I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
A/N:- I own none of these characters etc.
indicates Giles.
" " Is just the person on this end of the phone (Buffy's phone.)
** ** indicates Spike in the background of Buffy's house.
~* *~ Indicates Buffy in the background of her house.
The phone rang,
"'Ello?"
Buffy?
"No, sh'not der Shlayer."
Giles raised an eyebrow at the sound of the voice at the other end. He recognised it, but he couldn't put a finger on exactly who it was,
Who is it?
"You'sh gotter gessh. I'sh no' tellin' yer."
Spike? Is that you?
"Aww, yer shpoilt my shurprish. It wazzashecret. Norty Rippa."
What are you doing at Buffy's house? Does she know you're there?
"Der Shlayer? Ohhh yesh, she knowsh I's here. Bu' she dunt know I's on der tellyphone. An' dun' tell 'er. It'sh a shecret, y'hear?"
Um... I see. Spike?
"Yesh?"
Is you..er..*are* you drunk?
He heard a strange sound at Spike's end. If he hadn't know Spike any better, he'd have said it was the giggle of a drunken vampire. But the blonde demon didn't giggle.
"I's no' ash think ash you drun' I am."
Yes...quite...Ah, can I speak to Buffy, please?
The Watcher tried not to laugh as he heard the Slayer's irritated voice in the background. It was slightly muffled but he could still hear what she was saying.
**Spike, what're you doing?**
"Nuttin'. It'sha shurprish. Wai' an' shee!"
Spike, let me talk to her please.
He heard the fumbling as the phone was reluctantly handed over to Buffy who covered the mouth piece while she chided the drunken vampire for being a 'Dumbass' as she put it.
"Giles?"
Buffy, you said you needed to talk to me.
"Yeah, I do - Spike!...get out of my drawers!"
**Aww - shpoilshport.**
"Sorry, Giles. He's drunk again and I didn't think it was fair to hand him over to you. He's acting so wierd."
**I likesh your drawersh. You gotter luverly arsh, you do, Shlayer.**
Giles heard Buffy cover the mouth piece again, and tried to stifle a laugh when he could still hear them.
"You've never seen my butt!"
**Yesh I 'av. Itsh der tight pantsh. Luverly view of your arsh.**
"Oh shut up, dumbass." The phone was uncovered and Giles could practically sense Buffy's blush deepen as the vampire continued his praises of her backside. He tried to ignore it.
So what was it you wanted to tell me?
"It's about ... he's gone."
Who?
"Spike. He's gone somewhere. At least he's still in the house. I wanted to tell you about patrol last night."
Oh?
"I know why the chicken crossed the road."
Really, Buffy, this is no time for jokes, I--
"To take a bite out of the Slayer."
Uh, Pardon?
"This giant chicken, about 2ft high. It chased after me with glowing eyes and tried to bite a chunk out of my leg--"
**She'sh lyin'! It wash her arsh, no' her thigh!**
Both Buffy and Giles heard Spike calling from her bedroom.
"Spike! What the hell are you doing in my room?!"
This time she didn't bother to cover up the phone.
**Admirin' shtuff.**
"Well whatever you're doing, stop it *now*!"
**Awww, you'sh a meanie.**
Buffy returned her attention back to her Watcher,
"See what I mean? Anyway, I was wondering if you knew what this thing was. It had real big teeth and big eyes. Red eyes."
It sounds an awful lot like a basilisk...if you come across it again--
**You'sh a nashty pashty!**
"Ignore him. He's been like this all night."
Um, yes...well, if you happen to come across it again, don't look it in the eye. Try to decapitate it without looking in its eyes, if you do you'll b--
**I knowsh alla your darkesht shecretsh, Shlayer!**
"What are you going on about now? - sorry about this, Giles."
**I's readin' your diary an' it'sh veeery innereshtin'**
Buffy's voice rang out with false cheer as she asked him to hold on a second,
"Can you just hold that thought? Freeze frame. I'll be *right* back."
There was a clunk as the phone was slammed onto the table and Buffy's feet could be heard thudding across the floor.
~* Spike!*~
**Wha'?**
~* Put those *down* right now!!*~
**No. I likesh 'em.**
~* They really don't suit you...and *neither* does *that*! Take them off now!!*~
**Why? I tink i' looksh good on me.**
She lowered her voice slightly,
~* Spike, men don't wears bras.*~
Giles bit his lip, tryed to wash the imagery out of his head and attempted to stifle at the same time. It wasn't working. He'd never be able to look either of them in the eye again. Ever.
