DISCLAIMER: SeaQuest and its crew don't belong to me. I'm not sure who they belong to, but I'm not trying to steal them. I'm also not getting any money out of this. Just the hope that someone learns something new today and reaches out to a teen in need.
RATED: PG-15
WARNINGS: Graphic self-harm. Future drug, sex and delinquency issues. May be too intense for some readers. Read it anyway-it's true to life for many teenagers.
SUMMARY: Lots of teen angst and trauma.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please read this! I work with teenagers who come from broken homes and abandonment-just like Lucas. The issues he is going to face are true to life and are very realistic-I am not embellishing on what he is going to go through before my little fic is through. So bear with me.
SEASON: One
ARCHIVE: If anyone is still archiving SeaQuest fics, go right ahead-just email me to let me know you've done it.
EMAIL: [email protected] I love feedback!
*Oh yes, my very first ever, SeaQuest fanfic. Check out my Stargate SG-1 fics at http://members.home.net/voria27/index.htm.
Little Boy Lost
Part One
By: Victoria May
"Battle stations!" Nathan's voice rang out across the bridge. A flurry of motion followed as stations were manned and readied for battle. Commander Ford floated from station to station, checking over shoulders and adjusting controls. Finally satisfied that everything was up to par, he drifted towards the middle of the bridge, coming to rest behind the captain's post.
"Sir, we're receiving a signal on a non-UEO frequency-attempting to de-scramble it now."
Nathan sat back and watched his communications officer attack his console with a flourish that made him proud. Trust the Admiral to send him only the best crew he had to offer. Nathan let his eyes float over his crew scattered across the large command room. Serious faces concentrating on the task at hand. The hours of training together had paid off, leaving the captain with a well oiled machine. As if suddenly realizing the seriousness of the situation, Nathan forced his concentration back to his communications officer.
"Lieutenant O'Neill, about that signal. . .."
Another voice cut in, "Sir, sensors indicate a vessel approaching off the stern."
"I need that signal now Lieutenant!"
"Got it!" Tim adjusted his controls and the view screen was alight with static. The controls were tweaked and the static slowly faded to reveal a man in a torn uniform. His mouth was moving, but the static created white noise, blocking out the words.
"Clean it up. What's he saying?" Nathan leaned forward, straining to catch bits and pieces of the message being conveyed. Suddenly the static cleared and a voice broke through.
" . . . in violation of the Mediterranean peace treaty of 2011. Under UEO mandate number 311, I am ordering you to stand down and prepare to be boarded."
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. We have are not in any violation of the treaty of which you speak. Identify yourself!"
"Captain Emery Fitzgerald of the United Mediterranean Nations. I repeat, you are in violation of the Mediterranean peace treaty of 2011. Stand down now or I will fire on you!"
"Captain Fitzgerald, it seems that you are the one in violation of the treaty. You have entered UEO waters and have targeted a UEO submarine. I suggest that you explain yourself quickly, before this situation gets out of hand."
The face on the view screen contorted slightly with confusion, then resumed its original bleak mask. "I suggest you check your sensors again 'Captain' before you endanger the lives of your crew. We, most definitely, are in Mediterranean territory. Now stand down!"
"Captain, the vessel is preparing to fire," came a voice to Nathan's right.
"Flood the torpedo bays-ready the interceptors!" Continuing to face the opposing Captain, he lowered his voice. "Captain, please. Check your sensors. You are in UEO waters above the Orion Gulch. Let's end this now."
The grim face ahead tilted slightly and a small smile played on his lips. "I agree Captain. It's time to end this."
"Torpedoes launched Sir!"
"Fire interceptors!"
"Direct hit Sir! They're firing again. Interceptors armed."
"Fire!"
"Sir, there's too many to continue to intercept-we have to return fire!" Commander Ford leaned over Nathan's shoulder as he pointed out the obvious.
"Ready torpedoes. Target the vessel's propulsion system. Fire!"
"Torpedoes failed to fire Sir!"
"What's the problem? Find it! Fix it, whatever it is!"
