Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.
---
- Washington Dulles International Airport, a cafeteria
Rear Admiral Upper Half AJ Chegwidden, retired, looked once more at the plane ticket in his hands and heaved a sigh before he could stop himself.
Of course it had been absolutely unnecessary to drive out here in person and buy the ticket. Of course he could have bought it in a travel agency or over the phone or - if he knew how and had somehow got past his antipathy to computers - via internet. Thinking straight driving out here had been a waste of time.
Unfortunately time was the problem. Two days since his Dining out and he was already bored to death. No matter how right his decision had been, no matter what plans he had made ... he had always been kind of a workaholic, always jumpy during his vacations. It had led to some rather strange incidents over the years including phone calls to the Acting JAG if STILL no crisis had occurred.
His job had been his life as he had to admit now. Now that he had retired to a lonely house where still everything reminded him of the woman he had had all intentions to marry this year. Meredith wasn't aware how deep the wound was she had inflicted. What chain of events she had set in motion by breaking his self-confidence like this - yes, breaking, he couldn't deny it any longer. Heck, he couldn't even stand the sight of the dog, always remembering the day she had eaten the cake with his ring in it, his engagement ring for Meredith. He should have let her have it.
The worst thing were the questions. Should he have seen it coming? Had there been any indication - ANYTHING he should have taken as a warning? Something in her behavior, her words, her eyes? Should he have seen her true colors right from the start? How could he have misjudged her so badly? How could he have misjudged THEM so badly? He, the lawyer, the JAG? He had been planning their wedding for heaven's sake!
Or even more dreadful: Had there been anything he could have done to avoid this bitter ending? Talk to her, spend more time with her, love her more? Because, despite her words, her explanation that she had done this before ... he felt so terribly guilty about not having been able to make them work. He had really wanted to make them work. Why had he failed? Why?
He hated those painful questions without answers.
AJ closed his eyes for a second then shoved the ticket in the inner pocket of his jacket. Maybe spending time with Francesca was just the right thing to do. He really hoped it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to burden her with his problems but on the other hand longed for a kind ear to talk to. Or to simply forget everything in her light chatting.
This intense need surprised him somewhat. He had always been more a solitary person, keeping things to himself. Of course he had had to due to the life he had lived. He had been a SEAL and had participated in more than one covert operation he had never and would never be allowed to talk about. He was a lawyer who had vowed to protect the privacy of his clients including keeping their secrets if necessary. He had been the Judge Advocate General of the Department of the Navy and he had dealt with political crises, national interests or classified information - enough for more than one lifetime.
Nobody had ever asked what price he had paid.
Not that he would ever have answered any question of that kind. More likely he'd have given anyone brave enough to ask a sharp dressing-down together with the strong advice NOT to mess around with things NONE of their business. But if it had been the right person he knew that deep down he'd have been pleased someone cared enough to ask.
He snorted softly. The right person that sounded almost cynical, considering his record of disastrously ending love affairs. Sometimes he really wondered what he had done to deserve this. Oh, that he had spoiled his marriage with Marcella or better that his job and his dedication to it had spoiled his marriage wasn't in question. He had been young and ambitious and ... angry. Sometimes so terribly angry. His decision to leave the SEALs had come too late to save his marriage.
AJ slowly took a sip of the bitter coffee in front of him. After the divorce there had been other women but the only one who had finally got through to him had been Laura ... who died because of him, who died because of his past. Because of who he had been and what he had done in the past. He had never stopped feeling guilty about it. And he had almost made the biggest mistake of his life because of it. It had been good he had been with people he trusted, people who had trusted him and one who had offered a different solution than... There had still been left much of the angry young man in him ... more than he wanted to admit.
His affair with Sydney Walden had been a catastrophe of its own. Well, he learned his lesson: If you stepped between a mother and her child good intentions were never enough. And he had really thought they would be able to deal with it - she would be able to deal with it. He had been wrong. At least it hadn't been primarily his job that had separated them.
And Meredith ... it hurt too much to think about Meredith. And he had considered himself so lucky that he had found someone like her, to experience love again, a mature, open love. Although disaster had followed any of her steps - he had probably faced more life-threatening or at least harmful situation in these two years with her than in the rest of his entire life. But just to be in the same room with her, talking, laughing, sharing the same interests or just sitting in silence had given him ... peace.
