Disclaimer: Don't own, have no relation to Gundam Wing or any of its characters, making no profit from this, yadda yadda I'm really tired of writing disclaimers.
Summary: Duo realizes Heero doesn't like him. Heero realizes that he does. [Warning: in 3 parts. First part angst, second part will attract ants, third part might burn rubber all the way up to R.]
During the war, I was the only one who could get through to Heero, if you don't count Relena (and she only did it by annoying the hell out of him). I got him to trust me, to rely (sometimes, anyway) on me, to even smile at me – though that was a once-in-a-polka-dotted moon thing. I strove to make him see me as an equal, a partner he could fully depend on, and I like to think I succeeded. We made a great team, the best team, if I do say so myself. And somewhere along the way, I realized why his regard was so important to me – I'd gone and fallen in love with the oblivious idiot.
If course, being the Perfect Soldier and all, he believed showing emotion was a weakness. Oh, sure, following emotion was the way to go, but actually showing it? The horror! Only a few times have I seen him so deeply affected by something that he shows it physically. A smile here, a few smirks there, a huge emotional breakdown after the whole Noventa thing (okay, not exactly). In any case, I wasn't about to risk the tentative friendship we shared by dumping on him a whole load of emotions and feelings he wasn't comfortable with and make him clam up again. Anyway, I was pretty sure that it was just a matter of time before 'Heero and I' became 'us', so I wasn't about to rush it.
If only I'd known.
It was a Thursday, late autumn. Heero had just offed to work at the Preventers' HQ and I was in our shared apartment, dealing with the business end of Hilde's and my salvage company. See, that was another proof of our special bond, Heero and I – he wouldn't let just anyone share an apartment with him, would he? So there I was, staring at the desktop computer and thinking about how I might have to get spectacles if staring at the screen was going to become a habit, when the phone rang. Funny how it always does that.
The caller ID said that it was Wufei on the line, which surprised me a little, since the guy wasn't the type to call during missions and I knew he was on one. His partner was Sally (yes, couples can be partners if they fill out the relevant forms and get approved by Scary Une) and she'd mentioned something about a long mission around this time.
"Hel – "
"Hello? Odin? Is that you?"
I blinked.
"Uh… what?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, is Odin there? This is Leiran."
"…Leiran?"
There was an exasperated sigh. "Yes, Leiran. You must be Shin, Odin's new roommate?"
"Oh!" The light bulb finally lit, and I smacked myself for being so dense. Man, peace really dented my soldier's instincts. "Yes, Leiran, I remember Odin talking about you. Sorry, it takes me a while to process things. You were saying? Oh, yes, Odin's out."
"He is? I really needed to talk to him. Never mind, could I leave him a message?"
"Sure. Hold on a sec while I get paper and pen."
I dashed to my room, grabbed the old, ancient tape recorder from underneath the pile of junk from my desk, and ran back out, picking up pen and paper as I did so.
"Hey, Leiran. Dictate away."
He rattled off some junk about delayed flights and people with weird names, and I dutifully scribbled down what little I could understand, to make the pauses and sounds seem more authentic, while the little recorder whirred silently in the background. When he was done, I said cheerily, "I'll make sure he gets this, don't worry."
"Thank you, Shin. Make sure he gets that quickly. Give my regards to him as well."
"Will do. See ya!"
"Goodbye."
He hung up and I hit the stop button on the recorder as I replaced the phone. A quick change of clothes and I was out of the door, jumping down the stairs two at a time and dashing out the door, grabbing my beat-up Chevvy and breaking the speed limit to the Preventers'. Wufei couldn't call the HQ itself, of course, but it had to be important if he'd call me in the middle of the mission and he'd want me to get whatever it was to Une as soon as possible. Not to Heero, like the phone call implied – he just used 'Odin' to try to clue me in to his need for secrecy. I could understand that, at least.
I haphazardly parked my car in Wufei's allocated spot and jogged into the reception area. Going over to the receptionist, I smiled sweetly and her and asked if she could connect me to Une. The girl blushed and quickly did so; and it was only when Une's voice barked, audible even past the receiver, "Yes?" that she remembered the correct procedure.
"Commander! I – that is – "
"Do you not know the correct procedure for calls?" Une's voice snapped, and I intervened. Leaning over the desk, I gave the poor girl an easy grin and gently took the phone from her. "Relax, lady, it's just me," I said into the receiver. "I needed some way to get to you quickly."
Une sighed, knowing full well how strong my charm could be. "Only you, Maxwell. What do you want?" she asked with a hint of amusement.
"Wufei called."
Her tone immediately sharpened. "Chang? But he's – get up here now, Maxwell."
"Yes, ma'am!" I grinned and put the phone down. I turned to the receptionist, who was staring at me with wide eyes, and winked. "Nice meeting you," I told her cheerily, and hurried off to Une's office.
