Title: Silent Suffering
Fanfiction Of: Tales of Symphonia
Author: Zelloss
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Tales of Symphonia doesn't belong to me. It and every single part of it belong to Koei and whoever else made the game. So sniff Genis isn't mine sniff sniff. You've been so informed! This is also AU – I very much doubt any of this could seriously happen in the game...
Warnings: Uh, like, Shonen-Ai (boy love) and heavy angst, so you might wanna watch it! There's also a bit of Shojo-Ai (suggested RaineXColette) near the end. Rated R for some of the touchy subject matter involved.
Summary: Genis was always small, strong-minded, and smart. He always knew what to do. What his physical strength lacked, his magical powers made up. But none of his strengths could help him to overcome his emotional confusion... GenisXLloyd
Spoilers: Not really – it's very early on in the game...

-- My Quiet Suffering --

"Hey, Colette? You still awake?"

The moment Genis had heard that, he had awoken. It was almost an instinct for him. He lay there, listening, as Lloyd stepped right past him, unaware that the boy or anyone else was awake, and walked towards the hill nearby.

Quietly, Genis rolled over, though he knew he shouldn't torture himself so. His lilac locks fell over his eyes, and he blew them out of his vision, so he could get a look.

He saw Lloyd approaching Colette, who was standing there. She had fainted after unsealing the Water Seal, and now everyone, like his big sister, was paying extra attention to her.

"Yeah... I couldn't sleep"

"Well, even if you feel good now, you should still get some rest" Lloyd stated, calmly.

"...Sorry. Alright, I'll get to sleep..."

"Okay. Good night, Colette" Lloyd smiled, as the angel girl walked away, towards their camp, falling asleep in her corner.

Soft wind blew, picking up Lloyd's hair, as he stood there, continuing his duty on watch. Genis simply watched him, half-sleepily, but intently. Lloyd seemed to just be staring out towards the moon, standing blankly, his twin sheaths hanging off his loose red armour at his belt, his legs slightly spread.

Genis' mind slowly slipped out of focus, from the present to the past, remembering things Lloyd had done...

"...I don't understand this at all..."

"...Hey, Genis? Can you help me with this?"

"Shut up, Genis!"

The last thought of his voice came with the memories of a stinging skull. How many times had Lloyd and Raine hit him? They were being playful, nice, trying to improve him. Genis knew that.

...When Raine hit him, it didn't matter. She was his older sister, and they had always been like that. Genis was always envious of his older sister – she was smarter, more talented, had the looks, the age... she had nearly everything Genis could want. He knew she was his superior, and for that, he allowed to her to hit him. Besides, she didn't hit that hard.

But with Lloyd, it was always a different story. His whole body hurt when Lloyd hit him, but it wasn't just because Lloyd was so much physically stronger than him. Lloyd wasn't being playful, he never considered Genis to be much more than a smart-ass and a half-decent spellcaster. That was why Genis was along. He was Lloyd's underling, who just needed to be disciplined when he spoke up.

...The thoughts hurt Genis more than anything, because it was what he believed to be the truth. What he knew to be the truth. Genis had tried to stop Lloyd from doing stupid things a lot, he had tried so hard... but Lloyd would simply smack him a good one and Genis would be forced to shut up and follow along like a good little pet.

...That hurt so much, because Genis looked up to Lloyd. No, Genis did more than that.

He loved Lloyd, despite all the punishment, the rejection, the rudeness that Lloyd was showing him.

And he hated himself for being in love with Lloyd. He couldn't tell Lloyd – the boy was after Colette, Lloyd would never even think about poor little Genis, who was at least three or four years younger than Lloyd! Genis hated himself for loving Lloyd, putting up with all the punishment without ever complaining to Lloyd...

"...I hate it all..." Genis muttered, softly, curling up on the grass, slightly on his way to sobbing, before he felt a hand on his shoulder.

Lloyd's hand. Genis forced his eyes to shut tight, resisting the opportunity to look up at the one he hated to love.

Hope rose in him, though. Was Lloyd up to something? Why would he bother Genis... had heard him? Did Lloyd need to tell him something...?

Then that disillusion was erased quickly as Lloyd spoke.

"Hey, Genis. Wake up. It's your turn on watch"

Genis cursed mentally. He had barely slept at all, and now he was gonna be up for even more hours... what a pain in the ass. And worse yet, he had allowed his hopes to get up, and then even if they had only been there for a moment, they were shattered and were raining right back down on him.

