Apprentice:
The Continuation
Absurdly Appalling Apprentices
"Shizuka?"
"Snore…"
"Shizuka?"
"Sno-o-ore…."
"Shizuka!"
"Sno-o-o-o-o-o-ore…."
"Shizuka!"
"Sno-o-o-o—Yawn."
"SHIZUKA!"
"AAAAAAAH!" Shizuka tumbled off the bed, taking the covers and pillows with her. She quickly jumped up, going into a frantic fighting stance. "Who there!"
Itachi raised an eyebrow at her, putting the megaphone down. "I've been calling you for two hours now. When were you planning on waking up?"
Shizuka grumbled darkly, sitting down on the bed again, picking up a piece of paper from the desk. "I want to know who sent us this stupid-ass invitation," she mumbled, holding it up.
Sasuke suddenly appeared out of no where, screaming "I'LL KILL YOU, ITACHI!"
Moosh.
Itachi pulled his fist out of Sasuke's face then calmly turned to Shizuka. "What's the invitation to?"
"'You are cordially invited to the best hot springs and beach resort of your life, 'tte ba yo!'" Shizuka read. She threw the orange piece of paper away. "Something about the 'tte ba yo is bothering me, though… it sounds familiar…"
"Shall we?" He gestured to the shower. She smiled coyly and followed him.
Sakkon suddenly appeared. "YOU WILL NOT DISGRACE SHIZUKA-SAMA IN SUCH—"
Moosh.
Shizuka smiled at Itachi as they went into the bathroom, leaving Sakkon with a large bump on his head, next to Sasuke.
Gaara glared up at the ceiling while he and Kisame attempted to eat breakfast. However, it was very hard to enjoy the first meal of the day when there was incessant giggling and laughing and water running going on upstairs.
Suddenly, the voices starting carrying downstairs.
"No, Itachi! Don't put it there! It won't fit!"
"Sure, it will. It fit all the other times, didn't it?"
"Yeah, but I don't remember it being so big!"
"It'll fit ok?"
Gaara and Kisame's eyes widened as a loud thumping was heard from the bathroom, which just so happened to be right above the dining room. The thumping was accompanied by shouting.
"Faster! Come on, Itachi, up and down!"
"I'm trying!"
"Well, try harder!"
"Let me work, dammit!"
"Ah, man, it's getting fuller! Come on, seriously, hurry up!"
"I'm trying, I said!"
Gaara and Kisame looked at each other, then ran upstairs to tell the two to shut the hell up and get a grip. They stopped outside the bathroom door when they heard an odd sound.
"Oh great, real smooth. Now it's all over the floor. How are we going to explain this?"
"I don't know, let's just clean it all up before—"
Kisame slammed the door open, glaring down at them in disgust, fearing the worst would be before his eyes.
However, he was met by a much more interesting sight.
Itachi and Shizuka, both still wearing pajamas, were standing in the middle of the bathroom. The bathroom floor was an inch deep in water, and Itachi held a plunger in one hand. The two in the bathroom looked at the two starring ones oddly. "What?" they asked coldly before walking past.
Gaara and Kisame looked at each other. "Were they…?"
"I've never been so disgusted in all my life…" Gaara rubbed his head.
"I love road trips!" Shizuka cried, climbing all over the back seat, trying to look out the window. "Road trips rock!"
"Will you sit still?" Kisame snapped for the fifteenth time that day. "How can you be this energetic, this early?"
"Oh, leave me alone!" she snapped, pulling the lower lid of her eye down at him.
"At least she's not killing us," Gaara pointed out.
"MMMMPH!" Sakkon shouted against his gag, where he and Sasuke were toed up on the floor.
"What?" Shizuka asked curiously, leaning down to look at him.
"MMMPH!"
"I can't hear you…"
"MMMMMPH!"
"Can't you talk right?"
"I feel sick…" Kidoumaru mumbled, feeling his stomach. "I hate cars…"
"Quit your whining, maggot," Tayuya snapped, glaring at him.
"Where's Sakkon?" Ukon asked curiously, noticing for the first time that his younger twin wasn't present.
"I think he said something about being a knight in shining armor before he left this morning." Kabuto shrugged. "He probably just went to see Shizuka."
"So he must be on the other bus, huh?" Ukon frowned, whipping out a lap top (God knows where he got it). "I'm going to yell at him."
