By Shadoe Masters
This is Story 4 of "The Great Burt Baiting Saga." These stories center on the characters from Tremors: The Series, and feature Burt, Tyler, and all the gang from Perfection Valley. There are also original characters of my own creation - just so you're warned ahead of time. But please don't let that scare you off. I hope you enjoy them.
While this story is a romance, the people involved are not the most cooperative people in the coupling department. The romantic elements take time to unfold.
Feedback: Please let me know what you think of each story. I love feedback, both good and bad, and the more detailed the better.
Disclaimer: "Tremors" is not owned by me or my affiliates, but by Stampede Entertainment, Universal Studios, and their affiliates. No copyright infringement is intended - just some good, clean (well, mostly) fun!
E-mail:
Thanks to my beta readers: LadyNRA, ActionBurt & the gang at work
The Twelve-Hundred Rules of Gun Safety, Gummer-Style
Part 1
Perfection Nevada, 6/19/2003
"Hi, Burt!"
Kylie's smiling greeting was friendly enough, but Burt almost turned around and left. Since their... discussion that morning during the ride back to town--after she'd completed her pointless daily run--he had tried to avoid her. He just didn't want to start the whole argument all over. The girl never listened.
And she had the nerve to say he got her into trouble when they went anywhere together!
He sighed, slid his sunglasses into his pocket, and walked up to the counter. "Where is everyone?"
She waved a hand vaguely toward the back of the store. "They're around." She set a cup on the counter and poised the coffee pot over it while looking questioningly at him. He nodded and she poured. "They only let me do coffee--I haven't graduated to food yet, so if you're looking for lunch, you're on your own."
The way she said it made him suspicious, but he pulled the cup toward him. "You can't cook either?" It was amazing the number of things she'd never learned to do.
She shrugged. "Only if a can opener and microwave are involved. Even then it's kinda--" She waggled her hand in the air. "--iffy."
He took a sip of the coffee and grimaced.
"I can see why they don't let you cook." He pushed it away and stood. "You'll want to stick with instant on the coffee too." As he walked out, Nancy passed him at the door.
"How rude!" Nancy said, sitting at the counter in front of Kylie. "He still mad at you?"
Kylie nodded, slumping down to rest her chin in her hand. "Guess so." She watched Burt drive away through the front window. "How long does he usually stay mad?"
"Depends on what you argued about."
"World War II," Kylie said. "The American versus the European point of view."
Nancy rolled her eyes. "World War II? The subject closest to his heart? Let me put it this way," she said. "He might talk to you sometime next month."
"That bad?"
Nancy nodded. "I don't see why you bother to make him take you running every day. It would be easier if you just went alone."
"He'd just follow me anyway," Kylie said, straightening. "Besides, I like Burt."
"Why?" Nancy asked, surprised. "All you two ever do is fight."
"That's only because I'm always baiting him," she pointed out.
"Kylie, why do you do that?"
"Because of the fun?" Kylie shrugged. "He just makes it so... easy."
"That he does," Nancy said, trying to hold back a grin.
"And he's so cute when he goes into 'rant mode' and his face turns all red," she added with a grin.
"Just watch it," Nancy advised. "One of these days, you're going to push him too far." She took the coffee Kylie had poured for Burt and took a sip. She winced. "What did you put in this?"
Early that evening, Burt paused at the window to make sure Jodi was at the counter instead of Kylie. Tyler's jeep was parked out front with two other cars, and tourists were milling around the store, but it looked like they were almost cleared out at last. "Should have been gone already," he muttered to himself.
He took his usual stance, leaning against the counter, while Jodi poured him a cup of coffee. He turned to lean on the other elbow to avoid talking to Nancy, who'd just come in from the back, and caught sight of Kylie at the corner table. She wore some kind of weird getup consisting of a long multi-colored gown and some kind of scarf over her blond hair. She was sitting with a tourist and had those damned tarot cards spread all over the table. "What the hell?" he muttered.
"She got a custom-made graboid tarot deck and now she's doing readings for the tourists. They love it." Jodi smiled at Burt's look of disgust. "And the house gets twenty percent of the take."
"Don't knock it," Nancy said. "It's something she can do."
"Without damage," Jodi added.