"...Ungh..." Genis muttered a guttural noise as he slowly got up, pretending to be awakening from a deep sleep. "Fine... fine, Lloyd..."

"I'm gonna catch some Zs... night" Lloyd waved, before retreating to a secluded corner of the small area, a distance from the firelight, and flopping down.

Genis decided quickly to go for a walk, as tempted as he was to watch Lloyd sleep. He knew better than that. It'd only stir up troublesome thoughts, and then those would have to be broken too...

He hated the cycle. Hated it with a passion. What was the point, anyway? Ever since he had met Lloyd, he had been taken with the older boy. It was rough. He knew he had to stop those thoughts, so he had begun to study everything and anything, whatever he could get his hands on, in order to find some distraction from Lloyd, to forget about him for even a moment... and it had worked. He rarely saw Lloyd except for in school (he never allowed himself the luxury/torture of meeting with Lloyd outside of that time) and the rest of his time was taken up.

But now that they were journeying like this... he saw Lloyd constantly. They were travelling together, fighting together, eating together, and because of the rules his sister had put in about having two rooms, he was forced to sleep in the same room – sometimes even in the same bed – as his darling Lloyd. And he couldn't do a thing about it, he couldn't study at all because they were on this stupid journey...

Genis felt a rush of cool air suddenly, and stopped his pacing.

How far had he gone? He had travelled so far, lost in his memories and thoughts, that he could hear the sounds of the sea, crashing against the rocks below the cliff he was now standing upon. Nervously, he looked down.

The walls were steep, perfectly vertical, and Genis remembered reading about places such as these. Steep cliffs... what were they called? Many places in the world had them, but supposedly the top layer of soil was very unstable, since it had so little supporting it. In fact, a whole section of land such as this could cave at any given moment.

Genis was hit by a surge of vertigo, and wobbled on the spot. Quickly, he retreated before the feeling got so strong he was afraid he would get sick, slip up, then fall...

And falls like that, he figured, would be fatal.

There was something relaxing and soothing about the sound of the waves slapping against the stone, and he found himself sitting down. He wondered idly if he shouldn't return, but the fact was, it was too dark. He had no clue which direction he had come from anymore, and how far he had travelled – he could be only minutes away, or... no, he couldn't be minutes away, he reasoned, or else they would have heard the sounds from where they were.

He must have travelled quite some distance. That left the other party members – his sister and his love among them – without a guard.

However, he felt almost too depressed to care. Being alone like this... he did truly feel alone, there wasn't anything within sight of him, among these barren hills. It made him feel so sad.

Reminding him of everything bad that had happened to him...

He curled up, whimpering softly, forgetting that he was out in the wilderness, forgetting the beasts and bandits that roamed the land, forgetting that the Desians could be trying to hunt them all down right now...

But what he really wanted to forget – his feelings for Lloyd – he found he couldn't.

"...I hate my life..." Genis muttered, slowly, his mind turning darker and darker. What was the point of going on? To Colette, sure, he was a good kid, but she never spoke to him much at all. The red-headed mercenary didn't seem to care much about anybody, forget Genis! And Raine and Lloyd both seemingly hated him...

Slowly, he stood up, stepping towards the cliff, standing there, toes on the edge, wondering if he should just let himself fall forward. He knew that the moment that he decided he would, there wouldn't be any stopping himself, gravity would pull him at such a rate that he'd be unable to turn back. And he was so young that the injuries and blood loss he'd suffer from the wounds in the rocks below would kill him, if he didn't get his skull and brain split open upon impact, get his heart pierced...

Something in his mind was stopping him from doing it, though. Something was tugging him back, and he knew what it was. Hope. Hope that maybe someday Lloyd would truly respect him and care for him the way that Genis wanted him to. Hope that maybe someday he could surpass his sister and have the right to hit someone instead of taking the blows.

And yet he hated hope. He hated it and hoped he could just lose it, because those false hopes kept getting shattered.

Still, that hope was too strong, and he knew that maybe he wasn't quite ready for this. He had his whole life in front of him, he knew it, there'd be another... wouldn't there? A chance for Genis to fall in love with someone else, to feel normal and loved and have children, perhaps...

...I can't do this, he told himself. I still have way too much to live for, I'm too young... he stepped back from the edge, turning around.