While Ukon typed, Orochimaru frowned at the invitation they had received. "This is still bothering me… 'You're invited to spend a day at the best hot springs and beach resort you've ever seen! And guess what else? You're wonderful daughter is going to be there! P.S. Sasuke-kun rocks'. Doesn't that bother you?"
"Not really, Orochimaru-sama."
"We got an Instant Message," Itachi said, cutting off Shizuka's tormenting of Sakkon and Sasuke, who she was currently poking with a stick. "It's from someone called 'Alpha-Beta54'… Do we know them?"
"That's Ukon!" Shizuka said cheerfully, pulling the lap top away from him. "Lookit, Sakkon, your brother's talking! It says 'Sakkon, what are you doing on a bus with those…' LOSERS? How dare he call us losers?" Fuming darkly, she wrote back.
MrRedEyes: Because these people ROCK, DAMMIT!
Shizuka raised an eyebrow at the screen name. "Mr. Red-Eyes?" she repeated, looking at Itachi.
He glared. "I never use it."
Ukon raised an eyebrow at the response. "What the fuck?"
Tayuya frowned, taking the lap top from him. "We are so much cooler then them, dammit!" she snapped, typing that.
"They wrote back." Itachi pointed to the screen.
Shizuka glared at the response. "Damn her!"
"'Hell no, you are not cooler then us, I hope Orochi-daddy kills you'?"
Alpha-Beta54: Shizuka-sama, who said you could say anything?
"Shizuka-sama?" Kisame asked, raising an eyebrow.
(Kisame's mental picture)
"Say my name, assholes!" Shizuka shouted, brandishing a whip at the Five.
"Shizuka-sama, Shizuka-sama!"
(Kisame has a sick imagination)
"They wrote back." Tayuya pointed.
MrRedEyes: Itachi rules. Orochimaru sucks.
Their eyes widened as they turned to look at Orochimaru, who was instantly engulfed in temper-flames, eyes flashing dangerously as he grabbed the lap top.
"O-Orochimaru-sama, remember what the psychiatrist said about—"
"Curl up and die, Kabuto."
"Right, right…"
"I think you pissed them off," Shizuka told Itachi, pointing to the response.
Alpha-Beta54: I DO NOT SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK ON FIVE MONTH OLD RICE, DAMMIT!
MrRedEyes: Go help a little old lady to her car or something, you idiot.
Shizuka smacked a hand over her eyes as Itachi entered the text. "He's going to cut you into itty bitty pieces and eat you."
Jiroubou and Kabuto held Orochimaru, kicking and screaming, to the seat while Kimimaro took control of the lap top.
Alpha-Beta54: Orochimaru-sama is so much sexier then Itachi will ever be. And I am not gay. It's just a well-known fact.
"What the hell?" Itachi shouted at the computer screen. "The old fag, sexier then me?" He turned to Shizuka. "Aren't I sexier?"
"Well… 'sexy' is a relative term…" she said with a shrug as Gaara took the lap top.
MrRedEyes: I will squish you all.
"…Does he actually say anything else?" Ukon asked, after a few moments of silence.
"Let's shut up for a while and see if he backs it up," Tayuya suggested.
"Good idea." Ukon whipped out a karaoke machine (Don't ask me where he got it, this guy is like, BOOM!). "Sing-A-Long time! Tayuya will be Jane!"
"…You cannot be serious."
"I am always serious!"
"…" Tayuya sighed, grabbing the microphone he threw at her.
"And Kimimaro will be Mr. Announcer-guy!" Ukon threw another microphone at Kimimaro, who just shrugged.
"And Orochimaru-sama and Kabuto-san can do back-up!"
"They haven't said anything in a while," Kisame said.
"My scary squish-ness must have scared them," Gaara said, nodding.
"No, they're probably just doing the Sing-A-Longs," Shizuka said with a shrug, totally unaware that she had just crushed Gaara's pride.
"What Sing-A-Longs?" Kisame asked curiously.
"…You don't want to know."
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Kimimaro: Deep in the jungle, in The Land Of Adventure, lives Tarzan
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Tayuya: I am Jane, and I love to ride an elephant
Ukon: My name is Tarzan, I am Jungle-man
Tayuya: The tree-top swinger from jungle-land
Ukon: Come, baby come, I will take you for a swing
Tayuya: Let's go, honey, I'm tingling
Tayuya: Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong! He's really cute, and his hair is long!
