Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or concepts of Neon Genesis Evangelion. They are owned by Gainax and ADVision.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Asuka's Redemption

By ScarabDrowner

Chapter 1

Impact

Shinji stepped through the door of his room, a strange little smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. He had spent most of the night thinking about what had happened the day before, about the fight that he and Asuka had had. He regretted being so cruel to her, and had tossed and turned in his bed, unable to sleep because of it. Part of him still felt she deserved it, but the part of him that was in love with her had eventually won out.

He had decided to apologize to her, hoping that the rift between them hadn't already grown irreparably large. Although the insomnia caused by his regret had eventually passed, it was soon replaced by the insomnia of trying to decide how best to apologize. He had finally reached a decision only 25 minutes ago, and that was the main reason for his smile.

He would cook for her a special breakfast consisting of all the foods she had ever complained about missing from home. He would make it the best breakfast she had ever had. His plan was to also deliver his apology, which had taken him over 2 hours to compose, while she was eating, hoping her mouth would be too occupied for her to interrupt him. He knew Asuka would still be asleep for the next few hours, so he had time enough to make everything perfect.

As he began cooking, Shinji's mind began to wander, going back to that fight. He could see it happen almost as clearly as if he were watching a movie...

They had just finished dinner. Misato was still at Headquarters, working the night shift. As Shinji started washing the dishes, Asuka, still seated at the table sipping her soda, decided it was time to go into one of her rants again.

"Tsk! I can't believe that WonderGirl."

Shinji rolled his eyes. Here we go again, he thought, thankful his back was to her so she wouldn't notice his expression.

Asuka continued, "Always doing whatever the Commander asks her to. You know, she told me once that she would die if he ordered her to. Can you believe that?" Asuka laughed disdainfully. "I wouldn't be surprised if that's not the only thing he'd order her to do."

"Wha... what!?!" Shinji couldn't believe what he was hearing. He almost dropped the plate he was washing as he spun around. "He woul... she... Rei would never do anything like that!"

"Oh really?" Asuka sneered. The predatory smile on her face causing Shinji to back up a step. "What would you know about it, Third?"

He always hated the way she said his "title." It was almost condescending, and he could have sworn that she knew it too. Why else would she always talk to him that way, if not to purposefully grate on his nerves?

"You're such an idiot," she continued. "I don't know why I waste my time even trying to talk to you."

Unwilling to get into another fight with Asuka, Shinji turned around again to finish washing the dishes.

"Heh," she scoffed, "just as I thought. The Mighty Shinji running away again. What is your problem? I mean, is there a clinical term for what is wrong with you?"

Just let it go, Shinji, he thought to himself. It's not worth it. She'll get bored of this soon enough. He never noticed his hand begin to flex from the anger starting to rise within him.

But she didn't stop. She kept right on going. She was on such a roll, however, that she never even noticed herself going way past the proverbial line. "No wonder your mother left you. You're so damn pathetic that she couldn't stand to be near you any longer. Hell, if it weren't for those stupid angels, I'd probably leave too, just to get away from you."

That did it. Something inside Shinji snapped. If his back hadn't been turned to her, she might have noticed the rage flash through his eyes. Instead, all she noticed was his trembling, and a whisper she could barely hear.

"That's enough," Shinji said, his voice barely audible.

"What was that, Third Child?" Asuka sneered. "Crying again are we? Geez, you really are pathetic!" she said, mistaking the cause of his trembling.

"That's enough," he repeated, slightly louder this time. His hand stopped flexing. Instead, it stayed clenched up into as tight a fist as he could manage.

"Oh, come on, you wimp!" Asuka said irritably. "If you're gonna say something, at least say it loud enough for others to hear. Baka!"

Shinji turned around, his eyes glaring at the redhead. She barely had time to notice the anger in his eyes before she was knocked out of her chair by the force of his slap.

"I said, 'THAT'S ENOUGH'!" Shinji roared.

"Shin...ackk..."

Her words got cut off as he put one hand on her throat, picking her up and pinning her against the wall.