To be staring face to face with the dark silhouette of a beast, looming dangerously over him, snarling something unholy. Whatever the hell it was, it was at least three times Genis' height, and it was hungry.

Nervously and on reflex, Genis stepped backwards, feeling with his heel that he was on the edge. Well, even if he didn't want to, he realised that there was nothing he himself could do in time. The beast was already extending one massive arm backwards to mutilate Genis – it was either be torn apart and knocked down, or go of his own free will.

Or fight back. Genis reached for his weapon, the odd armament he carried with him and that Lloyd had often called a 'toy' (Gods he hated that! This was no toy!). Removing it from his belt with all due haste, he moved it backwards, and then swung it hard, trying it hit the beast's head.

It connected, before the beast finished the swing, and the beast's massive claws just barely missed Genis' body. They didn't miss his clothing/armour, though, and they went straight through, unevenly, cutting a near-diagonal gash in his armour, and said armour fell off at his sides, revealing his young gut underneath.

What kind of creature is it, if its claws are that sharp? Genis wondered, but he didn't have much time to study the beast. It was kill or be killed.

Genis whirled around, swinging the mace part as well as he could, driving it across the beast's chest area, receiving to his gratification a holler from the beast, as it leaned back, and then lifted one massive paw again to swipe at Genis.

Genis jumped, knowing that this time he didn't have the momentum to counterattack. Even though he had been pushing the beast forwards the whole time, away from the cliff, one bash from the claws of the beast sent him flying. Sharp, long claws had sliced open the sides of his armour and even a bit of his pants, causing them to become tattered, most of his upper clothing flying off, nothing holding it on anymore.

Blindly, he gripped for the edge, barely catching it as he flew past the edge of the cliff. It was hard to hold on – the cliff face was too flawless to be real, it seemed, it offered no purchase for his feet. His hands were barely holding onto the grass above him, already his arms were straining, his whole body was wracked with pain from cuts in his sides. He could hear faint splashes in the water below, which were almost covered by the sounds of the tide. The sounds of pieces of his armour splashing into the water.

Genis knew he himself might quickly be joining them.

Hopelessly, Genis looked up towards the beast above him, as it stood looming over the cliff.

Then it flew off the cliff, a howl coming from deep within it, as it was driven off the edge, flipped right off, and it flew down behind Genis. Genis braced himself, and the monster lashed out one final time, in an attempt to grab some purchase, and sliced down the back of Genis' leg, tearing the muscles and tendons. Genis screamed as loud as he could, his eyes closing and one of his hands slipping from the sheer pain of it all. He tried desperately to hold on, as he heard a powerful splash and holler from below him as the monster was wounded severely.

"Genis! Genis!!!"

Genis heard the voice. It was Lloyd. Had he been the one to attack the monster? It didn't matter, Genis realised quickly. The strain of his entire body weight on just a couple of his fingers was becoming too much. He thought he heard footsteps running towards him, but Lloyd wouldn't get there in time, Genis knew. He felt his fingers slip, felt the effects of gravity really begin to kick in.

Well... this is it then he thought to himself, preparing to feel the impact against the water, but it never came.

Instead, he felt a strong hand grab onto his own wrist. He opened his eyes and looked up.

There was Lloyd, a strain on his face, halfway over the edge of the cliff, holding onto Genis' wrist with every muscle in his body.

"Lloyd!" Genis cried out, his emotions mixed on the matter. Most of him wanted to be so happy, that he was going to survive, because Lloyd was here... and Lloyd must have followed him... why? Was it possible Lloyd felt strong about Genis?

But the realistic part of him was pissed. Lloyd just had to keep torturing him! If Genis had've fallen or at the very least not been rescued, he could be dead by now! He wouldn't have to deal with such false hopes...

Genis almost wanted to let go, but the fact was he didn't have the choice. Lloyd was holding onto him, but it wasn't the other way around. Once again, he was completely at Lloyd's mercy.

"Genis, reach up here, I'm gonna pull you up" Lloyd commanded, and Genis followed, lifting his other arm.

It took a couple painful minutes, but finally, with a final, strong tug, Lloyd pulled up the lilac-haired boy, and was surprised when he got a good look at Genis. The boy's clothing was torn, parts of the armour were missing and nowhere to be seen... he was practically half-naked like that, and he was whimpering softly, his whole body bleeding.

