- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Traitorous Black's Hot Hotseat
Episode I: The Best Friend
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yes, yes, welcome to TB's HHS. Our guest for today is none other than Mister Popular, James Potter, who is at liberty to use several prestigious titles such as Head Boy, GQC, Marau—
GQC is the lazy way of saying Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. (turns to Traitorous Black) Stop using stupid acronyms. Not everyone knows about them, you idiot.
—der, top-notch prankster, and, of course, the long aspired for LE's BF.
Lily Evans's boyfriend.
Don't be cocky, Mister Potter. She's only your girlfriend because you blackmailed her into it.
That is not true.
Sure. Now on to the matter at hand: The Rumors, Mister Potter. Is it true that you blackmailed Miss Evans into snogging you, and being your girlfriend?
Sirius, you just made that up. There are no rumors.
Yes, there are. And please, call me TB—short for Traitorous Black.
Well, you're being an arsehead, TB. Besides, aren't you even going to introduce yourself and your stupid show first?
Introductions are monotonous and unnecessary, but if you insist… Hello, everyone, and welcome to Traitorous Black's Hot Hotseat, a brilliant, new talk show hosted by me, Traitorous Black: the Gryffindor who should have been a Slytherin, directed by me, and produced collectively by the infamous Marauders. Now that's over, back to business.
I'd just like to say that this show is not being produced or promoted by the Marauders in any way—other than Sirius Black of course. In fact, the other three Marauders highly discourage patronization of any kind for the daft show.
Mister Potter, you're in the daft show.
That's only because I was forced and blackmailed into being here.
Yeah, well you're still here, so stop being such a wanker and be cooperative, or I'll say something that you wouldn't appreciate.
(rolls eyes) Whatever.
Good. So Mister Potter, you've been dating Miss Evans for how long now?Going on five months. Without bribery, fraudulency, or extortion of any kind.
(chuckles) We'll see about that… So! Five months… and you've gone on how many dates?
…none.
None! Well, that's rather surprising, considering that you two are dating. Mister Potter, why call it dating if you've never even gone on a date?
We hang out, is what we do. And we'll have a date soon enough, so I suggest you put a sock in it, TB.
Right, right. Mind telling me and all our viewers (or readers, because after this first show, magazines we'll be begging to publish us) exactly how far you've gone with Miss Evans?
What… the hell?
Well…?If you honestly think I'm going to dignify that immoral question with an answer, then you are absolutely and completely off your trolley.
And that, my dear audience, says everything. He's gone as far as kissing and occasional nipping from her shoulders and up, but that's it. He's sore that he hasn't had any for a long-arse time—unlike me, Traitorous Black the Sex God.
Remus, please stop him before I do anything drastic.
Mister Remus Lupin: Siri—TB, do stop before Lily comes in and—
Miss Lily Evans: —does something violent?
Whoa-ho! Viewers (or readers), let us all welcome the beautiful Miss Lily Evans who just came into our dormitory under serious rule breaking. So Miss Evans, what do you have to say about all this?Well, Sirius—
It's TB.
Oh, right. Well, TB, maybe Mister Potter here has gone very, very far, and was just too noble and gracious that he dared not tell anyone about it for the sake of our privacy. He could have gone all the way, you know… several times.
Or maybe you're lying.
(nods) …Or maybe I'm lying.
Mister James Potter: Lily!
(laughs the Talk Show Host Laugh) So you two haven't shagged. But has there ever been a major jostling-slash-fondling episode—
Mister Remus Lupin: Sirius! We're rated PG-13!
So? We should be rated PG, Mister Lupin! Like 13-year-olds don't know anything about what I'm talking about. All the 13-year-olds in this school are bloody perverts. I bet they jerk off everyday—
JP, LE, and RL collectively: Sirius!
(laughs the TSH Laugh again) I was just messing around. Everyone keep their knickers on, please. Now my question is: what the hell are you two doing here anyway? This is a personal and intimate look into Mister Potter's life. I don't need other people in here, dammit!
Miss Lily Evans (to Mister Potter): I'll see you later then, Mister Potter.
Mister James Potter: Right after I kill this lunatic.
JP and LE: (kiss)
Okay, okay, that's enough. We're rated PG-13. You two can get in on somewhere else, not in my set!
Mister James Potter: (scowls) It was just a peck, Mister Blind and Exaggerating.
Yeah, well, it's not allowed. (turns to LE and RL) Go. Shoo. The show must go on. You'll get your turn some other time.
LE and RL: (leave)
Mister James Potter: (waves sadly at Miss Evans, the future Missus Potter, mother of Little Potter)
Okay, lover boy, back to where we left off.
…
Uhm, where did we leave off?
I don't know. Ask me another question.
Okay. Let's not talk about being Head Boy; that's boring. Okay… I've got it. So Mister Potter, being a GQC means unlimited access to the locker rooms, am I correct?