"Sir! Torpedo bays are shutting down. They won't accept commands."
Rubbing a hand across his furrowed brow, Nathan noticed the taught skin and blood vessels snaking their way under the surface of his skin. 'I'm definitely getting too old for this,' he thought, noting the wrinkles and age spots.
"Target their sensors with the interceptors. Let's at least try to disable that ship while we still can!"
"Direct hit Captain! The Mediterranean vessel is powering down."
The view screen went black for a second and then flickered on, showcasing a grinning Admiral Noyce. "Congratulations Nathan. Well done. You and your crew are to be commended. That was the fastest time yet for a UEO vessel to defeat the Mediterranean's in this scenario."
Nathan sat back and smiled, pleased with the outcome, especially in light of the difficulties the ship experienced during the test. "Thank you Bill."
"Reception's at 0800. Don't be late." The Admiral smiled and added, "Oh, and Nathan? Have someone get those torpedoes back on line before you really need them."
Commander Ford groaned as the screen went black. "Where's Lucas? I thought he ran through the weapons systems this morning. He gave me the thumbs up on this one. He knew how important this was!"
"Relax Commander, I'm sure there's an explanation for this. Lieutenant, get Lucas down here now, please."
"Yes Sir."
Ford began to pace and Tim glanced at Miguel, raising his eyebrows slightly. Miguel shrugged and began to go over the data from the simulation. Finally, Lucas walked onto the bridge, his hands shoved deeply into the pockets of chinos which were several sizes too big.
Spotting Lucas, Ford bounded over and stood, towering over him. "Lucas, I thought you said you ran a diagnostic sweep of the weapons bays this morning."
Lucas looked confused for a minute, then opened his eyes wide. "Oh, yeah. I started, but Dr. Westphalen asked me to help her with a project. I guess I forgot about it after that. I left the computer running the diagnostic though." Lucas walked over to a terminal and tapped on the keys. "It looks like several lines of code are damaged. Commands won't be carried through to. . .to the torpedo bays. Interceptor bays are fully functional."
Nathan rose out of his chair and crossed over to Lucas, laying his hand on the teen's shoulder. "Lucas, this was very important that the weapons systems were operational-are operational. Commander Ford gave you a task to complete and you walked away from it. Do you realize what this could have meant for us? For the SeaQuest? Have you forgotten what today is?"
"Of course I haven't forgotten Sir. You threw me off the bridge not even two hours ago." Lucas fell silent as Nathan continued to stare at him. "Oh. I'm guessing you needed the torpedoes. I'm sorry Captain, Commander. But I thought this was a peace-time scenario. The whole point was to settle the face off peacefully, at least that's how Dr. Westphalen explained it. I didn't think you would need the torpedoes for this. I'm sorry. But I did run the diagnostic. The results were right here-if anybody bothered to check it they would have easily seen there was a problem."
Commander Ford spoke again, "You should be sorry Lucas. Don't ever presume to know what the SeaQuest will need. Just do as your told. We're counting on you to follow through. If you can't, tell us now and we won't make the mistake of handing over something this important again. We'll stick to the easy stuff. Or I'm sure Dr. Westphalen wouldn't mind if you used the extra time helping out in the lab."
Raising a hand to silence the Commander, Nathan turned Lucas slightly so he was face to face with him. "Lucas, do you understand why this was so important?"
Lucas squared his shoulders as his face began to convey a growing anger. "Yes sir, I do. Does this mean we didn't beat the scenario?"
"No, it doesn't. Thanks to some impressive teamwork, we were able to beat the scenario-with the fastest time on record. But that doesn't diminish what you did. We'll be docked at UEO headquarters this evening for a reception and most of the crew will be attending. You, my boy, will be finishing what you started-from scratch. Then you will repair the damages. When I come back here, I expect to find all the weapons fully operational. Do you understand me?"
Lucas grimaced and twisted himself out of Nathan's grip. "Yes sir," he mumbled. Looking up briefly, Lucas noticed that the trio were being watched and blushed in embarrassment. It was bad enough that everyone knew he almost cost them the scenario, but to be dressed down in front of everyone on the bridge was mortifying.
