I was having a very in-depth discussion with a friend the other day, about why Galadriel got kicked out of the undying lands, the Rohirrim being late to Gondor on account of them getting lost in their own country, and whether Saruman's pipeweed affected more than those fingernails…
Try conducting a conversation like that in a serious manner whilst having "a pirate's life for me" from Pirates of the Caribbean stuck in your head…
Then I got to thinking, what if a certain pirate captain had been part of Lord of the Rings? So, here are a few scenes that seemed to jump out…
The company of Hobbits had just arrived at the Grey Havens to send off Bilbo. Galadriel began to give a speech when suddenly Elrond gave a shout, and Frodo pulled out sting, rushing towards a strange-looking person standing at the helm of the elven-ship.
He was rather average in height, but nothing else about the man could possibly be called average by any stretch of the imagination. His clothing resembled a clowns attire crossed with a sailors, and his hair resembled a rat's nest full of beads.
"OI! You're not allowed on there!" bellowed Elrond.
The person at the helm merely looked a tad miffed, and pulled a pout.
"I'm sorry, it's just - it's such a pretty boat. Ship." He said, grinning widely from under his very large triangular hat.
"What are you doing?" asked Frodo indignantly.
"Well then," said the fellow with a strange accent. "I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out!" he looked thoughtful for a moment, before adding, "Like to come along?"
Bilbo stared at him for a long moment, and then suddenly cracked a huge grin. "I think I'm quite ready for another adventure!" he and the others began towards the ship, Pippin was practically bouncing.
"Great! Where are we going?"
Gollum and CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow were having an argument.
"Nasssty little pitaresssesss! They ssstole it from usss!" hissed Gollum.
"Actually…" began Jack. There was a resounding 'SMACK!' as Gollum slapped Jack across the face, still fuming.
"… borrowed. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of giving it back to you."
Gollum turned his back, mumbling to himself. "Nasssty little piratesssesss, I told you they wasss tricksssy!"
Frodo is standing by a pool below a waterfall, trying to coax out Sméagol. "Sméagol, you must trust master. Follow me, come on. Come. Come Sméagol, nice Sméagol, that's it. Come on…"
Jack Sparrow is sitting on a rock, not far away, staring at the sky.
"You can keep doing that forever, the thing is never going to move." He says without turning his head.
It is a beautiful day in the shire, Sam and Rosie stand in the middle of a large crowd of hobbits, smiling broadly and holding hands. Suddenly, a head pops over the hedge.
"A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!" exclaims the face over the hedge.
Merry and Pippin are dancing on a table, sloshing their drinks all over their audience, who don't seem to care.
"Oh you can search far and wide,
You can drink the whole town dry,
But you'll never find a beer so brown,
As the one we drink in our hometown.
You can keep your fancy ales,
You can drink them by the flagon,
But the only brew for the brave and true,
Comes from the Green Dragon!"
"That's the spirit!" grins Jack Sparrow, jumping onto the table as well. "How about this one next?
We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves
Drink up me hearties, yo ho
We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs
Drink up me hearties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"
Gollum is singing to his reflection in a pool, "A pirate'sssesss life for meeeeee!"