Seized With Life - Chapter Five: I Dream

"They cried out to the mountains and the rocks, 'Fall on us and hide us from the face of the one who sits on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb, because the great day of their wrath has come and who can withstand it?' "
-Revelation 6: 16-17

"Humans make mistakes. There is no way around it. It comes down to matter of it being our nature. It's innate to our very existence. The problem is alot of people don't admit to mistakes or they don't realize their mistakes. Pride can be a very dangerous thing. But for me, pride doesn't matter that much. I admit to my mistakes. Lord knows I've made plenty of them. I couldn't use pride for an excuse even if I wanted to. My reaction to my mistakes comes from the opposite end of the spectrum. I fear them. I've lived my whole life in fear from clowns to seagulls to fearing life itself. As I've moved through life, though, my fears have changed. All except one fear that is. I've always feared mistakes. I'll admit to them, and then I'll run from them. Mistakes just knock me down another notch, or make me have to feel another person's pain in addition to my own. I've always been terrible at facing pain. It hurts. But what's worse is someone else's pain. At least with your own you can feel out what is wrong. You have access to every fiber of your being from your mind to your heart to your soul. When you are dealing with another person you can only scratch the surface, because you become responsible for something you can't understand. I hate having someone else's pain or their burden hanging over me. I can barely deal with my own. Everyone is dealt their own hand in life so each person can deal with their own specific problems. I don't mope around to others and have them deal with my problems and pain so why should I have to shoulder someone else's? I have plenty to worry about already. Pain is inevitable. At some point and time everyone will be afflicted by it. It is unpredictable and can instantly appear. That's why everyone must always be prepared to face pain. If you are ready for it then it will soften the blow and you can handle it by yourself. There should be no need for any assistance. This is what I believe. That's what I think, but then that begs the question, if I believe it why do I have to repeat it to myself? Maybe I'm just trying to fool myself."

"So here I am looking out at the water that I swam in 35 years ago. A storm has broken over this town and it's raining enough for a flood. Lightning and thunder are repeatedly tearing through the sky and the wind might take out a few of the buildings behind me. It's dangerous, so why am I still standing out here? Probably because I can't bring myself to move. I can identify with the weather, it's like a brother to me. It seems very fitting for me. I'm a mix of sadness and anger right now. I think anybody would be considering what I've been told. Words can't really describe the feeling of hearing that one of your friend's is dead, another is a drug addict, and another was suicidal. Then as if that isn't horrible enough but your one friend blames you for it. I've never felt such pain,...... and I hate it. Part of me wants to cry and another part of me wants to scream till I pass out. It hurt alot to leave this town and my friends, but it was something I had no control over. How can I be blamed for that? I guess I could have been in contact with everyone... But I just couldn't do that. I.... feared it. Once again there is fear running my life. I think I'm a coward. I never stood up for myself. I just complained and blamed others. Tish blamed me for her suffering, and I blamed my mom for mine. We wanted to pass the responsibility. We're both weak and we're both cowards. We are human. Neither of us can accept our own pain so we take the coward's way out. We try to blame someone else. I congratulate you now. You've accomplished that. You have given your pain to me, I feel it now. Not only that but I can feel Carver and Lor's pain as well. I can barely stand it. My pain, your pain.... why did you do this to me? I hate you for it. I hate all of you. Not just because of making me suffer, but because I always respected you all. Every one of you failed me. I had confidence in you to be able to make something of yourselves one day. Couldn't any of you find out how to stand on your own two feet? I hate you all for relying on me. I don't have the strength to be a leader. You should have known that...... Why didn't you know that?"

"Everything in front of me is becoming a blur. The tears in my eyes won't let me see things as they are. They are diluting my hatred. My whole body is shaking. Sadness is washing over me now. I want to keep on hating you, but I think that's running away. If I hate you it's the same as blaming you, isn't it? I'm not sure, but I think my heart wants me to believe that. I'm completely drenched from the rain. All of my clothes are sticking to me, and it makes me feel even worse. I may not be able to clearly make out what I see but I can tell that the water is rough out there. The waves are large and they are eating away at the beach. I've never seen water so dark in all of my life. It looks like a sea of darkness swallowing up all who enter it never to return again. Why did I return to Bahia Bay? Maybe it was fate that led me here. I felt something when I got that letter. I knew it was true, I knew I had to go. Maybe I came here to soothe my conscience. I needed to see mom again after blaming her for so long, and this was going to be my last chance. But when I saw her, I couldn't even remember blaming her. It was the most distant thing from my mind. I'm thinking about it now, so mother...... forgive me. I'm sorry that I didn't fufill your wish of getting to see me again. I haven't cried like this in a long, long time. To think I used to be one of the most emotional kids in school. I forgot just how warm tears are. It almost feels good to have them run down my face again...... Wait, there out on the water. You are there. Everyone is there. Lor, Carver, Tish, and mom, all of you are standing there and you are all smiling. I can see you through my tears. Why? After what I put you through, moving away, blaming you, and not speaking to you, why are you smiling at me? I don't understand. I failed all of you. You shouldn't be smiling at me...... Unless, you still have faith in me. I know! We can all be together again! If I make the right choice it will be like none of you are gone. I can still make things right. I thought I might be losing my mind, but I've never thought so clear in my life. Can all of you see this light too? You must be able to because you have shown it to me. When one admits their mistakes, they can do something about it. They can help to right the wrong. All of you look at me now, I am dedicated to you now. You have given me the courage to make my choice. I must hold that courage in order to follow through. I will become a man of dreams. This is my dream, and I will fufill it for myself and for all of you. Now more than ever, I mustn't let fear in my way. I will not run away."

Further down the road the woman stood, having watched Tino the entire time. She had hidden herself from view otherwise the final part of her plan wouldn't have worked. She was soaked and her hair was matted down in front of her face, but tears falling down her face were still visible. Her tears were caught by her smile before they continued on falling to the ground. Everything that she had planned had worked perfectly as if guided by a greater power. Tino received the letter and came to town and then he followed her through town convinently stopping at all the right places. She knew she could count on Dixon being by the water and she could tell by Tino's reaction that everything that needed to be said was spoken. The woman's tears continued to flow, her feelings an eclectic mix that words couldn't do justice. She spoke aloud, but a clap of thunder made her words only audible to herself. And those were the only words she needed to speak. She reached down and ran her fingers across the scars on her wrists and smiled until she cried some more. She was no longer the only one who knew that pain. It all became as distant as a dream, fluttering by like the most beautiful butterflies one can imagine. Tino finally took the responsibility so that past and that pain it existed no more.

THE END

"I dream........ do you?"