It only half-surprised Lloyd when Genis jumped onto him, embracing him. "Lloyd... thank god... I was so scared... I was... I almost... oh Lloyd..."

Lloyd, trying to be friendly, returned the embrace, patting Genis lightly on the back. "There, there... Genis... it' s okay..."

"..." Genis didn't say anything else, instead, he thought of how warm he felt in Lloyd's arms. He knew that with all his wounds, he was going to die shortly anyway... even his sister probably didn't yet have the power to heal such wounds. If this was how he was to go... he already had accepted his fate. But like this... he would be happy to go...

"Here..." Lloyd pulled one arm off of Genis, thinking Genis seemed to whimper slightly louder at that (but it's just my imagination, he told himself), as he pulled a small bottle of Life Potion from his pocket.

"...I... Lloyd..." Genis almost was tempted to refuse it. But something about Lloyd was commanding, as usual, and he felt the strength and demand within Lloyd's request, so he gave in, grabbing the bottle and taking a swig, downing it.

He could feel the pain begin to ebb, feel his wounds already begin to heal. Damn those potions, Genis thought. They couldn't let somebody live in peace...

"...There, see?" Lloyd smiled. "All better."

Genis hated Lloyd, once again, for saying that. "Stop treating me like a kid, Lloyd" he growled, under his breath.

The problem was, he was close enough that Lloyd heard.

"...Genis? Is something wrong?"

"Everything's wrong, Lloyd" Genis sighed, the tears coming in his eyes, and he sobbed into Lloyd's red-clothed shoulder.

"...Genis... what's wrong? Tell me" Lloyd said.

Genis bit down on the fabric, then on his own lip, trying to force himself not to say anything. If he did... if he spoke any word now, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop, he knew he'd spill everything to Lloyd. And then what would he do? Lloyd would never accept it. Never even remotely. Genis would be heartbroken...

And then he wouldn't let Lloyd catch him. He'd go right off the edge and die, that's what he'd do, and he'd be happy to do it. Because then there wouldn't be anything still holding him to this world.

"Genis! Please..." Lloyd ran a hand softly through the smaller boy's hair. "I want to help you, Genis, but I can't, if you don't tell me anything..."

Genis forced himself not to speak. He knew that it would lead to his death. And he didn't want to, but... he knew that he could be irrational at times. Now his emotions were in charge, all it would take would be the slightest break in them...

"Genis..." Lloyd held the boy closer to him, as Genis continued to sob hopelessly. "Please... please, talk to me..."

"Lloyd..." Genis breathed out, and then he realised that was it. He had opened his mouth. Suddenly, everything came out. He pulled back from his love, stared him in the eye, and spoke.

"Lloyd... I wish you could understand... but you can't... because you don't feel the same way, I know you don't!"

"...Genis? What are you trying to say?" Lloyd asked, annoying Genis somewhat. Genis knew the boy was an idiot.

"Lloyd... I love you!"

Lloyd froze, all movement stopping. Lloyd even seemed to stop breathing. Genis' heart shattered.

I knew it. He never even thought about it. All this time I've been hoping maybe he's loved me, and he doesn't...

Genis pushed away from Lloyd, stepping blindly backwards, unafraid now of going off the edge that was only a short distance behind him – exactly how far he wasn't sure, but it couldn't be far...

"...And I knew it! That you couldn't even love me back..." Genis whispered, taking another step back. He wasn't sure of when he would go off the edge, but he wasn't scared to do it anymore. Any step now, he'd be off the edge.

"Genis... I never..."

"Like I said... you'd never love me... Lloyd..." Genis took another step backwards, and he felt the cool wind against his back, the same one that had startled him out of his thoughts and alerted him from walking off the edge the last time. This was it. One more step backwards...

"Genis, don't you dare!"

"...Why shouldn't I, Lloyd?" Genis asked, tearfully. "...I'm sorry, Lloyd, but... I've got no place here with any of you..."

Genis stepped back, and felt the warm air rising underneath his foot, escaping from the sea. This was it.

"Genis, don't!"

Suddenly, with speed Genis didn't know that Lloyd had, the older boy had got up and lunged for Genis, catching him by the wrist, as Genis started to let himself fall backwards.

"Damnit, Lloyd!" Genis shout, pushing out with his feet and flying off the edge, still caught in Lloyd's firm grip. His body flapped out a bit, before slamming into the harsh wall.