Burt sipped his coffee, waiting for more, but she didn't elaborate. "At least she's not making the coffee anymore."
"You were here for that?" Jodi asked, and he nodded. "She said it was some kind of weird European recipe."
"Recipe for axle grease," Burt muttered.
"Did you hear what she did at Tyler's?"
He shook his head and looked a question at her.
"Tyler's been mad all week."
"That's not fair, Jodi," Nancy said. "How was she supposed to know he was keeping those for spare parts? She promised to pay for them."
Jodi ignored her and turned to Burt. "And after what she did to his Tour jeep, Tyler said he wouldn't let her near the garage again. Even if she brings food."
Nancy laughed in spite of herself. "Especially if she brings food."
Jodi flashed a smile, but said, "And didn't she almost blow up your new kiln, Nancy?"
"It was the old one, and I don't think it was permanent damage."
"Still..." Jodi let that hang in the air ominously.
"But didn't she help you on those investments?" Nancy asked her.
"She did, but I don't understand her formulas. And I'm still not letting her use my computer. Not after what she did to the cash register."
"You were able to reprogram it."
"Still..." Jodi turned to Burt. "She's a menace. Be afraid. Be very afraid."
He looked over at the small woman in the corner, attention on the cards before her and speaking in a low voice to the customer at the table. "And she doesn't really look all that dangerous..."
Jodi leaned close. "Trust me, Burt. Guard yourself."
"That's not fair," Nancy said. "She just... hasn't found something she's good at yet, that's all."
"Well she's not experimenting in my store anymore."
Kylie walked the last customer out of the store, leaned over the counter to get her Pepsi, then scrambled up on a stool to join them. "Talking about me?" she asked.
"How did you know?" Nancy asked.
"The cards know all..." she replied mysteriously.
Burt scoffed and she grinned at him. "Actually, Jodi was glaring at me again."
"You used to own a store," Jodi said. "How could you not understand a cash register?"
Kylie shrugged. "Well... There was a clerk, and not as many buttons, and..." She gave up with another shrug. She took a sip of her Pepsi and pulled the scarf off her head. "So, what can I do tomorrow?" she asked brightly.
Jodi and Nancy exchanged a look.
"Didn't you want that inventory started, Jodi?" Nancy said first.
Jodi froze in place. "Well, I didn't really need--"
"I know," Nancy said, coming to the rescue. "You know, ever since you fell in that hole last week, you've been wanting to buy a gun. Burt, here, can take you into Bixby and help you pick one out!"
"Yeah," Jodi agreed, smiling. "That's a great idea!"
All three women turned to Burt, expectant smiles on their faces. He looked from one to the next, but couldn't decide on a reply. Finally, he settled on Kylie and said, "Have you ever fired a gun?"
Kylie smiled. "Well, no, but it can't be that hard. Just point, pull the trigger, and bang, right?"
Burt just stared. He did not even know where to begin. "You shouldn't even think about buying a gun until you've learned how to fire one. And even then there's safety, maintenance--"
"And you're just the man to teach her, Burt!" Nancy said. "When can you start?"
Burt pushed himself away from the counter. Both Nancy and Jodi had satisfied smirks on their faces. He felt maneuvered. He looked to Kylie's smiling, hopeful face. "I can't," he said. "I have things to do. Next week's survival class to prepare for, traps to monitor, the geo-phones..." There was no telling what that woman would do with a gun in her hands. She's shoot him. She'd break his guns! He shook his head. "I just can't do it."
Kylie tilted her head and stared at him with those big, blue eyes. "Who else would you suggest?"
He pushed his hat back on his head, then resettled it. He looked to Jodi, then Nancy for help, but found none there, and looked back at Kylie's hopeful face. He sighed. "Tomorrow okay?"
Burt showed up at Chang's at precisely 0700 hours the next morning. He looked every inch the paramilitary survivalist in his tri-color desert BDUs, combat boots, and the ever-present Hawks hat. As he'd expected, Kylie was late. He walked over to lean against the counter and considered putting some coffee on.
He was not happy about the coming lessons. As much as that girl argued with everything he said, and didn't listen to his very good advice, the day was destined to be a disaster. If Jodi and Nancy didn't even want her around, what made them think he would?
