Teaching Hiei How to Drive

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. I am making no profit from writing this.

Warnings: Please do not drive like Hiei.

Note: I have edited this story as of October 29, 2008. I removed most of the Japanese words. I have been studying Japanese language and culture at my university for a couple years now, and I've realized how strange it looks to mix in random Japanese phrases in an English-language short story.

Aside from that, thank you to everyone for your reviews so far. I'm so pleased that readers have found this story amusing. I love it when I read a funny fanfic. It brightens my day, and I'm happy that this was able to add humor to yours.

---

Hiei was sitting on his branch outside of Kurama's window. Stupid fox, he thought sourly, ripping off chunks of bark. When will he wake up? Yusuke said we had important training to accomplish before the next assignment.

The fire demon shifted to dangle his legs over one side of the branch. Trust Yusuke to set 'practice time' for first thing in the morning. He probably had a date with Keiko in the afternoon. The problem was that Kurama was not an early riser; neither was Kuwabara. Fortunately, Yusuke had taken it upon himself to rouse Kuwabara, leaving Hiei to solve the Kurama-problem. If the stupid fox didn't get up in the next minute or so, Hiei would drag him out of bed forcibly.

Just as he was about to flit over to the window, he saw Kurama roll out of bed and land on the floor with a thunk. His human mother's voice could be heard calling faintly. Kurama mumbled something back and sleepily pulled on his magenta high school uniform. Hiei rolled his eyes at the color (who designed that uniform, anyway?!) and waved. Kurama caught his eye and nodded, signaling with a hand.

Hiei went back to the other side of tree, watching the front door of the house. Kurama appeared there shortly, murmuring something to his mother, and then strolled down the front walk. Hiei followed him down the road, moving from tree to tree with incredible swiftness. Only when they were a safe distance from Kurama's home did he land on the sidewalk.

"You took your time, fox," he said in way of greeting.

"And good morning to you," Kurama replied calmly. "Are you excited?"

Hiei spared him a glance. "What do you mean?"

Kurama's green eyes widened. "You don't know?"

"Know what?" Hiei was getting annoyed.

"Yusuke didn't tell you?"

"Stupid fox! Get to the point!" Hiei snarled.

Kurama shrugged. "Oh, it's nothing. You'll find out soon enough."

Hiei knew that Kurama was teasing him, baiting him. He refused to be drawn into a fight, and stubbornly stared straight ahead.

They met Yusuke and Kuwabara in their school's parking lot, an empty expanse of concrete on that Sunday morning. Yusuke was leaning against a rather sad looking blue car, chatting with Kuwabara lightly. Both were dressed in casual clothing; Kurama only wore his uniform because he believed that it went well with his scarily red hair.

"Hey," Yusuke called to them as they approached. "All set?"

"Yes," Kurama said, purposefully doing two things---one, ignoring Hiei; two, not stating what they were 'all set' for.

The fire demon resisted two urges---one, to pout; two, to fry the fox with his kokuryuuha.

"I suppose it's only necessary for me and Hiei to be here," Yusuke admitted, opening the front passenger door to the car, "but it's nice of you guys to be here." He grinned at Kuwabara and Kurama.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," Kuwabara said, smiling evilly.

Hiei looked at Yusuke squarely. "Tell me what is going on. Now."

Yusuke raised his eyebrows. "Oh, did I forget to tell you? Our next assignment requires you to be able to drive a car."

Hiei's jaw dropped open. What sort of bizarre assignment would need him to drive a human vehicle? What were they going to do, make a hit-and-run raid on a gathering of renegade demons? He hmphed mentally.

"We're going to make a hit-and-run raid on a gathering of renegade demons," Yusuke cheerfully told him. Hiei's mouth sagged open further. "And you're the driver, since all of the demons are, predictably, impervious to fire. So you're otherwise useless. Hop in the front seat."

Hiei's eyebrows twitched at the "useless" comment. He looked over the little blue car with apprehension, trying to mask the anxiety he was feeling with a stony expression. "I don't know how to drive a car," he said quickly.

