First order of business: the sheepish apology. I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get this updated! I have the usual excuse: I do have (or at least, I like to think that I have) a life outside of Star Trek and fan fiction. And sometimes, said life gets the better of me. But, I'm here now, and that's all that matters, right? I'm trusting that you all can find it within your hearts to forgive me. So, here we go!

Chapter Five

"Is this what I think it is?" McCoy asked.

Kirk blinked down at the now unwrapped bundle sitting oh-so-innocently on the palm of his hand.

"I do believe it is, Bones," he answered slowly.

"You say it first."

"It's…he swallowed. "It's a pair of pointed ears. Prosthetic ones."

McCoy sighed. "That's what I think too. Well, at least I know I'm not hallucinating."

"Or at least, you're not alone in your hallucination."

Considering this, they both stared, dumb-founded, at the puzzling objects. Kirk felt strangely cheated, as though fate was playing a mean trick on him. Mob bosses he could deal with. Old Western gunfights, those he could handle. But this was just too much. Other captains never found pairs of prosthetic pointy ears in the quarters of their Vulcan officers. It just didn't happen. So why him?

Their trance was finally broken by the cat who, not wanting to be ignored by these entertaining strangers, let out a loud squawk of indignation, making them jump. McCoy obligingly plopped down and the cat clamored eagerly onto his lap.

Still feeling a little dazed, Kirk sank onto the floor opposite the doctor.

"Why…" He was having trouble getting his thoughts to connect. "Why would Spock…"

McCoy ran a hand through his hair. "Beats the hell out of me. Ow!" The doctor's furry friend had starting prancing around in circles, kneading his claws into McCoy's leg. "Settle down, will ya?"

Kirk was holding one of the ears between his fingers, twirling it around absentmindedly. He didn't even register what he was doing until McCoy looked up and squinted at the rotating ear.

"Let me see that for a second."

Kirk handed them over, and McCoy scrutinized them, his brow furrowed as though he was in the midst of a complicated surgical procedure.

"You know, there's something strange about these."

Kirk rolled his eyes. "You mean besides he fact that it's a pair of prosthetic ears that we found in the quarters of our Vulcan officer?"

"Ha ha, very funny. Seriously though, I-" And expression of sudden realization washed over his face.

"What, Bones?"

McCoy held the ears up, side by side. "Look Jim, what's wrong with this picture?"

He couldn't see what Bones was talking about. The poor doctor was probably just cracking up under the strain, something that Kirk could certainly identify with; he was feeling a little crazy himself. But, to humor his colleague, he focused his attention to the matter at hand. Both ears were the same size, the same color. The tips of the ears both pointed to the left--hold on.

"They're the same ear!" he blurted out. "But that would mean…"

McCoy nodded slowly, in an 'you're-on-the-right-track' sort of way.

Kirk felt his eyes involuntarily widen. "No." He shook his head. "No way. There is no way you're suggesting that…"

"You know Jim, when I was a boy, I had a dog that was half sheltie, half Australian sheepdog."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Hold on, hear me out. Now, shelties have ears that flop over, and sheepdogs' ears stand up straight. You'd think that, in a mixed breed, one ear type would be dominant over the other. But my dog-"

Kirk had a sickening feeling that he knew where this was going.

"Let me guess," he sighed. "Your dog had one straight ear-"

"-and one floppy ear," McCoy confirmed. "A classic case of co-dominant hereditary traits. Therefore, it would hardly be, excuse my language, illogical to assume that Spock, as a Vulcan/Human hybrid would…"

He trailed off, and Kirk knew the reason why. They'd been dancing around the issue, an impromptu tango of insinuating statements and vague suggestions. Both men were thinking the same thing, but neither of them wanted to be the one to voice it, to give life to the crazy thought. After all, if it turned out to be wrong, the majority of the embarrassment would no doubt fall on the first person who'd spoken it. It was a tricky bit of verbal choreography, but Kirk was no amateur. So McCoy was going to try to force him into admission? Well, two could play at this game.

"Come on now, Bones. You're his doctor. You of all people should know about it." He was careful to maintain a certain amount of ambiguousness in his response. Thank God for pronouns. McCoy was momentarily set back a pace, but quickly regained his momentum

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"You would have noticed."

"No, I wouldn't have. Besides, you're the captain."

"So?"

"So, you should know these kinds of things about your first officer."

"What kind of things?"

"Don't toy with me, Jim. You know what I'm talking about."

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do!"

"No I don't. Why don't you explain it to me?"

"Damnit Jim!"

"What?"

McCoy threw his hands up in disgust.

"Aw hell, this is stupid." He drew a deep breath. "One pointed ear! We're both thinking that Spock only has one pointed ear, and that's why he's got these spare prosthetics lying around! There, damnit, I said it!"

Startled by this sudden outburst, the cat gave a shriek of protest and bolted for the sanctity of under Spock's bed, leaving three bloody gashes on McCoy's legs. The doctor stared down at these for a moment, then dropped his head into his hands.

"I should've stayed in Georgia," he muttered through his fingers. "People in Georgia don't have to deal with these kinds of situations. I could've opened up a nice little clinic, fixing broken bones and delivering babies. But noooooo, I had to up and join StarFleet, so that I could saddled with stuff like this."

Kirk watched him for a moment, not entirely sure what to do. Fine time for McCoy to hit his midlife crisis. He had to snap him out of it.