Nathan noticed the flush creep up along Lucas' cheeks and turned quickly. The crew did their best to pretend they had not been watching the interchange, but Nathan knew better. He turned back to see Lucas looking at him with fury in his eyes.
"Can I go now sir? Or do you want to announce what a screw up I am on the intercom and let everyone know? I'm sure they'll know soon enough anyway."
Sighing, Nathan nodded and watched as Lucas turned and nearly ran from the bridge. Without turning, he addressed Ford, "You have the bridge Commander."
Moving slowly in the direction from which Lucas made his hasty exit, Nathan silently cursed himself for being so careless about admonishing the teen. It was inexcusable to berate the boy in front of the entire bridge crew. What was he thinking? Lucas may live on the SeaQuest, may work and serve on the SeaQuest, but he wasn't one of the crew. At least, not like the others on board. The adults. Lucas was a child-a child with a devilish delight in tormenting him with his quick tongue, but a child nonetheless.
Slowing as he reached Lucas' quarters, Nathan took a deep breath and prepared for the worst. He knocked on the hatch and pushed it open. Lucas was sitting in front of his computer, his hands resting on the keyboard, but the monitor was blank. He didn't turn as the captain entered, just spoke to the black screen.
"What?" His voice was icy.
"I'm sorry." Nathan looked at the boy in front of him and waited for a response. None came. Lucas continued to sit, unmoving. Unsure if Lucas heard him, he repeated, "I'm sorry Lucas, that was uncalled for."
This time Lucas did answer, his voice low, angry. "Yes, it was."
Growing angry at the teen's quiet defiance, Nathan's voice lost some of its warmth. "Lucas. Turn around and look at me. I will not stand here and talk to your back."
"Then don't."
Nathan's eyes grew wide at the response, but quickly narrowed as he could feel his temper rise to the surface. It was times like these that made it easy to forget that Lucas was just a child. He struggled to remember some of the compassion he had felt just moments before.
"Lucas. . .."
"Please leave," Lucas said, ignoring Nathan's attempt to speak. Whatever it was, he wasn't in the mood to hear it. Not now. Not after the bridge. Not when he was fighting so hard to keep the tears from falling.
Frustrated by his failure to communicate with Lucas, by his failure to ease his own guilt about the scene on the bridge, Nathan bit back a harsh retort and turned to leave.
"I want the diagnostics on the weapons systems run again and any errors fixed by the time I get back."
"I heard you the first time." Lucas' voice was hard. Harder than Nathan had ever imagined it could be.
Climbing out of the teen's quarters and pulling the hatch closed behind him, Nathan leaned against the wall and let out a deep breath. That had not gone as he had hoped. He knew Lucas could be difficult to talk to, but never like this. Certainly the scene on the bridge was out of line and probably even traumatic for a teenager who was unused to such reprimand, but surely not enough to warrant such anger. Well, whatever the reason, Lucas would have to put it aside to get the job done. The fact remained that Lucas promised to do something that he hadn't finished. Well, technically, he had finished. And he hadn't been asked to make any repairs initially. But he should have reported back to Ford to have the data analyzed, instead of traipsing off with Dr. Westphalen on some other project. Shaking his head as if to clear the confusion, Nathan pushed himself away from the wall and headed back to the bridge.
Lucas heard the captain move away from his hatch and quickly crossed over to lock it. He didn't want any company. At least not the company of anyone on board. They all thought he was a screw up. They were probably laughing at him right now, especially after his dressing down by the captain and the commander. Lucas' stomach rumbled and he stomped over to his desk. Pulling open a drawer he pulled out a candy bar and tore at the wrapper. There was no way he was going down to the mess tonight. No way in . . .. There was just no way. It wouldn't be the first time he skipped dinner because he was afraid to face the crew. But this was bad. He may even have to skip breakfast. Lucas groaned as his stomach growled again and felt his stomach twist. No! He would not cry. Not over this. He didn't deserve to cry. It was his fault the torpedoes didn't work. He screwed up. He was a screw up. But why now? Why here in the one place where he wanted to fit in? Fit in? Who was he kidding-he would never fit in. He was a 15 year old kid on a submarine full of UEO officers and enlisted soldiers. He didn't belong here. No more than he had belonged in an Ivy League school working on his master's degree.
