People who know my fics are probably wondering why I'm starting yet another new story instead of finishing my old one. Well..it's cuz the mood has struck me and...eh heh.

Hey Gentlewatersoul, if you happen to stumble upon this fic of mine, I just wanna say "gomen" for not updating Gambare Shikamaru. I haven't been in the mood for that fic. Yurushite ne?

This might be a one shot it might not and it's written in a way very different from my usual style.


Ch. 1 Grotesque Parody Of Romantic Comedy

(Shikamaru's POV)

Have you ever had one of those 'brain-disconnected-from-body' kinds of moment? It's only occurred to me once in my short lifetime, thus far at least—but once is enough to have me living in mortal fear that my body would operate on its own once again, by sidestepping the crucial checkpoint that is my mind. No one wants to seem like a fool, so imagine how a so-called "genius" would feel about running down the street in a fit of madness. Exactly twenty-four months, five days, seven hours, two minutes, and seventeen seconds ago, I had a conversation that would endure to this day in the realm of my nightmares.

The day the embarrassment occurred, its date made unforgettable by the humiliation that forever highlighted a specific bracket on my mental calendar, started out normal enough surprisingly. But days when disaster is fated to take place rarely has the stereotypical foreshadowing of cloudy skies and treacherous rain. I don't know who's bright idea it was to decide that it was the job of nature to reflect the misfortune of man with the proper signs of forewarning, but it certainly isn't so in real life—no matter how many times writers make it so in their literature.

On that peaceful day of floating blossoms being carried off by gentle winds, I was only a boy at the tender age of sixteen who was enjoying his youth by sleeping it away under the shades of an oak tree. I had thought the spot I chose was far enough from the city for some quiet tranquility, and deep enough in the green fields to make searching for me take real effort, but I should've remembered that Ino has the uncanny ability to find me no matter where I'm hiding—that's why I never liked playing hide-and-seek with her as a kid. She ALWAYS found my hiding spots and effectively kept me from my naps. That habit of hers hasn't changed since childhood because to this day, she thwarts almost all my attempts to snooze but that's an entirely different story.

So going back to the memories of that day, I was lying on my back from my place beneath a leafy oak tree with my arms folded behind my head like a pillow. My eyes were barely opened as I enjoyed the performance of the dancing beams of light that broke through the thick mass of leaves like the twinkling of burning stars. All was well when suddenly, a person dropped down from the branches above—her blond hair rippled in the air as she fell, like waves of sunshine and those shiny reflective paper that people stick on their bikes. Deceptively, she had the appearance of a gentle angel, one that tripped on her white robes and fell through the clouds of heaven down to the plain earth where the mortals dwell, but I knew better than to let what my eyes see overrule years of experience that came from dealing with this so-called angel.

Immediately, I shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep in hopes that she would see I was unconscious and leave me alone—but Ino wasn't the type courteous enough to leave resting people in peace. If she was awake and energetic, gods forbid anyone else get a little shuteye.

Still lying there, I remained limp when I felt her hands grab the front of my jacket, and ignored it when her slender fingers dug into the flesh of my chest as her grip tightened on the cloth. She shook me like a doll, and so like a doll, I placidly let her swing me to-and-fro and up-and-down as she tried to wake me. I wasn't in the mood to give up immediately, so I scrunched my eyelids together even tighter and pathetically tried to continue my farce. Then Ino slapped me a few times, leaving my face burning with the afterglow of her 'tender caresses'. Isn't she just the sweetest and most feminine girl there is? If you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. So anyways, after remaining complacent for about ten minutes of physical torture, I finally opened my eyes and gave her a glare that she barely noticed. I had opened my mouth to grumble at her but she beat me by delivering her message first.

"I'm marrying Sasuke-kun tomorrow!" She told me while fidgeting with barely contained glee.

Oh yes, I know what you're thinking because it was what I was thinking—Like that would ever happen. Maybe when pigs fly, when Naruto starts to hate ramen, and when Uchiha's perfect complexion breaks into a pimply rash. I snorted at her and closed my eyes again.

Ino loitered near me for a while but since she had already delivered her message, she had no reason to stay long. My stillness must have bored her because she nudged me a few times with her feet then left when I didn't move. Hearing the sounds of her footstep move further and further away before finally disappearing, I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally freed from her overbearing company, I thankfully allowed myself to fall asleep.