Denying himself firmly to think about the other woman who had still a place in his heart AJ finished his cup of coffee. He looked around in this little oasis he had found during his aimless stroll through the airport - the part of the airport that was free for visitors and non-travelers.
He suppressed another sigh. It was a weekday afternoon and so the Main Terminal, this cafeteria included, was flooded with businesswomen and even more businessmen in suits hurrying busily in and out of the building in their busy lives. And the sight of these energetic men - mostly those in dark suits - reminded him all too much of the second reason why he had made the unnecessary drive out here.
God, he had really needed some distraction after the events of this morning. AJ still groaned at the thought.
Years ago he had been willing to send flowers to Clayton Webb's funeral and investigate his supposed death ... he had seen no reason to do less this - final - time. He had owed Webb that much respect. He had owed it to him as one of the few people who had always met him on the same level and always took as good as he gave. Even after he had broken the spy's nose in Russia the agent had still been willing to hold his ground against the sometimes enraged JAG despite any very prominent threat of more broken bones. AJ had always respected brave, dedicated men no matter if they were friends or opponents. And if he had liked it or not Webb had had the right to meet him on the same level because of his position. Not that he had been of the same rank as the Judge Advocate General - but he too knew about the burden of responsibility.
So he had gone and visited Webb's mother to give his condolences. In fact his visit had been long since overdue, considering. The woman had seemed to be so composed, bearing her fate with so much dignity, talking so friendly to a complete stranger she could have known only - if at all - through the words of her son. It hadn't been until he had seen her blanch, seen her body go rigid that he had realized that no one - not the CIA, not Sarah Mackenzie, not Harmon Rabb, Junior - had bothered to tell her yet that her only son had died.
He had never felt so embarrassed in his whole life. So helpless. And so angry beyond anything. Not angry at Mac, well, maybe a little, but the woman really had more than enough problems of her own at the moment. And he wasn't sure if he had the right to be angry at Rabb after the past year. But he had every right to be angry - no, furious! - at the CIA that they didn't even bother to inform Webb's next of kin of what had happened. If they hadn't told Mac he'd have been able to understand. But his MOTHER!
He had stayed as long as politeness and his sense of duty had made him and then had backed out with some meaningless excuses, leaving the woman to her private pain and grief. And so he had ended up here.
Giving himself a shake AJ finally put down the coffee cup he was still holding. It was almost funny, despite his respect he had never liked Webb - or had always told himself he didn't like him - but now any man in a suit seemed to remind him of the agent. Maybe because Webb probably would have understood the reasons for his decision to retire far better than any other person he had worked with over the years ... including the normally so sensitive Sarah Mackenzie or his oh-so-stubborn Harmon Rabb ... especially Rabb. Not after the past year.
No, neither the sensitive Mac nor the stubborn Rabb had ever realized that not only SecNav Nelson had burned his fingers with the Kabir-Atef-incident two years ago but JAG - and especially THE JAG - too. None of them had ever fully understood how much damage it had done to JAG's reputation. And none of them had ever realized that Lindsey's wild accusations couldn't have come up at any more inappropriate time ... or the investigation into Lieutenant Singer's death followed by Rabb being brought to trial for murder.
Heck, he still thanked God every now and then that his staff had obeyed his order to stay out of it. He still thanked God that especially Sarah Mackenzie had had enough sense to stay out of it - anything else, any intervention out of personal reasons would have been a further disaster for the department's reputation. Oh, not that he had believed for a minute that Rabb could have killed Singer - not even for his brother - but he had also known that he could not step into the way of justice. Not this time. Not after Lindsey's report, not after the Angel Shark incident, not after the Senate hearing. Too many eyes had been watching JAG and quite a lot of them hadn't been benevolent yet powerful. Dangerously powerful.
And not with the new SecNav.
Too many things had changed with the new SecNav. Sheffield wasn't Nelson. This man knew what he wanted, how he wanted it and when he wanted it. A determined man. A dedicated man. In his own way probably a good man. But definitely not the man to take a line like "Whatever you order me I'm going to Russia and with all due respect, Mister Secretary, you don't want to stop me" from anyone. From anyone.
