Begin Again

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.

The night sky drapes over the barren land, a dark blanket dotted with shining stars. There is no moon, but the array of heavenly lights is far beyond any daytime beauty. The air is soft, and only a bit cold, but it is still enough to make each breath of wind seem to come from a frozen waste.

I have seen the night sky so many times. Each night it is a thing of beauty, but in this endless night it seems a curse. The light of a sun has not reached me for weeks, months…years. But what is a year to one who has lived for thousands?

It is days of loneliness, darkness, and memories. I wish some of them would just go away…but I cannot let them. I am here to remember for eternity the things that I have done…the mistakes that I have made.

It was easier to run away from them, to come here and be alone, than to face them every day…to face my betrayal. I betrayed my own and only son. Putting aside everything else I've done, that is unforgivable. I turned my blade against my son with every intent to watch him die.

It is often cold, here, and of course it is empty and lifeless. Such has been the nature of Derris-Kharlan for centuries. The sky now, drifting through space, is a constant black backdrop; it matches perfectly my own darkness.

Sometimes I desire only to forget the life I might have had, had I stayed with my son. If I had watched him grow even stronger…perhaps even have a family of his own…Lloyd would not have made my mistakes. I wouldn't have let him.

He already has a father, of course. I would expect they're doing quite well in the new world…I wonder what they've called it, now that Sylvarant and Tethe'alla are united again. I wonder if this forsaken planet will ever drift by my son's world again…I wonder if he still watches the night sky.

Lloyd once told me that he could remember sitting on my shoulders as a young child and watching the stars. Because of that memory, he took his studies seriously only when stars were concerned. While I didn't entirely approve of this, it has given me much thought over the past years. Have I given him just one more reason to watch the sky at night? As the sun sets on every day, do his memories and decisions come back to haunt him as mine do me?

The day I left the ruins of the Tower of Salvation, I lost something. I hadn't known I'd even had it, but when I arrived here and the planet departed, I knew it was missing. I don't know what it is…but it is missing. Gone, perhaps forever.

Yuan would berate me for thinking this way. He would tell me that I had exiled myself, and I would have to live with the consequences of my actions. …I might have said something similar to that to Lloyd, once. Perhaps I regret that too.

I would have liked to remain with my son and our other companions. I would have given everything, even my strength and ability, to remain down there. But I could not. I was and perhaps still am a member of Cruxis…a villain. There is no place for such a person in the new world. There shouldn't have been a place in the old worlds, either.

I see my mistakes now, see everything I should have done differently. The scenes play over and over in my head, day after day. I can't drive them away, and I can't accept them. I am consumed by the idea that I could have done something.

And Anna. There was my greatest mistake of all. I took the life of the one thing I could actually love. When I traveled with my son and his friends, we found a way to cure a human of the Exsphere mutation. I did not sleep that night, nor for many nights afterward. Anna could have been saved that way. She could still be alive. If not for me.

Derris-Kharlan is where I should be. Here, I have no past, and I do not move forward, so a new past does not create itself. It is…easier this way. Better for everyone.

It has been, I now recall, ten years since I left my son. He will be twenty-seven, maybe twenty-eight, by now, a grown man. I can only hope he has outgrown his childhood ignorance…or perhaps that he has held onto it with everything he has. That ignorance and way of experiencing the world surpassed any expectations I might have had for my son.

The night sky flashes. In ten years, the sky has not flashed, but it does so now. And then I realize. The sky has done nothing. Instead, I turn and face the man who has come to find me.

"Kratos." My name. How many times have I heard him say that name? In anger, awe, fear, sadness, determination…He takes a step forward, and then another. "Dad."

"Lloyd." He takes me by surprise, then, and embraces me—a grown man, nearly as tall as I am—and then he quickly lets go, embarrassed. I realize that someone else is there with us.

A child, perhaps the age of three…the age Lloyd was when I lost him…clings to her father's leg, looking at me shyly. She has brown hair that falls to her shoulders, and the same deep brown eyes that Lloyd has so often fixed me with.

"The Eternal Sword…it brought me here," he offers, hesitantly, quietly. "Kratos…Dad…I…"

"You should not have come, Lloyd. It is dangerous. And you brought a child!"

"She…she's my daughter. …Anna. After…after Mom."

Anna? He has the nerve to come bothering me with a toddler who bears the name of the woman I…

I have to turn away. I don't think I have shed tears since the night Anna died. But what is twenty-seven years to one who has lived for four thousand?

"Kratos," Lloyd tries again, but he stops in surprise this time. Something low to the ground tugs on the back of my cloak. I turn and stare down at the child, the mirror image of Lloyd when he was young.

"Hi," she says, in a small and high-pitched voice. "Kraddos."

"Lloyd…" How can I tell him this, while I'm being watched by this innocent face? "You should go. It is dangerous for her here, as well as for you."

"Dad…I…I want you to come home." Lloyd looks at me pleadingly. The girl runs back around her father, hiding again.

"Lloyd."

"No! I was wrong, all those years ago, not to try and convince you to stay. I was stupid back then, alright? And maybe…maybe I'm stupid now, for trying. You obviously don't care!"

Tears? Lloyd is shedding tears? On my behalf? Just the fact that he's even here…that he's said the words to me, words I have wanted to hear for years…

"Please, Dad! Please come back with us! We…you and I were going to build a boat and sail around the world together! You have to see the new world! Please, Kratos!"

The hand tugs again, on my leg this time. "Peas, Kraddos."

"Look, Dad. I only got here because Derris-Kharlan is passing close to our world again. It might never come back here again…and I couldn't take that. We need you with us, where you belong."

Do I dare accept this? Return to the world where I caused so much pain?

I see my son's face. It would cause him pain if I refused. Him, and all the others like him, who fought for a world without sacrifice.

I'm tired of causing others pain.

"I'm coming, Lloyd."

He smiles. He's still crying, but he's smiling, too, and so is the girl…Anna. My granddaughter. There was a time when I never thought I'd see this day.

"I was…kind of hoping you might tell her that story. You know…the one you used to tell me. I…I remember it, sort of." Lloyd scans the sky, and smiles. "We're passing it again soon, and that's when we'll leave. Go on, Dad, tell the story!"

"A story, Kraddos!"

I cannot resist that voice, a child's voice. I laugh, and lift her up onto my shoulders. She giggles, and her hands dig and pull at my hair just as Lloyd's did, and then she gains her balance. And I can see the single world coming up over the horizon and drawing closer, and the sun with it. And I begin. Again.

"Once upon a time, there existed a giant tree that was the source of all mana…"

Well? What did you think? A cute little Kratos fic…hee!