**I'sh no' a man. I'sh a vampiya. I wearsh a bra if i wantshta. Sho der.**
~* Spike...those panties aren't mine. Where'd you get them?......they're my *mom's*!! Take them *off* your head!! *~
**If'n I takesh der knickersh off my 'ed, can I keep der bra?**
~* NO!*~
There was a whimper from Spike as she evidently confiscated the bra and knickers and more thudding as she returned to the phone.
"If you heard any of that please tell me so I can shoot myself."
........no. Didn't hear a word......any way, don't look in the basilisk's eyes because it will turn you to stone. Even if it didn't intend to. After you have its head, put it in a box, fill it with concrete and then bury it. Even after death, the creature's head can do serious harm...are you listening?
"Hanging on every word."
Uh...yes. Was that all?
"Um...can I stay at yours tonight? Spike is beginning to scare me."
Oh, yes. Of course.
**Ish you leavin' me, Shlayer?**
"Yesh, I am! - Thanks Giles."
Don't mention it.
Buffy prodded the sleeping vampire,
"Wake up, dumbass."
"Sod off, bitch."
He slowly sat up and looked around him. He was in the Slayer's bed. Wearing a black padded bra on his head and a pair of knickers on each foot. Buffy stood back and folded her arms, feeling rather triumphant as Spike began to blush a dark red and looked at her imporingly as he saw the variety of underwear scattered across the room.
"Please tell me I didn't do this."
"Oh no, you definately did it. You also tried to get away with wearing my mother's panties on your head."
He rubbed his eyes and his voice softened,
"Buffy, Pet, be a love and get me an aspirin?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Not until you've tidied all this up."
"Only if you promise never to tell me what I did last night."
"What, you mean like telling me I had a lovely ass? And saying you had a great view of it 'cause of my tight pants?"
"Oh bugger, I didn't."
"Oh no, you did. Ask Giles."
"What's he got to do with this?...oh. The phone."
A/N:- I own none of these characters etc.
indicates Giles.
" " Is just the person on this end of the phone (Buffy's phone.)
** ** indicates Spike in the background of Buffy's house.
~* *~ Indicates Buffy in the background of her house.
The phone rang,
"'Ello?"
Buffy?
"No, sh'not der Shlayer."
Giles raised an eyebrow at the sound of the voice at the other end. He recognised it, but he couldn't put a finger on exactly who it was,
Who is it?
"You'sh gotter gessh. I'sh no' tellin' yer."
Spike? Is that you?
"Aww, yer shpoilt my shurprish. It wazzashecret. Norty Rippa."
What are you doing at Buffy's house? Does she know you're there?
"Der Shlayer? Ohhh yesh, she knowsh I's here. Bu' she dunt know I's on der tellyphone. An' dun' tell 'er. It'sh a shecret, y'hear?"
Um... I see. Spike?
"Yesh?"
Is you..er..*are* you drunk?
He heard a strange sound at Spike's end. If he hadn't know Spike any better, he'd have said it was the giggle of a drunken vampire. But the blonde demon didn't giggle.
"I's no' ash think ash you drun' I am."
Yes...quite...Ah, can I speak to Buffy, please?
The Watcher tried not to laugh as he heard the Slayer's irritated voice in the background. It was slightly muffled but he could still hear what she was saying.
**Spike, what're you doing?**
"Nuttin'. It'sha shurprish. Wai' an' shee!"
Spike, let me talk to her please.
He heard the fumbling as the phone was reluctantly handed over to Buffy who covered the mouth piece while she chided the drunken vampire for being a 'Dumbass' as she put it.
"Giles?"
Buffy, you said you needed to talk to me.
"Yeah, I do - Spike!...get out of my drawers!"
**Aww - shpoilshport.**
"Sorry, Giles. He's drunk again and I didn't think it was fair to hand him over to you. He's acting so wierd."
**I likesh your drawersh. You gotter luverly arsh, you do, Shlayer.**
Giles heard Buffy cover the mouth piece again, and tried to stifle a laugh when he could still hear them.
"You've never seen my butt!"