"Bones, there's something that you're failing to realize," he said quietly.

McCoy glanced at him from over his fingertips.

"What, that my life is an empty wasteland of hyposprays and pig-headed Vulcans?"

"Well yes, that, and…" -he paused a moment and leaned in dramatically- "if this theory" -he gestured at the ears- "turns out to be correct, you can tease Spock about it for the rest of his life."

Slowly, McCoy raised his head, numbly absorbing this fantastic turn of fate. The grin that spread across his face happened so fast that Kirk half-expected a resulting sonic boom. The next thing he knew, McCoy was tugging him to his feet.

"Come on, Jim! This could be the best thing that's happened to me all year. I could-" he paused. "No, wait, I've got to be professional about this." He tugged at his uniform with what Kirk thought was a futile attempt at composure. Then McCoy cleared his throat and marched over to the nearest wall-comm.

"McCoy to Sickbay."

"Chapel here. What is it, doctor?"

McCoy gave Kirk a conspiratorial wink. Kirk smiled back weakly but all he could think was that no good could possibly come from this.

Blissfully unaware of his captain's doubts, the doctor continued.

"Could you go peek in on Mr. Spock and tell me his current condition?"

Kirk guessed that Nurse Chapel had probably been hovering at Spock's bedside ever since McCoy had left. His suspicions were confirmed when she answered promptly, without any need to go and check.

"Well, his fever has gone up and that, plus the medication, has made him a little disorientated, but it's nothing serious. He-"

"I'd better come and check on him anyway," McCoy interrupted, practically bouncing up and down in excitement. "I'll be there in must a minute. McCoy out."

He spun around to face Kirk, who stepped back a pace when he saw the gleam in the doctor's eyes.

"This is perfect, Jim!" He rubbed his hands together with obvious glee. "What better time to question him about it then when he's already a little loopy?"

Actually, Kirk was starting to feel a little loopy himself.

"Wait a minute, Bones. You're telling me that you plan to take blatant advantage of your sick patient's physical status, merely for your own personal entertainment?"

He waited for a response, preferably a guilty one, although he realized that this was an impossible dream. A dream that was thoroughly crushed when McCoy nodded enthusiastically.

"I thought you said you were going to be professional about all this!" Kirk pointed out, in a last-ditch attempt.

McCoy snorted. "To hell with that! This is gonna be great!"

And with that, he strode out the door without a backward glance. With a sigh, Kirk jogged off after him, dreading what he knew was bound to happen.

TBC

Okay folks, one more chapter and then I should be done with this story! By the way, the thing about the sheltie mix: totally true. My dog, Bean, is ¾ sheltie, ¼ Australian sheepdog, and he has one floppy ear and one straight ear. It's really cute, actually.

I wasn't really planning on doing reviewer response, but I figure that I owe to you guys. My creative juices are a little stalled at the moment though, so forgive me if my responses aren't exactly the epitome of wit.

LA Suka: Well, I haven't finished it yet, but we're one step closer!

Ashirum: Don't worry about coherence--my reviews never make much sense. Thank you, and I hope I can continue that natural humor! I'll sure try!

Tira's Host: Don't we all wish that. Good luck with the cat-catching!

Silmirof4077: I'm glad that you like it! Here's your update!

Chrisy Agitado: Well, making people laugh is my favorite thing! I'm glad you enjoy it!

Invader Kiri: I know, I have a real problem with the updating. I think it's a disease, seriously. But maybe I'm a little bit cured, now that I have this chapter up!

Cerrita: Thanks! I worry a lot that I might not be staying totally true to the characters, so I'm glad that you think I'm on the right track!

Schematization: Thanks for all the input! I love getting your long reviews and reading all your thoughts about the story!

Neral Idazmi: Hey, this time it was only….seventeen months. Whoops.

StarTrekObsessed: I know what you mean about the cheesy fics. I'm trying to avoid too much of that in this story, so I'm glad that you like the 'semblance of intellectualism'. (I like that phrase!)

Izzy: No, the idea didn't really come from that. My mom came up with the cat idea, actually, and she was just so thrilled with herself that I had to put it in there. But I'm glad that she suggested it, since everyone seems to like it!

The Tribble Master: I really AM working on NMIS, for real for serious I swear. (Thaat's a real nice sentence. I shure no mi enjlish langage.) I'm just sort of….stuck. It's complicated. But I'm glad that you're so interested in it!

Aura Starfire: I know, I'm real bad about that.

Fractal Pattern: Well? Were you disappointed by the actual discovery? (I hope not! J)

KaliAnn: Yeah, being an aunt is the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I'm thinking that, perhaps in a sequel-type fic, I might have the crewmembers hold a contest to decide the name!

Dada Baggins: Thanks! I really appreciate the compliment. Hopefully I can keep the chapters coming!

Furiae Knight: Hey, I like salmon! Mmmm…salmony goodness. I think my cat used to eat turkey flavored kibble, actually.

HarryEstel: Sorry that I didn't update sooner, but here it is now!

Okay, as a note, I really do want to eventually finish No Moon In Space, for those of you who are wondering. I'm just hitting some tough plot problems, and I'm afraid of making it too long. I don't want to drag it out for twenty more chapters or anything like that, although I probably could, what with all that I've got planned for it. I'm worried that it's getting too tedious, and I want to keep it interesting.

Thanks everyone! Feedback is appreciated!