Lucas sat heavily on his bunk and pulled the pillow into his arms. Pressing his face into his pillow he forced his rapid breathing to slow. Feeling a growing panic, Lucas slipped his hand under his mattress and pulled out a small silver pin. His fraternity pin. Three Greek letters glittered under the harsh overhead light. Alpha Gamma Kappa. A keepsake to remember his 'honorary' position in the frat. He, Lucas Wolenczeck, house mascot. To be paraded around campus as some sort of prize. Like it was an honor for him to represent the prestigious Kappas. The whiz kid that no one else had. The kid who was so eager to fit in was willing to help out with the last minute term paper or study session. How many projects had he done for those guys, earning them A's in their computer programming courses and engineering fields? It was frightening to think those same guys were going to be out working somewhere, possibly responsible for the future of electronics.
Lucas rubbed the pin between his fingers, feeling the smooth surface polished by his frequent handling. Closing his eyes, his body relaxed, almost comforted by the presence of the small pin. Slowly, Lucas opened his eyes and pushed his sleeve up with his opposite hand. Grasping the pin in his right hand, Lucas dragged the pin across his forearm. Once, twice, three times. Leaving three small trails of blood behind. It was enough. The tension that had been rampant in his body was gone. Grabbing a tissue out of a crushed box poking out from under the bed, Lucas pressed it against the cuts.
He'd apologize to the captain in the morning. He was wrong after all. He screwed up. He'd fix the weapons systems and run the diagnostic over, as ordered. He didn't want the captain mad at him after all. Lucas' stomach announced itself once again, and Lucas stood. It wouldn't be so bad in the mess. What would they do anyway? Laugh at him? He doubted it, the captain would have them scrubbing decks if he found out.
Crumbling the bloodied tissue in his hand, Lucas tossed it into the trash and pulled open the hatch. Might as well get to it.
-tbc
RATED: PG-15
WARNINGS: Graphic self-harm. Future drug, sex and delinquency issues. May be too intense for some readers. Read it anyway-it's true to life for many teenagers.
SUMMARY: Lots of teen angst and trauma.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please read this! I work with teenagers who come from broken homes and abandonment-just like Lucas. The issues he is going to face are true to life and are very realistic-I am not embellishing on what he is going to go through before my little fic is through. So bear with me.
SEASON: One
ARCHIVE: If anyone is still archiving SeaQuest fics, go right ahead-just email me to let me know you've done it.
EMAIL: [email protected] I love feedback!
*Oh yes, my very first ever, SeaQuest fanfic. Check out my Stargate SG-1 fics at http://members.home.net/voria27/index.htm.
Little Boy Lost
Part One
By: Victoria May
"Battle stations!" Nathan's voice rang out across the bridge. A flurry of motion followed as stations were manned and readied for battle. Commander Ford floated from station to station, checking over shoulders and adjusting controls. Finally satisfied that everything was up to par, he drifted towards the middle of the bridge, coming to rest behind the captain's post.
"Sir, we're receiving a signal on a non-UEO frequency-attempting to de-scramble it now."
Nathan sat back and watched his communications officer attack his console with a flourish that made him proud. Trust the Admiral to send him only the best crew he had to offer. Nathan let his eyes float over his crew scattered across the large command room. Serious faces concentrating on the task at hand. The hours of training together had paid off, leaving the captain with a well oiled machine. As if suddenly realizing the seriousness of the situation, Nathan forced his concentration back to his communications officer.
"Lieutenant O'Neill, about that signal. . .."
Another voice cut in, "Sir, sensors indicate a vessel approaching off the stern."
"I need that signal now Lieutenant!"
"Got it!" Tim adjusted his controls and the view screen was alight with static. The controls were tweaked and the static slowly faded to reveal a man in a torn uniform. His mouth was moving, but the static created white noise, blocking out the words.
