SEARCHING FOR A TRUE IDENTITY
CHAPTER ONE
BETA: I need one. Email me if you're interested….
INFO: www. live journal. com / users/ draycious
OTHER: Check out the story Don't deny what you know is true.
WARNINGS: Contains slash, male- male. A bit of swearing…
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Harry Potter was currently going through a stage that every teenager went through, even if it expressed itself in different ways. Harry was currently going through a major identity crises. He had now turned 16 and he had no clue of who he was or what he stood for. Well, of course he could clung to the saviour identity but that wasn't really him and what's more to it; he seemed to have outgrown it.
By losing Sirius he was painfully reminded that he had to pay and answer for his own mistakes and judgements. He couldn't put the blame on someone else like he had first tried. He realised that he had to answer for his own mistakes; he was the one to blame and he was the only one who could move on and make this better. If someone blamed him for one thing or another, so be it. He would either care and take care of it, or he would ignore it, whatever he choose; he'd do it without any regrets later on.
People in the society tended to blame him for everything when something went wrong. The Dursleys for example, blamed him whenever it came down to something they didn't understand, or if something got broken in the house or a business deal of Vernon's didn't work out, he was to blame. It had always been that way. Before he used to care and get angry when someone blamed him for something he hadn't done, like everyone would be. Lately however, he realised that feeling angry, upset and indignant all the time made him unfocused. Those were negative energies, and negative energies never did something good for anyone. So he had to get rid of them. It wasn't easy of course, and quite often he slipped up and got angry, but he tried and that's what mattered. Gradually his temper got more even, and he felt in balance with his mind and body. He felt stronger. This was what he needed in order to survive in a cold world with ignorant people.
He still had many problems, and a huge one of those was that he felt drawn to Slytherins. He loved the way they lived, and he embraced their lifestyle. It suited him even if he knew that whenever he had any contact with Slytherins, it often turned out bad for him. There had been a time… that no one knew off, when he had been living like the rightful Slytherin he was. But all that had changed… because something had happened and he needed to get away from his earlier destructive behaviour he had practised together with the Slytherins… and now… now, he felt drawn to all that again, and he didn't know what to do about it. Was he strong enough to withstand the temptation of shackling up with the Slytherins? No, he didn't think so.
Since Harry had many secrets regarding the Slytherins, he had to tread carefully in school and wherever he went. If his earlier connections to the Slytherins became known… well, let's just said he'd be in world of trouble. Especially with the Ministry. He didn't particularly care about the prejudges his school mates would have. They could go fuck themselves for all he cared. He'd like to think he was more mature than them.
He only had a few troubles with the Slytherins. A big one would be Snape of course. He couldn't stand the man. The feelings were obviously mutual, and Harry was happy to know where they stood. At least Snape never lied about how he felt. That was a small comfort in all the misery the man brought him. Further more, Draco Malfoy felt like an already used card. But what about the other Slytherins? If he himself could accept himself as a snake surely they could too? God knows there were plenty of Slytherins and people could change. He could prove himself to them, and he could get new friends, or acquaintances at the very least.
He truly needed to think things trhougha nd weight his options carefully. All that he did know and was sure of right now was that he couldn't stand another minute with the so called friends he had now. He needed a change of scenery.
While he hated it at the Dursley's, there was also a few good things that came by staying at their house. He wasn't thinking about the protection it provided, but rather of all the time alone he had. One of the benefits were that he didn't have anyone to tell him how to act, and what to think. Back at Hogwarts he was basically told when to eat, drink, shit and piss. He had no free will. He felt like a trained dog,a dn if he didn't do what he was told.. Well, then it must mean he was evil, right? Therefore he was very happy with his isolation this summer, which was rather the opposite from the last one when he had just about gone crazy over not being told anything. Whenever somebody wrote him this summer he wrote a short note back, replying that he was doing fine and that everything was dandy.
This summer had also taken some quite unexpected turns he would never had imagined. He had gotten his own credit card from Vernon, right out of the blue. He had been truly shocked, but perhaps not so much once he heard the reason why. Apparently the Dursley's didn't want any problems with angry wizards claiming that they didn't give him what he needed. They were scared of course, magic had always been a huge fear of theirs. Harry didn't protest of course. That card was his key to freedom, something he had never had before. Every two weeks it was automatically updated with 1000 pounds. Vernon had become a very wealthy man over the years, so Harry knew he could very much afford it. Over all he got along pretty good with his relatives this year. They kept out of each others way as much as possible so it all fit together.
Harry could buy his own cloths, eat out, and go to the cinema and do whatever he felt like because of his card and he made sure to take advantage over it. The card was just for the summer through, but it wasn't like he needed it at Hogwarts. It was utterly worthless in the wizarding world. Besides, he got his own money in Hogwarts, he didn't need any from the Dursley's.
Speaking of Hogwarts. Dumbledore had revealed that he'd hired Remus Lupin as DADA teacher again much to Professor Snape's discuss. After the fiasco with Umbridge the Ministry was ass-licking Dumbledore more than eve, Harry thought with disgust. That was that only reason why Albus was allowed to hire Remus again. Remus had of course left willingly last time, he wasn't fired but harry was sure there would have been trouble if he had stayed. The Ministry always put their noses where they didn't belong.