**Yesh I 'av. Itsh der tight pantsh. Luverly view of your arsh.**
"Oh shut up, dumbass." The phone was uncovered and Giles could practically sense Buffy's blush deepen as the vampire continued his praises of her backside. He tried to ignore it.
So what was it you wanted to tell me?
"It's about ... he's gone."
Who?
"Spike. He's gone somewhere. At least he's still in the house. I wanted to tell you about patrol last night."
Oh?
"I know why the chicken crossed the road."
Really, Buffy, this is no time for jokes, I--
"To take a bite out of the Slayer."
Uh, Pardon?
"This giant chicken, about 2ft high. It chased after me with glowing eyes and tried to bite a chunk out of my leg--"
**She'sh lyin'! It wash her arsh, no' her thigh!**
Both Buffy and Giles heard Spike calling from her bedroom.
"Spike! What the hell are you doing in my room?!"
This time she didn't bother to cover up the phone.
**Admirin' shtuff.**
"Well whatever you're doing, stop it *now*!"
**Awww, you'sh a meanie.**
Buffy returned her attention back to her Watcher,
"See what I mean? Anyway, I was wondering if you knew what this thing was. It had real big teeth and big eyes. Red eyes."
It sounds an awful lot like a basilisk...if you come across it again--
**You'sh a nashty pashty!**
"Ignore him. He's been like this all night."
Um, yes...well, if you happen to come across it again, don't look it in the eye. Try to decapitate it without looking in its eyes, if you do you'll b--
**I knowsh alla your darkesht shecretsh, Shlayer!**
"What are you going on about now? - sorry about this, Giles."
**I's readin' your diary an' it'sh veeery innereshtin'**
Buffy's voice rang out with false cheer as she asked him to hold on a second,
"Can you just hold that thought? Freeze frame. I'll be *right* back."
There was a clunk as the phone was slammed onto the table and Buffy's feet could be heard thudding across the floor.
~* Spike!*~
**Wha'?**
~* Put those *down* right now!!*~
**No. I likesh 'em.**
~* They really don't suit you...and *neither* does *that*! Take them off now!!*~
**Why? I tink i' looksh good on me.**
She lowered her voice slightly,
~* Spike, men don't wears bras.*~
Giles bit his lip, tryed to wash the imagery out of his head and attempted to stifle at the same time. It wasn't working. He'd never be able to look either of them in the eye again. Ever.
**I'sh no' a man. I'sh a vampiya. I wearsh a bra if i wantshta. Sho der.**
~* Spike...those panties aren't mine. Where'd you get them?......they're my *mom's*!! Take them *off* your head!! *~
**If'n I takesh der knickersh off my 'ed, can I keep der bra?**
~* NO!*~
There was a whimper from Spike as she evidently confiscated the bra and knickers and more thudding as she returned to the phone.
"If you heard any of that please tell me so I can shoot myself."
........no. Didn't hear a word......any way, don't look in the basilisk's eyes because it will turn you to stone. Even if it didn't intend to. After you have its head, put it in a box, fill it with concrete and then bury it. Even after death, the creature's head can do serious harm...are you listening?
"Hanging on every word."
Uh...yes. Was that all?
"Um...can I stay at yours tonight? Spike is beginning to scare me."
Oh, yes. Of course.
**Ish you leavin' me, Shlayer?**
"Yesh, I am! - Thanks Giles."
Don't mention it.
Buffy prodded the sleeping vampire,
"Wake up, dumbass."
"Sod off, bitch."
He slowly sat up and looked around him. He was in the Slayer's bed. Wearing a black padded bra on his head and a pair of knickers on each foot. Buffy stood back and folded her arms, feeling rather triumphant as Spike began to blush a dark red and looked at her imporingly as he saw the variety of underwear scattered across the room.
"Please tell me I didn't do this."
"Oh no, you definately did it. You also tried to get away with wearing my mother's panties on your head."
He rubbed his eyes and his voice softened,
"Buffy, Pet, be a love and get me an aspirin?"
"No."
"Please?"
"Not until you've tidied all this up."
"Only if you promise never to tell me what I did last night."
"What, you mean like telling me I had a lovely ass? And saying you had a great view of it 'cause of my tight pants?"
"Oh bugger, I didn't."
"Oh no, you did. Ask Giles."
"What's he got to do with this?...oh. The phone."