"Clean it up. What's he saying?" Nathan leaned forward, straining to catch bits and pieces of the message being conveyed. Suddenly the static cleared and a voice broke through.
" . . . in violation of the Mediterranean peace treaty of 2011. Under UEO mandate number 311, I am ordering you to stand down and prepare to be boarded."
"I'm sorry, but I can't do that. We have are not in any violation of the treaty of which you speak. Identify yourself!"
"Captain Emery Fitzgerald of the United Mediterranean Nations. I repeat, you are in violation of the Mediterranean peace treaty of 2011. Stand down now or I will fire on you!"
"Captain Fitzgerald, it seems that you are the one in violation of the treaty. You have entered UEO waters and have targeted a UEO submarine. I suggest that you explain yourself quickly, before this situation gets out of hand."
The face on the view screen contorted slightly with confusion, then resumed its original bleak mask. "I suggest you check your sensors again 'Captain' before you endanger the lives of your crew. We, most definitely, are in Mediterranean territory. Now stand down!"
"Captain, the vessel is preparing to fire," came a voice to Nathan's right.
"Flood the torpedo bays-ready the interceptors!" Continuing to face the opposing Captain, he lowered his voice. "Captain, please. Check your sensors. You are in UEO waters above the Orion Gulch. Let's end this now."
The grim face ahead tilted slightly and a small smile played on his lips. "I agree Captain. It's time to end this."
"Torpedoes launched Sir!"
"Fire interceptors!"
"Direct hit Sir! They're firing again. Interceptors armed."
"Fire!"
"Sir, there's too many to continue to intercept-we have to return fire!" Commander Ford leaned over Nathan's shoulder as he pointed out the obvious.
"Ready torpedoes. Target the vessel's propulsion system. Fire!"
"Torpedoes failed to fire Sir!"
"What's the problem? Find it! Fix it, whatever it is!"
"Sir! Torpedo bays are shutting down. They won't accept commands."
Rubbing a hand across his furrowed brow, Nathan noticed the taught skin and blood vessels snaking their way under the surface of his skin. 'I'm definitely getting too old for this,' he thought, noting the wrinkles and age spots.
"Target their sensors with the interceptors. Let's at least try to disable that ship while we still can!"
"Direct hit Captain! The Mediterranean vessel is powering down."
The view screen went black for a second and then flickered on, showcasing a grinning Admiral Noyce. "Congratulations Nathan. Well done. You and your crew are to be commended. That was the fastest time yet for a UEO vessel to defeat the Mediterranean's in this scenario."
Nathan sat back and smiled, pleased with the outcome, especially in light of the difficulties the ship experienced during the test. "Thank you Bill."
"Reception's at 0800. Don't be late." The Admiral smiled and added, "Oh, and Nathan? Have someone get those torpedoes back on line before you really need them."
Commander Ford groaned as the screen went black. "Where's Lucas? I thought he ran through the weapons systems this morning. He gave me the thumbs up on this one. He knew how important this was!"
"Relax Commander, I'm sure there's an explanation for this. Lieutenant, get Lucas down here now, please."
"Yes Sir."
Ford began to pace and Tim glanced at Miguel, raising his eyebrows slightly. Miguel shrugged and began to go over the data from the simulation. Finally, Lucas walked onto the bridge, his hands shoved deeply into the pockets of chinos which were several sizes too big.
Spotting Lucas, Ford bounded over and stood, towering over him. "Lucas, I thought you said you ran a diagnostic sweep of the weapons bays this morning."
Lucas looked confused for a minute, then opened his eyes wide. "Oh, yeah. I started, but Dr. Westphalen asked me to help her with a project. I guess I forgot about it after that. I left the computer running the diagnostic though." Lucas walked over to a terminal and tapped on the keys. "It looks like several lines of code are damaged. Commands won't be carried through to. . .to the torpedo bays. Interceptor bays are fully functional."