Hermione had written to him once she had found out what Remus was going to do. That's why he knew all this. She had told him that the only reason why Remus came back was because Remus wanted to be near him. Harry didn't believe in that through. It was probably just all in Hermione's imagination. He suspected the more correct reason would be that Remus was sent to spy on him, and make sure he didn't do anything stupid since he must be oh so depressed since Sirius died.
However, he became one happy Hogwarts student when he found out what else Dumbledore had done. To make Snape's life even more miserable, Dumbledore had forced him to brew dreamless sleep potions. Those were sent off to Harry throughout the summer. Snape probably wouldn't have minded, if only they weren't sent off to "Bloody Potter". Harry had spent many minutes quietly sniggering to himself when he had found out. What was even more funny was that he hardly needed those potions anyway.
Today began as just another ordinary day for Harry. As usual he wondered whether he'd be a punker or hardrocker today, or even a schoolboy?
It wasn't easy to choose from his wardrobe. He felt like a girl when he picked up various cloths and put them back down again. Since he had never done much shopping before he had to admit that he had gone over the top this summer. In retrospect he probably didn't need half of everything he had brought, but he enjoyed having options of what to wear for once. His wardrobe contained everything, from tuxedos to ripped and washed jeans!
He finally decided for an alternative mixed crossover look.
Translation:
He put on slightly loosely but still fit dark blue washed jeans, one black shirt with the arms pulled up and unbuttoned at the top and end and he had nothing else underneath. He choose black and dark green sneakers, contact lenses as well as one loosely tied black tie that eh carelessly threw around his neck. He picked up a simple but beautiful design of one silver bracelet to have around his right wrist, as well as one necklace made out of wood and one simple silver earring. He dressed casually but still proper and trendy, and he chose not to wear too many accessories. He hated it when he spotted a wealthy man who lived out of mummy and daddy's money. It truly put him out to see snobs and arrogant people out on the street. He could smell a IT- person a mile away, and he tended to avoid them.
He used some gel to make his hair look cool. He decided to smear it all over the place and comb it back like Draco Malfoy used to wear his hand, just for fun. It only took him a few seconds to hate the look and decide that he would never wear his hair like that again, even for fun! It was too much of an IT-person over it. He quickly got the gel washed out and he went over to the mirror once again. He observed himself critically for a while, until he decided to try something new yet again. This time he bowed his head and let his hair fall down towards the floor. He sprayed it and stood up again and shook his hair violently. Then he sprayed some more and he had now successfully created a rock-hair. His hair stood on one end (not that it usually didn't) but it somehow looked a bit more organised through the mess. He didn't look like one of those goddamn poodles you could see strutting around once in a while, instead he looked good. It didn't look like he had tried to hard to create something but his hair didn't look ignored either. It was perfect! It suited his face features, and he was happy he had managed to find a hairstyle that fitted him.
When he went downstairs to go outside Vernon spotted him and began some polite small talk, something Harry wouldn't have dreamed off hearing before.
"Decided for rock today?" Vernon said casually during breakfast when he stole a glance at him before going back to his newspaper.
"Yeah," Harry said and picked up a half grapefruit from a plate Pertunia had served earlier on, he supposed. "I first thought I'd mix two styles but it didn't work out so I decided for Rock today," he said just as casual as Vernon.
Things wasn't as tense between him and the family now days. Harry had assured them that he wouldn't use any magic unless they provoked him. He had also explained calmly that he had no control over the owls that came to the house. He wouldn't go as far as claim that he liked his family, or that they liked him because they didn't, but he would say that they could tolerate each other better now.
Since he didn't write much to anyone this summer, the letters from his friends became more and more rare. Only the letter from the order was regular and it came on a three-day basis. Harry didn't blame his friends for not writing much because he knew he had brought it over himself. Truth to be told he wanted it that way.
"What are you going to do today?" Petunia asked him as she gave Vernon a toast.
Harry sat down on the empty chair next to him, and poured himself a glass of lemon water. "I was thinking about going to London for a while, do some shopping you know. I'll take the buss there," he answered and drank some of the water.
"You can ride with me. I've got some business to take care of in London anyway," Vernon offered. Harry was pleasantly surprised and accepted the offer gratefully. He hadn't been looking forward to sitting on a warm buss filled with overweight and sweaty people.
"Thanks, I'd love to tag along," he told Vernon. "Where's Dudley at?" he added turned to Petunia. It had probably never happened that Dudley missed breakfast before. Petunia looked angry at once. She pressed her lips into a thin line but she didn't look angry with him for asking, thank god!
"Seems like our Dudders has gotten himself an hangover," she gritted out, clearly disapproving of it. Vernon wasn't looking too concerned about that fact.
"Well he's got to learn, doesn't he?" Harry dared to say, and Vernon nodded in agreement.
Petunia glared at Vernon for taking Harry's side but she didn't say anything.
"I am done, get your things and we'll go;" Vernon announced after a couple of minutes. Harry had already finished and nodded. He was off in a flash. He got to his room and grabbed his shoulder bag and credit card and then he was good to go. He was just about to step outside the door when he stopped himself.
He doubled back and hurriedly put on some make up he had bought for times like this, so it cover his scar. He usually didn't bother with it when he went to the local malls, but he considered it a bigger risk to go without it in London. Diagonally was too close there. Someone might recognize him, even if he had the odds on his side. He had matured when it came to his appearance this summer which made him look older than he was. He looked to be in his twenties, something. His face had changed and he had got rid of his father-copy look. He was now his own person and he was determined to show it too…