Five minutes later, tape recording delivered and formal thanks received from the scary lady herself, I found myself in the Preventers' HQ with nothing to do. I'd just driven all the way here, and to go back after less than ten minutes was such a waste. Of course, there was one obvious solution…
Humming happily, I took the lift down to the eighth floor, where – surprise, surprise, Heero's office was. Deciding to surprise him (because that look on his face was just too damn funny – and rare), I slipped unnoticed into the main room. It took me a moment to find Heero's office door, because the cubicles in the centre of the room were cluttered with people.
Using that handy little trick of blending in we'd all perfected during the war, I made it to the little alcove where the coffee was, between the door to Heero's office and the door to the main room. Slipping inside for a while (to grab some free coffee, yes, I admit it), I observed the room, letting the sounds wash over me while I sipped my (obviously 3-in-1 from the unauthentic taste) coffee, until I heard Heero's name. There were two girls, a couple of desks to the side of the alcove. I moved forward slightly to hear better.
" – make a great couple! I mean, both are so gorgeous!"
"Yeah, aren't they? And I heard he's always hanging around Mr Yuy! I don't know his personality that well, rumours say he's a bit of a flirt and he's nasty sometimes but Mr Johansson's always so nice to me and the girls!"
"It's fate, I guess, that they're partners, huh?"
"Nah, by that logic then Mr Yuy's housemate would be an even better partner for him! I mean, they live together, right?"
"Oh, but I overheard them talking. He was asking Mr Yuy why he didn't just move out of the apartment he shared with – get this – some charity case he picked off the street!"
I found my fist clenching on the Styrofoam cup in my hand and quickly set it down on the floor behind me, moving even closer.
"Really? Oh, he's so kind! He doesn't seem the sort."
"Yeah, I know. Apparently, it's some street rat he found during the war, a messy slob of a boy who makes the entire house a mess. Mr Johansson's been there before, when the boy wasn't home, and he's seen the state of things."
"Oh, poor Mr Yuy! He's so strict about neatness and cleanliness, isn't he?"
"Yes, he is."
I jolted at the cold voice. Zechs?
"Who told you all this?"
"I – I overheard Mr Johansson telling it to Mr Yuy."
"And did Mr Yuy agree with all that Mr Johansson was saying?"
"He – he didn't deny it, he just made that 'hn' noise he always does – "
"That will do. In the future please refrain from gossiping about Mr Yuy and his roommate. If Mr Maxwell hears you it will be most unpleasant, as he does not like lies, especially if it is about him."
Zechs stalked past my hiding place, and I could make out the frown on his face, and his glare was fixed upon Heero's door. It warmed me a little to see Zechs so irritated on my behalf, since we weren't really very good friends, after the whole White Fang business. Wartime paranoia never really goes away.
Standing up, I picked up my cup and threw it in the trash. Taking a deep breath, I sauntered out of the small alcove and out of the room and out of the building, oblivious to all the noise and lights and movement, only allowing myself to process things when I was in my car.
So… Heero's new partner had been talking shit about me? I'd met the guy before, and he was quite good-looking, actually, tall and strong and with a dimpled grin to die for. I always found him a little conceited, a little cocky, but hey, he was Heero's newest partner (you wouldn't believe the number of partners he's gone through; none of them could keep up with him) and I didn't want to mess things up.
My mobile phone rang then, and I picked it up. "Duo Maxwell, if you're management this is a recording machine and if you're a friend what's up?"
"Duo. I'm bringing Johansson over tonight. Clean up the place." Click.
And that was it.
I felt like going right back up and punching him in the face. Maybe ripping off a ball or two. Instead I put my car into reverse and once I was clear of the parking lot, shot off with a shriek of tyres onto the road. Trying to cool down, I used this technique my psychiatrist taught me – hey, we all had to go through it after the war, okay?
Firstly, was I angry? Yeah, I was. At Johansson? Yeah, for daring to try and steal my Heero from me. For daring to badmouth me to Heero. For daring to be so good-looking and apparently Heero's 'type'.
Was I angry at Heero, too? Yeah, I was. Because… because… I was hurt, dammit, that he didn't stand up for me. Hell, even Zechs knew how to treat a friend and this was not it! Hurt that he acted like his normal stone self even when his supposedly best friend's name was being trampled into the ground. Dammit, after all I'd done for him, all the efforts I'd gone to trying to bring him out of his shell, teaching him how to adapt to peacetime with others…
I just drove around aimlessly. Let Heero and Mr Johansson find the apartment filthy like a street rat's home. I was afraid if I went back I'd yell something inappropriate out, and that'd be the end of Heero's friendship with me. Maybe I was angry with the idiot, but I knew he really did see me as a friend. He just didn't know how to show it.
And since Johansson was his partner he had to be nice to him, since it was his 'mission', right? Never let feelings interfere with business; Heero lived by that rule (one of many) and he wouldn't let anything Johansson said jeopardize their working relationship.
Feeling better with that reasoning, I drove back home, at a relatively normal speed this time. Heero'd kill me if I got another speeding ticket. It was evening already, anyway, so I had to be even more careful than in the day, with all that light to see by.
I pulled into my assigned parking lot, waved to the night doorman, and took the stairs up to our third-floor apartment. Digging for my keys, I realized that I'd forgotten to take them with me when I left! Groaning, I tried the doorknob. Nope, locked. So they were here already, and Heero would be pissed that I'd left the door unlocked and the house vulnerable. Great, just great.
