A/N: I'm baaaaaaaack!!! Yes indeedy, I'm back, as promised, with the
second volume of our dear Ring's excellent adventures. I'd like to take
this time to welcome any new readers I may have attracted. This is part
two of an on-going epic, best understood if part one has been read. Part
one, aptly named "Alfonso the Ring," can be found on my author page. I
highly recommend that you go read it (if you haven't already), but if you
really really reeeeeeally don't want to, there is a quick recap of the
first part right after my author's notes. For my returning readers, a big
I LOVE YOU!!! I'm so glad that you're still interested in Al. I love you.
::nods::
Quick Recap: Long ago, Sauron made a ring, brought it to life, and named him Alfonso. Sauron then took over the world. The simple, uneducated folk connected the dots and decided that Alfonso must be the source of Sauron's power---trouble was, the ring had nothing to do with it. So for thousands of years, people continued to think that Alfonso had evil powers, when in reality he did not. Fast-forward a few millennia. Frodo and co. set out to destroy the perfectly innocent Al, and yes, he is pissed. The only person who knows he is not evil is Gandalf, but Gandalf is too busy getting killed by a Balrog to help him out. Al eventually convinces Frodo that he doesn't possess evil powers, but by then they've already sailed to Mordor. Frodo tells him not to worry, the hobbit will think of a plan before they reach Mt. Doom. Al is not altogether comforted. And it is here, as Sam is plotting to kill the Ring and Frodo is trying to convince him otherwise, as Legolas and Aragorn are running around the rolling hillsides hunting orcs, as Gimli is trailing unathletically behind them, that the narrative ended.
Disclaimers: Okay, look, after a prologue and thirty chapters, you really should know that the LotR universe does not belong to me. If you still think I own, am affiliated with, receive money from, or am otherwise acknowledged by the Tolkein estate, kindly go to a quiet corner and shoot yourself. Rid us of your stupidity. Thank you.
Chapter 1: The Walk to Mordor - - -
I spy with my little eye, something...gray.
"A rock?"
Yes! Good job! Okay, another one. This one's tougher. Let's see. I spy with my little eye...something gray.
Frodo sighed wearily. "Another rock?"
Damn, you're good! Okay, betcha can't get this one---
"Ring. Please." Frodo passed a hand over his face, paused to rub at his temples, then sat down heavily.
Sam was at his side instantly. "Mr. Frodo, the Ring has been bothering you, hasn't it? An evil burden to bear," he said gravely, shooting me a snide look. "Evil, evil Ring. It pains my heart to see you suffer so, Mr. Frodo. Here, let me hug you and make it all better.
Frodo quickly brushed him off. "That's quite unnecessary, Sam, but thank you."
The three of us had been walking for some time. The journey was excruciating and draining. I blame Sam entirely. From the second he got into the boat, he had been goading me, trying to turn Frodo against me, doing everything he could to make sure that I would get tossed into a fiery death for good. He had also been coming onto Frodo. A lot. Like, a =lot=. A disturbingly large portion of his waking hours was spent thinking up ways to touch Frodo. And god knows what he spends his sleeping hours dreaming about...::shudder::
I took a look around the vast, desolate stretch of rocks and more rocks. There was a high possibility that I was going to die in the near future, and =this= is how I'm spending my last days??? Wandering around the most depressing place on the planet with Mr. Angst-Boy and his sidekick The Amazing Talking Fucktard?!?! Christ.
To make my life even better, Sam turned around and announced, "I think we're lost, Mr. Frodo."
Wait, 'lost'? How the hell can we possibly be lost?! See that big mountain? All we have to do is walk towards it. Point A to point B. Straight line. Simple. There's no way in hell we can miss the big mountain. All we gotta do is move forwards. That can't be too difficult, even for you.
We walked some more, and then a thought occurred to me. You know what? If you dickheads want to be lost, we can be lost. I don't mind. In fact, it'd be perfectly okay with me if we never reach Mt. Doom. We can be as lost as you want.