Nathan rose out of his chair and crossed over to Lucas, laying his hand on the teen's shoulder. "Lucas, this was very important that the weapons systems were operational-are operational. Commander Ford gave you a task to complete and you walked away from it. Do you realize what this could have meant for us? For the SeaQuest? Have you forgotten what today is?"
"Of course I haven't forgotten Sir. You threw me off the bridge not even two hours ago." Lucas fell silent as Nathan continued to stare at him. "Oh. I'm guessing you needed the torpedoes. I'm sorry Captain, Commander. But I thought this was a peace-time scenario. The whole point was to settle the face off peacefully, at least that's how Dr. Westphalen explained it. I didn't think you would need the torpedoes for this. I'm sorry. But I did run the diagnostic. The results were right here-if anybody bothered to check it they would have easily seen there was a problem."
Commander Ford spoke again, "You should be sorry Lucas. Don't ever presume to know what the SeaQuest will need. Just do as your told. We're counting on you to follow through. If you can't, tell us now and we won't make the mistake of handing over something this important again. We'll stick to the easy stuff. Or I'm sure Dr. Westphalen wouldn't mind if you used the extra time helping out in the lab."
Raising a hand to silence the Commander, Nathan turned Lucas slightly so he was face to face with him. "Lucas, do you understand why this was so important?"
Lucas squared his shoulders as his face began to convey a growing anger. "Yes sir, I do. Does this mean we didn't beat the scenario?"
"No, it doesn't. Thanks to some impressive teamwork, we were able to beat the scenario-with the fastest time on record. But that doesn't diminish what you did. We'll be docked at UEO headquarters this evening for a reception and most of the crew will be attending. You, my boy, will be finishing what you started-from scratch. Then you will repair the damages. When I come back here, I expect to find all the weapons fully operational. Do you understand me?"
Lucas grimaced and twisted himself out of Nathan's grip. "Yes sir," he mumbled. Looking up briefly, Lucas noticed that the trio were being watched and blushed in embarrassment. It was bad enough that everyone knew he almost cost them the scenario, but to be dressed down in front of everyone on the bridge was mortifying.
Nathan noticed the flush creep up along Lucas' cheeks and turned quickly. The crew did their best to pretend they had not been watching the interchange, but Nathan knew better. He turned back to see Lucas looking at him with fury in his eyes.
"Can I go now sir? Or do you want to announce what a screw up I am on the intercom and let everyone know? I'm sure they'll know soon enough anyway."
Sighing, Nathan nodded and watched as Lucas turned and nearly ran from the bridge. Without turning, he addressed Ford, "You have the bridge Commander."
Moving slowly in the direction from which Lucas made his hasty exit, Nathan silently cursed himself for being so careless about admonishing the teen. It was inexcusable to berate the boy in front of the entire bridge crew. What was he thinking? Lucas may live on the SeaQuest, may work and serve on the SeaQuest, but he wasn't one of the crew. At least, not like the others on board. The adults. Lucas was a child-a child with a devilish delight in tormenting him with his quick tongue, but a child nonetheless.
Slowing as he reached Lucas' quarters, Nathan took a deep breath and prepared for the worst. He knocked on the hatch and pushed it open. Lucas was sitting in front of his computer, his hands resting on the keyboard, but the monitor was blank. He didn't turn as the captain entered, just spoke to the black screen.
"What?" His voice was icy.
"I'm sorry." Nathan looked at the boy in front of him and waited for a response. None came. Lucas continued to sit, unmoving. Unsure if Lucas heard him, he repeated, "I'm sorry Lucas, that was uncalled for."
This time Lucas did answer, his voice low, angry. "Yes, it was."
Growing angry at the teen's quiet defiance, Nathan's voice lost some of its warmth. "Lucas. Turn around and look at me. I will not stand here and talk to your back."
"Then don't."
Nathan's eyes grew wide at the response, but quickly narrowed as he could feel his temper rise to the surface. It was times like these that made it easy to forget that Lucas was just a child. He struggled to remember some of the compassion he had felt just moments before.
"Lucas. . .."
"Please leave," Lucas said, ignoring Nathan's attempt to speak. Whatever it was, he wasn't in the mood to hear it. Not now. Not after the bridge. Not when he was fighting so hard to keep the tears from falling.