Pressing the doorbell, I waited impatiently. Then loud arrogant footsteps gave me warning before the door swung open and I was staring up into the face of one Rick Johansson. He gave me a half-smile, half-sneer, and greeted me with, "Hello. Come in."
Asshole. It isn't your house, don't act like it is. I gave him a sweet smile in reply, not showing any sign of my thoughts. "Hello, Rick. How are you doing?"
"Just fine, I'm working very well with Heero. Some are even calling us the best partners they've ever seen, you know?" He laughed smugly as I stepped past him and he shut the door behind me. "The Commander is very pleased with our work."
Punch him! my mind screamed. Stab his guts out! My fingers itched towards my boot knives (like I said, wartime habits) but I managed a neutral, "That's good" without doing anything stupid, at least stupid by Heero's standards.
Then Heero himself came out of the kitchen and I gave him a huge grin, Johansson pushed to the back of my mind for now. "Hey, Hee-chan! Making dinner?"
"Don't call me Hee-chan. And yes. For two."
"Oh, Rick's not eating here?" Yeah!
Heero raised an eyebrow. "No. You aren't."
I froze. My body, my mind, my – cliché as it sounds – heart. "Eh, whaddya mean?" I laughed nervously.
"You forgot your keys in the dining table. You left the appliances on. You left the door unlocked. Where did you go? Late for a meeting with some girl? I told you before not be so careless and irresponsible. Why can't you just act your age for once?"
I just stared at him for a while. Stared into those blue, blue eyes I loved to drown in, examined the strong sleek features, watched the windblown messy strands of dark brown hair. And for once, let myself see the cool downturn of those pouty lips, let myself be aware of the hard anger and annoyance in his eyes, let myself recognize the tension in his lean frame.
"Hey, Heero, I'll just continue our report, huh?" Rick's voice broke into our staring match, and I turned slightly to watch him as he moved past me, sitting down on the couch and picking up –
Heero's laptop.
"You… you let him use that?" I asked quietly, tearing my eyes away from the sight of Rick working away at Heero's laptop. The damned machine he'd never even let me touch, even after the war, even though I kept bugging him all the time.
Shutters slid into place over hard blue orbs. "Yes," he said. "Why?"
"Oh, nothing, really," I said airily, while the feelings that raged inside me were anything but. It had just… hit me, then, really hit me, whacked me in the gut and stomped on me, to be precise, that he didn't see me as anything special. Not really even a best friend. He'd shared an apartment with me because he tolerated me, and I was one of the few people he knew he could trust not to stab him in the back. And I bet he even thought it'd be more bloody convenient, to be able to keep an eye on the baka so that he wouldn't go out and destroy the city or something.
He hadn't defended me because he hadn't found the need to. All the times he'd brushed me off, it had been because he really found me irritating, not just because he was uncomfortable like I'd always told myself. All the coldness, the harsh words…
You're a fool, Duo Maxwell, I thought bitterly, my smile faltering a little. An utter, blind fool.
"Duo?" Heero was frowning, watching me carefully. Perhaps he thought I was going to finally crack?
"Oh, nothing," I assured him cheerfully. "Good thing you didn't cook, I just ate outside. I'm tired, been cruising around all day, so I'll go to sleep early. Don't wake me up, alright?"
"Duo – " Heero started to say something, but the slamming of my door cut his words off. I leaned against the wood, listening to his footsteps move away, and silently turned the lock. Then I staggered the few steps to my bed and collapsed.
He didn't like me. He didn't think of me as his best friend. Oh, sure a friend like Trowa or Quatre or Wufei but not a best friend like I'd considered him. He didn't like me. And there was no way in hell he'd love me like I loved him.
Solo had told me long ago never to cry. Shinigami had enforced that rule. Crying would break down your own defences like nothing and nobody else ever would. But… Heero had already done that, broken me and made me whole and broken me again.
Too much, was my last thought before I let myself break down silently into my bed, tears searing my face and dying on my pillow. My fingers were fisted in the sheets, my body curled up in as small a ball as possible, as if that would let me be invisible in my moment of shameful weakness. There was a painfully hollow feeling somewhere in my chest, the hollowness of worthless death and the knowledge that I was never needed.
It just had to be you, didn't it? Of all the people, it just had to be you… Gods, I still love you so much, so much, so very very much…
And even as I cried, Shinigami stirred in my subconsciousness. Shinigami, born out of my wish to never feel so deeply again so I could never be hurt like I was when Solo died. Now that Heero had shredded me like Solo's death never had, Shinigami decided my next course for me. The best thing, the only thing to do.
But it still hurt, dammit.
Heero…
Next part coming right up! Things will be resolved in the next chapter except for one, and whether or not I'll resolve that will be up to all of you. Review, please?
And by the way, this was supposed to be my first GW one-shot. How I managed to make it into three rather long parts I'll never know. [sighs] I just can't write short fics...
[Ashen Skies][Beautiful Solitude]