"Never worry, Mr. Frodo. We're not lost. I'll lead us right to that mountain, sure and true." Sam trudged determinedly ahead, shoulders squared and jaw set.
Three hours later, Frodo coughed politely. "Sam? Perhaps I'm mistaken, but these rocks look awfully familiar."
Of course they do. We've passed them before. Several times.
"We're walking in circles," Frodo stated flatly.
See, I knew we shouldn't have let Sam take the lead. He has to be the only idiot on this Earth capable of taking an entirely simple straight line and confusing it with a circle.
Sam attempted to divert attention from his stupidity by pointing out a random fact. "Do you smell that horrid stink, Mr. Frodo? I warrant there's a nasty bog nearby."
I warrant there's a nasty fat hobbit who hasn't bathed for weeks nearby.
Before a nasty fight could break out about who was nastier, Frodo piped up.
"We're not alone."
Oooookay. Um, thanks for that bit of info, just out of the blue there. It's very deep and philosophical. 'No man is an island,' and all that. I'm not sure why we're getting into metaphysics when we've got so many other problems at hand here, but if---
"No! I mean literally! We're being followed."
Who in the name of hell would be stupid enough to follow us in this godforsaken place? Scratch that...who in the name of hell would be stupid enough to follow =us=, anywhere??? =I= wouldn't follow us if I had a choice! Why would anyone do it willingly?
"I don't know," Frodo replied, "but I am deeply troubled by this. It can only lead to no good."
Hey, leave the paranoia to Legolas, okay?
"I think Mr. Frodo is right to be cautious," Sam said. Of course you would, you ingratiating rapist. "In fact, I have a plan."
Oh lord preserve us, the fucktard has a plan.
Unfortunately, Frodo was quite taken with Sam's plan, which involved pretending to be asleep, luring our stalker closer, and then pouncing on him. The second the sun set, the hobbits put the plan into action. Frodo warned me to keep my mouth shut, and then smacked me when I pointed out that I technically have no mouth to open. Sam smirked, certain that he was winning Frodo over. But then Frodo made him sleep in his own sleeping bag, so there.
So we laid there, with nothing but the howling wind to keep us company. Before long, we heard the scuffling of someone clambering around on the rocks directly above us. A strangely familiar voice whispered something I couldn't quite catch. I snuck a quick look upwards.
Fuck.
It was him.
"My precioussssssss!!! Yessss...we've found you at last, my darling. Destiny has brought us together, because we were meant to be! You can't deny us, precioussssss...you lovesss us!"
The second Gollum got close enough, Sam and Frodo jumped up and grabbed him by his wrists. Gollum shrieked, then realized that I was just in his reach. He pounced.
Aaaaarrrggghhh, no! Keep your filthy hands away from me!!! Back! Back! I told you, it's over! Get the fuck over it! Why don't you find a nice female mutated swamp creature to marry, and leave the fuck alone?! Go on! Go!
"Mr. Frodo! Get your hands off him, you disgusting beast!"
"Sam, get your hands off of my crotch!"
"It was the creature, I swear!"
After a good fifteen minutes of wrestling, Frodo got me away from Gollum, and Gollum got Sam in a chokehold. A very nice, professional-quality chokehold, too. Frodo let him strangle Sam for a few seconds, but then pulled out his sword.
"You have three seconds to let go of him until I bury this blade into your neck," Frodo said, with a convincing little jab.
Gollum quickly obeyed. And then burst out crying.
"It'sssss not fair!!!!! Just because we is ugly, and youses aren't, my preciousssssss won't love us!!! It loves you!!! It belongs to no one but usss! You've ssstolen the one thing my heart desires, the one we were meant to marry! We were supposed to be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever! We were going to have babiesesssss, and a house with a white picket fence and a dog in the front yard! My precioussssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Um. Ring? Do you have something you'd like to tell us?" Frodo asked, lowering his sword.