I paid no more attention to her declaration until the next day when I noticed that a strange mood had come over the Konoha citizens of my generation. Whispering and giggling, girls chatted amongst themselves in the streets and I managed to catch a few fleeting words of "temple", "Sasuke-kun", and the word that horrified me because of the other words that it was paired with, "Ino". Forgetting myself, I ran to the group of girls and grabbed one of them. She gave me the dirtiest look but I was used to dirty looks from girls, and sometimes from boys too.

"What's this about Ino and Sasuke that you're talking about?" I asked anxiously.

Upon hearing the names, the girls forgot to glare at me like I was a rotting bug and dissolved into giggles again. I sent glares to each of the girls because their annoying sounds of high-pitched chortling were starting to give me a headache. Already forgetting my presence, the girls started to chat with each other again.

"Isn't Sasuke-kun so handsome in his black wedding kimono? Ino is soooo lucky!" One girl squealed to another.

"Oh yes!" That girl gushed right back, "But did you see Ino's outfit? Oh my god she looked like a princess! Now I know why they picked her. I'm sooo envious! I wish I could go watch them and take some pictures."

My heart was starting to jump irregularly and my head whipped back and forth from the two girls with a look of bewilderment. "Where's Ino?!" I demanded to know, and wondered when the hell the girls were going to pay some damn attention to me.

A short girl whose other features I forgot scowled at me and told me that I didn't need to know because I wasn't welcomed there anyways. Like hell I'm not. I knew it was my job to save Ino from the biggest mistake of her life.

"Tell me!" I yelled at the group again and they started to look at me wearily. I think they were starting to see that I was serious by my expression. Oh, and I also had the shadow beneath my feet trembling and stretching in a threatening manner if you care to know.

One of the girls tilted up her chin and looked down at me even though she was shorter. In a tense voice that burned like acid, she told me in the rudest possible way, I won't elaborate what she said, that Ino and Sasuke were at Hachiyou no Tera. I could've slapped myself when I heard the answer. Where else would a girl who probably stereotypically dreamed of a large wedding be? I immediately ran down the street, heading towards the temple as fast as I could.

As I tore down the path, knocking unfortunate people out of my way, I swore loudly in fury. I couldn't believe how Ino was so stupid to believe in Sasuke's false promises. He wasn't worthy of her and I knew being with him would only bring her unhappiness. Besides, she was only sixteen! She was too young for marriage! Well, technically she was legal, but didn't the guy have to be at least eighteen?! Anyways, I'm getting off topic.

So I'm running like evil sand-nins were nipping at my heels—working my legs, which were unfamiliar to any pace other than that of a lazy stroll, into lean-mean-running-machines, when the temple finally came into view. With the wooden doors gaping wide open, Ino who was standing in the center of the temple was perfectly aligned with the gateway for my unobstructed viewing pleasure. Clothed in blindingly white, ironed fabric—starched to flat perfection and arranged in a way for maximum aesthetic appeal, I thought Ino looked like a giant white tent. It was a sight I never wanted to see again unless she was standing next to ME when she is dressed like that.

The pumping of my legs slowed into a bobbing jog as I approached the largest, most luxurious temple of Konoha—then finally, my speed became a sluggish crawl of faltering footsteps. Ino was.....if you tell anyone I'll make sure no one finds your parts.....Ino was so pretty. I was completely distracted by the hint of blond hair beneath the white hood that rested over her head when Sasuke ruined the stunning image by stepping into view next to Ino.

That must have been the exact moment when my brain was usurped by reflex and my body became autonomous. I knew I was yelling something as I charged into the temple but at the moment, I couldn't hear what was coming out of my own mouth. I was blind to the world and the only thing I could see was Sasuke's paws clasped over Ino's small hands.

When Ino saw me, she gasped and backed away as if I was the one she should be suspicious of. I imagine I must've looked like a wild man with the way I was acting. Marching up to her, I was lecturing her so heatedly that foamy bits of spittle was flying from my mouth. I bellowed at her for agreeing to be Sasuke's baby-machine because that was all he was using her for. I declared that Uchiha had no feelings for anyone and he only wanted someone to help him re-populate his clan. As I advanced towards Ino who was frozen in what I guessed was shock, I felt hands grab onto me and I fought them off. Swinging my arms wildly, I felt my fists connect with solid punches against faces I didn't see.

Sasuke flicked a disgusted look at me with his dark eyes but otherwise looked composed. Seeing how he was acting like the 'happy occasion' didn't directly involve him only served to fan the flames of my wrath. Running to him, I was fully prepared to mar his pretty-boy face for daring to risk Ino's happiness when I was jarred out of my fit of rage with a resounding slap that sent me careening to my side. Feeling my face swelling into a red patch that will eventually darken into a large, dark bruise, I looked up to see Ino with her arm still raised.