Yusuke rolled his eyes. "If you did, we wouldn't be here. I'm going teach you, Hiei. Now get in." Yusuke turned and slipped into the front passenger seat. Kuwabara carefully avoided looking at Hiei and piled into the back with Kurama. The fire demon had no choice but to walk around to the driver's door. There he paused, a little uncertain of how to open the door. This handle thing. Do I just pull it. . . ? He tried this, figuring he could always melt away the metal if worst came to worst.

Unsurprisingly, it opened. Surprisingly, Hiei discovered he was standing in the path of the door, hence receiving a chestful of car-door. He groaned and coughed weakly, convinced beyond reparation that this was a very, very bad idea.

"Get in," Yusuke urged impatiently, tossing a set of keys up and down in his hand.

Hiei edged around the door and clambered into the seat. It was in a reclining position, but Hiei did not want to recline. He scooted to the edge of the seat and looked at Yusuke questioningly.

"Close the door," the spirit detective sighed.

Glancing at the door which had given him such a blow, Hiei felt insecure about closing it. Yet he reached out with both hands and dug his nails into the arm rest, tugging. With a slam, the door snapped shut and Hiei was tossed backwards onto Yusuke's lap.

"Quit flirting with Urameshi and let's get going," Kuwabara scolded mockingly, grinning.

Hiei resolved to flame the huge teenager sometime soon---maybe after lunch?---and struggled back into his seat. "What now?" he asked in a despairing tone.

Yusuke, unruffled, pointed to the three pedals in front of Hiei's feet. "See if you can reach those. The one in the middle will stop the car. The right one is the accelerator. And the left one is the parking brake---don't worry about that."

Hiei tried reaching them with his feet, but they were out of reach. However, if he crouched down, he could work them easily with his hands. He demonstrated and Yusuke shook his head. "Adjust your seat. Kuwabara drove it over here; that's why there's so much leg room. You have to use your feet with the pedals."

Hiei folded his arms, scowling. "This is ridiculous. You drive the car around and I will watch. Then I'll try driving."

Yusuke scratched his head. "Y'know. . . that might be a good idea." Vivid images of Hiei crashing the car into a wall flashed through his mind and he cringed.

They traded seats and Yusuke adjusted the seat for his height. Turning on the car, he used slow, exaggerated motions to drive the vehicle around the parking lot a few times. Hiei watched carefully, studying everything Yusuke did. He also wondered if he'd be able to drive well enough for their assignment, which probably was set for a few days hence.

Skillfully, Yusuke parked the car and handed the keys to Hiei. "Your turn," he said with a friendly grin.

Hiei grabbed the keys and shoved Yusuke into the passenger seat in the blink of an eye. He inserted the correct key into the little metal slot and turned it. The car roared to life. Smirking at this small triumph, he readjusted the seat and experimentally pressed the accelerator. The car squealed in protest.

"It might help if you put the car into drive," Kurama whispered before Kuwabara could start guffawing. Hiei grunted and shifted gears. Again he pressed the gas. The car shot forward and Hiei jerked the wheel to the side, narrowly missing one of the parking lot light poles. Hiei took some of the pressure off the pedal and the car slowed obediently. Hiei smiled to himself and drove around the parking lot once without hitting anything.

"Good work, Hiei," Yusuke congratulated him. "You're a fast learner."

"So now I know how to drive?" Hiei parked the car.

Yusuke exchanged a glance with Kurama before saying, "It would probably be wise if you practiced driving on roads, I think."

Hiei nodded slowly. "Is that any different?"

"You must be aware that there are plenty of other drivers," Kurama cautioned, "and you must drive conscientiously. Don't run over anyone, and don't go through red lights. There are many road rules."

Yusuke agreed, "Many. But since you're going to have to drive fast and dangerously anyway. . . " He shrugged. "Just don't crash into anyone or anything. And don't get pulled over by a police officer. I'm broke."

Hiei gripped the wheel tightly in anticipation. If he guessed correctly, this car could go nearly one hundred miles per hour without exploding. This could actually be fun. "Where should I drive?"