Sighing softly Chegwidden closed his eyes again and rubbed a hand over his tired face. He knew he had quite a reputation - an undeniable reputation - for standing up for his people even against his superiors. Something a man like Sheffield would never tolerate ... not to such extent. To bring Manetti into JAG as his spy had been the first indication. And no matter how honestly she had defended JAG against Lindsey's accusations leading to an abrupt end of the Commander's career ... AJ had known it hadn't changed the SecNav's opinion on him and his qualities.
Oh, they had always been very civil to each other. Very polite. But he had felt from the beginning that Sheffield wasn't happy with him as the Judge Advocate General. And he had been unable to do anything against it.
Nelson he had known how to handle ... even manipulate, yes. He had known his weak points and how to guide him in the direction he wanted. But in two years he simply hadn't been able to figure Sheffield out. Instead, he had slowly been losing ground whatever he did until he had had his back to the wall, trapped by the circumstances, watching his work of almost ten years falling to pieces. And finally he, who had fought all his life and always stood up for himself and the people under his command, had seen no other possibility than to surrender and offer his retirement. What an awful way to go.
Pushing his chair back AJ got to his feet, suddenly fed up with himself and his mourning for things he couldn't change anyway. What had happened was now history. Heck, HE was history no matter how much it hurt. He had made a decision and deep down he knew it had been the right one. Not only for him but for the people at JAG headquarters too. They were good people, all of them. Not perfect, of course not, but the best staff he had ever worked with. Now it was their chance to start all over again and hopefully get back on the SecNav's right side. His retirement was the price he had to pay to save their careers. It was just so darn hard to come to terms with it.
Leaving his hiding place AJ silently shook his head. He still wondered what these men and women he had worked with so closely over the past years were thinking about his retirement. Probably that he had lost it finally. They couldn't be able to understand his real reasons without an explanation ... which he wasn't able to give them. Wasn't willing to give them. Couldn't allow himself to give them. He had always admired their loyalty, their firm believe in their duty and themselves but he was - had been their commanding officer. And a commanding officer sometimes had to keep secrets from his staff, had to take the burden of responsibility all by himself because that was his job, pure and simple... And it would have destroyed the discipline he had vowed to keep if he had involved them in his struggle. This had been his personal fight and not a threat to JAG in general like Lindsey. No, it would not have been right to involve them. Even if that had meant to lose the fight.
The funny thing was that Webb of all people probably would have understood without a word. But he was dead.
Without wanting it Chegwidden turned his head and considered the people around him, mostly arrivals coming out of baggage claim and streaming towards the exits. Although there were plenty of suits - mingled with the rather loose outfits of tourists - the special type he was looking for was rather seldom. Those three-piece suits Webb had worn like some sort of uniform - or a shield against the world. Or maybe that was putting too much interpretation on a simple thing.
Nevertheless, many men reminded him of the spy: That man talking so intensely with a blond woman, this one wearing his sunglasses within the building and especially that man standing over there, rubbing his eyes tiredly with thumb and forefinger of his right hand... Same height, same build, even his haircut was so much like Webb's had been the day he had seen him last ... almost a year ago as the spy had been in hospital after Paraguay. It had been his only visit. Maybe he was really getting old, considering his tendency to see ghosts.
The man he was still watching lowered his hand, tilted his head with a slight grimace and lifted the strap of his small travel bag higher up his shoulder ... and for the first time AJ got a look at his full profile. He froze in the middle of his step.
'Oh, no. No, you didn't!' The thought seemed to drift on its own through his suddenly blank mind.
The man in the dark suit made an attempt to straighten his shoulders and then slowly continued his way towards the doors.
'You bastard, you didn't!'
AJ clenched his fists. Hot white fury nearly blinded him. He started forward, passed several people with long strides quickly closing the gap between him and his goal. This couldn't be. This simply couldn't be. Not even HE could have been that cold-hearted. Mac's sad face was a lively memory. Heck, he himself had felt sad - unbelievable! He almost ran into a man wearing a light-colored business suit and all but pushed him out of the way. He didn't bother with an excuse. His goal was now just a few steps in front of him and still he refused to believe it completely. His voice was a low growl.
"Webb!"
At first there was no reaction but then the man in the dark three-piece suit paused and turned around slowly. An exhausted smile lit up his face.
"AJ, hi. What are you doing here?"