Frodo. Samwise. Meet Gollum, my ex-boyfriend.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TBC
I'm keeping the first chapter fairly short. The next one will most likely be longer, and I'll try really hard to not take the usual two to three weeks to update. Really! Now go review.
Quick Recap: Long ago, Sauron made a ring, brought it to life, and named him Alfonso. Sauron then took over the world. The simple, uneducated folk connected the dots and decided that Alfonso must be the source of Sauron's power---trouble was, the ring had nothing to do with it. So for thousands of years, people continued to think that Alfonso had evil powers, when in reality he did not. Fast-forward a few millennia. Frodo and co. set out to destroy the perfectly innocent Al, and yes, he is pissed. The only person who knows he is not evil is Gandalf, but Gandalf is too busy getting killed by a Balrog to help him out. Al eventually convinces Frodo that he doesn't possess evil powers, but by then they've already sailed to Mordor. Frodo tells him not to worry, the hobbit will think of a plan before they reach Mt. Doom. Al is not altogether comforted. And it is here, as Sam is plotting to kill the Ring and Frodo is trying to convince him otherwise, as Legolas and Aragorn are running around the rolling hillsides hunting orcs, as Gimli is trailing unathletically behind them, that the narrative ended.
Disclaimers: Okay, look, after a prologue and thirty chapters, you really should know that the LotR universe does not belong to me. If you still think I own, am affiliated with, receive money from, or am otherwise acknowledged by the Tolkein estate, kindly go to a quiet corner and shoot yourself. Rid us of your stupidity. Thank you.
Chapter 1: The Walk to Mordor - - -
I spy with my little eye, something...gray.
"A rock?"
Yes! Good job! Okay, another one. This one's tougher. Let's see. I spy with my little eye...something gray.
Frodo sighed wearily. "Another rock?"
Damn, you're good! Okay, betcha can't get this one---
"Ring. Please." Frodo passed a hand over his face, paused to rub at his temples, then sat down heavily.
Sam was at his side instantly. "Mr. Frodo, the Ring has been bothering you, hasn't it? An evil burden to bear," he said gravely, shooting me a snide look. "Evil, evil Ring. It pains my heart to see you suffer so, Mr. Frodo. Here, let me hug you and make it all better.
Frodo quickly brushed him off. "That's quite unnecessary, Sam, but thank you."
The three of us had been walking for some time. The journey was excruciating and draining. I blame Sam entirely. From the second he got into the boat, he had been goading me, trying to turn Frodo against me, doing everything he could to make sure that I would get tossed into a fiery death for good. He had also been coming onto Frodo. A lot. Like, a =lot=. A disturbingly large portion of his waking hours was spent thinking up ways to touch Frodo. And god knows what he spends his sleeping hours dreaming about...::shudder::
I took a look around the vast, desolate stretch of rocks and more rocks. There was a high possibility that I was going to die in the near future, and =this= is how I'm spending my last days??? Wandering around the most depressing place on the planet with Mr. Angst-Boy and his sidekick The Amazing Talking Fucktard?!?! Christ.
To make my life even better, Sam turned around and announced, "I think we're lost, Mr. Frodo."
Wait, 'lost'? How the hell can we possibly be lost?! See that big mountain? All we have to do is walk towards it. Point A to point B. Straight line. Simple. There's no way in hell we can miss the big mountain. All we gotta do is move forwards. That can't be too difficult, even for you.
We walked some more, and then a thought occurred to me. You know what? If you dickheads want to be lost, we can be lost. I don't mind. In fact, it'd be perfectly okay with me if we never reach Mt. Doom. We can be as lost as you want.
"Never worry, Mr. Frodo. We're not lost. I'll lead us right to that mountain, sure and true." Sam trudged determinedly ahead, shoulders squared and jaw set.