Random Animal-insert animal noise-
Tayuya: Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
UkonTayuya: So listen to the jungle-song:
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Ukon:I am Tarzan from jungle, you can be my friend
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Tayuya: I am Jane, and I love to ride an elephant
Ukon: When you touch me, I feel funny
Tayuya: I feel it too, when you're touching me
Ukon: Come to my tree-house to my party
Tayuya:Yes, I'll go if you carry me
Tayuya: Tarzan is handsome, full of surprise. He's really cute, and his hair is nice!
Random Monkey-Insert monkey noise-
Tayuya: Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
UkonTayuya: So listen to the Jungle-song
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Ukon: I am Tarzan from jungle, you can be my friend
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Tayuya: I am Jane, and I love to ride an elephant
Tayuya: Yeah!
Ukon: Go Cheetah, get banana! Hey monkey, get funky!
Tayuya: Swing along, Tarzan!
Ukon: When I am dancing, I feel funky
Tayuya: Why do you keep ignoring me?
Ukon: Tarzan is here, come, kiss me, baby
Tayuya: Oochie coochie kiss me tenderly
Tayuya: Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
Ukon: Me Tarzan!
Tayuya: He's really cute, and his hair is long
Ukon: Long hair!
Tarzan is handsome, Tarzan is strong
UkonTayuya: So listen to the jungle-song
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Ukon: I am Tarzan from jungle, you can be my friend
OrochimaruKabuto: Oo-ee-oo-ee...
Tayuya: I am Jane, and I love to ride an elephant
Kimimaro: And so they got funky, but will Tarzan have Jane? Stay tuned!
"It's just not right." Shizuka shuddered.
"...I can see." Kisame raised an eyebrow at the above scene.
They suddenly noticed Itachi, sitting in a corner of the seat, muttering to himself about not being sexy.
"...Dude," Kisame said finally.
"Finally, we're here." Ukon started out of the car, only to be pushed out of the way by Kidoumaru.
"LAND!" the younger nin shouted, throwing himself on the ground. "Oh, sweet mother nature," he sobbed, petting the grass.
Everyone else: (sweat-drop)
"Huh? Shizuka-sama?" Jiroubou (finally making a speaking appearence) noticed the other car pulling up.
"UKON!" Sakkon wailed, hopping out of the other car, still tied up. "SAVE ME!"
"SAKKON!" Ukon cried, glomping him. (Twin moment)
"...Yeah." They all shook themselves, ignoring the potential yaoi fan fic before them.
Shizuka suddenly noticed Orochimaru, shackled and hand-cuffed to Kabuto's wrist. "OROCHIMARU! YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU!" she shouted, grabbing Kisame's samahade and hitting Orochimaru with it. "YOU MEGALOMANIAC JERK!"
"What the hell'd I do?" Orochimaru cried, unable to shield himself. "This fic is almost totally aside from Apprentice! All of the Five are alive! What'd I do?"
"Ever notice how, in every single one of this bitch's fan fics, I dress like a complete slut!" Shizuka shouted, beating him. "All I ever wear is mini skirts and tank tops and itty bitty dresses! Who's fault is that, hmm? Who buys the dresses! Who's fault!"
"Uh..." Orochimaru thought for a moment or so.
(Six years prior to this event)
"Sakkon, I need you to go and buy some clothes for Shizuka, alright?" Orochimaru handed Sakkon a bunch of money. "Just pick out some nice things."
"Oh, I will, Orochimaru-sama." (Inner-Sakkon: Hell, yes, I will... Snicker-snicker...)
(Present time)
"That was a fun shopping experience," Sakkon mused as Ukon untied him.
Itachi suddenly found a way to vent his frustration: Sakkon's preversion.
"YOU PERVERTED ASSHOLE!" the oldest Uchiha shouted, grabbing the samahade for himself and attacking Sakkon. "HOW DARE YOU BUY SHIZUKA ALL THOSE SKIMPY (yet sexy) CLOTHES AND THEN YELL AT ME FOR... for..." Itachi suddenly noticed Orochimaru.
"Yes?" Orochimaru frowned.
"Er..."
"Hello and welcome to the Haru-maki pyschiatry resort!" a cheery voice suddenly chirped.
They all turned.
"...Sakura?" Shizuka said in disbelief, raising an eyebrow.
"Hi!" she chirped, waving. Naruto grinned next to her, waving as well.