---
- Washington Dulles International Airport, a cafeteria
Rear Admiral Upper Half AJ Chegwidden, retired, looked once more at the plane ticket in his hands and heaved a sigh before he could stop himself.
Of course it had been absolutely unnecessary to drive out here in person and buy the ticket. Of course he could have bought it in a travel agency or over the phone or - if he knew how and had somehow got past his antipathy to computers - via internet. Thinking straight driving out here had been a waste of time.
Unfortunately time was the problem. Two days since his Dining out and he was already bored to death. No matter how right his decision had been, no matter what plans he had made ... he had always been kind of a workaholic, always jumpy during his vacations. It had led to some rather strange incidents over the years including phone calls to the Acting JAG if STILL no crisis had occurred.
His job had been his life as he had to admit now. Now that he had retired to a lonely house where still everything reminded him of the woman he had had all intentions to marry this year. Meredith wasn't aware how deep the wound was she had inflicted. What chain of events she had set in motion by breaking his self-confidence like this - yes, breaking, he couldn't deny it any longer. Heck, he couldn't even stand the sight of the dog, always remembering the day she had eaten the cake with his ring in it, his engagement ring for Meredith. He should have let her have it.
The worst thing were the questions. Should he have seen it coming? Had there been any indication - ANYTHING he should have taken as a warning? Something in her behavior, her words, her eyes? Should he have seen her true colors right from the start? How could he have misjudged her so badly? How could he have misjudged THEM so badly? He, the lawyer, the JAG? He had been planning their wedding for heaven's sake!
Or even more dreadful: Had there been anything he could have done to avoid this bitter ending? Talk to her, spend more time with her, love her more? Because, despite her words, her explanation that she had done this before ... he felt so terribly guilty about not having been able to make them work. He had really wanted to make them work. Why had he failed? Why?
He hated those painful questions without answers.
AJ closed his eyes for a second then shoved the ticket in the inner pocket of his jacket. Maybe spending time with Francesca was just the right thing to do. He really hoped it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to burden her with his problems but on the other hand longed for a kind ear to talk to. Or to simply forget everything in her light chatting.
This intense need surprised him somewhat. He had always been more a solitary person, keeping things to himself. Of course he had had to due to the life he had lived. He had been a SEAL and had participated in more than one covert operation he had never and would never be allowed to talk about. He was a lawyer who had vowed to protect the privacy of his clients including keeping their secrets if necessary. He had been the Judge Advocate General of the Department of the Navy and he had dealt with political crises, national interests or classified information - enough for more than one lifetime.
Nobody had ever asked what price he had paid.
Not that he would ever have answered any question of that kind. More likely he'd have given anyone brave enough to ask a sharp dressing-down together with the strong advice NOT to mess around with things NONE of their business. But if it had been the right person he knew that deep down he'd have been pleased someone cared enough to ask.
He snorted softly. The right person that sounded almost cynical, considering his record of disastrously ending love affairs. Sometimes he really wondered what he had done to deserve this. Oh, that he had spoiled his marriage with Marcella or better that his job and his dedication to it had spoiled his marriage wasn't in question. He had been young and ambitious and ... angry. Sometimes so terribly angry. His decision to leave the SEALs had come too late to save his marriage.
AJ slowly took a sip of the bitter coffee in front of him. After the divorce there had been other women but the only one who had finally got through to him had been Laura ... who died because of him, who died because of his past. Because of who he had been and what he had done in the past. He had never stopped feeling guilty about it. And he had almost made the biggest mistake of his life because of it. It had been good he had been with people he trusted, people who had trusted him and one who had offered a different solution than... There had still been left much of the angry young man in him ... more than he wanted to admit.
His affair with Sydney Walden had been a catastrophe of its own. Well, he learned his lesson: If you stepped between a mother and her child good intentions were never enough. And he had really thought they would be able to deal with it - she would be able to deal with it. He had been wrong. At least it hadn't been primarily his job that had separated them.
And Meredith ... it hurt too much to think about Meredith. And he had considered himself so lucky that he had found someone like her, to experience love again, a mature, open love. Although disaster had followed any of her steps - he had probably faced more life-threatening or at least harmful situation in these two years with her than in the rest of his entire life. But just to be in the same room with her, talking, laughing, sharing the same interests or just sitting in silence had given him ... peace.
