February 5, 2001



To My One & Only Love,


It's kind of strange when I think about it, the last three years that is. I still find it hard to believe that it has really been three years since that day. They say that time heals all wounds, but now I realized that "they" really don't have any idea what they're talking about. Three years I thought to myself that should be enough time for the healing process to at least start. Unfortunately it hasn't, I still see you every time I close my eyes. You're all that I seem to think about. I know that I'm not going to be able to make any sense out of your death, but that doesn't mean that I can just accept it.

How could I accept that, you were gone and there was absolutely no reason for it? My thoughts now turn to anger, how could this have happened, how could he have done this too you. I remember sitting in the courtroom feeling a slight sense of gratification that the jury came back guilty on the charge of vehicular manslaughter, for the man that took you away. It was so hard for me to accept that some drunk could just take you away forever without so much as stepping on the brakes. However that sense of gratification did not last long, as the judge in his "infinite wisdom" ruled on what his punishment should be, I felt as though my heart was ripped out once more. "Did I hear right, he couldn't have said...", I remember thinking as the judges words started to sink in. The judge spoke to him, that man who took away my every reason for being in a stern voice at the sentencing, telling him that for his crime he must be punished. Then the judge said the words that still echo in my head, "I do not believe that prison is the right place for you, because of your skills as a doctor you can be of great benefit to society." I tried to stand up and yell at the judge, but my legs just wouldn't lift me to my feet and I couldn't manage anything more that a whimper. Community service, how could that be. I wanted him to face justice for what he had done, but "because he a skill he got community service" I thought as I was overcome. Finally I screamed out "what ever happened to do no harm?", but by then I was the only one left in a dark and empty courtroom.

As I now look back I realize that courtroom that night is much like my life without you is now, dark and empty. Then that feeling came back to me, the one which had haunted my dreams for the last three years. This was the dream where I look down on your broken body and you silently mouthed the words that tore me apart, the words, "how could you". Even though I new that it was not my fault that you were gone, I couldn't help but think that somehow it was. If we had just studied that night like we had planned to then we never would have been in that situation. It's amazing how even the littlest thing could make such a huge difference. If only I had held my arms around you for just a few more seconds we would have never have been separated. If only if I had given you one more kiss and crossed that street a few minutes later we would be together now.

In these three years I have finally begun to accept that you were really gone, that I would never see you again. Some people would call this good, but accepting this just means that I have nothing left in my life to hope for. This is the feeling that I carry around with me now, the feeling that each day when I wake up there is no reason for me to get out of bed. If not for my attempts to show my family and the few friends I have left that I was all right, I most likely wouldn't get up at all. Right now that was something that I longed for, not waking up not having to fight anymore. I don't really want to die, it's just without you I am just finding it nearly impossible to live. I wished that there was someone that I could talk to, but I had cut myself off from everyone after you were gone that I couldn't go to them now. Everyone knew that we were close, but still they never really knew. I never told anyone exactly how close we had become that night, it just never seemed the right time and now how can I tell them what I've been hiding for so long. My brother is the closest thing to support that I've been able to find in the last three years without him to lean on I don't think that I would be writing this right now. Now that he has gone away to college I'm again alone with nothing but the quiet of my empty room and the thoughts of what could, or rather should have been.

I now regret that we not had shared our feelings with each other sooner. After all I always saw it coming, our future that is. Even before that day I knew that we were destined to be together for the rest of our lives, I just never expected that to be so short a time. Some might wish that they didn't have the memory of those moments that we shared that day haunting them, but I don't. As much as it rips me apart to think about that day, I would never for get about the memories. I thought to myself that as long as I hold on to that day and the joy that I had felt you would remain alive forever. The three longest years of my life are behind me, but what lies ahead will be just as hard to face. Even though I know that you will never be able to read this letter it still helps that I write it, if even to throw it away when I'm done. You are my strength, and even after you're gone, your memory continues to give me the strength and hope that there will be a brighter day



Love,

Your Best Friend
(And the One Who Loves You Too Much to Let Death Get in the Way.)

Melissa M. 03/09/79 – 02/05/98 11:56 PM. You are my strength, without you my life is dark and empty.