"...What the hell are you doing here? And what was that about 'pyschiatry'?"
"We're here to help you with your problems!" Sakura chirped.
"What problems? We don't have pr—"
"Wow, you're cute!" Ukon suddenly shouted, pointing at Sakura, who blinked.
"Um... Anyway, we—"
"I thought this was a hot spring resort!" Shizuka shouted.
"Psh-haw, you should read the fine print." Sakura waved her hand like it was totally unimportant.
"...Fine print?" Everyone instantly got out their invitations except Orochimaru, whose hands were currently unavailable for function, as they were tied up at the moment.
Tayuya got out a pair of rather thick, horned glasses, putting them on and looking closely at the lines around the invitation. "'Note: Hot springs only available to those who complete the pyschiatric procedures.' Oh, you scheming little bitch, you—" She noticed everyone starring at her. "What?"
"Tayuya, you wear glasses?" Shizuka asked curiously.
"Goggles is more what they are," Kidoumaru, who was still having a love affair with the ground, said grinning.
Tayuya yelped and instantly pocketed the glasses/goggles, glaring at them. "Please die."
"See? You have problems." Sakura shrugged.
"We don't have problems! We are a perfectly normal family of homocidal maniacs!" Shizuka, who now had Orochimaru in a choke-hold.
"...Right." Sakura smiled, dragging everyone inside (Don't ask me how she got everyone in there at one, this lady's like, WOW).
"Ok," she said, once she had Shizuka alone in a room with her and Naruto. "Now that we're secluded, why don't you tell me what's really bothering you?"
"I don't have anything bothering me!"
"Is it because Orochimaru never let you go on any dates?"
"Oh he would, he just stalked my dates!"
"She's too young to take care of herself," Orochimaru answered with a frown. "I had to make sure nothing happened to her!"
"He would threaten to cut off their nuts if they touched me!"
"It's tough work, being a father, you know. If it weren't for Kabuto, I'd probably lose it."
"Orochimaru is the king of the idiots," Kabuto said, frowning.
"He always makes sure I get what I want!"
"The other day, he actually had the nerve to ask me to go to the store and pick up a pound of sugar so he could make cucumber cookies!" Kabuto shouted.
"Kabuto is a very good cook, as it turns out."
"Who even eats cucumber cookies! I ask you!"
Deciding that this discussion was over, they moved on to Kidoumaru and Tayuya's problems.
"Tayuya is a very mean lady," Kidoumaru confided, twiddling his fingers.
"Kidoumaru? Oh god, don't get me fuckin' started!" Tayuya cried.
"All I did was buy a Monkey Ball game!"
"He buys some stupid game with my money! My money!"
"And then she just started hitting me repeatedly!"
"I was going to use that money to buy at atomic bomb!"
"Then, I offered to get her her own Monkey Ball game, and she just started hitting me even more!"
"I needed those bombs, dammit! Do you see why now?"
"So I've been peeing in her coffee ever since." Kidoumaru snickered.
"So I've been switching our coffee ever since." Tayuya smirked.
Kidoumaru: Sip. Yummm...
That discussion was definitely over. On to Itachi and Kisame.
"What? I'm not even a part of this family!" Itachi shouted, struggling against the hand cuffs on the arm rests.
"Aw, you included me, how sweet!" Kisame cried.
"Kisame's a freak! An ugly freak!"
"Itachi hates me because I'm supposedly ugly. Itachi hates ugly things. Snif."
"Just waking up knowing I have to look at his ugly face makes me what to commit suicide!"
"He doesn't appreciate my finer points... He likes Shizuka better..."
"I can't stand the fact that there are so many shonen-ai fics written about us! How disgusting is that!"
"Just because she has boobies! That's all!"
"To think that I would even consider having any bond other then comradery with that fish-face is just insulting!"
"I think Itachi is sexist to his own gender!"
Yep, that was over. On to Kimimaro and Shizuka.
"Orochimaru-sama is god."
"All he ever thinks about is Orochimaru! Orochimaru this, Orochimaru that!"
"He will make you his minions."
"I swear, one of these days, I'm going to just crack and strangle him!"
"You all will live off gruel and crumbs."
"And you know what sucks? He could actually be a must more popular character! He only got number 14 on the last poll!"
"What is fame when your body will one day rule the world?"
"I bet I could have him beat if anyone voted with me included!"