Yes.
Is it true then that the showers in there are the heavenly sanctuary of intense girl-on-girl action?
(stares)
Fine, fine… different question. God, you're such a party pooper. Just like your party pooper girlfriend.
Could we please not talk about Lily?
Why not?
Because you never say anything good, you berk.
Well, what the bloody hell do you propose we talk about then? You're only interesting because you're dating the undatable.
What? Lily is not undatable. Besides, there are a hundred aspects of my life that can be discussed without having to talk about my girlfriend.
Fine. So… what do your parents do, Mister Potter?
My dad's an auror, one of the finest, actually. He's been one for over 19 years now. In fact, he's the person who inspired me to aspire for a job at the Ministry as an auror, too. You know my dad, TB, he's the coolest. My mum, on the other hand, is a healer at St. Mungo's. She's Head of the medical unit that the Ministry runs to for any injuries during auror stakeouts, so her and my dad's jobs are somewhat linked together. It's rather neat.
Rather boring, too. So have your parent met Miss Evans? If so, what did they think about her? What did Miss Evans think about them? If not, then why? When will you take her to meet them? Are you ashamed of Miss Evans that you don't want elderly Mister and Missus Potter to meet her? Or maybe you're ashamed of them…
(closes eyes dramatically and massages temple)
(rolls eyes) Just answer the question, mate. We're almost out of time.
(sighs) Fine. If it makes you happy… No, my parents have yet to meet Lily. I have, however, talked about her endlessly through letters and they're thrilled. My mum, especially, can't wait until the first day out of school, which is supposedly the day she'd planned a special dinner for us—us meaning my parent, Lily, and I. You, TB, will have to beg some other family for food that day.
We'll see. You're charmed gates will have a very hard time keeping me away from my mummy's home cooking.
Your mummy?! MY mummy!
Well, unfortunately, we've no time left for being selfish. We only have half a minute left for credits so that's it for you, Ja—Mister Potter. Okay… credits, credits… Well, my dear viewers, we have nobody to credit. Other than me, of course, your wonderful host. So farewell then and we'll see you next time with our guest…
Moony. Just say Moony. You can coax him later.
…werewolf: Mister Remus Lupin. It's going to be a beastly interview. With special guest host, Mister… well, what d'you know, Mister James Potter!
What?! No!
Shut up. Right. That's it. We're off air.
Sirius, we we're never on air.
Shut up! You completely ruined the first episode. I'm never having you as guest again!
You just said I'm your special guest host for Moony's interview.
I didn't mean it.
Good. (starts to leave)
By the way, James, you're fired.
(shakes head) Get off the crazy pills, Sirius.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Viewer's Thoughts
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Miss Lily Evans
He better not be thinking of having me as a guest.
Mister Remus Lupin
James, mate, I apologize for having ever told you that you and Sirius are like the same person. Compared to him, you're definitely sane. And Pete, I apologize for ever leaving you alone with Sirius when I had to do rounds and James was out for Quidditch practice.
Mister Remus Lupin (again)
Another thing, Prongs, you should really rethink your schedule for Lily. Zero dates in five months is rather unusual and… really not very healthy.
Mister Peter Pettigrew
What great friends you guys are. How could you have started the show without me?
A/N This is quite odd. I was reading a magazine interview—specific line was "Ciudad lead vocalist Mickey Amisoto on being a geek, Vicky Belo, and staring at Kristine Hermosa"—when it popped into my head: "Temperamental Head Girl Lily Evans on being a redheaded prude, clothes, and the Head Boy". Figuring out who the interviewer was going to be didn't even require any thinking. It was like Sirius (or TB) had voluntarily presented himself to me in a platter, most likely in much less clothes than normal, saying something funny and incoherent.
Anyway, TB's HHS will have several follow-up episodes (I think), all of which will be posted as one-shots, because I don't want to have to think about not updating something and be guilty about it. Also, this way, I can update whenever the hell I want. Muahahahahaha…
I know I'm not very funny, please forgive and forget any unfunniness that you came or will come across with in this… whatever you'd like to call it. Please review so I know if I should bother with writing Episode II. And please do tell me that I should bother with Episode II. :-) Kidding… or not.
Also, as I've said on my livejournal (I don't think I said it in the A/N of Rather Sweet… actually, I'm not sure if Rather Sweet had an A/N at all), I am hoping that the pointless drabbles that I've been posting will pacify for the lateness of Infinite's last chapter (and Logic's 14th and Back Again's 9th), and make all Infinite readers forget, if only for a short while. So go ahead… FORGET. Also, forgive me. I swear I'm working on it, but I just hate it. It's my first ending ever for a multi-chapter fanfic and I want it to be good… or as good as I can make it, which isn't really very good, but I want to try. :-)
Again, I say, review!
PS: This is my longest A/N ever.