Kuwabara leaned forward eagerly. "Keiko! Yukina and Shizuru had a sleepover with her last night. Let's pick 'em up!"

Hiei rolled his eyes. He wasn't exactly certain how he felt about Kuwabara dating his twin. Sure, he had his moments. . . but to be honest, moments weren't very long periods of time. Especially for demons.

But it was a nice day out, and Hiei did have a fast-moving machine under his command, and Yusuke had said that he didn't really have to obey the rules of the road. . . "Fine," he gritted out, and drove to the exit.

"Signal left before you turn," Yusuke reminded him, gripping the armrests as Hiei swerved into the traffic. Hiei nodded curtly and concentrated on tailgating the slowpoke in front of him who was only doing 55 mph on a 45 mph road. Idiot! What's wrong with 65?

"Slow down!" Kurama yelped, bracing himself as Hiei skimmed through an intersection as his light changed to red.

Hiei slammed on the brakes abruptly, looking back at the red-haired fox. "Why?"

Kurama could only shake his head.

The fire demon shrugged and leisurely drove on, oblivious to the fact that all the honking around him was directed at him. At the next intersection he tried to make a right turn and nearly collided with a car turning from the opposite side of the road.

"Yield, yield, yield!" shouted Yusuke, tightening his seatbelt. Hiei just zipped the blue car around his SUV adversary and continued speeding down the road.

"We are so going to get ticketed," Kuwabara groaned. "And Hiei doesn't even have a license."

"Actually, he does," Yusuke said with a smirk, reaching into his pockets and fumbling. Finally he brought out a little plastic card. "Botan gave me this when she gave the assignment. Just in case."

At the next red light, Hiei took the card and studied it. A rather dismal photograph of himself was printed on the card, along with fabricated information. "Yamamoto Ken," he read. "That's not my name."

"It is now." Yusuke fixed him with a glare. "Don't mess up if a cop asks to see the license."

"All of this information is wrong," Hiei protested. "I'm not sixteen. My birthday is not the seventh of May. I don't have blond hair."

Yusuke blinked. "It says blond?"

Hiei tossed the card back at Yusuke and accelerated as the light turned green. "Yeah."

Kurama leaned forward to look at the card. "But your picture looks normal. . . black hair, red eyes. . . man, is that one awful photograph."

"Man, did Botan mess this one up or what. Drivers' licenses don't even specify hair color," Kuwabara muttered. "At least no one can blame me. All I did was find a laminating machine to use."

"To the convenience store!" Kurama said excitedly. "I can't wait to dye Hiei's hair." He ran over the fashion possibilities in his mind.

"No, stupid fox!" Hiei cursed vehemently for a moment, shuddering at the thought of letting Kurama near him with any cosmetic or clothing items.

Kuwabara pointed out, "We can explain away the inconsistency if necessary. There's no point in agonizing over milk that hasn't been spilled yet. Now hurry up and get to Keiko's place."

Hiei turned into a residential area, not bothering to slow down. He screeched to an inglorious halt in front of the correct apartment complex and proudly shifted the gears to park. "How was I?"

Yusuke was massaging his knuckles, which had been white for most of the ride. "Passable," he grunted, and left it at that.

Kuwabara was already out of the car, dragging Kurama behind him. "Urameshi! Come on!" he called, heading for the stairs.

Yusuke looked at Hiei. "Coming? It will only be a moment."

Hiei thought about it and then shook his head.

"Okay," Yusuke shrugged, and shut the door. Hiei watched his progress up the stairs to the correct apartment. Kuwabara and Kurama were already chatting with the girls just outside the door. The fire demon checked the wards on his Jagan absently, wondering how they would fit three more people into the already small car. And if that fox decided to sit up front and play with his hair while Hiei was trying to drive, there would be even more people to toast later that day.

They came down the stairs, laughing and chatting. Keiko asked Yusuke something; he shook his head and pointed to Hiei, who tried to look as inconspicuous as possible. Not that he was embarrassed and didn't want these humans to think less of him if he drove badly or anything. Of course not.