"Shut up, you... you bitch!" Shinji yelled in her face. "Just shut up and listen for once in your damn life!"

She opened her mouth to reply, but the slight squeeze on her throat prompted her to close it again. She couldn't believe what was happening. Her whole body seemed to go numb from shock, as if her own internal power had just reached 00:00.

"Good," he said as he relaxed his hand just a bit. "Who the hell do you think you are? Wait... no, I know who you think you are. You think that you are Little Miss Perfect who's so good at everything that nobody else in the entire world deserves the slightest bit of respect!" He leaned in closer, whispering in her ear, "But I know what you really are."

Asuka's eyes went wide as he moved back, giving her a cruel grin. Mein Gott! she thought. What's happened to Shinji? This isn't my Shinji!

"Do you want to know what you really are, Asuka? You're nothing more than a spoiled little brat who's afraid of her own fucking shadow. And because you're so afraid, you do whatever you can to insult and degrade others, just so you can stand to wake up the next morning." He scoffed, "Heh... to think, I once thought that I loved you."

To say Asuka was stunned by this situation would be an understatement the size of her ego, but she found herself downright shocked at his confession. While it was true that she harbored secret feelings for Shinji in her heart, she never expected him to feel that way about her too. She had hoped that they would eventually be a couple, but hearing that he had loved her before and that he obviously doesn't now crushed her heart more completely than any Angel could. To have the love of her life so close only to drive it away by acting stupid was almost too much for her to bear.

Shinji saw the shock in her eyes. "Huh... so you didn't know that, did you? I can't say I'm surprised. You always were too full of yourself to care about how others felt."

"Shinji, I..." Asuka tried to explain herself, but Shinji's hand slammed her back against the wall, causing her to see stars.

"I'M NOT FINISHED!!" Shinji yelled. "I did love you once. I even dreamed that someday you would love me back." Asuka noted that instead of the pure anger which had filled Shinji's eyes so far, there was now a trace of sadness as well. "But it has been made quite clear to me that you are incapable of such kindness."

Shinji's hand trembled on her neck as he fought to maintain the strength that has sustained him this far. "I don't want to see you ever again. Outside of school and NERV, I will have nothing more to do with you. As far as I'm concerned, you died in that last attack."

With that, Shinji released her throat with a shove, and walked back to his room.

As the memories replayed themselves for him, Shinji was again overwhelmed by a strong sense of regret. He hoped that his plans for this morning would at least make things a little better.

A few minutes later, Misato came home from her night shift, looking dead on her feet. "Morn', Shinji," Misato greeted him drowsily before grabbing her customary morning beer from the fridge.

Shinji waited for her to finish her equally customary morning whoop before replying. "Good morning, Misato."

"Wow, that smells great, Shinji! That's not our normal breakfast, is it? What's the occasion?" Misato inquired with a twinkle in her eye. "Did Asuka finally get you to propose?"

Shinji nearly burned himself on the sausages he was frying as he whirled around, shocked. "Oh, no Misato! That... that's not it... nothing happened, really. I just felt like being nice to everyone today."

He was saved from Misato's teasing as the phone decided to ring at that moment. With an irritated sigh, Misato got up to answer it.

"Hello? ... What? ... For how long? ... Did she say why? ... Ok, I understand. ... Thanks for letting me know. ... Bye."

Misato hung up the phone, a concerned look on her face. As she went to sit back down to finish her third beer, Shinji noticed her expression.

"Who was that, Misato? Is everything ok?" he asked.

"Everything's fine, Shinji. That was just Hikari calling to let me know that Asuka had gone over to stay with her for the next few days, although she couldn't give me any reason," she said, taking another swig from her beer. "All she said was Asuka had shown up late last night at her house crying, asking if she could stay there. Needless to say, I'm a little worried about her."

Misato was shaken from her thinking by the sound of Shinji's fork hitting the floor. Before she could ask him what was the matter, he was already at Asuka's door, knocking softly.