Denying himself firmly to think about the other woman who had still a place in his heart AJ finished his cup of coffee. He looked around in this little oasis he had found during his aimless stroll through the airport - the part of the airport that was free for visitors and non-travelers.
He suppressed another sigh. It was a weekday afternoon and so the Main Terminal, this cafeteria included, was flooded with businesswomen and even more businessmen in suits hurrying busily in and out of the building in their busy lives. And the sight of these energetic men - mostly those in dark suits - reminded him all too much of the second reason why he had made the unnecessary drive out here.
God, he had really needed some distraction after the events of this morning. AJ still groaned at the thought.
Years ago he had been willing to send flowers to Clayton Webb's funeral and investigate his supposed death ... he had seen no reason to do less this - final - time. He had owed Webb that much respect. He had owed it to him as one of the few people who had always met him on the same level and always took as good as he gave. Even after he had broken the spy's nose in Russia the agent had still been willing to hold his ground against the sometimes enraged JAG despite any very prominent threat of more broken bones. AJ had always respected brave, dedicated men no matter if they were friends or opponents. And if he had liked it or not Webb had had the right to meet him on the same level because of his position. Not that he had been of the same rank as the Judge Advocate General - but he too knew about the burden of responsibility.
So he had gone and visited Webb's mother to give his condolences. In fact his visit had been long since overdue, considering. The woman had seemed to be so composed, bearing her fate with so much dignity, talking so friendly to a complete stranger she could have known only - if at all - through the words of her son. It hadn't been until he had seen her blanch, seen her body go rigid that he had realized that no one - not the CIA, not Sarah Mackenzie, not Harmon Rabb, Junior - had bothered to tell her yet that her only son had died.
He had never felt so embarrassed in his whole life. So helpless. And so angry beyond anything. Not angry at Mac, well, maybe a little, but the woman really had more than enough problems of her own at the moment. And he wasn't sure if he had the right to be angry at Rabb after the past year. But he had every right to be angry - no, furious! - at the CIA that they didn't even bother to inform Webb's next of kin of what had happened. If they hadn't told Mac he'd have been able to understand. But his MOTHER!
He had stayed as long as politeness and his sense of duty had made him and then had backed out with some meaningless excuses, leaving the woman to her private pain and grief. And so he had ended up here.
Giving himself a shake AJ finally put down the coffee cup he was still holding. It was almost funny, despite his respect he had never liked Webb - or had always told himself he didn't like him - but now any man in a suit seemed to remind him of the agent. Maybe because Webb probably would have understood the reasons for his decision to retire far better than any other person he had worked with over the years ... including the normally so sensitive Sarah Mackenzie or his oh-so-stubborn Harmon Rabb ... especially Rabb. Not after the past year.
No, neither the sensitive Mac nor the stubborn Rabb had ever realized that not only SecNav Nelson had burned his fingers with the Kabir-Atef-incident two years ago but JAG - and especially THE JAG - too. None of them had ever fully understood how much damage it had done to JAG's reputation. And none of them had ever realized that Lindsey's wild accusations couldn't have come up at any more inappropriate time ... or the investigation into Lieutenant Singer's death followed by Rabb being brought to trial for murder.
Heck, he still thanked God every now and then that his staff had obeyed his order to stay out of it. He still thanked God that especially Sarah Mackenzie had had enough sense to stay out of it - anything else, any intervention out of personal reasons would have been a further disaster for the department's reputation. Oh, not that he had believed for a minute that Rabb could have killed Singer - not even for his brother - but he had also known that he could not step into the way of justice. Not this time. Not after Lindsey's report, not after the Angel Shark incident, not after the Senate hearing. Too many eyes had been watching JAG and quite a lot of them hadn't been benevolent yet powerful. Dangerously powerful.
And not with the new SecNav.
Too many things had changed with the new SecNav. Sheffield wasn't Nelson. This man knew what he wanted, how he wanted it and when he wanted it. A determined man. A dedicated man. In his own way probably a good man. But definitely not the man to take a line like "Whatever you order me I'm going to Russia and with all due respect, Mister Secretary, you don't want to stop me" from anyone. From anyone.