Yusuke opened the passenger doors and Kuwabara circled around to the back driver's side door. Gallantly he helped Yukina to sit; Shizuru helped him by shoving him inside and then following more gracefully. Yusuke himself directed Keiko to the backseat and shut the door.

Mentally Hiei groaned. Great. The fox will be in the front too. If he touches my hair, I'll fry him to a crisp. Why did foxes always have to be such sociable creatures? Always comparing tails and touching ears with other foxes – and when it came to other species, they didn't care for foreign protocol. Patting shoulders frequently. Hugging as greeting. Ruffling hair constantly for no reason at all. Human were much the same, but Hiei was not a human and he hated it when the fox wanted to pat his hair.

Kurama slid into the makeshift middle seat (which was usually an armrest) and grinned at Hiei, running a finger lightly over the soft black hair---unwittingly sealing his fate. "Hyped and ready to drive again?"

Hiei snapped at the finger in a feral manner. Kurama simply laughed and pulled the offending hand away. Yusuke sat in the passenger seat and nodded at Hiei. "How about driving out to the docks? That would be sufficient practice. Do you know the road ways there?"

Hiei nodded stiffly, elbowing Kurama in the side so that he could get to the gear shift. Slowly he did a three-point turn and then zoomed back onto the main roads.

"I didn't know you could drive, Hiei," Yukina chirped, smoothing the folds in her kimono.

"He can't," Kuwabara said, and at the same time Kurama said, "He's learning," and simultaneously Yusuke said, "Watch out for that biker!"

The motorcyclist made a rude gesture at Hiei, who made one that was three times as rude back. "I'm driving for an assignment," he told Yukina, narrowly missing a red light.

"Oh," she said in a small voice. Hiei zipped around a traffic circle with terrifying speed. Then Kuwabara decided he liked Hiei's driving style, as Yukina latched onto his arm.

"Eat my dust, [expletive deleted]!" crowed Hiei as he beat an oncoming driver to a tricky right turn. He continued to laugh evilly occasionally as he got into the rhythm of driving. Kurama seemed understandably perturbed by this. He glanced at Yusuke and whispered, "Can you scoot over any further?"

"No," Yusuke admitted, already squashed against the door.

Kurama looked from Hiei's fanged grin to Yusuke and made his decision. "'Scuse me," he said cheerfully, pushing himself onto Yusuke's lap.

"Hey! You're taller and heavier than I am! What's the big idea!?" Yusuke ranted, his vision full of red hair.

Keiko battered Kurama on the shoulder. "How come you get to sit in Yu-chan's lap and I don't? I'm his girlfriend! Quit hitting on him!"

"I'm not hitting on anyone!" Kurama snapped at her. "I'm trying to get away from this deranged fire demon before he sics his kokuryuuha on the other cars and incinerates me!"

"Don't you yell at my girlfriend!" Yusuke tweaked one of Kurama's ears, which startled the fox so much he reverted to his true form. All seven feet of it.

Plus the tail.

Hiei stopped laughing and glared at Kurama briefly. "Stupid fox! Now I can't see out of the rear view mir---" He got a mouthful of fox tail and shook his head vigorously, spitting out fur.

Meanwhile, Yusuke was being squashed. "Do you mind?" he mumbled irately, all his senses filled with long silvery fur.

Shizuru complained, "Why do I hang out with you people? I mean, how much weirder can you get?"

"Kurama!" Yusuke yelled. "I can't breathe! MOVE IT!!"

The fox changed forms again, this time into his fox body. Multiple tails waving indignantly, Kurama hopped to the backseat and settled on Shizuru's lap. She began to stroke his fur absently.

"Well, that's better," Hiei said absently, driving six inches behind the car in front of him. The red sedan finally changed lanes, allowing Hiei to shoot ahead. "How much faster do I have to go to 'burn rubber,' as humans say?" he asked Yusuke.

"Let's not try that," the spirit detective said quickly, pointing to their turnoff. "Take a left here. It's a short distance from the docks."

