so much malice.
"Hm, the itako, I can't say I'm surprised. Still treating my brother like I slave?" Hao's voice is jovial, which annoys her no end.
"What I do with my fiancé is none of your business." She spits back. Funny, I used to be afraid, but now I just find it sort of sad.
"Hao-sama." This voice belongs to Kanna, it seems Hanagumi are still with him and have come to take him, but I don't want him to leave me...
"It seems it's time to leave, a pity I can't play." Hao sounds as crazy and sadistic as ever, but having pretended for so long, I can tell he's doing the same thing now.
I try not to look disappointed, or to do anything stupid, but I really don't want him to leave me, so it isn't easy. I still can't believe that I'm in love with him, but I know it's true; this feeling couldn't be anything else. Why did they have to come? Why couldn't we stay together a little longer? Hao, please don't leave me, I don't think I can keep pretending anymore, tasukete...
"You can only have one, ototo." His breath is warm on my ear, his voice low enough so only I can hear.
"I want you." I reply solemnly, my voice barely audible even to myself, but I know he got my answer.
"Are you sure Yoh?" He's serious this time, worried that I'll regret it.
"I can't keep living like this Hao, I'm tearing myself apart." I decided to skip the part about being madly in love with him and unable to live without him, but I think he already figured that out anyway. He nodded, but whether it was to my reply or my thoughts I can't be sure, that's the problem with empaths...
"Then I'll take you, but we have to leave now."
I nod, quickly turning to the amassing group. "I know this will seem strange, but I need to leave with Hao. I can't explain right now and I'm not going to argue about it. I have some things that need to be done, things I can't ignore anymore."
Before anyone has a chance to protest, I turn back to Hao, who ushers me towards Hanagumi and the awaiting Spirit of Fire. Before I know it, the field and my friends are gone, this is the start of something new, a life that I hope will make me happy, one that won't destroy who I am. I do feel kind of bad just leaving them, I know they'll worry, especially when I don't go back, but I have to stop living for everyone else and start living for me. I feel Hao wrap his arms around me again, feel his questioning gaze, he's still worried that I made the choice hastily.
"I need to do this for myself, and I won't regret it, you mean more to me than they ever could, we're the same, but different, we need each other, ne?"
He smiles at that, I can feel the change. "Yes, we need each other. I'm glad this happened Yoh, I'm glad that I can help you to shine again."
Shine? What does that mean? I don't have a chance to ask, as he turned me to face him, once again pulling me into a kiss, not that I mind of course. I definitely think this was the right choice for me, I belong with him and it makes me feel happy and whole.
"Hao-sama, sorry to interrupt. We are going to find the others, is that okay?" Kanna's voice again, I wonder why Mari and Macchi haven't said anything yet? Maybe they don't have anything nice to say but don't want to make Hao angry.
"That's fine, so long as they understand Yoh is mine and no one is harming him." Hao's reply is as much a warning for the girls as everyone else, or perhaps threat is more appropriate.
"Mari will make sure for Hao-sama. Is Yoh-sama part of us now?" Part of them? I honestly hadn't thought about that Mari, I don't know.
"You need to have an answer soon Yoh-sama, the tournament will be restarting soon." Macchi's words are surprisingly soft, maybe I was wrong.
"Aa. We'll have to wait for Hao to explain some more things to me." I make sure to keep my tone light, while showing that I'm serious about it, I don't want them to think that I'm playing Hao, or that I'm rushing in head-first without thinking about it. It's sufficient, the three nod before leaving Hao and I alone.
"This is a little rushed isn't it?" Hao whispers softly.
I can't help but smile. "A little, but it wasn't as though I had much of a choice. I don't want to lose you again, it hurts too much."
"I know. I think I should explain what I'm planning, Macchi is right, there isn't a lot of time."
I only nod, not really sure what I can say. He promised me he'd stop killing, so it should be okay what ever it is, right? Either way, all I can do is listen to his words and decide what to do after. I'm not giving up on us no matter what he says though; I really think we can finally be happy. This is a new start and I intend to make it a good one, I do believe in destiny, this is all too perfect now to be anything else, we both have the chance for our light to be restored.
Now it's up to you reviewers, I may leave this as a one-shot, or I may continue, it depends entirely on your reviews, let me know what you think! Ja!