Frustrated by his failure to communicate with Lucas, by his failure to ease his own guilt about the scene on the bridge, Nathan bit back a harsh retort and turned to leave.
"I want the diagnostics on the weapons systems run again and any errors fixed by the time I get back."
"I heard you the first time." Lucas' voice was hard. Harder than Nathan had ever imagined it could be.
Climbing out of the teen's quarters and pulling the hatch closed behind him, Nathan leaned against the wall and let out a deep breath. That had not gone as he had hoped. He knew Lucas could be difficult to talk to, but never like this. Certainly the scene on the bridge was out of line and probably even traumatic for a teenager who was unused to such reprimand, but surely not enough to warrant such anger. Well, whatever the reason, Lucas would have to put it aside to get the job done. The fact remained that Lucas promised to do something that he hadn't finished. Well, technically, he had finished. And he hadn't been asked to make any repairs initially. But he should have reported back to Ford to have the data analyzed, instead of traipsing off with Dr. Westphalen on some other project. Shaking his head as if to clear the confusion, Nathan pushed himself away from the wall and headed back to the bridge.
Lucas heard the captain move away from his hatch and quickly crossed over to lock it. He didn't want any company. At least not the company of anyone on board. They all thought he was a screw up. They were probably laughing at him right now, especially after his dressing down by the captain and the commander. Lucas' stomach rumbled and he stomped over to his desk. Pulling open a drawer he pulled out a candy bar and tore at the wrapper. There was no way he was going down to the mess tonight. No way in . . .. There was just no way. It wouldn't be the first time he skipped dinner because he was afraid to face the crew. But this was bad. He may even have to skip breakfast. Lucas groaned as his stomach growled again and felt his stomach twist. No! He would not cry. Not over this. He didn't deserve to cry. It was his fault the torpedoes didn't work. He screwed up. He was a screw up. But why now? Why here in the one place where he wanted to fit in? Fit in? Who was he kidding-he would never fit in. He was a 15 year old kid on a submarine full of UEO officers and enlisted soldiers. He didn't belong here. No more than he had belonged in an Ivy League school working on his master's degree.
Lucas sat heavily on his bunk and pulled the pillow into his arms. Pressing his face into his pillow he forced his rapid breathing to slow. Feeling a growing panic, Lucas slipped his hand under his mattress and pulled out a small silver pin. His fraternity pin. Three Greek letters glittered under the harsh overhead light. Alpha Gamma Kappa. A keepsake to remember his 'honorary' position in the frat. He, Lucas Wolenczeck, house mascot. To be paraded around campus as some sort of prize. Like it was an honor for him to represent the prestigious Kappas. The whiz kid that no one else had. The kid who was so eager to fit in was willing to help out with the last minute term paper or study session. How many projects had he done for those guys, earning them A's in their computer programming courses and engineering fields? It was frightening to think those same guys were going to be out working somewhere, possibly responsible for the future of electronics.
Lucas rubbed the pin between his fingers, feeling the smooth surface polished by his frequent handling. Closing his eyes, his body relaxed, almost comforted by the presence of the small pin. Slowly, Lucas opened his eyes and pushed his sleeve up with his opposite hand. Grasping the pin in his right hand, Lucas dragged the pin across his forearm. Once, twice, three times. Leaving three small trails of blood behind. It was enough. The tension that had been rampant in his body was gone. Grabbing a tissue out of a crushed box poking out from under the bed, Lucas pressed it against the cuts.
He'd apologize to the captain in the morning. He was wrong after all. He screwed up. He'd fix the weapons systems and run the diagnostic over, as ordered. He didn't want the captain mad at him after all. Lucas' stomach announced itself once again, and Lucas stood. It wouldn't be so bad in the mess. What would they do anyway? Laugh at him? He doubted it, the captain would have them scrubbing decks if he found out.
Crumbling the bloodied tissue in his hand, Lucas tossed it into the trash and pulled open the hatch. Might as well get to it.
-tbc