Hiei careened around the corner (throwing fox Kurama across the backseat to land on Keiko, who tugged his tails in punishment for sitting on Yusuke's lap) and continued at very high speeds to a small parking lot. There he veered into a compact parking space and stepped on the brake so fast and hard that he nearly gave everyone whiplash (except for Kurama, who sailed over the front passenger seat and crashed into the windshield).

"Everyone out," Hiei said calmly, unbuckling his seatbelt.

"Hiei, I think you're prepared for the assignment," Yusuke said, gasping for breath since he had forgotten to breathe in his terror.

"Excellent. When is it?"

"Tuesday." Yusuke unlocked the doors and stood shakily, taking a moment to regain his balance before he went to open Keiko's door.

Hiei grabbed Kurama from the dashboard before the fox could run away and transform. The fire demon had not forgotten his mental note to char the fox and Kuwabara, and with the seaside fairly quiet at midmorning, he figured he could get it done before lunch and save the afternoon for gloating.

Decision made, Hiei kept a firm hold on the fox and stalked over to a grassy area that didn't look so good anyway and knelt on the grass. "Fox," he growled, "now you pay for touching my hair."

Kurama looked at him questioningly, cute as can be. Hiei groaned as he realized the fox was performing his Am I not so hopelessly adorable? act. Blinking dilated golden eyes, tilting his head from side to side, waving all his tails back and forth---the whole works. Hiei struggled to keep control, but finally his will collapsed. He briefly petted the fur, enjoying the extreme softness, before putting Kurama on the ground carefully. "There you go. How could I have even considered torching you? I am in such a peaceful mood now that I won't fry Kuwabara either." Kurama graced him with the fox equivalent of a smirk and shifted back to his human form, sprawled out on the grass.

"You're such a softie, Hiei." The fox stood up and dusted his uniform off. "Oh---sorry about the fur." Kurama turned and went to rejoin the others.

"Huh?" Hiei narrowed his eyes. "Fur. . . ?" He chanced to look down at himself. The front of his black outfit was covered in silver strands of fur. "Damn!!" he yelled. "Kurama!!" Hiei chased after the fox demon, determined to show him the meaning of wrath.

Yusuke, Keiko, Kuwabara, Yukina, and Shizuru watched Hiei chase Kurama around the docks. "And all because I taught Hiei how to drive," Yusuke murmured. "Somehow, I feel vaguely guilty."

"They need the exercise anyway. Boys will be boys," Yukina said indulgently, smiling at the two demons.

Suddenly Hiei ripped his bandages from his arm and sent out his chi, tempting and baiting the kokuryuuha. The dragon-shadow of flames leapt to life, crashing down on Kurama, who grew his rose whip in an instant. They battled back and forth for several minutes until an ice cream vendor caught their eyes. Just as abruptly as they had appeared, the rose whip and kokuryuuha were gone and the demons were wandering in the direction of the perplexed vendor.

Yusuke and the others just blinked.

Hiei and Kurama rejoined the group bearing enough ice cream for everyone. Yukina promptly froze hers into a solid block of ice. Hiei melted his to the boiling point and devoured it in an instant. Kuwabara stared at them and shook his head, opting to eat his in the normal manner.

Someone very familiar came flying towards them as they ate their ice cream. Yusuke mumbled, his mouth full of ice cream, "Hotun?"

"Swallow," commanded Keiko. "Repeat."

"Botan!" Yusuke waved. "Hey!"

"Hello, all!" she replied, flipping around on her oar with ease. "I have an assignment update for you."

"Is it sooner? Because that'd be fine. I already taught Hiei how to drive---he's a fast learner."

Botan laughed and shook her head. "Amazing! But, actually, the demons got wind of the raid and called off their meeting. So. . . Hiei doesn't need to know how to drive, and you all can do your homework Tuesday night instead." She glanced at the sun. "Oh---I need to go! Gotta report back. Well, see ya!" And she was gone.

Yusuke nearly dropped his ice cream. "I taught Hiei how to drive for nothing?"

Hiei tilted his head thoughtfully. "Perhaps not for nothing. Tell me about this human thing called…what was it? Oh, yeah. NASCAR."

The end.