Three hours later, Frodo coughed politely. "Sam? Perhaps I'm mistaken, but these rocks look awfully familiar."
Of course they do. We've passed them before. Several times.
"We're walking in circles," Frodo stated flatly.
See, I knew we shouldn't have let Sam take the lead. He has to be the only idiot on this Earth capable of taking an entirely simple straight line and confusing it with a circle.
Sam attempted to divert attention from his stupidity by pointing out a random fact. "Do you smell that horrid stink, Mr. Frodo? I warrant there's a nasty bog nearby."
I warrant there's a nasty fat hobbit who hasn't bathed for weeks nearby.
Before a nasty fight could break out about who was nastier, Frodo piped up.
"We're not alone."
Oooookay. Um, thanks for that bit of info, just out of the blue there. It's very deep and philosophical. 'No man is an island,' and all that. I'm not sure why we're getting into metaphysics when we've got so many other problems at hand here, but if---
"No! I mean literally! We're being followed."
Who in the name of hell would be stupid enough to follow us in this godforsaken place? Scratch that...who in the name of hell would be stupid enough to follow =us=, anywhere??? =I= wouldn't follow us if I had a choice! Why would anyone do it willingly?
"I don't know," Frodo replied, "but I am deeply troubled by this. It can only lead to no good."
Hey, leave the paranoia to Legolas, okay?
"I think Mr. Frodo is right to be cautious," Sam said. Of course you would, you ingratiating rapist. "In fact, I have a plan."
Oh lord preserve us, the fucktard has a plan.
Unfortunately, Frodo was quite taken with Sam's plan, which involved pretending to be asleep, luring our stalker closer, and then pouncing on him. The second the sun set, the hobbits put the plan into action. Frodo warned me to keep my mouth shut, and then smacked me when I pointed out that I technically have no mouth to open. Sam smirked, certain that he was winning Frodo over. But then Frodo made him sleep in his own sleeping bag, so there.
So we laid there, with nothing but the howling wind to keep us company. Before long, we heard the scuffling of someone clambering around on the rocks directly above us. A strangely familiar voice whispered something I couldn't quite catch. I snuck a quick look upwards.
Fuck.
It was him.
"My precioussssssss!!! Yessss...we've found you at last, my darling. Destiny has brought us together, because we were meant to be! You can't deny us, precioussssss...you lovesss us!"
The second Gollum got close enough, Sam and Frodo jumped up and grabbed him by his wrists. Gollum shrieked, then realized that I was just in his reach. He pounced.
Aaaaarrrggghhh, no! Keep your filthy hands away from me!!! Back! Back! I told you, it's over! Get the fuck over it! Why don't you find a nice female mutated swamp creature to marry, and leave the fuck alone?! Go on! Go!
"Mr. Frodo! Get your hands off him, you disgusting beast!"
"Sam, get your hands off of my crotch!"
"It was the creature, I swear!"
After a good fifteen minutes of wrestling, Frodo got me away from Gollum, and Gollum got Sam in a chokehold. A very nice, professional-quality chokehold, too. Frodo let him strangle Sam for a few seconds, but then pulled out his sword.
"You have three seconds to let go of him until I bury this blade into your neck," Frodo said, with a convincing little jab.
Gollum quickly obeyed. And then burst out crying.
"It'sssss not fair!!!!! Just because we is ugly, and youses aren't, my preciousssssss won't love us!!! It loves you!!! It belongs to no one but usss! You've ssstolen the one thing my heart desires, the one we were meant to marry! We were supposed to be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever! We were going to have babiesesssss, and a house with a white picket fence and a dog in the front yard! My precioussssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Um. Ring? Do you have something you'd like to tell us?" Frodo asked, lowering his sword.
Frodo. Samwise. Meet Gollum, my ex-boyfriend.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TBC
I'm keeping the first chapter fairly short. The next one will most likely be longer, and I'll try really hard to not take the usual two to three weeks to update. Really! Now go review.