Sighing softly Chegwidden closed his eyes again and rubbed a hand over his tired face. He knew he had quite a reputation - an undeniable reputation - for standing up for his people even against his superiors. Something a man like Sheffield would never tolerate ... not to such extent. To bring Manetti into JAG as his spy had been the first indication. And no matter how honestly she had defended JAG against Lindsey's accusations leading to an abrupt end of the Commander's career ... AJ had known it hadn't changed the SecNav's opinion on him and his qualities.
Oh, they had always been very civil to each other. Very polite. But he had felt from the beginning that Sheffield wasn't happy with him as the Judge Advocate General. And he had been unable to do anything against it.
Nelson he had known how to handle ... even manipulate, yes. He had known his weak points and how to guide him in the direction he wanted. But in two years he simply hadn't been able to figure Sheffield out. Instead, he had slowly been losing ground whatever he did until he had had his back to the wall, trapped by the circumstances, watching his work of almost ten years falling to pieces. And finally he, who had fought all his life and always stood up for himself and the people under his command, had seen no other possibility than to surrender and offer his retirement. What an awful way to go.
Pushing his chair back AJ got to his feet, suddenly fed up with himself and his mourning for things he couldn't change anyway. What had happened was now history. Heck, HE was history no matter how much it hurt. He had made a decision and deep down he knew it had been the right one. Not only for him but for the people at JAG headquarters too. They were good people, all of them. Not perfect, of course not, but the best staff he had ever worked with. Now it was their chance to start all over again and hopefully get back on the SecNav's right side. His retirement was the price he had to pay to save their careers. It was just so darn hard to come to terms with it.
Leaving his hiding place AJ silently shook his head. He still wondered what these men and women he had worked with so closely over the past years were thinking about his retirement. Probably that he had lost it finally. They couldn't be able to understand his real reasons without an explanation ... which he wasn't able to give them. Wasn't willing to give them. Couldn't allow himself to give them. He had always admired their loyalty, their firm believe in their duty and themselves but he was - had been their commanding officer. And a commanding officer sometimes had to keep secrets from his staff, had to take the burden of responsibility all by himself because that was his job, pure and simple... And it would have destroyed the discipline he had vowed to keep if he had involved them in his struggle. This had been his personal fight and not a threat to JAG in general like Lindsey. No, it would not have been right to involve them. Even if that had meant to lose the fight.
The funny thing was that Webb of all people probably would have understood without a word. But he was dead.
Without wanting it Chegwidden turned his head and considered the people around him, mostly arrivals coming out of baggage claim and streaming towards the exits. Although there were plenty of suits - mingled with the rather loose outfits of tourists - the special type he was looking for was rather seldom. Those three-piece suits Webb had worn like some sort of uniform - or a shield against the world. Or maybe that was putting too much interpretation on a simple thing.
Nevertheless, many men reminded him of the spy: That man talking so intensely with a blond woman, this one wearing his sunglasses within the building and especially that man standing over there, rubbing his eyes tiredly with thumb and forefinger of his right hand... Same height, same build, even his haircut was so much like Webb's had been the day he had seen him last ... almost a year ago as the spy had been in hospital after Paraguay. It had been his only visit. Maybe he was really getting old, considering his tendency to see ghosts.
The man he was still watching lowered his hand, tilted his head with a slight grimace and lifted the strap of his small travel bag higher up his shoulder ... and for the first time AJ got a look at his full profile. He froze in the middle of his step.
'Oh, no. No, you didn't!' The thought seemed to drift on its own through his suddenly blank mind.
The man in the dark suit made an attempt to straighten his shoulders and then slowly continued his way towards the doors.
'You bastard, you didn't!'
AJ clenched his fists. Hot white fury nearly blinded him. He started forward, passed several people with long strides quickly closing the gap between him and his goal. This couldn't be. This simply couldn't be. Not even HE could have been that cold-hearted. Mac's sad face was a lively memory. Heck, he himself had felt sad - unbelievable! He almost ran into a man wearing a light-colored business suit and all but pushed him out of the way. He didn't bother with an excuse. His goal was now just a few steps in front of him and still he refused to believe it completely. His voice was a low growl.
"Webb!"
At first there was no reaction but then the man in the dark three-piece suit paused and turned around slowly. An exhausted smile lit up his face.
"AJ, hi. What are you doing here?"