He thought about leaving. He'd told her not to be late. He looked at his watch. 0702. He'd give her ten more minutes. Or maybe three. At 0705, he'd leave. He'd be off the hook and no one could blame him. He'd told her not to be late.
He shook his head when she suddenly burst through the door. She looked bright and cheerful, even if out of breath and thrown together from her dash across the street.
"Ready?" he said, standing.
She climbed on one of the stools at the counter and leaned over to take a package from behind. "All set!" she said, stuffing the package into the backpack she carried slung over one shoulder. "Thanks Jodi!" she called, as she hurried to the door.
Burt followed her out the door, still shaking his head. She was like a tiny whirlwind. He walked over to the other side of the truck and got in. "I've set up some targets in North Fork Canyon," he said, starting the truck and pulling out. "We'll start with those."
Kylie looked at her watch then back at him. "Set up targets? Already? Burt, it's 7:00 in the morning."
"I've been up since 0500 hours," he pointed out.
"So have I," she muttered.
"And you were still late."
The corners of her mouth turned up and she looked out her side of the truck. "I knew you'd say something. Thirty seconds late and you still had to say something."
"Three minutes," he corrected. "And I told you not to be late."
"It was only thirty seconds," she argued. "I checked."
"I synchronize my watch with the US Naval Observatory master atomic clock every morning," he said, glaring at her. "It was three minutes."
She muttered something he didn't catch, so he didn't reply, but allowed himself a smug half-grin.
"So anyway, thanks for this," Kylie said, after a short pause.
He glanced at her. "For what?"
"Teaching me all this gun stuff." She smiled mischievously. "And for getting me out of Nancy's hair. I think she was plotting with Jodi how to hide the body."
"I doubt it was that bad," he said skeptically.
"It was a joke, Burt. You need to loosen up, have fun. Smile once in a while."
He just gave her a quelling look.
"Okay," she said. "But just to warn you: you have now presented me with a challenge: Must Make Burt Laugh. At least once."
His look said everything she needed to know about her chances of making that happen.
She just put a superior smile on her face and started plotting.
"What did you do to Tyler's Jeep?" he asked.
She squirmed. "Well... Really, I just washed it."
"Just washing it isn't going to make him ban you from his garage."
She looked out the other side at the passing scenery. "It is if you take things out of the engine to wash them."
He smirked.
"Ah-ha! Almost had you there! That was nearly a laugh!"
He wiped that expression from his face. "You're not supposed to take things out of the engine. How much do you know about cars?"
"Hey, 'gas and go' pretty much covers everything I know about cars." she grinned. "Hmmmm... Come to think of it, I usually have someone else around to pump the gas, so 'go-go-go' is likely about my limit."
"Which is why I didn't let you drive back when we went to Las Vegas to get your Range Rover."
"I thought that was because you thought my driving was--how did you put that? 'Hazardous, unsafe and virtually homicidal'."
"And it was," he confirmed. "I've seen you drive in the Valley. In spite of my lessons, you haven't improved."
"Might be because of your lessons, you know."
She grinned when he glared at her, letting him know she was kidding, but he wasn't mollified. "That kind of attitude is why everyone else is angry with you now."
"Unlike yourself, who's been angry with me all along."
He stoically refused to look at her.
"But everybody else being mad at me is not my fault! They just keep assuming I know stuff about stuff I know nothing about. Like how am I supposed to know why Nancy wasn't using the old kiln? I just knew I wasn't supposed to use the new one she was all hyped about. I don't know stuff about kilns."
"And how much 'stuff' do you know about guns?"
"I know stuff about guns..."
"Like what?"
"Well, like..." She started ticking off a list on her fingers. "The part with the hole is the scary end. And they need gas like cars, only for guns they're called 'bullets'."
He stopped the truck. He almost turned it around.
She saw his expression and stopped her list on a giggle. "Okay, I'm just yanking your chain." She thought about it. "But, yeah, that pretty much covers what I know about guns."
"But you were planning to go out and buy one!"
She shrugged. "Criminals use them all the time, Burt, and they're stupid. How hard could it be?" She glanced at him. His face was starting to turn red. "Okay, okay, I'll stop!" she said, hands in the air. "You are sensei, I am 'grasshopper.' Impart to me your wisdom, O Great One."
"That's better," he said shortly, and they continued on their way.