"Orochimaru is god."
"But no! SNG had to go and make him all cute and shy in Crimson Love! Now everyone loves him!"
Ok, no problems there. On to Sakkon and Shizuka.
"Shizuka-sama doesn't appreciate me!" Sakkon sobbed.
"He stalked me for three months!"
"I was just making sure she was ok! Is that so wrong?"
"He watched me have sex, dammit!"
"But she doesn't know," Sakkon snickered.
"But he doesn't know." Shizuka smirked.
"Now that I'm alive again, guess what I'm going to do?"
"Now that he's alive again, guess what I'm going to do?"
"THROW HER TO THE GROUND!"
"CUT OFF HIS TESTICLES!"
Ok, yeah, moving on! Jiroubou.
"People make fun of me," Jiroubou sniffed.
"He's so useless!" Tayuya shouted.
"They all hate me..." Jiroubou clung to his security blanket.
"He takes up too much ground," Kidoumaru confided. "Not enough for me to glomp!"
"They're meanies..."
"All he ever does is sit there and hug his teddy!" Sakkon shouted.
"They all hate Mr. YumYums, too!"
"It's the ugliest bear!" Ukon cried.
"But I can't find it now..."
"Tayuya got fed up one day and set it on fire!" Sakkon said, grinning pyschotically.
"Am I codependent?"
...Let's go see if the twins have any problems.
"Ukon bosses me around alot."
"Oh, where do I begin?"
"He thinks just because he's older, he can tell me what to do!"
"He's so damn clingy!"
"I like hugs, dammit, is that so wrong?"
"That's why there are so many twincest fics about us! Because he's so clingy!"
….While we're at it, let's check out Itachi and Sasuke. (Please note, Naruto is conducting these interviews)
"ITACHI RUINED MY LIFE, DAMMIT!"
"Sasuke is my pretty-face rival."
"It all started when I was two."
"He's rather annoying, isn't he?"
"You see, I wanted a donut."
"He's all mad at me because I, like, killed our whole family."
"But of course, Itachi wasn't going to let me have a donut, being Itachi."
"Is that wrong or something?"
"So he played a game of 'catch the donut'…"
"No one respects me…"
"Then he ate the donut!"
"My own girlfriend doesn't even tell me I'm sexy…"
"I've never had a donut in my life because of it! I bet he told everyone in the village to never give me a donut!"
"I have feelings, too, you know…"
"He just lives to make me miserable!"
"No one likes me…"
"Ok, after nearly having my life flash before my eyes," Naruto said with a sigh, "I've finally come to a conclusion."
"What's that?" everyone (including Sakura) asked curiously.
"Ok. You." Naruto pointed to Orochimaru. "And you, and you, and you, and you and you…" He pointed to everyone except Sakura. "All need to…"
They waited with bated breath.
"LOVE EACH OTHER AND ENJOY A DAY AT THE HOT SPRINGS, 'TTE BA YO!" Naruto threw his arms up in glee, grinning.
Everyone: Crash!
"Except Sasuke-kun!" Sakura cried, clamping down on her crush/love/husband (but only in her head). "He stays with me! I'll help him with his problems!"
"What!" Orochimaru shouted, running at her.
"Look, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto jingled a ring of keys. "Shiny. Follow the shiny."
Orochimaru turned, eyes shining, to follow the keys as Kabuto headed towards the men's side. "Shiny…."
"Shizuka…!" Itachi whined, crawling up to her, looking pathetic. "Aren't I sexy…?"
She looked at him oddly.
Itachi: PUPPY DOG EYES!
"….Yes," she finally muttered.
"YAY! MY LIFE HAS MEANING!" He glomped her, squeezing the life out of her.
"DO NOT DEFILE—"
"Just let it go," Ukon said, catching Sakkon by the back of his shirt.
"YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!" Sakkon wailed. "YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A PINK FREAK!"
Twitch. "SAY THAT TO MY FACE, LAVENDER-HEAD!"
"PINK FREAK, PINK FREAK, NYAH NYAH!"
"I WANT A CUCUMBER COOKIE!"
"MAKE YOUR OWN!"
"OROCHIMARU IS GOD, DAMMIT!"
"SHUT UP, KIMIMARO!"
"Don't worry, Kimimaro, we'll make them pay."
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama."
And meanwhile, Jiroubou still searches for Mr. YumYums…