"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing. ?" Ino asked me quietly with her voice trembling in cold rage.

I opened my mouth in readiness to tell her that Sasuke was a mistake, that she needed a man who would cherish her, a man with infinite patience for her antics, a man like me, when I noticed for the first time, the strange lighting in the temple. The room was glowing with an unnatural illumination—too bright to be from the windows and too white to be from the ceiling lamps. Suddenly, I realized that I saw blinking flashes and heard the whirring of machines along with the sounds of strange clicking which prompted me to look around.

Lined all around the walls of the temple were various equipments and shadowy images of people who were obscured by the round spots of white lights that came from professional photography lamps. Unsteadily, I rose to my feet and felt a shattering crunch under my shoes. I looked down to see the broken remains of a camera and looked up to see the bruised and bleeding face of the man who probably owned the camera.

Sorry Mr. Photographer-man, I didn't mean to beat you up during my rampage.

Sheepishly, I shrugged at Ino whose face was a deformed mask that showed her murderous intent plainly. I wasn't completely sure what was going on yet but I was beginning to get an idea. Before I could even begin to apologize, Ino grabbed the fabric of her dress and hiked it up to a level that revealed her thighs. Even with doom lurking overhead, I couldn't help but ogle her firm legs before she proceeded to kick the brains out of me. Ten minutes later, her legs tired so she switched to punching. For a girl with tiny stick arms, she made me feel like someone was ramming a bat into my guts over and over again.

Anyways, lucky for me, she lost interest in beating my half-dead carcass after about fifteen minutes, even though it felt more like an hour to me, and ended up helping me up from the ground. She then proceeded to explain to me in detail on how I had ruined her mission. Apparently, some sort of world-renowned fashion designer was creating a new line of wedding dresses and hired Konoha ninjas as models to promote the brand. Naturally, Tsunade-sama picked the most beautiful girl and the....ahem.... "best looking guy" in Konoha to fulfill the client's wish.

Feeling rather mortified, I cautiously looked around to survey my situation and saw nasty glares from the photographers, and those guys who were in charge of filming the false wedding ceremony. They were all pissed off—especially the ones injured from their attempt to prevent me from ruining their ideal shot. My idiocy had destroyed rolls of film and wasted more En than I can count. Oops.

Since I'm dead broke and couldn't possibly pay them for the damages incurred by yours truly, Tsunade ended up making Ino and Sasuke do the work for the client pro bono. I can understand why Ino would be furious about not getting paid but I don't know why Sasuke was all bent out of shape. As the sole survivor of the famous Uchiha clan, the riches of all his family goes to him, therefore I think he was just being greedy.

Oh by the way, the designer WAS 'kind' enough to leave Ino and I a copy of the filmed debacle on tape. I had immediately tried to destroy the visual evidence of my display of uncharacteristic illogicalness but Ino and mom were faster. Ino ran home with her copy of the tape and to this day, I haven't managed to get my hands on it. As for my mom, well, mom plays the tape at every major occasion—birthdays, New Years, Valentines, and whenever she's in the mood or if guests were visiting. I tried to destroy that copy too but you would never believe the number of traps my mom puts around the shelf.

I'm such a fool. I'll never let my feelings rule me again. No. Never. That's why I'm not going to help Ino harvest the flowers in the fields today. It's HER job so why should I? Stupid troublesome woman... I don't care how many times she's begged me, she's the Yamanaka not me. It's not like I owed her since she's never helped me herd my family's deer. I don't care that she's complaining that the work is hard...mendokusee....or if she's in pain because she's on her period..yakkai na koto...or that she might have to work from dawn to dusk because she procrastinated her work until today. That's her business. It's not like I'm her personal slave. I'm my own man.

#####

Still rationalizing all the reasons why it was unnecessary for him to go to Ino's aid, Shikamaru picked up a pair of gardening shears, a bucket, then headed out to the fields owned by the Yamanakas.

Owari ??? (I don't know. This might be my first one shot...or maybe it's not...We'll see)


Hachiyou no Tera: eight leaf temple

En: yen

Yakkai na koto: troublesome thing

To tell the truth, I didn't intend this to be a one shot because I had other plans for this fic. But then again, I've never written a one-shot before...so this could be my first. I guess it depends on the popularity. If people like it I might continue.