"Asuka, are you in there?" he asked, not wanting to believe she had gone. Not so soon. Not now, when he was making his best meal ever just for her. Not getting a reply, he slowly slid the door open and peeked in. The bed was empty, but not made. There were clothes all over the floor, as if she had scrambled to pack in a hurry. Shinji felt his heart sink as he realized what had happened. This was his fault. He told her he wanted her gone, and now she was. How would he be able to apologize to her now? He shut her door again before walking slowly back to his room, ignoring the smell of meat burning on the stove.

"What now..." he whispered to himself as he collapsed on his bed.

"What now..." Asuka whispered to herself, still wrapped up in blankets on the spare bed in Hikari's room. Her eyes were still red from crying all night, and she didn't sleep at all as memories of their confrontation haunted her. "What do I do now? I've made the only person in the whole world whom I truly care about hate me. He... he said he once loved me. How can I go to school, where I'll see him all day, knowing how he feels about me, how he once felt?" she sobbed, the tears threatening to return. "I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Morning, sleepyhead!" Hikari said cheerfully, returning from downstairs with some breakfast for her guest. Asuka shrunk back under the blankets. "Oh, come on now, get up. I've got some breakfast here for you. You've gotta eat something, or you'll become nothing but skin and bones. Then what would Shinji say?"

She heard Asuka's gasp when she mentioned Shinji's name, followed by the sound of soft crying.

Oh no, Hikari thought. Something must have happened between them. She had always known Asuka felt something for Shinji, but she didn't expect this reaction from the usually-fiery redhead. "Asuka," she said softly, "what's wrong? Did that baka Shinji do something to you?" Just the thought of Shinji making Asuka cry for whatever reason started making Hikari mad. "Oooo!" Hikari fumed, "Next time I see that stooge! He'll wish he never..."

"No," Asuka whispered, cutting off Hikari's plans for revenge. "It's not what Shinji's done, it's... it's what I... I've done. What I've done... to him." Unable to control herself any longer, Asuka broke down crying again into her pillow. "I was so horrible to him yesterday, Hikari, and now he... he hates me," she said in between sobs.

Hikari was taken aback by all this. "He hates you? You're sure?" she asked, surprised.

Asuka nodded under her blankets, still crying softly. "He... he said that he... that he never wanted to see me again. He said that I was already dead to him!" The last few words came out strangled, as she started crying harder than ever.

'Oh dear, this is bad,' Hikari thought. "Come on, Asuka," she said in a comforting tone, "I'm sure it can't be that bad. Why, I bet that he's at school right now wanting to apologize." He had better apologize, she thought to herself. Or else! "Now come on and eat your breakfast and get ready before we're late for school."

Asuka curled up even tighter under the blankets. "I... I can't, Hikari," she whispered. "I can't go to school today, not with him there. Please, Hikari, can I stay here today? Please?"

Hikari thought about it for a few seconds before giving in, "Ok, you can stay here. I'll come back at lunch time to see how you're doing, ok?" Asuka only nodded. I'm gonna find out just what Shinji did to make her cry like this, Hikari thought. He had better have a damn good explanation, and an even better apology! "I have to go to school now Asuka. Are you sure you're going to be ok?"

Asuka nodded. "Thanks, Hikari."

"No problem. I'll be back in a little while," Hikari said as she headed out to face a certain Eva pilot who had no idea what was in store for him.

Continued...

Author's Notes:

Well, here you go, my very first ever Eva Fic. Actually, it's my very first fic period. I know it's short, but that's all I had in me at the time. This is actually a remake of my first attempt, which got shot down as being an "Asuka Bash-a-Thon." While it was never intended as such, I can see where that impression would come from. It was my opinion that something drastic had to happen to Asuka to make her realize just what she's been doing to Shinji. This fic is tentatively set sometime after the 15th angel, which I hope might help explain why Asuka didn't react the way she might have usually. I just hope that this reworking of the fic will help bring my original intent into view, since the original couldn't. Stay tuned for Chapter 2, Survival.

Ja!