"Genis, what are you trying to prove!?" Lloyd shouted.

"I don't belong here! Not even my own sister treats me with any respect, I'm no good to any of you! Damnit, Lloyd, just let me go in peace!"

Lloyd seemed to freeze. "Why would you want to die? I don't understand"

"Because you'll never care for me the same way I care for you, Lloyd! All of you four, you've got everything you could want, you have strength, wisdom... courage... things I'll never be able to have! I don't deserve to be with you, and I can't stand knowing that you don't love me back, Lloyd! I hate you even more for keeping me from being able to do this, please, just let me go!" Genis shouted, his voice choked, as he tried to struggle away.

Lloyd refused to let go, though he was silent for a moment, mentally fighting with himself. On one hand, Genis wanted it... Genis wanted to die, and he had made it so clear to Lloyd...

But there was still the part that considered Genis a close, close friend... the part that would feel so much guilt if he ever let Genis go... the part that would never allow him to forgive himself, the part that told him Raine would be in tears, the part that told him that he could never look at himself in the mirror again...

The part that told him he would only follow Genis, if he did.

"...No, I won't let go" Lloyd shouted down. "Genis, I couldn't live with myself if I let you go!"

"You don't care for me, why should it matter to you?" Genis demanded, sharply.

"Genis, you're wrong! I do care about you! A lot! Please, don't do something stupid like this!"

Genis stopped struggling, as he listened to Lloyd's desperate pleas.

"Genis, what am I gonna tell everyone if you die? Am I gonna tell them that I just let you go because you asked to die on some stupid whim? What is your sister gonna think of me? Colette, hell, everyone in the world, will hate me. I'll hate me, Genis, if I let you go. 'Cause I love you too, Genis."

Genis seemed to freeze. In that instant, without Genis struggling anymore, Lloyd grabbed onto Genis' wrist with his other hand as well and hauled Genis up.

"...Lloyd..." Genis looked at him, blinded with tears. But they were no longer completely tears of sadness and hatred. "What did... you just say?"

"I said I could never live with myself if I let you go, 'cause I love you too, Genis" Lloyd answered, embracing the young violet-eyed boy.

Genis gasped, as Lloyd pulled him tightly close to him, dragging him away from the cliff edge.

"...Lloyd..." Genis gasped, as he looked up towards Lloyd, and the brunette put a small kiss on the young mage's forehead.

"...I'm sorry, Genis... I couldn't believe it when you said... you loved me too..."

"But... what about Colette?" Genis muttered out, his old tears being replaced by new tears, of pure joy and happiness, though he was still confused.

"...You know I don't really care for her, Genis... she's the chosen and all, but that's the only reason why she's interesting. Otherwise, she's just a shy little weakling..."

"Then why me? I'm no different from her..."

"You're much stronger than she is, Genis" Lloyd whispered softly. "Your strength comes not from some stupid angel heritage but from your own hard work... you're smarter than I could ever be in a million years, and you have the courage to fight even when it's just you by yourself... Genis, I don't see why you think so low of yourself..."

"...Oh Lloyd..." Genis choked out, and Lloyd grabbed onto the boy's chin, lifting it up to plant a kiss on the boy's lips.

The two seemed to disappear into the moment, losing themselves in their first true ?"

"...I can't believe... and here I was thinking he might be in love with me..." Colette sighed, watching the two from a distance. Genis' older sister and her hired mercenary were with her.

"I'm gonna hurt Genis bad for this! Running off and leaving us unguarded while we slept! We could've been killed!" Raine complained. "And for what? This?"

"...Raine, forgive him. Look at him. He's had a rough time, don't you think he deserves something?"

"...Yes, Colette. I'm sorry" Raine sighed, as Colette wrapped an arm around her.

"No, I'm sorry. You're still learning."

"Don't act like you're my teacher, Colette" Raine muttered. "You know I'm the teacher around here..."

"...Sorry, but it's true... you do still have a lot to learn..." Colette giggled.

Behind them, there was a rough male sigh, and somebody wandered off, muttering something along the lines of "this is getting stupid"
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A/N: Like, if you've got this far, please leave a review and tell me what you thought! Keep in mind obvious flames are gonna be doused with Genis' Spread spell, so just forget about doing that. And if you want me to continue, I'd be quite happy to! .